19. Unfuck this shit
Chapter 19
Unfuck this shit
TOMER
A lthough I’m supposed to be comforting her, the feel of her silky skin does wonders to ease my trepidation. Spooned behind Lettie in our bed in the bunk room, I run my palm over the outside of her arm.
Up and down. Up and down. Same as I’ve been doing for at least ten minutes. I’ll do it for the rest of the day if that’s what she needs.
My sweet sugar bear.
She’s been doing so damn good. What went wrong?
With the sound of her steady breathing as the soundtrack, I rewind the day’s events, attempting to decode what might have triggered her. Perhaps it was too much to sit in the lair with us when we discussed the case. As grateful and proud of her as I am for helping solve the mystery of the box, I’d never sacrifice her mental health for a clue. Once she’s up to it, I’ll talk to her about that.
If need be, I’ll speak to Boss about keeping her more removed from anything regarding Lenkov. It’ll be challenging since that’s the majority of what our work is focused on these days. But there are other things he could assign her.
Then again... maybe she needs a few days off. Since she started working for him, she hit the ground running. Consideringthe anxiety attack happened at her desk, perhaps something in her duties brought it on.
All things I can discuss with her later.
For now, I’ll simply hold her, offering my meager solace and letting her ease my fears in return.
Her tears stopped a few minutes ago, but a sniffle escapes her every couple of seconds. An occasional hitch of her chest shakes her frame.
She cried so damn much. Thank goodness Mia was there when it happened. Eventually, someone would have wandered by and helped Lettie. But still.
Adjusting her positioning, she rolls over, throwing one of her legs over mine. Like a meerkat, she burrows into my chest.“Tomer?”
“Yes, sweetness?”
She lifts her face off my chest and bats her lashes at me, still damp from her tears. “Do you need to get back to work now?”
“Nope.”
She closes her eyes again, hiding her face in my chest and squeezing me with all her might. “I’m sorry for freaking out. That must have been embarrassing for you.”
If my head wasn’t reclined against this pillow, it would have reared back and hit the wall. “Embarrassed? Of what ?”
“You had to run out of your office, probably blowing off the video conference call thing, to scoop me up and carry me through the building while I was blubbering like a toddler.”
“Lettie baby, if you ever need me, I’ll race to your side no matter what I’m doing or who I’m with. The FBI. The President. Jimmy fucking Hoffa. The ghost of General Patton. You come first. Always. And I’ll never be embarrassed for it.”
Tighter, she grips me. “I’m still sorry, babe.” There’s a hint of relief in her tone, barely noticeable.
I kiss the top of her head. “Don’t be silly, you silly ass.”
We soak in the warmth of our embrace, letting the connection smooth the frayed edges of our nerves.
After a while, she loosens her grip on me and shimmies a few inches away for a better view of my face. “What were you guys working on? Did Sue explain her theory about Icarus?”
“We don’t need to talk about that.”
“I want to help,” she insists.
“Lettie, I don’t want to trigger you. We shouldn’t have been discussing the case with you as much as we did earlier. I’m so sorry. I won’t let it happen again.”
She lifts her upper body and props herself on her elbow. “No, that wasn’t it. I promise. I’m okay. “
“What set you off if it wasn’t that?”
Her eyes fall, and she picks at the comforter. “Um.”
I tip her chin so she meets my eyes. “What is it, sugar bear?”
She worries the corner of her lip, nibbling and licking at the plump red flesh. Her throat bobs with a forced swallow.
My pulse thrums wildly in my neck. “Lettie, what was it?”
“I ju-just don’t want to talk about it yet. I’d like to discuss it with Simone tomorrow first. Can you let it go for now?”
“If that’s what you want,” I concede, dread pooling in my gut.
“You can believe me when I say that working on the case with you guys wasn’t what caused it. I swear. Helping was empowering.”
Despite the looming fear that she’s hiding something from me, she comes across as sincere.
There wasn’t a question in her words, but her expression begs me to acknowledge her declaration. Lowering my forehead in a single nod, I reassure her. “I believe you.”
She closes the distance between us and joins our lips for a chaste kiss. “Thank you, babe. I promise I’m better now. Don’t worry about me. Okay?”
Aiming to bring a smile to her face, I goad her. “I’ll worry about you if I want to. You’re not the boss of me.”
As expected, her face shifts, brightness returning. “Doms are just bigger brats. I’ve been saying that all along.”
This time, I instigate the movement, sealing our lips and pouring all my tumultuous emotions into a passionate kiss. Nothing too jarring or forceful. I don’t want to frighten or dominate her.
All I want is to remind her how completely she owns me.
With our lips intertwined, her hands roam across my shoulders, settling at my nape. Mine find their way to her hips, locking her close to me where she belongs. Safe and in my arms.
Before I know what I’m doing, I find myself crawling on top of her. Her thighs spread to surround my hips and welcome me home.
No, no. Can’t do that now.
Reluctantly as fuck, I pull my lips off hers. With our foreheads resting together, I tell her, “Easy there, sugar.”
Her lips thin with a wide grin, dripping in sex appeal. “Sorry. It’s hard to control myself when it comes to you. You’ve created a monster.”
“A sex monster.” I tilt my head to the side. “What kink is that?”
Her blue eyes dazzle like a starry night sky. “A Tomer kink.”
Fuck . I want to spend all day and night inside her body, wrapped in her arms, and doing nothing but loving her.
But I can’t have my third thing until I fix the first two.
A half hour later, Mia’s brows shoot to the ceiling when Lettie and I breeze into the lair.“Hey, you two.” Her green eyes bounce between sugar bear and me. “Didn’t think I’d see you again today, Lettie. Are you feeling better?”
Lettie pulses her hand over mine before letting go. “Yep. Much better. In fact . . .” She glances up at me briefly, holding me captive under her spell. “I’m so good that I forced him to tell me about Sue’s theory. And then I convinced him to bring me up here so I could discuss it with you. I want to help.” Her shoulders bounce with her eagerness.
Mia and Klein fling their gazes at me, a mix of concerned and amused glances. Interestingly enough, those are the same two emotions I’ve been battling since Lettie pinched my nipples and wouldn’t let go until I promised to bring her up here.
I regret teaching her that trick.
It wasn’t the nipple torture that had me caving, though. She genuinely wants to help solve the case. And I get it. There’s no worse feeling than helplessness. Being a prisoner to circumstance, powerless to change the outcome.
That’s one of the last things I want for her.
She got a taste of how good it felt earlier today when she helped us unravel the Russian doll mystery. If it makes her happy to contribute, I’ll eagerly let her do anything she thinks she can handle. And I believe her when she says something else triggered her episode.
Mia’s mouth crumples in an impressed pucker. “Welp, considering how freaking helpful she was with the other riddle today, I’ll happily take all the assistance little miss ma’am here wants to bless us with.”Without waiting, she bolts from the desk and grabs Lettie’s hand, leading her to the whiteboard.
As she goes, Lettie tosses a borderline maniacal look at me over her shoulder. I read it loud and clear. I told you they’d be happy to have my help.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Mia leads Lettie to the table and then drags over the easel Sue scribbled her notes on earlier. Whether we liked it or not, we got a crash course in Greek mythology.
“You guys get started,” I tell them, edging toward my workstation. “I’ll listen from here while I catch up.”
They wave me off and start recapping the main players in the story. Meanwhile, I pull up my chat program and send a private message to Boss.
Me:
What did you have Lettie working on this afternoon after lunch?
While I wait for his response, I clear out a few emails and scan over the dashboard of Big Brother, our server monitoring program.
Boss:
I heard she had a panic attack. Is she okay?
Me:
She’s good now. What was she working on? Trying to figure out what could have triggered her.
Boss:
I’m in my office. Can you come over here now, or are you with her?
I glance at Lettie. No fidgeting. No nervousness surrounding her. She’s simply taking in Mia and Klein’s animated back-and-forth storytelling like it’s the feature presentation.
My eyes ping-pong between the message from Boss on my screen and the back of Lettie’s head for a solid five seconds. Maybe ten.
When Mia takes a breath, I interject. “Excuse me for a second.” They all twist to face me, and I catch Lettie’s attention. “Are you good if I step out for a minute? Boss wants to see me. I’ll be fast.”
Her answering smile flutters across the room like it’s floating on a butterfly’s wings. “I’m good. Go ahead. Take your time.”
Before I go, I wave my cell phone at them, ensuring Mia and Klein see I’m taking it with me. Then I’m off.
When I reach Boss’s door, it’s open, so I stick my head in. “Boss?”
He waves me in. “Come in, T. Shut the door behind you.”
Fuck.
As I creep toward the chair in front of his desk, it dawns on me that this is the first time I’ve been alone with him since Lettie barged in here with her big reveal. As many times as I’ve attempted to speak with him about it since then, today isn’t the day to climb that mountain. I’d rather not avoid it, but there’s too much fucking shit happening today. And my thoughts are on that woman down the hall.
Once seated, I meet his eyes, aiming to keep my expression impassive. The only problem? I’m unsure if that’s a skill I have in my arsenal any longer.
He’s the first to speak, sparing me the horror of having to exchange pleasantries. “So Lettie’s good?”
“Yes. She’s fine now. You’d never know anything was ever wrong today by looking at her.”
“She isn’t back at her desk, is she?”
“No. I left her in the lair with Klein and Mia. She wanted to hear about the Icarus thing and try to help them figure it out.”
The patch of skin between his brows creases sharply.
Before he has a chance to opine on that, I add, “She needs to do something to...” Words fail me momentarily, probably thanks to the tension coating the oxygen particles surrounding us.
He attempts to finish my sentence. “Distract herself?”
“No. Not that.” I massage the back of my neck. “She needs to help us. To contribute something. It’s good for her, I think. She’s a warrior and wants to fight back.”
“I see.” He crumples his lips, studying me carefully. “As long as you don’t think being too involved in the details would cause her to have another”—he gestures toward the door in the direction of her desk—“panic attack or PTSD episode.”
“That was my concern as well. But she swears her reaction wasn’t because of her earlier involvement in the case. To the contrary, she said it gave her a hit of pride. I believe her when she says she can handle it.”
“Well, if you think she can handle it, then fine.” There’s a bite to his tone when he adds, “After all, you know her better than I do.”
My teeth involuntarily clamp on the tip of my tongue, making me flinch from the pain. The metallic taste of blood invades my taste buds.
Ignoring that cheap shot, I redirect to the reason I came in here. “Anyhow, so what was she working on after lunch?”
His eyelids narrow to slits, head quirking to the side. “Wait. So you don’t know what triggered her?”
“Correct.”
“Then how do you know it wasn’t working on the case that did it?”
Despite how badly my eyes want to take a roll around my skull, I force them to remain straight. “She doesn’t want to talk about what triggered her until discussing it with her therapist, but she was explicitly clear it was something unrelated.”
If casting doubt without saying a word were a sport, he’d be the world fucking champion.
That old familiar feeling returns, filling my chest and sinking into my stomach like a brick. Well fuck.
“What am I missing, Boss?”
“Nothing this time, T. Let’s see.” He taps his fingers on his desk. “All the morning tasks I gave her were done without issue. None of which were explicitly related to Lenkov.”
“Such as?”
Clearly indulging me, he rattles off a list of a half dozen simple tasks. She placed a few phone calls for him, made changes to his schedule, ordered some supplies, and other random shit. Aside from making calls, none of them are likely to cause her any anxiety.
“Is that it?” I ask once he comes to a stopping point.
Scratching his beard, he leans back in his chair and sighs. “Other than that, it would have been routine emails and screening my calls.” He stiffens suddenly, snapping his finger. “I also asked her to sit with one of the payroll folks. I want her to learn how to prep it the way Peg used to do so I can sign off faster.”
“I’ll ask her if she did that yet. Maybe someone in payroll talked to her about the... you know.”
As good of a place to work as Redleg is, it’s still a job. Word spreads fast when something unusual happens. Boss’s secret daughter being abducted by traffickers and rescued by our tactical team isn’t an ordinary occurrence. So the gossip train is alive and chugging along regarding Lettie. It stands to reason that someone might have said something they shouldn’t have.
Then again... if that’s the case, why wouldn’t Lettie tell me? Why would she need to talk to Simone first?
Boss rolls out his neck and shoulders. “If you find out that someone asked her about that shit, send them to me for an ass chewing.”
I stand abruptly. “All right then. Let me know if you think of anything else that could have set her off.”
If I stay here another second, the tension will choke me out. Without waiting to be dismissed, I hoof it toward the door.
“Tomer, stop.”
My legs turn to bricks in reaction to his commanding tone.
Hands cast into fists at my sides, I glance over my shoulder. “Yes, Boss?”
“Get your ass back in here. We need to figure out our shit, or else the women in my life will never let me have a moment’s peace again.”
Fucking hell.
Is he serious?
As much as I want to unfuck our shit, this isn’t the way. Not because Madeline fucking guilt-tripped him into it.
“No disrespect, Boss. But if that’s why you want to fix our shit, no thanks. I know I fucked up royally, but I also know we can’t move past it unless you want to. I can’t want it enough for us both.”
Turning on my heel, I stride two steps away before stopping. Facing him again, I fling my arms to the sides. “Hopefully, you’ll come around soon. Because you’re going to be a grandfather in about seven or eight months.”
I don’t slam the door behind me. No sense in making more of an impact than I’m sure I just did.
Might not have a fucking job tomorrow.
Can’t find it in me to care much.