12. Cal
Cal
“ H ow’d she do today?” I ask as Nancy hands a subdued Charlie off to me.
She gathers Charlie’s bag and slips a hand over her messy curls. We’re at the end of our first week together and my first full twenty-four-hour shift, followed by the first day of construction at the shop.
I only spoke to Jules once this morning after I got to the shop. She assured me Charlie had a good night and announced that she was pulling a double shift at the Daily Brew because Lissette needed the help.
What’s Lissette going to do when Jules opens her own shop? Not my problem. I have enough of those already.
“She seemed a little off after her nap. Didn’t want to eat a snack.”
I jostle Charlie in my arms and study her face. “You all right, Belle?”
We haven’t had an issue with her not wanting to eat since I figured out what she likes.
“She played just fine, and Jules said she slept well last night. I’m sure it’s nothing,” Nancy reassures .
From the back of the house, shrieks ring out, followed by the clatter of running feet. The older kids are playing a game of chase or something.
In the corner, the twins are playing with cars in what I’ve deemed a baby kennel.
I’m told the proper name for it is a play yard.
Whatever it’s called, it’s still doing the job of keeping those two wrangled in a safe place.
Except, I notice a third little one in the kennel with them this time.
One who appears the same age but only has a sprinkling of hair.
“You have another new friend today?”
“Yes, he’s just a drop-in. His parents are teachers, and his grandma keeps him most of the time. She’s a writer on a deadline and needed a couple of extra hours to work on her book, so he’s playing with us for a day or two this week.”
I take Charlie’s pink backpack from Nancy as the kids race by. Despite having a plethora of little kids, she doesn’t look frazzled in the least.
“I don’t know how you do it with this houseful, Nancy. But I sure do appreciate you taking care of my girl.” I’ve made sure to thank her every chance I get. I honestly don’t know what I’d do without her.
She brushes Charlie’s curls lovingly. “She’s no problem. Such a sweet girl.”
I load Charlie into her car seat and head home. She’s unusually subdued, but maybe she’s needing a quiet moment after leaving that chaos. I don’t blame Jules for needing to get away from it if that’s what it was like all the time.
“It seemed extra loud today, didn’t it, Belle? You okay? Just need a quiet minute?”
The more time I’ve spent with her, the more I just talk to her like a regular person.
There’s no response from the back seat. I glance at the mirror I attached to the headrest so I can see her while I’m driving.
She’s knocked out. Her head is bent forward, her little fox lying protectively in her lap.
My heart cracks. She’s exhausted, but also, I’m scared she’s not able to breathe with her neck bent like it is.
After debating whether I should pull over and check on her or speed through every red light, I whip into a parking lot.
A soft sigh escapes her as I press her head to the back of the car seat, and my shoulders drop as I finally relax a bit.
She perks up for a moment as we walk into the apartment, but her happiness fades as we move through the bedtime routine.
The poor girl is so tired, her eyelids droop closed with each new page of her favorite bedtime story.
Closing the book, I move it aside, tucking her favorite stuffed foxy under her arm.
“Night night, Charlie-Belle,” I say.
“Night night,” she parrots weakly, lying splayed in her crib. She must be super tired, because she didn’t move a muscle once I got her sleep sack on and laid her down.
I flip the nightlight and the sound machine on and touch her cheek again before leaving the room. Lately, I’ve been wanting to hover. To check and make sure she’s breathing, or that she’s warm enough.
I’ve also been thinking a lot about Dani and how she could bear to leave this sweet angel behind.
There’s a part of me that dreads when my sister gets her shit together and decides to come back around. As much as I miss the freedom I had before she dumped Charlie on me, I’d miss this peacefulness we’ve settled into in just a few short weeks.
I start from a dead sleep, feeling like something is wrong. My phone reads just after midnight as I lie quietly, listening for any noise that’s out of place, charting my action steps if I hear an intruder.
It’s fucking stupid how protective I am over this tiny little girl who’s upended my world.
A pitiful cry echoes through the apartment. It’s barely audible but sends me to my feet and moving in a heartbeat.
The sound intensifies as I cross the apartment and open the door to find Charlie huddled into a tight ball. The sounds coming from her break my heart.
“Hey, hey, baby girl. It’s okay,” I croon, gathering her to my bare chest. I don’t even care that we’re skin on skin at this point.
“Did you have a bad dream?” It’s times like this that I’d give anything for her to be able to talk to me and tell me what’s wrong.
Charlie quiets and burrows into me. Her forehead is hot on my neck.
She’s burning up through the layers too. Fuck.
I’m not going to panic.
I search for the forehead thermometer and the brand-new bottle of children’s fever-reducing medicine that Liv made me get. I figure out how to work the thermometer and aim it at her temple. It reads 103.5.
“Okay, that’s not good,” I tell Charlie as I lay her on the couch. “We need to get these clothes off and get some medicine in you, sweetheart.”
I undress her limp little body and grab a fresh diaper while I’m at it, and that’s when I see it.
Full-blown panic runs down my spine.
I snag my phone and immediately dial Jules. I should put her on speed dial at this point .
She answers with a sleepy “Hello,” and I blurt, “Charlie’s got a fever and a rash. What do I do?” The words tumble from my lips as I quickly redress Charlie in her pajamas. Every ounce of medical training I’ve ever had seems impossible to recall.
“What’s her temp?” Jules yawns on the other end of the phone.
“103.5.”
“Did you give her Tylenol?”
“Not yet. But Jules, something’s wrong. She’s got spots all over her girl parts.”
Jules snickers. “It’s called a vagina. I swear, you’re supposed to be the professional.”
“This is not funny. Something is wrong.” My voice cracks with the adrenaline coursing through my veins and the fear that Charlie has a sudden fatal disease.
“Okay. I’ll be over in a minute,” Jules promises. It’s forty-two hours before she lets herself into my apartment with the key I had made for her. And in that time, I’ve undressed Charlie again, inspected her from head to toe, again, and rediapered her, again.
“Look,” I bark before Jules even clears the door. “Her hands and feet have spots. The same ones are on her girl bits. Why does she have spots on her girl bits?” My voice is the same octave as a prepubescent teenager, and I’m nearly yelling.
I’m also seeing spots all over everything because I can’t seem to find my breath.
“Calm down, let me have a look,” Jules says like she’s striving for patience.
She hums to Charlie and does the same inspection I did while I stand helplessly by with my hands on my hips .
I should be doing something.
If this were a heart attack or stroke scenario, I’d know exactly what to do. If she were choking, I’d know how to act.
But this unseen, unknown terror has me in a pitiful stranglehold, and I can’t function.
“Well?” I bark as Jules redresses Charlie and pulls her into her arms.
“I’ve seen this before. The older kids had it when I first moved in at Steve’s. I think she’s got hand, foot and mouth.”
“What the fuck is that?” It comes out as a shriek. I don’t even recognize my own voice at this point. And Jules laughs. Fucking laughs .
“Would you relax already?” she says, wiping her eyes.
“Jules, this is not funny. Should we take her to the hospital?”
She rolls her eyes. “No. She doesn’t need a hospital. It’s a viral thing. It makes little spots that can sometimes blister. It’s uncomfortable and looks gnarly. You really want to go sit in the ER waiting room at this time of night?”
I shudder at the thought. I’ve seen the ER waiting room in the middle of the night, and I do not want to subject Charlie to it. Still… “But her fever is so high.”
“Yeah, it can do that too. Did you give her medicine for fever already?”
I nod, still feeling helpless.
“Okay, let’s give it some time to work. If the fever doesn’t break, then we can take her to be seen.
Do you have Benadryl and Maalox?” Jules asks, her tone composed and soothing.
It’s almost like she’s playing nurse for me , like I’m the one who’s having the medical issue, when Charlie is clearly the one who needs it.
She hasn’t even been with me for a month, and I’m going to lose her. She could be having some kind of allergic reaction. She could stop breathing from this.
My heart rate skyrockets as my normal ability to deal with an emergency flies right out the window.
“Is she going to die?” The thought escapes, and even as I say it, I know how ridiculous I sound. But I don’t care. I can’t stand the thought of her being in pain and possibly dying.
“Oh my god, Cal. Sit down and put your head between your legs. Where’s the Benadryl and Maalox?”
Chest heaving with each breath, I drop into the recliner and brace my elbows on my knees. “It’s in the cabinet by the sink.”
Jules takes Charlie with her and makes some concoction in the kitchen. She’s cooing at her for being the best girl and taking her medicine, and Charlie is responding. I deep breathe for a few minutes.
A shadow falls over me, and I look up to find Jules standing over me.
“Here, have a snuggle.” She deposits a sleepy Charlie in my arms and sits on the edge of the couch.
My sweet, precious niece burrows into me as I cup her head with one hand and press it to my shoulder; the other, I splay across her back.
She’s so tiny, my hand covers her from shoulder to diaper. Her arms curl around my neck, and she hitches a thigh as she snuggles into me. Her whole body doesn’t even cover my torso.
I am helpless to this little angel.
“Not helpless,” Jules says, and I realize I’ve spoken aloud. “Hopeless… maybe.”
There’s a smile in her words, and I glance over to see one teasing her lips. She’s rumpled. And her hair is a mess. But she came running when I needed her .
“Thank you.” My voice is husky from relief.
“She’s going to be a little bit miserable, but overall, she’s going to be fine. It’s just a virus. Babies get them all the time.”
“How do you know so much about kids?” I murmur, hitching one leg into the recliner to better brace Charlie with.
I don’t want her to roll off and hit the floor.
With the other toe, I set the recliner in motion, gently rocking my niece, who’s scratching the stubble I’ve grown overnight.
A quiet descends in the room as Charlie relaxes.
Maybe it’s the time of night, maybe it’s the way we are working together to take care of a sick baby.
Regardless of the reason, the moment feels intimate.
“Too many years of living with my brother. It was like a crash course in babies. Only none of them were mine.”
The rocker creaks, the sound loud in the otherwise quiet room. “You don’t want kids.”
It’s a statement, because she’s made similar comments before.
She shrugs. “I’m not completely opposed to kids.
I’ve just had other things in my life that were more important.
I tried climbing the corporate ladder. Got canned from that job.
I tried starting over, got married. Then the pandemic happened, and I was let go again.
Throw in an ugly divorce and a tornado destroying everything I had left, and it was just one more thing in a long list of shitty circumstances.
I’ve been starting over so much in my life. ”
She’s been staring off as she recounts her life story like it’s a series of unfortunate events, but now her attention shifts to me, and she gives me a half smile.
“Feels like I’ve been working toward the goal of opening the coffee shop forever.
I just want to accomplish something worthwhile in my life. Kids haven’t been an option. ”
I marinate on her words as I watch her. The meltdown over the prospect of losing her business makes so much more sense now. Also, I don’t like the idea of Jules being married to someone else.
Instead of asking a million questions that are none of my business, I state the obvious. “I didn’t get a choice. My sister gave me a family. I just don’t have the same background you do to know what to do with her.”
“No kids in your family?”
“No. More like no parental role models. I’m pretty sure that’s why Dani didn’t think anything about ditching her kid.
” I pause to gather my thoughts and let the memories wash through me.
All the stupid, directionless decisions I made, until I finally got my head out of my ass.
“You know, I struck out on my own when I was younger than Dani. No one could tell me what to do. We didn’t have the best home life growing up.
So I always made sure that Dani knew she could come to me if she needed help.
I feel a little guilty that I left her alone.
Maybe she wouldn’t have ended up pregnant at sixteen if I’d stayed. ”
It’s something I’ve wondered about and have felt guilty about more than I care to admit.
The night is intimate and prime for shared secrets. There’s a connection between us. One I can’t define but am enjoying all the same. My gaze lands on her lips, and though I’m sitting here being a human mattress for a sleeping toddler, I wonder what those lips might taste like.
My body has a visceral reaction to the image playing in my mind. Of me pushing Jules back into my couch, spreading her legs, and settling my weight in the softness of her hips.
I shift and stop that useless train of thought, mildly horrified at the direction my imagination took while I’m holding a small child.
Jules is not interested in me. She’s made that clear enough. But as I shift again, I can feel the weight of her gaze on me, and it makes me wonder if maybe I’m wrong.