35. No more Nofunfuck
Chapter 35
No more Nofunfuck
LETTIE
L ettie’s Happily Ever After Log: Day Four.
Food sources are plentiful and delicious as hell, thanks to Madeline Mason. Laughs are constant. The bed is moderately comfortable, but the man sharing it with me more than makes up for any lumps.
Redleg is my happy home.
Well, not like permanently . It’s my home away from home for the time being. I’ve got no complaints about any of that. Nor about my temporary roommates.
Boss and Madeline have stayed at HQ each night, exactly as I guilt-tripped him into doing. Partly because I aim to make sure he doesn’t double back on his promise to get to know me. Plus, I want them safe. So far, he’s made good on his pledge to me.
While he’s not an open book, he’s eating up everything I share with him about my life. I’m itching to ask about that flowery tattoo. Unfortunately, I keep chickening out.
Not sure why.
Something tells me it’s not a topic he’ll want to discuss. No clue why, but I’m trusting my intuition and waiting. Let’s see if my gut is as reliable as his. It’s never been before, but perhaps it’s a dormant genetic trait that only activates when in close proximity to the source.
Boss and Madeline aren’t staying with the rest of us on the first floor of Hotel Redleg . They’re in the penthouse. Turns out, the couch in his office folds out. After agreeing to sleep at HQ, he had me order one of those comfy pads to go on top of it.
Whether or not he meant for me to order another one for the bed Tomer and I have been sleeping in, I’m unsure. But I did it anyway.
I got an even thicker cushion for Sammy and Sawyer’s bed too. She needs it. Poor thing. Can’t believe she’s still got a month to go before her due date. She looks like she’s twelve years pregnant. Bless her heart.
Having a company credit card is going straight to my head. Someone should tell Boss Dad that wasn’t wise, given my ADHD and impulsive tendencies.
To be clear, I’m not telling him. But someone probably should.
Shep, Kri, and Val are still staying at Redleg, as they have been for a while. Shep’s overprotectiveness is at an all-time high, according to Tomer.
We’re in the Redleg gym while Kri attempts to prove she’s ready to test her way back to full duty. She and Sawyer are about to go head-to-head in some type of street fight thing. They’re stretching on the mat, shit-talking themselves into an early grave.
If it were me, I’d insist on a dance battle or a sing-off. But whatever. Guess this will be an acceptable substitute.
Not everyone calls Redleg their home these days. Jonesy and Aaron have teamed up to provide continuous protection to my besties at my old apartment. I wish I were a fly on the wall to see how that’s going. The text updates have been quite entertaining.
Additionally, Mia and Klein haven’t stayed over, which bums me out. Tomer says it’s because of Klein’s mom. My chest gets tight at the thought. Watching a parent languish with illness is no picnic. Even caring for Papa during his last year, I can’t imagine what Klein must be going through.
Right on cue, my thoughts are yanked from a dark path.
“Oh, good. They didn’t start yet.” Sammy waddles over to the open chair beside me, flopping down with a flourish. “What did I miss?”
“Just a lot of trash-talking and hot air blowing.”
“Splendid news indeed,” she trills in a British accent. Her fiancé is rubbing off on her.
They’ve slept in the converted bunk room beside Tomer’s and mine since Viktor was killed. May possums defecate on his grave.
Pretty much everyone who hasn’t gone home for the night is here to watch the free entertainment. We’re seated in folding chairs scattered around the gym. Sue and Leo are on the other side of Tomer on my right. Shep’s on my other side, resting casually in the chair beside Sammy. His foster daughter, Val, paces along the edge of the mat, hollering her own brand of trash talk.
No clue what skibidi means, but Val says Sawyer’s swimming in it. I’m further baffled over why she said he’s giving Ohio . She also suggests he suffers from a lack of rizz . I know that one, though. Charisma. However, I disagree with Val on that point. If anything, Sawyer suffers from an overabundance of rizz.
Boss Dad saunters into the gym and does a two-fingers-in-the-mouth whistle, instantly capturing everyone’s attention. “Dinner will be ready in thirty minutes. Maddie says she’ll make banana bread if Kri wins. No pressure, Kri.” He lowers his brow, adding, “Or Sawyer.”
When Boss Dad asked me to order kitchen supplies to round out the breakroom for this massive sleepover, including a range, I was skeptical. If the legend is true, I’ll find out if it was a worthwhile purchase after Kri takes out the Redleg class clown.
Eager to get this show on the road, I stand and clap. “Let’s go, Kri. Kick his ass. You got this.”
She tilts her chin upward and does a princess parade wave. “I’ll get you little mamas your banana bread as soon as I put the princess to bed.”
Sammy chortles, dribbling a few drops of her water down her chin.
Instead of feigning confidence, Sawyer’s disposition shifts on a dime. His frame collapses, and he mimes walking with a cane. He adds a stumble to sell the schtick, then promptly tumbles onto the ground, doing a summersault before laying himself out spread eagle.
Laughter fills the room, including from Big Al. His laugh is surprisingly loud and vibrant, reverberating around the gym before following him down the hall. Guess he’s not staying for the show. Probably helping Madeline with dinner.
I glance at the mat, finding Sawyer still lying there like the dead. Val moves in, lifting one arm and watching it fall to the ground with a thud. She repeats the motion for his legs. More chuckles dance through the air.
Returning to my seat, I lean close to Sammy, cupping my hand over my mouth. “He’s always this animated, isn’t he?”
A look of annoyed disbelief carves lines into the soft planes of her cheeks, drawing her brows in and pursing her lips. “What do you think?”
My shoulders rise and fall with a subtle sigh. “If I were you, I’d have an alcohol problem and a large array of earplugs.”
Sammy laughs, soft and melodic as a lullaby. “I know Sawyer’s not everyone’s cup of tea, but I love him wholeheartedly. He’s the opposite of my piece of dogshit ex-husband in every way. Gentle, kind, passionate, doting, protective, but not possessive. Entertaining and optimistic.” Her cheeks slowly redden the more she speaks about him. “He never leaves the toilet seat up and ensures there are clean towels in the warmer for my showers. And best of all, he accepts me for who I am. Rage tendencies and all.”
Her love for him is palpable.
In fact, this place is swimming in hearts and flowery emotions. Even with all the testosterone, love practically oozes from the faucets and paints the walls.
My eyes scan the room. All these tough guys have ooey-gooey centers. I glance at Tomer, who’s got his face buried in his Redleg tablet. He’s blissfully unaware of our conversation. Hell , I wonder if he even knows what’s happening around him.
Regardless of his sometimes-gruff exterior, he also has a warm, melty core. Same as the rest of these tough guys.
Mmm . Warm and melty. I want a lava cake. Now . I wonder if Madeline can make that. My mouth waters at the prospect.Grabbing my phone, I make a note to ask her later.
In fairness, I’ll forget the second I slip my phone back under my leg, and the note will be lost amongst the million other helpful reminders I ignore. But it’s the thought that counts.
Sammy’s still rambling on about her future husband. “I happen to like his golden retriever energy.” Pausing, she lowers her forehead and points past me toward Tomer. “You must like the quiet types. Tomer’s more of a German shepherd. Stoic. Sturdy. Smart. Protective.”
Her words make my pulse quicken. Unable to keep my hands off my love, I caress his thigh and brush my shoulder against his.
“What’s up, sugar bear?” He lowers the tablet to his lap, shifting to face me. “You need something?”
I pucker up and smack my lips together twice. “A kiss.”
His expression downshifts from concern to serene in a snap, features softening and wrinkles disappearing. “With pleasure.” Warmth radiates from his eyes, and he leans forward, eagerly granting my request.
After he pulls away, I wink at him before facing Sammy. “I suppose I see your point. He balances me out. I’m outgoing and hyper. I can always find something to chat about. My head is a mess most of the time. He grounds me.”
Sammy sighs, rubbing her pregnant belly in big circles. “It’s all about balance.” After a yawn, she tosses out something I never see coming. “And whenever I get tired of Sawyer’s constant chatter or impressions, I shove a gag in his mouth, tie him to the bed, and have my way with him.” She shrugs casually. “See? Balance.”
A huge gut-busting laugh shoots out of me, sailing across the room and stealing everyone’s attention. Even Sawyer quits playing dead, lifting his head off the mat to see what’s so damn funny.
Should I tell him why I’m laughing?
Nah . I’ll let him keep that secret.
Mia told me everyone here was kinky. Guess she wasn’t lying.
“Enough fucking around. Get up and fight like a man,” Kri bellows at Sawyer, kicking the bottom of his foot.
“Let’s go, Sawyer,” Sammy cheers, clapping and straightening her posture.
Kri flips her off. And I laugh again. Not quite as loud this time. Close, though.
Leo strides to the center of the mat, speaking quietly to Sawyer and Kri. They both nod, agreeing with whatever he’s telling them.He claps them on the tops of their backs, then turns on his heel, marching to the edge of the mat. The combatants move into something resembling a ready position.
Combatants . I heard Tomer use that word once and immediately added it to my vernacular. More hot military shit.
Vroom vroom go my horny engines.
Leo raises his arm above his head. “Ready. 3, 2.” He lowers his hand. “1. Fight .”
Kri and Sawyer spring into action, arms in front of them protectively. They circle each other like predators. Sawyer’s feet are noticeably faster and lighter than hers.
In a flash, he dives at her lower half, taking her down to the mat without mercy.
My heart leaps into my throat, where I suspect it’ll be camping out for the duration of this battle.
They grapple on the floor, both jockeying for control.
I lean toward Tomer, who’s finally lowered the tablet to watch the fight. “Sawyer won’t hurt her, will he?”
He crinkles up his face, his nose scrunching. “Doubtful. She might hurt him, though.”
Val shouts. “Watch out for his slippery hands, mamacita . He uses a shitload of moisturizer.”
“Watch. Your. Language,” Kri grits out between staccato breaths.
“Sorry,” Val returns, not missing a beat. “Watch out for his slippery hands, Kri . He uses a shitload of moisturizer.”
Sawyer’s laugh must distract him enough for Kri to get the advantage. She swirls her legs around the mat, pivoting on her hip. Then she’s on top of Sawyer. No friggin’ clue how she pulled that off. I leap to my feet to applaud and cheer her on.
Leo cups his hands around his mouth and shouts, “Sawyer, come on. You look like a dead fish out there.”
That taunt spurs something in Sawyer, and in an impressive flurry of knees, elbows, and hands, he’s reversed their positions and pins her to the mat.
“Fuuuck,” Kri drawls, pain tinging her tone.
“Do you yield?” Sawyer sounds as if he’s barely out of breath.
Poor Kri.
My lip rolls into a pout. I wanted her to kick his ass.
“Yes. Fine. You fucker,” she whines, stomping her only free-ish foot into the mat, tantrum style.
Sawyer lets her go and stands, raising his arms in a wide V. He spins around, gloating like a dickhead. “ Let’s gooo, ” he hollers, adding a bounce of his heels and an incredibly loud and higher-pitched, “ Woooo! ”
Tomer laughs more raucously than I would have expected.
My head cricks to the side. “Was that another impression?”
Still chuckling, Tomer nods. “Nature Boy Ric Flair. An old pro wrestler. Before your time.”
I flash a fake, toothy grin at him. “Thanks, you old geezer.”
When Sawyer turns his back to Kri, her intrusive thoughts must win. She shoves her foot into his backside, sending him flailing to the mat. Cackles and guffaws mingle in the air with the sound of raucous applause.
“That’s what he gets for being a showoff,” Sammy says, clicking her tongue and shaking her head at him.
Once he’s picked himself off the floor, Sawyer turns to Kri, offering his hand. She takes it, allowing him to help her to her feet. They share a hug and some whispered words. Shep bounds over to her, likely checking to ensure she’s okay.
Ten minutes later, everyone’s cleaned up and ready for supper. Madeline rings the proverbial dinner bell via a group text.Together, we head upstairs to the breakroom.My little caterpillar is thrilled to see what she’s made tonight.
Coming in hot with a semi -related musing, my ADHD squirrel taps the mic. Being pregnant might be my new favorite thing. Last night, over my third bowl of Madeline’s gumbo, it dawned on me that I have a built-in excuse to eat as much as I want. Yay gluttony! This pregnant and barefoot idea Tomer’s been floating is starting to sound damn good to me.
However, my thoughts ricochet as Sammy falls behind the group, wheezing like she needs to be put on oxygen. Let’s start with one baby and see how it goes.
Dinner’s a pleasant affair, with amiable conversation, more laughs, and my failed attempts to stifle my moans of delight as I gobble up Madeline’s green peppers stuffed with beef and rice. Son of a butterless biscuit . This woman needs her own cooking show.
When we’re done, Leo stands, pats his belly, and starts clearing the table. He narrows his eyes at a few of the guys. “Mom cooked it, so everyone else cleans it. Those are the rules.”
Pushing my chair back, I attempt to stand, ready to help. Tomer presses my shoulder gently. “I got it, sugar bear. You and our caterpillar need rest.”
I bat my lashes at him and blow him a kiss, all too happy to sit this one out. I’m not even close to the I shouldn’t be on my feet stage of pregnancy, but if he wants to start practicing for it, I won’t stop him. It’ll be here soon enough.
“Madeline and all the pregnant females are hereby excused from dish duty,” Boss Dad decrees. “Everyone else, get off your asses.”
Despite a few grumbles of protest, they all get up and make quick work of the cleanup.
A contented sigh escapes me, and I lean back from the table to give myself some room. “Madeline, where did you learn to cook like this?”
Her smile brightens, beaming like the moon on a clear night. “My grandmother. She taught me and my...” Her cheeks wobble as an unknown emotion passes behind her eyes.
“You and who?” I ask quietly, assuming she lost her train of thought.
She glances down to the table, wrinkling a napkin in her fingers. “My sister Tilly. We were very close once.”
Oh, my heart.
Sammy shakes her head. “You could give her a call, Mom.”
Madeline affixes a phony-baloney smile to her face. “What makes you think I haven’t, darling?”
I catch eyes with Sue across the table. She looks the way I feel—curious to ask for details while simultaneously knowing it’s none of my damn business.
The conversation shrivels up like a raisin in the sun.
You know what? Scratch that. Let’s go with a grape in this sun, given a raisin is already shriveled.
And why am I correcting myself as if someone will be reading a transcript of my thoughts?
Stupid, Lettie.
Once the dishes are done, the ladies and I have our fortieth group restroom break of the day, as per tradition.
As we exit into the hallway, Tomer’s waiting for me. “Ready to go to our room, sugar?”
I nod, happy to spend time lazing in bed with him. I’ll talk him into letting me pick what we watch on his laptop. I know the secret to getting my way. Boob flashing and ball cupping. Feel free to use that trick, ladies.
He laces his fingers through mine, bringing our hands to his mouth. As he’s been doing more often, he kisses my empty ring finger, flashing a wink.
Playfully, I tilt my head backward, tossing my hand against my forehead. “Swoon.”
His velvety chuckle dances across my skin.
“Hey, Tomer. Wait up,” a familiar voice calls out from behind us.
Turning around, we find Sawyer jogging down the hall.
“What’s up?” Tomer asks him.
“I need to show you something.” Sawyer flings his thumb over his shoulder. “In the lair.”
Tomer glances at me with his brows raised.
“Let’s roll, chief.”
Shaking his head, he leads me in the other direction. When we get a few steps from the lair, he freezes, his legs locking in place. Hair stands on the back of my neck as fear threatens to burst my happy bubble.
I trace the path of Tomer’s eyes, searching for whatever’s got him dumbstruck.
The blank space on the wall beside his office door is no longer empty.
His door sign.
It’s there.
A shiny, new one.
I glare over my shoulder at Sawyer in a silent warning. He better have made it a good one.
Sammy stands beside him, clutching his arm and cuddling up to him. A big smile dances across her face.
It can’t be bad if she’s smiling like that.
With my knee-jerk reaction under control, I peek around Tomer’s shoulder to read the sign for myself.
Tomer Stillman.
Below that, it reads Redleg’s Best Kept Secret. Everyone’s Unexpected Hero.
Squinting, I lean in closer. At the very bottom, in a tiny script font, are the words The brother formerly known as Chuck.
With weepy eyes, I flash Sawyer a grateful smile. Then I focus on my man, only slightly shocked to find him trailing his fingertips along the engraved door placard. My throat nearly closes from the rush of brewing emotions.
He’s silent as he scrutinizes it, and then a gradual smile plucks at his cheeks.
“We got something else for you, Tomer,” Shep announces from out of nowhere.
“Make way,” Leo announces in a huff.
As directed, we clear a path. Hefting huge boxes down the hall, they each drop one unceremoniously at Tomer’s feet. The clatter makes me flinch, and a tiny yelp escapes me.
“What’s this?” Tomer bends, opening the unsealed box to glimpse the contents. Suddenly, he bursts out in laughter. “You fuckers.”
“What is it?” I ask, angling for a better view.
Squatting beside the large box, Tomer reaches inside and removes an item, flashing it at me over his shoulder.
“ Sumbitch ,” I grumble to myself, squeezing the cursed Chuck Nonfunfuck sign in my hand.
Shuffling forward, I fling the box open wide, uncovering hundreds of name signs. All of them the same. I dig through them, contemplating throwing one at Sawyer and everyone else who allowed this bullying for so long.
Instead of doing that, I voice a kinder suggestion. “Babe, how about a big bonfire out back? You’re good with fire, right?”
“I’ve got the marshmallows,” Shep jests, drawing a few laughs.
“T, we have something to say to you,” Leo starts, his tone holding thick tendrils of compassion. “All of us.”
Tomer rises and scans around the hallway. My eyes do the same, noticing a large crowd has gathered.
Oh boy . Where are the tissues? My gut is firing, and not in the upset tummy way.
Sawyer steps forward, placing one palm on each of Tomer’s shoulders. “From the bottom of my heart, I’m sorry for poking fun at you. Not only for the signs. I apologize for everything I’ve said or done to make you think I view you as anything less than my brother. My equal. And my friend. You’ve saved all our asses more times than we can count. I love you, man. And I’m sorry if you ever doubted that. It’ll never happen again.”
A big inhale makes Tomer’s chest swell, and he gives Sawyer a grateful nod.
Sammy takes a step forward. “My turn. You saved my life. Twice . And the life of my future husband and brother a mega shit fuck ton of times. I’m sorry for teasing you. In my defense, I’m a horrible person.” Everyone laughs at her joke, but she quickly grows serious again. “I honestly didn’t realize it was upsetting you. I’m very sorry. I think you’re a good dude. Can’t wait to raise our kids together.”
That does it. The tears start pouring.
Making room for the line of people approaching us, I press against the wall.
Kri comes up, thanking him for saving her, specifically calling out what he did on the day she and Val were captured. Next comes Val, for some strange reason. I’ve never heard of her teasing him.
“I don’t have anything to apologize for. However, I’m taking a turn because I like attention.” She flashes a cheeky grin. “Thanks for your role in saving me. Once I get my billions, I’ll break you off a piece.”
More laughter surrounds us, wrapping us in a warm embrace.
Shep approaches next, offering similar sentiments and a heartfelt apology. Interestingly enough, Shep apologizes for not burning the door signs when he first found them. Something tells me there’s a story there, but it’s not the time to ask for details.
Next, Sue and Madeline stroll up together, linked arm in arm. Interesting .
Tomer looks between the two of them, his brows raised to the roof.
There’s no way in Hades that these loving souls were cruel to him.
Madeline nudges her, prompting her to start.
Sue mumbles something unintelligible under her breath before closing her eyes and speaking louder. “Once this turned into a full Broadway production, I decided I needed someone to stand next to me. Unlike Val, I hate the attention. But ...”
“You don’t have anything to apologize for, Sue,” Tomer offers, giving her the free pass she so desperately craves. Sweet child.
She inhales deeply, expelling it in a gentle stream. “Thank you for welcoming me to the team. And for never once making me feel like I didn’t belong at Redleg. You showed me the grace and kindness that I wish everyone had always shown you. I’m sorry for not putting a stop to it like Mia and Lettie did. That was my bad. In my defense, I hate interacting with most people.” Her cheeks grow ruddy.
“Don’t worry about it, Sue,” Tomer tells her in earnest. “You’ve been a good friend to me.”
Her face brightens, and her shoulders roll back. “We’re friends?”
After a soft chuckle, Tomer says, “Yeah. We are.”
“Cool,” she says, nodding emphatically for a beat before shuffling out of the way. As she passes Tomer, she gives him an awkward pat on the shoulder instead of a hug like the others have done.
“Hey, did someone say my name?” Mia’s voice rings out, melodic and flowy.
She and Klein are hustling down the hallway, holding hands.
“Sorry we’re late. Mom had a little issue,” Klein says with a hint of shyness.
“She okay?” Leo asks, voicing everyone’s concerns.
Klein nods appreciatively. “Yeah. She’s fine now.”
“This is crazy, you guys. Enough already,” Tomer groans. “Klein and Mia didn’t need to make a special trip back here for this. The signs were enough. Why are you making a spectacle?”
“Because you’re fucking worth it,” Mia says with a vehement nod. Jumping to the front of the line, she plants herself in Tomer’s path. “Now, stand here and listen to all the good shit everyone has to say about you, or I’ll fuck up your credit like I’m gonna do to Shep.”
Tomer’s cheeks burn a brighter shade of crimson than Mia’s hair. Hell’s bells, even his nose and ears are rosy. It’s obvious there’s another objection on the tip of his tongue, but Mia sharpens her glare, cutting off his words before they pass his lips.
I like her so flipping much.
Tomer’s shoulders slump forward, and he makes a show of trying to shake off the praise.
Unwilling to let him escape this, Mia slides behind him, gripping his arms to hold him in place. “Go, Klein. You’re up. I don’t know how long I can hold him.”
As jovial as the first night I met him, Klein saunters up with a cheesy grin splayed across his face. “T, you’re the fucking best of us. You’re smart as hell, steady, and loyal. You deserved better than what I gave you in return. Especially after everything you’ve taught me. I’m sorry. I love you, man.” He opens his arms, canting his head to one side. “Bring it in, buddy.”
Giving his eyes a scenic tour of the inside of his head, Tomer rolls them with a flourish. With obvious reluctance, he accepts the proffered embrace.
When Klein moves aside, Leo comes forward, his enormous frame blocking the entire hallway. Much like the others, his words are sincere. I watch from the sideline, tears raining in rivulets.
“We’re a family, and collectively, we’ve let you down. Even still, you never failed us. Through all the pranks and dumb jokes, you’ve been our rock. Saving our asses and supporting us. You’ve never wavered from that. Recently, two smart, caring ladies told me that you might not realize our teasing was simply well-meaning ball-busting, like we do to each other.” Leo pauses, his gaze bouncing from Mia to me before landing on Tomer’s misty eyes. “I want you to know we never intended to hurt you. And I recognize now, more than ever, that jokes aren’t just playful jabs if the receiving party doesn’t know it’s all in fun. It was stupid as hell for me not to notice it bothered you.”
With a grin tugging up one cheek, Tomer quips, “Maybe you’ve got a touch of the ’tism too.”
Leo beams at Tomer as chuckles dance around the hallway.
The giant presses his gargantuan paw against Tomer’s upper chest, an inch above his heart. “You’re the rock of Redleg. And we won’t ever let you forget that.”
Tomer encircles Leo’s wrist, pulsing it twice before lowering it off his chest. For a moment, he struggles to speak, overcome with emotions.
My sweet man.
Finally , he says the only word he can manage to grit out. “Thanks.”
Simple. To the point.
Entirely Tomer.
As the giant backs away, only one man remains. My father.
“Come for a walk with me, son.”
Oh lawd.
Son?
I’m running out of fluids from the ocean of tears I’m bawling.
As they stroll down the hall, Boss Dad throws an arm over Tomer’s shoulder. Watching them go, all I can do is hope they’re both ready to heal their hearts. My caterpillar deserves them both in his or her life.