32. He visits denial too
Chapter 32
He visits denial too
LETTIE
N ow, I can’t be totally sure, but my eyes might be permanently stuck in this position. Wide as the potholes on Main Street in Climax after the Independence Day Parade incident of 2018.
Additionally, I’m as certain as the day is long that my jaw will never rise from its resting place on my chest.
My entire sense of being is the epitome of the word dumbstruck.
He just killed Viktor right in front of my eyes. The same ones that’ll never blink again.
Tomer.
Killed a man.
Well, more of a monster than a man. But he had a heartbeat. And now he doesn’t.
Because of the father of my unborn child and love of my life.
He ended Viktor. For me.
Or was it . . . for Katia?
Maybe it was for us both. He saved her, avenging me at the same time.
That’s just good time management, to be honest. Good for him.
My mind tries to put everything into some semblance of order. Everything happened so fast.
Over the pounding of my heart, I barely make out Big Al yapping into his cell. No clue what it’s about. I’m relatively certain Klein’s on a call with the cops. Sue is hyperventilating somewhere behind me, and Sammy attempts to comfort her. Bless her heart. Sounds unsuccessful.
A warm palm rubs gentle circles in the center of my back. I suspect it’s Kri offering me her support after what we witnessed seconds ago.
All I can do is stand here. I’m as still as a statue.
At some point, Kri moves in front of me. A shaky breath escapes, deflating my chest in a rush. The blasting air conditioner inside the lair batters my widened eyes, drying out my contact lenses. Eventually , I blink.
Once.
Is this real? Can it be over?
Is Viktor actually dead?
Two gunshots. That’s all it took.
And I no longer have to fear him. I won’t need to sit through a trial and testify against that hideous beast. It’s simply done .
Because of Tomer.
My freaking hero. Again .
If I wasn’t already pregnant, I would be by the end of the night. I’m gonna jump his bones so flipping hard tonight. After I comfort him.
Yeah . Comfort first. Then bone jumping. Solid plan.
“Lettie, are you okay?” Kri grips my upper arms, jostling me a tad. “Everything will be fine. Don’t worry, sweetie. He’s safe. You’re safe.”
I blink for only the second time in three minutes, then focus on her concerned face, noting the scrunched-up skin over the bridge of her nose.
When I speak, it’s as poignant a statement as you’d expect. “He killed him.”
Poet Laureate. Astute surmiser. Gifted orator. Expert conversationalist. Toastmasters world champ.
All things that will never be said about me.
“Yeah. He did,” Kri answers, her tone soft and steady. “But he saved Katia. You also saw that, right? He didn’t have a choice. It was the right thing to do.”
She’s talking to me like I’m an excitable poodle needing doggie Xanax. Given the way I freaked out earlier, I guess it’s warranted.
Snapping out of my trance, I resume normal blinking and breathing behavior. “I’m good, Kri. I saw it. I saw it all.” Wrapping her in a warm hug, I offer a recap she doesn’t need. “Tomer killed the monster to save the pregnant woman. He’s a hero.”
She pulls out of the hug a few seconds later, gazing at me with both of her brows raised to the ceiling. “You sure you’re okay?”
“I ain’t upset. I’m just shocked is all. Relieved he’s okay. As for Viktor, that sumbitch finally got what was coming to him.”
Kri darts her eyes from left to right as if searching for an explanation, and her upper right cheek twitches. “You are something else, kid. No question who your father is.” Releasing my arms, she pats my shoulder twice before dropping her hands.
Mia tosses a look at me, her lips splayed in a beaming smile. “You sure you’re okay, Lettie? Tomer’s asking about you. What should I tell him?”
Without hesitating, I stride over and lean close to the microphone on her headset. “I love you, babe.”
I’d like to gush about how proud I am, but that’ll come later. If I reveal how thrilled I am that he killed Viktor, I might get dirty looks around the office. Best they continue thinking of me as sugar-sweet.
Big Al ends his call and addresses the room. “I’m going to meet with CPD and our teams at the scene. Klein, what do you have on the delivery truck so far?”
“According to the license plate, it was reported stolen a few days ago. But I’m still pursuing it with the drone, hoping Katia doesn’t get far.”
I whip over to view his screen, noticing for the first time how he’s still heavily engaged in the mission. Oops . I’d all but checked out and was dancing the “Ding Dong the Dick is Dead” celebration jig from The Wizard of Oz. Or however the song goes. I’m not good with details.
“I’ll call you from the road so you can keep me updated,” he announces as he darts out of the office without another word.
Impulsivity strikes, and I dash after him. “Wait, Big Al. I’m coming.”
Two steps into the hallway, he halts so suddenly that I nearly slam into his back.
He spins around, one of his brows already cocked into an impressively-high arch. “No.”
My neck cricks at an odd angle as his one-word decree renders me silent.
Seeing the objection in my expression, he restates his decision. “No, Lettie. You’re not coming. Stay here.”
“Why?”
“You don’t need to see it first-hand or deal with the fallout. Watching it on the screen was already too much for you. Stay here, where you’re safe.”
Oh, hell no. Once again, I’m a child being put in my place by someone claiming to know what I can handle.
Planting my feet, I jut my chin and slam my hands on my hips with extra oomph. “I’m going. Either I can ride with you or drive on my own. I’ll be nice and let you pick.”
His nostrils flare. “I said no.”
“We seem to be having a communication breakdown. I didn’t ask for your permission. You might be my dad by blood, but I don’t need a father to put me on restriction.”
My words cause him to falter a step, but he doesn’t change his offer. Instead, he doubles down, shaking his head emphatically.
“Driving on my own it is then.”
Pursing my lips, I bob my head in a curt nod and bolt around him. A little roll away and half sashay.
Huh . Maybe there’s some validity to the square dance lessons after all. I misjudged you, drunk llama.
Big Al’s heavy steps chase after me. “Lettie, stop. Tomer’s safe. I’ll bring him back to you.”
“I’ll bring him back myself, thank you kindly,” I huff, breath coming choppy. “He needs me. I don’t turn my back on people I love.”
I bite my tongue to stop from finishing that sentence with... unlike some people.
He sounds like he’s getting closer, so I pick up the pace until I’m nearly jogging down the hall.
I must look like Emily Ross, Amy Pritt, and Karen Stickler when they were training for that silly speed-walking relay race they were having against Daisy Nijs, Jodi Lucas, and Marni Ortiz. They could’ve trained ’til the cows came home, and it wouldn’t have mattered. They’ll never beat the record held by the OG trio—Judy Barker, Emily Gospodarczyk, and Shannon Fissel.
“Dammit, Lettie. Don’t be so stubborn,” Boss Dad husks out in frustration.
Stubborn? He ain’t seen nothing yet.
Once I get to my workstation, I bend to grab my purse from my desk drawer. When I rise to my full height, he’s standing in front of me, blocking my path. A chill runs up my spine at the uncomfortable sensation of being trapped. But one look at his face, and the panic leeches out of me, quickly being replaced by nagging irritation. His eyes are so much like my own that being scared of him would be like fearing my shadow.
And I haven’t been scared of that in weeks.
“It isn’t safe,” he insists, his tone a hair gentler.
“You see these?” I tap at one of my ears, and then the other. “I heard you and Klein talking to the police. By the time we get to the scene, it’ll be crawling with cops. No safer place if you ask me.”
Licking his lower lip and grinding his jaw, he cuts his gaze to the side, then back to me. “It’s going to be red tape and dealing with the cops. There’s nothing you can do there.”
“If nothing else, I can hold his hand while the police interview him, exactly like he did for me.” Taking a step toward the right, I attempt to pass my grumpy bio dad. “After facing off with Viktor and taking a life, Tomer’s bound to be upset. So I’m gonna be there for him. As long as my heart is beating, he’s never going to face his struggles alone.”
Instead of letting me pass, Boss Dad tries to do his brain lookey-loo thing at me. His focus intensifies like he’s inspecting me for lice from three feet away.
I narrow my eyes at him, figuratively fending off his mental attack. “Any other bull hooey you want to hit me with, or can we go? Time’s a-wastin’, old man.”
Reluctance wafting off him, he steps to the side. “Fine. But I’m driving. And when we get there, you’ll do as I say or get locked in the SUV.”
I click my tongue as I march down the hall. “Whatever, bucko. I’d like to see you try.”
“Later, I’ll laugh at that,” he grumbles, quickly catching up to me to press the elevator call button.
The drive to the scene starts silent, but as soon as we’re out of the parking lot, he dials the lair, putting the call on speaker.
“We lost her, Boss,” Klein announces without preamble.
Big Al’s grip on the steering wheel turns white-knuckle. “Explain.”
Klein’s heavy sigh reverberates around us, courtesy of an excellent speaker system. “The truck pulled into a parking garage, and by the time I lowered the drone enough to view inside the structure, the driver and Katia abandoned the truck. Left it running in the corner of the first floor. No sign of them. Not even with infrared scanning for heat signatures. Do you want me to give her description to CPD so they can start looking for her?”
Boss Dad takes a mere three seconds to decide. “Not yet. Have Mia pull any surveillance footage from the parking garage and surrounding area to see what she can find. If we sic the cops on Katia, we might lose our source to eradicate the rest of the bratva. She’s our link to the architect. We aren’t sure she’s dirty. And what crime did she commit?”
On reflex, I cross my arms at my chest, embracing a silent pout. Katia called me a slut. That wasn’t very nice of her.
But I guess Big Al has a valid point. Technically , we don’t know whether she’s legitimately working with Lenkov. And bad manners aren’t a crime.
However, I don’t have to like her.
Big Al turns off the highway, barreling along a side road in a sketchy part of town I tend to avoid. A bit too close to my first home in Clearwater—the dive motel. “We’re almost there, Klein. Call me back if anything else happens.”
“You got it, Boss.”
The tension in the SUV’s cab reaches suffocation levels before we arrive. I need to say something to this man—my father. Mad at him or not, I should make peace. Right?
The second after the thought crystallizes, I smash it to bits with a metaphorical sledgehammer. Everything that happens isn’t my fault. Did I amp up the strain between us? Sure. But that doesn’t mean it wasn’t warranted.
He chose Viktor and taking down the mafia over me. I know it. He knows it.
So where does that leave us and our... relationship? If you can call it that.
He clears his throat, and I catch him peeking at me from the corner of my eye.
My toes tap relentlessly on the floorboard while I mull over my thoughts until I break. “Go ahead and say it.”
“Say what?”
“Whatever it is you’re holding back.”
He scoffs. “I think we’ve answered the age-old question of nature versus nurture.”
A grin teases my lips, but I don’t speak.
“You are too damn much like me for your own good.”
Outright smiling now, I shrug noncommittally. “Sorry?”
He chuckles under his breath as if he doesn’t want me to know he’s amused. Stubborn through and through.
Yep . He’s my father.
“Listen, Lettie. I apologize for what happened back at HQ tonight.” He pauses, searching for the words. “Sorry for whatever I did to pile on to your trauma.”
My head shakes of its own accord. He still doesn’t get it.
As far as apologies go, his was almost as bad as when Mrs. Dykes made Morgan Saliken apologize to her in front of the entire fifth-grade class. The offense? She clapped at the end of Mrs. Dykes’s lecture on the importance of cursive handwriting, then shouted, “I’m clapping because it’s over and not because I liked it.” Her apology was pretty good, though. “I’m sorry for hurting your feelings when I pointed out how boring it was, Elizabeth. I thought you already knew.”
She got in more trouble for using the teacher’s first name.
Anyhow. Where was I?
Oh yeah. Boss Dad’s half-assed attempt at smoothing things over.
After the night we’ve all had, perhaps it’s best to let it go. Talk about it later when we have cooler heads.
Ha . Did you think I was gonna do that? Have you been paying attention at all?
“Tomer would never have let Viktor get away with what he did to me. That’s the difference between you two.”
He shakes his head dismissively. “Do you think I wanted to let him get away with what he did? Or that I ever had any intention of allowing it?”
Doubts sneak into my cocky bravado like creepy crawlies.
When I don’t respond, he adds, “If Viktor had been the one the architect sent, I would’ve figured out a way to extract the information we need and make him pay. He wouldn’t have been given a free pass from Redleg. You’re my family in more ways than one. And I damn sure don’t fail my family. I never have. Never will.”
Well, shit.
My posture sags as guilt floods me. A dozen apologies languish on the tip of my tongue.
Since I still can’t find my words, he keeps layering the guilt. He’s almost as good at this as Mama. “I don’t know when I became the bad guy. And I honestly don’t know what else I can do right now to fix it. I’m barely hanging on these days. I’ve got the weight of the world on my shoulders. And that’s fine. I chose this life, as I’m often reminded. But I swear I want justice for you as much as anyone else does. Especially knowing you were—” The rest of the sentence gets clogged in his throat, and he makes a coughing sound to clear it.
When I look his way, his face is pinched in obvious pain.
“Knowing I was what?” I prod gently.
“Hurt because of me.”
A shaky gasp escapes my rounded lips.
“Lettie, I know you were hurt because of Lenkov’s feud with Redleg. Decisions I’ve made. It was payback. It was because of me.”
My chin wobbles, and my fingertips dig into my thighs. “Did you figure that out tonight because of what Katia said? Or did someone say something earlier?”
He shakes his head vehemently, rejecting my suggestion. “No. I’ve known. It’s why I... why I’ve struggled to connect with you.”
At this point, I can barely see the road through my rapidly pooling tears. “That’s why you’ve been so closed off?”
“Yeah. Among other reasons. Easier to avoid facing it when I barely know you.” He inhales deeply, the air hissing into his mouth like a cooling balm. “I’ll do better. I mean it, Lettie. I’ll try.”
“I will too.”
Nibbling at my lip, I scan the dashboard and stare out the windshield. I’m unsure what I’m looking for. Perhaps something to stop me from making this situation more emotional.
Sadly, I don’t find the magical thing I’m seeking.
“Can you also try harder with Tomer? He loves you so much, and this whole mess has hurt him for far too long. It’s easy to be mad at him for lying to us, but he didn’t think he had a choice. In his mind, he was protecting you. And me. It got away from him. Haven’t you ever made a mistake before? If you could only?—”
“I failed him.”
My head rears back, surprise socking me in the throat. “What?”
“I’m unable to make peace with him for the same reason I’ve struggled to connect with you. I don’t want to face my fuckup.”
That’s a Violet Holt move right there. He must have his own little land of denial. Wonder what’s inside his. He doesn’t seem like the unicorn and singing monkey type of guy.
Curiosity gets me after the silence lingers. “What makes you think you failed him?”
“Because he should have known he could come to me with the truth about you years ago. Even if he hid it at first. I would have forgiven him.”
Fair.
“What would you have done differently to prevent him from thinking he couldn’t tell you?”
A humorless laugh rattles his broad chest. “I’d have done a lot of things differently, kid.”
I arch a brow at him. “That’s a cop-out.”
“Busted.” He quirks the slightest grin. “It’s between him and me.”
“I can respect that.” Even if I don’t like it because I’m nosy as all get out. You can take the girl out of the small town, but you can’t take the small town out of the girl.
With the next turn, the SUV jostles us around. Pothole after pothole on this road. Definitely in the rougher part of town.
Grabbing the oh shit handle, I brace my other hand on the console as we bounce along. My thoughts mimic the jarring motion, traversing the many revelations from this short drive.
One particular thought garners more attention than the rest until I finally blurt out, “It wasn’t your fault. What happened to me. It wasn’t.”
His throat bobs, and he blinks rapidly.
“I mean it,” I insist, my chin raising proudly. “No one has the right to hurt us or those we love. Redleg’s fight against the mafia to help people like Valerie Franco and Kri Dayton is the right thing to do. Saving them doesn’t make you guilty of sacrificing me. I’m sorry I said that earlier—the thing about being collateral damage. That was my broken filter talking. It wasn’t fair of me to say that.”
He clicks his tongue against the roof of his mouth. “You weren’t wrong. If it wasn’t for our involvement with Lenkov, you wouldn’t have been taken.”
“And if I didn’t love to sing, I wouldn’t have insisted on staying for the singing contest.”
I purse my lips and widen my eyes at him, waiting for him to glance from the road to see the sarcasm dripping from my face.
He finally does, then gives his eyes a glorious roll around his head, drawing a chuckle from me.
“I’m serious, Boss Dad. There are a million things I could have done differently to change the outcome. I could beat myself up over it from now until the end of time. And it would all be pointless because they would’ve come after me regardless. One way or another, they’d have gotten me. And so, to you, I say the same thing my therapist said to me. Nothing you did caused it. Nothing you did gave them the right to do what they did. Period. ” I nod my head, giving my statement some razzle-dazzle. “The blame lies on the man who’s likely covered with a blood-stained sheet, lying on the cold concrete. He’s the reason I was hurt. Not me. Not you. Not Tomer nor Redleg. Viktor Lenkov wanted me to suffer.”
My father’s broad shoulders rise to his ears as he sucks in a massive swell of oxygen. When he releases it, the tension seems to seep from him. “Thank you, Lettie. I needed to hear that.”
Unable to resist the urge to comfort him, I grab his forearm and pulse it twice. He takes his left hand off the wheel, tapping my hand. A powerful thank you conveyed with a simple touch.
When he breaks at a four-way stop sign, he hits me with the full force of his compassionate eyes. The ambient light from the SUV’s console makes them twinkle.
“You’re welcome. I meant every word.”
His returning grin reminds me of mine.
Minus the beard and wrinkles, of course.
“You know, you’re going to be a great mother.”
Gulp .
The elephant in the room has finally been called out.
We remain silent as he resumes driving.
Silence and I aren’t besties, though. “Aren’t you glad I was born stubborn as a mule?” I tease him, aiming to break the seriousness of the moment. “If I were compliant, you’d have left headquarters alone, thinking I blamed you for what happened to me. And I’d have gone to sleep tonight assuming you would’ve chosen Viktor over me.” I click my tongue and add, “Some might call my pigheadedness a flaw. But I’ve always known it was a gift.”
He laughs in a warm, vibrato tone.
We’re quiet for the next sixty seconds of the drive. The comfortable type of silence.
Flashing red and blue lights distract me from the peace I’ve made with my father, sending my pulse into high gear. He drives us close to the action, pulling right behind a patrol car.
My head swivels from side to side as I search for Tomer. Once my eyes lock on his familiar silhouette, I reach for the door handle. Before hurling myself out of the SUV, I glance over my shoulder at Big Al with my eyes questioning. “Can I get out?”
He lowers his face, eyeing me sternly from under his prominent brow. “Oh, now you’re asking?”
I bat my lashes and feign innocence. “Safety first and all.”
“Hold tight. Let me scan the area.”
“Hurry up,” I order, then quickly tack on my manners, “please.”
Right before his door closes, his huffy grumble sails to my ears, bringing out a giggle in me. I still like messing with him.
He doesn’t take long to survey the area. Once he determines it’s safe, he opens my door and ushers me toward my guy. Tomer’s in the middle of a group of cops with Leo and Sawyer flanking him. Some other Redleg guys are scattered about, talking to other cops.
When Tomer sees us coming, his face nearly destroys me. From fifteen feet away, I can easily see his apprehension. He looks the same as he did after the mission to capture Yev. When he worried that I’d see him differently or fear him. As if such a thing could ever happen.
Not a freaking chance.
I break away from Boss’s protective hold, running straight into the arms of the man I love. Slamming into his chest, I curl myself around him.
He strokes my hair with one hand, holding me flush against him with the other. “What are you doing here?”
I pulse my arms around him before drawing back. My vision languidly scoops along his chest and neck until skidding to a stop at his haunted eyes. Following the same path, my hands journey up his frame and caress his cheeks, locking him in my stare.
“I came for you.”
As soon as the words are out, I remember when he said them to me. It was the night everything changed for us over a year ago, when he came to me at Bask.
His irises brighten instantly, returning to the vibrant turquoise pools I love so much. Tears pepper the backs of my eyes, and warmth floods every cell in my body.
Lowering his face to mine, he presses our mouths together for a feathery kiss. His relief over my reaction dances across my lips, carried by his fluttery exhale.
“You okay, sugar bear? I was so worried about you. I heard you crying.”
I reassure him the best I can. “I’m fine, babe.” Sniffling back the tears, I give him my most genuine smile, hoping it shines bright enough to drive away the darkness he’s been surrounded with since he first saw Viktor in that car. “I love you. Are you okay?”
“I am now.” His teeth unclench, and he dabs his tongue at his lips. “I’m good now that you’re here.”
“Come here,” I whisper, cricking my index finger at him. “Give me another kiss.”
Without hesitating, he joins our lips. Calmness washes over me as our heartbeats align. Beating as one.
Our kiss isn’t sensual or lustful. It’s honest and pure. A soothing reconnection to remind us what matters. And for that single moment, in the midst of chaos, all I feel is him. And our love.