22. Rough nights turn into hard mornings （pun intended）
Chapter 22
Rough nights turn into hard mornings (pun intended)
TOMER
S hit, shit, shit.
What have I done?
“Sugar bear? Can you hear me?”
Her skin is pale. Her eyes are glazed over. Her breathing is shallow and frenzied.
What the fuck was I thinking?
She’s been doing so well all day long. I thought she was okay. And I swear she was.
Until now.
How could I be so foolish?
You fuck up everything you touch, boy.
“Violet, listen to me. Listen to my voice.”
No response.
“Sugar bear, come back to me.”
Again, no response.
All my stupid talk about the traffickers and Lenkov’s organization must have sent her into a full-blown PTSD blackout.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
This is so much worse than every other time I’ve said the wrong thing. Done the wrong thing. Hurt someone with my words. Unintentional or not, it doesn’t matter.
Look at my sugar bear. Hurt again because of me.
While struggling to search my memory bank for the best way to handle someone mid-episode, I gently skim my hands along the outsides of her upper arms. Carefully, I help roll her onto her side, facing me. She doesn’t bat me away or struggle.
I cradle her face to my chest and stroke the side of her head.
“I got you, Lettie baby. You’re safe. No one can hurt you now.”
For the next several minutes, I hold her close and keep talking softly. Reminding her she’s safe. Telling her to breathe. Saying my name—both of them.
I don’t know how long she stays in my arms like this. Maybe an hour. Perhaps more.
Seemingly out of nowhere, she goes rigid in my embrace. It’s so sudden it startles me, but I keep my composure and continue speaking calmly to her.
“Lettie baby, it’s me. It’s Tomer. I’ve got you. We’re in my bed. You’re safe. Just breathe. You’re in my house with me. Safe with me. Breathe in and out. Nice and slow. You’re safe. No one can hurt you. I’ve got you, sugar.”
She exhales, long and deep.
I caress her cheek lovingly with one hand, keeping the other wrapped around her body.
“Focus on my voice and your breathing. I won’t leave you alone. I’m staying right here.”
A handful of minutes later, awareness seems to return to her body. Fucking finally . Her muscles gradually relax, and her hold on me loosens.
The downshift from this catatonic state isn’t gradual or smooth. Her head pops off my chest, seeking out my face. The blend of sadness and panic in her expression guts me. If I were standing, it would have cut me off at the knees.
“Sugar, can you hear me?”
“Yes,” she croaks, voice scratchy.
Thank fuck.
“You’re safe, baby. I’ve got you. Do you know where we are?”
She blinks a few times, then sweeps her gaze timidly around us. “Your room.”
“Good. That’s good. Just relax. I’ve got you. You’re safe with me. I won’t let anyone hurt you. Focus on what you feel and see around you now. Only the things here in the room. Okay?”
She nods, her petrified eyes continuing to scan from left to right. Steadily, her fears give way to sadness. Tears overflow and spill down her cheeks.
I keep her engulfed in my embrace, continuously whispering reassurances.
A thousand apologies are on the tip of my tongue. But I keep them there.
I want to beg her to forgive me. To confess how fucking sorry I am for sending her into this spiral. To accept the blame I so ardently deserve. To remove any self-recrimination she may feel over this.
This was all on me.
So fucking stupid.
As much as I’d love to get all that off my chest and fall to her feet to beg for forgiveness, I won’t.
Not now.
Even someone as pathetic and stupid as me knows that forcing her to talk about what set her off is the most selfishly cruel thing. I’ve hurt her enough, haven’t I?
These never-ending apologies must stay locked tightly inside me, so I shove them into the vault along with all the other things I wish I could admit. All the words I long to say but won’t. To spare her. To spare her father.
And to spare myself.
There could be nothing more selfish than to ask for her forgiveness. I don’t deserve it.
Not just about causing her to have a blackout.
About everything.
I don’t fucking deserve her.
Everyone is better off without you.
Yeah, Dad. I know.
Her tears dampen my chest, each drop carrying with it a stinging pain I’ve earned. I can’t believe I had the nerve to be happy earlier tonight.
Or all year, for that matter.
Eventually, her tears stop falling. Once her breathing steadies, her grip on me lessens. Mine stays the same.
While she sleeps, I stay awake. I have a million things I need to do to find Yev and the others. Steps I should be taking to cover my tracks from tonight.
But I won’t let her go.
Correction. I can’t let her go.
If I were capable of doing that, I’d have done it a long time ago.
Before she got hurt.
My eyelids grow heavy. My shoulder and upper arm are nothing but pins and needles from being locked in this position for so long.
Still, I don’t move. Rigid and unyielding.
With all the crying she’s done tonight, her breathing sounds congested. Her delicate snores make me want to smile and cry simultaneously.
“I love you,” I whisper, unable to hold it back any longer. “I love you so fucking much. Everything good in my life begins and ends with you.”
Since she’s asleep, I can say the words.
She can’t reject them or accuse me of saying it out of guilt or sympathy.
“I’ve always loved you, Lettie. From the moment I saw you on that screen. And I’m so sorry for every lie I told. For every time I’ve failed you. I’m sorry I’m not a better man. I’m sorry I let you down. And most of all, I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you. That’s all I ever wanted to do. I’m so fucking sorry I couldn’t.” My voice grows shaky as the grief clogs my throat. “No matter what happens, I’ll never stop loving you.”
I squeeze my eyes shut, giving my tears no means of escape. Holding them captive the way Lettie was.
After forcing a series of deep breaths, I smother all the agonizing emotions.
Cutting them off as best as I can.
Rustling under the comforter wakes me, my consciousness slowly returning.
My cock stiffens with a surge of sleepy arousal.
Something warm.
Wet.
My hips pulse involuntarily. Once. Twice. Three times.
Through my grogginess, I realize something’s . . . off .
When my hips thrust for the fourth time, I figure out what’s wrong. Instead of searching for something to grind against, which would normally happen when I awake with an erection, my throbbing cock is wrapped in a silky, warm mouth, applying tantalizing suction.
My eyes spring open, quickly scanning down my body. A Lettie-shaped lump under the covers brings a smile to my face.
The room is bathed in the muted glow of the early morning sunrise peeking through the shades. After removing the covers, my hands reach out, finding her nestled between my legs with her butt in the air. Sadly, that delicious ass is facing away from me.
I run my fingers through the loose strands of her hair. She opens her eyes, looking up at me from under her long lashes. A sly smile brightens her expression as she plunges her mouth around my fully engorged dick.
Beautiful.
We’ve talked about this before. Being woken up like this. She has my blanket consent to do it at any time, same as she gave to me. It never gets old.
But why the fuck is she doing it now? The last time she was awake, she was crying into my chest because my stupidity sent her into a fucking blackout. And now, just a few hours later, she’s removed the panties and tank top she fell asleep in. The boxers I was wearing are nowhere to be seen. I must have been out like a light not to wake when she removed those.
“Lettie baby, what are you doing?” I rasp, my voice husky from sleep.
She removes my cock from her mouth, the intense suction creating a popping sound as she disconnects. Fuck .
“I’m fairly certain you know what I’m doing, babe.” Holding my eye contact, she runs the flat of her tongue along the back of my cock, licking me from root to tip.
A moan I can’t hold back emanates from deep in my chest.
I’m conflicted, my thoughts fragmenting in two distinct directions.
Physically, I want her to keep going because it feels way too fucking good. Her mouth is ecstasy.
Emotionally, my regret cripples me. I don’t deserve her affection. I don’t deserve her body. Damn sure don’t deserve to be pleasured by her. Especially after the hurt I caused her last night.
That last thought makes the decision for me. “Sugar, you should stop.”
She pauses long enough to ask, “Do you want me to stop? Because your dick says otherwise.”
“Lettie, I stopped letting my erections make my decisions a long time ago.”
With unwavering eye contact, she drags the head of my cock over her mouth, massaging her pillowy pink lips across the tip. “Are you revoking your consent?”
As if challenging me, she cocks an eyebrow and squeezes the base of my cock in her fist. I groan at the exquisite sensation, growing needy as hell.
Despite trying with all my might to avoid thrusting into her grip, I can’t stop it entirely. My hips pump slowly. A tiny movement I’m powerless to prevent, considering how she’s looking at me. Begging me with those big, beautiful eyes. I pulse my hips once more, grazing my dick against her pouty lips.
She wants me. And I’m at her mercy. A dog she’s brought to heel.
“You sure you want to do this, sugar?”
“Have you ever forced me to do something I didn’t want to do?” She smacks the head of my cock against her lips playfully, darting out her tongue for a teasing swipe.
“No,” I answer with a lust-filled sigh. “And I never will. I only want what you’re willing to give me.”
“Excellent. Because I want to suck you off.” Her eyebrows dance, and her tone drips with sensuality. “Then I want to ride your face. After that, I’ll climb on top and make myself come on your cock like your good girl. How does that sound?”
“Sounds like a way better morning than I deserve.”
She crinkles her nose adorably. “Don’t talk shit about yourself like that.”
This woman baffles the hell out of me.
How does she have the emotional bandwidth to give a shit about my negative self-talk?
I wrap the ends of her braided hair around my wrist and intensify my eye contact, letting my appreciation for how she cares for me shine through. “Sorry, sugar bear.”
Her fist moves up and down my length twice, nice and firm. Exactly the way I like it. “May I proceed with my plan, babe?”
“Yes. Same as always, we’ll stop at any time if you get uncomfortable. Say butterfly or pinch my leg if you freeze up. Okay?”
Her grip tightens on her next stroke, and she sticks her tongue out so my tip brushes against it as she nods her agreement.
In that moment, I see what she needs from me. Same as last night in the shower. That challenging glint in her eye tells me everything. She wants me to take control. To make her feel like she did before this nightmare. To help her prove to herself that she’s the same Lettie. And after last night’s episode, she’s even more determined to reclaim herself.
This is something I can give her.
My voice shifts into my deeper register. “As long as you enthusiastically consent to do this, knowing you can revoke consent at any time, then put my fucking dick back in that tempting mouth and suck me off, sweetness.”
She beams up at me, radiant as the sun. “Thank you, babe.”
Fuck , I love her.
“Those manners,” I grumble playfully.
Tongue first, she dives in and plunges her mouth up and down my shaft with an unbridled eagerness. She moans when I drive my hips upward slightly, helping her take me all the way to the back of her throat.
“Such a good fucking girl,” I praise, raising up to my elbows for a better view.
Taking me inside her mouth, she presses her thighs tightly together and gyrates. Suck after suck, she whimpers and mewls around my cock, sounding like she’s needy as fucking hell. Her hips sway and pulse like her pussy is seeking friction.
I’m half a breath from ordering her to spin around so I can give her some relief when she comes up for air and levels me with a carnal glare. “I need... I want...”
“Anything, sugar.”
“I’m dying to come. I need it, babe.” She sucks her lower lip into her mouth and drags her teeth over the plump flesh. “I don’t know if I’ve ever needed to come this badly. My body is a live wire. Will you please make me come?”
No hesitation.
“Get on my face.”
With swiftness, she climbs up my body and straddles my head, facing the headboard. There’s a side-to-side shimmy to her hips as she settles onto my mouth. The second her pussy meets my face, she starts grinding.
A sultry sigh leaves her beautiful mouth as she writhes against me, doing almost all the work.
She’s fucking soaked and so damn ready.
I keep my eyes open, looking up the front of her body to monitor for nervousness or tension. So far, there’s none. Only an almost frantic desperation to come.
Correction. There’s no almost about it.
Her whimpers come louder and faster, matching the increasing tempo of her movements. Finding her clit on her next pass over my mouth, I latch on and suck. Her hand shoots off the pillow straight to the top of my head. She forks her fingers through my hair to get a firm grip at the roots.
I moan against her pussy, giving her an encouraging nod.
She doesn’t hesitate to move my head fast and hard against her core. Her hold on me is aggressive and forceful as if I’m being punished.
My dick gets incredibly fucking hard at that thought. To ease my ache, I fist it and start stroking. A deep rumble escapes me, vibrating my lips against her clit.
The volume of her keening spikes sharply. “Yes, babe. Do that again,” she demands.
Although she’s typically not allowed to give me orders in here, certainly not without asking first, I’m powerless to deny her. And it’s hot as fucking hell to see her go wild like this. My fist pumps faster and harder over my weeping cock. And the groan she demanded of me comes naturally.
So fucking good.
Using her fierce grip on my hair, she lifts my head off the pillow, driving me against her ferociously and shaking my head from side to side.
Fucking hell. She’s gone feral.
“Can I come? May I please come?” The pitch of her voice is higher than usual. She’s beyond desperate.
I pinch her ass with my free hand, giving her the signal for yes. Leaving that hand there, I help her grind harder against my face.
She bucks her hips three more times, then comes beautifully, shattering over me. Her thighs contract around the sides of my head as she jerks and writhes, riding out her pleasure.
Damn . That was fast. And hot as fucking hell.
I release my dick so I don’t join her. If she needs me to get inside her, I want to be ready without making her wait. Never seen her this wanton.
Releasing my hair, she sits her sweet ass on my upper chest and catches her breath. I lick my lips, savoring the taste of her arousal.
“Fucking hell, Lettie. You’re delicious. Breakfast of champions.”
She shifts off my upper body, scooting down until she’s straddling my hips. Leaning close, she kisses me. When she pulls back, she drags her tongue all over my chin, literally licking her slickness off me.
“Mmm,” she purrs. “You’re right. Tastes good.”
“Naughty girl,” I tease, bringing her in for another kiss.
Seriously, who the fuck is she? A wildcat.
I can remember our first time like it was yesterday and how I had to order her to kiss me after I’d gone down on her. Look at her now.
Occasionally, thoughts I’d rather not have attempt to break through the euphoria. Why is she so different this time? Is this a normal way to process her trauma? Is she going to break down? Is she okay?
Is this okay?
The weight of her supple body covering mine, combined with our joined lips, brushes aside those worries. At least temporarily.
I’ll trust her to take what she needs from me. To know her own limits.
Cupping her cheeks, I angle her head to deepen the kiss. When our tongues touch, she bears down against my cock, rolling her hips.
She stops kissing me long enough to adjust my dick positioning, resting it along the center of her slit.
Then her lips are back on mine as her soaked pussy slides over my length.
Without taking me inside her, she rocks her hips faster and harder. My palms cradle her plump ass, helping her ride me in a scooting motion up and down the ridge of my cock.
Jesus fuck. She’s going to get me off like this. Haven’t come from humping since I was in my teens.
And I don’t fucking mind one bit.
With what little rational thought I have left, I decide this is a good approach. We’ll build up to sex again.
Faster and harder, she grinds on me, dragging that perfect fucking pussy and clit over my dick. The erotic sound of her soaking flesh slipping over my skin mingles with her frantic whimpers and my breathy grunts.
She breaks the kiss to gasp for air and cry out in pleasure, sinking her fingernails into my shoulders. My balls draw up when her vocal inflection approaches that familiar pitch.
Remembering that she needs me to treat her like I normally would, I talk her through it. “You gonna come for me like this, Lettie? Humping my cock with nothing between us? Teasing me with the delicious feel of those slippery folds, so nice and wet for me? Drowning my dick with your soaking pussy? Is that how you want to come this time?”
Nodding and humming her response, she moans louder.
“Should I let you come like this?”
“Please let me come.”
“Are you ready?”
“Yes. Please . Yes. May I come?”
When I don’t answer right away, she slows her movements to stop from orgasming without permission.
Such a good fucking girl.
Using my hands around her ass and a buck of my hips, I coax her back to the faster speed. “You may come, sugar. Come for me.”
“Thank you,” she mewls, then slams her mouth to mine, immediately sucking on my tongue with a lustful hunger.
Damn . It would feel so good to slip inside her. Just for a second. Only a few pumps. I could do it too. It’d just take a well-timed upward tilt of my pelvis.
But I’m so damn close to coming I’d probably spill inside her as soon as I got in there.
Unbidden, a memory crops up with that thought. Shit . I’d forgotten about that.
Before she was... taken. We had that no-condom accident.
She hasn’t mentioned it since I got her back. I wonder if...
The thoughts are yanked from me as her climax hits her. She breaks the kiss and buries her head in the curve of my neck.
Shit, shit, shit. So damn good.
It’s impossible not to come with the way she’s still thrusting over me, drawing out her pleasure. The sounds she makes. The feel of her breasts pushed against me. The wet warmth of her silky smooth flesh.
All of it is too much.
“I’m about to come, baby. Back up,” I warn, hoping I can get her to shimmy lower to get that decadent pussy away from my impending release.
Stubborn minx doesn’t budge, just grinds harder, still riding out her pleasure. My orgasm detonates in delicious wave after wave, shooting ribbons of cum between us onto my lower belly.
She doesn’t move away, though. So she glides herself over my release. The hellcat even adds a swirl of her hips like she wants to drag herself through the mess.
Dangerous. So fucking risky.
Not because of STIs since her test came back clear. But she’s still not on birth control. Those little swimmers can hitch a ride inside her so easily at this rate.
“Baby, you’ve gone wild.” I pump against her as I ride out my climax, too overcome with arousal to give a damn.
Plus, the idea of her carrying my child is intoxicating, and the fantasy only intensifies my satisfaction.
She collapses onto my chest, letting all tension flee her body. Our heaving breaths echo around the room.
After she props her chin up on her fist with her arm bent at the elbow, she trails her vision all over my face. An air of contentment settles in the space between us.
I love this woman so damn much.
Moving close, she offers me her lips for a chaste kiss. “Still haven’t gotten you inside me, but I think I’m good for now. You need time to recover anyhow, don’t you?”
Letting my eyes flutter closed, I nod. “Yes, I do.”
I don’t even fucking care that we didn’t clean up yet.
I’m happy as long as she’s close to me.
On me. Under me. Beside me. Marked by me.
With her body splayed over mine and my fingertips trailing along her back, we fall asleep together. Content and happy.
For now, everything is perfect.
Too bad good things never stay that way for me.