Chapter 4
CHAPTER 4
The smell of a barn always soothed Austin. He’d grown up on a ranch, after all, and riding was in his blood. Then, as an adult, he’d found healing in horses when nothing else had helped. He’d been on the brink of personal ruin, alcohol and bad decisions leading him to one crisis after another. Then he’d found the equine therapy program and it had saved his life. He wasn’t being dramatic, it was facts. If he hadn’t turned this life around, he would have sunk to lower depths that would have likely killed him.
As he stood in front of his favorite mare, Mabel, he smoothed her mane and let his mind wander to the past weekend. It had been uneventful, as was his usual, except for being overly focused on the comings and goings of Payton.
She left early in the morning Saturday and didn’t return until well after dark. The same for Sunday. She’d mentioned working with her family and he found himself wondering what kind of trips she was leading. Hiking was popular with tourists this time of year. He knew the Walker family had been through difficult times, first losing their mother when Griffin was a senior in high school and then losing their father a little over a year ago. The siblings had pulled together to continue the family business. Much like his own had when he left town a decade ago.
He brushed off the similarities between himself and Griffin. He would have expected Griffin to understand the urge that led Austin to leave town rather than face reality—after all he’d done it himself. Yet Griffin judged Austin for leaving. He nearly ran him out of town himself. It was bad enough for Austin that his then girlfriend’s parents had been angry, but his friends were as well. The unexpected pregnancy had devastated their close-knit group. Add the fact that Austin and Emily hadn’t been a couple when the pregnancy occurred—his best friend Tom had a huge crush on Emily for years. Despite a mutual attraction, Austin hadn’t gone there—until he had. One night and one too many beers in the field behind his family ranch where the friends hung out and Austin and Emily had made a baby.
That was the night that everything had changed. He and Emily agreed that they were too young to be serious and wanted to date before they settled down. Tom had drummed up the nerve to ask her on a first date, which had gone fine for Emily and amazing for Tom. Then she called Austin in a panic. He’d driven over to her house, terrified she was sick, only to find her huddled on the bathroom floor in tears. And two pink lines on the stick on the bathroom counter.
And that had been the end of his world as he knew it.
Austin didn’t believe in regrets or rehashing the past, except he couldn’t ever quite get Emily out of his mind. He was consumed with the what ifs—what if he hadn’t gone to the party that night? What if he hadn’t proposed in an attempt to do the right thing? What if she’d never stepped in the car that night and gotten in the accident.
Austin imagined that he was here at the Rolling R under different circumstances. He would have stepped into the management of the ranch as expected and he and Emily would have a nearly ten year old child. Yet here he was, standing alone in a cold barn, his life nothing but a series of painful memories.
“Ready for me?” Payton’s voice broke through his thoughts.
She stood in the doorway of the barn, her blond hair shining in the sunlight. Austin’s breath caught and he suddenly had to remember how to breathe. Austin wasn’t one to be overcome by his feelings, but something about Payton broke all his rules.
He had never felt like this with anyone before. He’d never allowed himself to feel close to anyone since Emily. Yet Payton had somehow snuck under his barriers and was treading too close to his heart.
“I’m as ready as I’ll ever be,” he replied.
She strode into the barn, her long legs encased in denim. She held a book in her hand and tilted the cover so he could see.
“The first step is to assess where you are and what is needed to move the program to fruition,” she announced.
Austin pointed to a hay bale which made a convenient seat. “We can sit and go over it together.”
Payton sat on the hay without hesitation. He followed her lead and waited for her to begin. He intended to take her offer of consultation seriously. She was the expert in this area and he needed the help. Austin wasn’t too proud to admit when he needed assistance. His own therapy had taught him that.
“So what have you done so far?”
Payton turned to face him and tilted her head expectantly. Austin outlined his plan and his goals for the program. Her eyes lit up with interest and he felt the stirring of hope for the first time. Payton was the only person who didn’t tell him his ideas were outlandish or unattainable. She gave him her full attention and asked thoughtful questions.
“I know I haven’t done much yet,” he admitted. “But I want to do this right.”
“You’re going about this exactly as you should. Your program sounds wonderful and I’m so happy to be able to help.”
Payton looked genuinely happy. Her smile was bright and reassuring. Austin felt himself relax for the first time since returning home.
“Thank you.”
Wildwood Falls held so many painful memories, it was refreshing to create new ones. She was the last person he would have expected to be a part of rebuilding his life.
The woman in front of him was as strong as she was beautiful. He pictured the girl she had been and contrasted it with the person she was now. Up close, he could see the hints of her freckles scattered across her cheeks. She wore her long hair in two braids today, just as she had when they were younger.
Austin gave into the urge to tug on one of them. Payton shot him a look that landed straight in his gut and brought him back to the past like a time machine. Falling into old habits with Payton felt like the most natural thing in the world. It was also a dangerous idea. Because he could sense the tension simmering between them under the surface and it would only take one spark to set them ablaze and burn down everything around them. And Austin needed to remember this was not their carefree youth, but the present in which his former best friend would likely take any opportunity to punch him in the face.
Besides, he was too old and jaded for Payton. She was barely twenty-two to his twenty-nine. The past decade had aged him more than he could describe. Losing his best friend, then his wife and child within quick succession of each other took its toll on a man.
Payton swung her braids to her back, as she did when she was younger, which always provoked another tug. In the past, he hadn’t thought much of it, but now her slight smirk made him wonder if she did it on purpose. Leave it to Payton to be a brat, even as an adult.
His fingers itched to reach out again, but he resisted. Instead, he indulged himself in the curiosity that had been gnawing at him since she moved in.
“I’m surprised Griffin didn’t tie you down to keep you from moving here.”
Payton straightened her spine and cut him a look. “I told you, I’m a grown woman and make my own decisions.”
Austin couldn’t let it go. “But he wasn’t happy about it.”
No need to make it a question as he knew Griffin almost as well as he knew himself.
“He would have been unhappy no matter where I moved,” Payton hedged. Her fingers played absentmindedly with the rough edge of the hay.
“But the fact that it’s with me makes it worse.” Austin really needed to stop. It was like picking at a scab. Painful but satisfying.
“Why don’t you ask him yourself?” Payton turned the tables on him—again. She had this way of setting him off balance so he was never quite on solid ground.
“You know he doesn’t talk to me anymore.”
“But I don’t know why?” She turned again to face him fully and the weight of her stare pinned him in place.
He turned to face her and electricity crackled between them. Austin was no longer thinking of pulling her braid, but of cupping her face in his hands and kissing her.
Dangerous territory.
“It’s complicated.”
“That’s what Griffin said when I asked him. That’s basically adult speak for I messed up and don’t want to admit it.”
“Griffin didn’t tell you what happened?”
He held his breath waiting on her answer. He shouldn’t care as much after a decade, but damn if he missed his friend.
“Nope. I got the same infuriating non-answer. For two grown men, you both sure are stubborn.”
Austin huffed out his breath. “It’s really up to your brother. He’s the one who made it clear he never wanted to speak to me again.”
“You’re going to see each other eventually. We live in the same small town. And I live with you.”
“Not with me. On my property.” The distinction was important to him. Living with Payton brought all kinds of other ideas to mind that were not for him.
Payton rolled her eyes. “Close enough.”
“Yes, but your front door is in my backyard.” Not far enough.
He tried to push the fact they were so close out of his mind every night as he tried to fall asleep and found himself wondering what she was doing in her apartment. If she was lying in bed, too.
“My point is that Griffin will visit me here or you will run into him in town. You can’t avoid the inevitable forever.”
Payton sounded like his conscience and guilt prickled his spine. It was a mistake coming back to Wildwood Falls. He was naive to think he had outrun his past.
He shrugged. “I’m planning to avoid it as long as I can.”
“Suit yourself.”
Silence fell between them and a heightened awareness of their close proximity. It was cool and quiet in the old barn and it felt like they were the only two people in the world. There wasn’t even the faint hum of the ranch work this morning.
Sunlight came through a weathered beam and landed on Payton like a spotlight. As if the universe was pointing out just how special she was. Austin didn’t need the reminder.
He gave in to the temptation to flick her braid again, except his fingers didn’t cooperate and he found himself holding one, fingering the smooth hair. Payton’s eyes widened with surprise, but she didn’t make a move to pull away. Her pupils flared, just enough to tell Austin that she was curious where this would lead.
Curiosity was a dangerous thing.
He allowed his fingers to follow the ridges of the braids until his hand cupped the back of her head. He tugged lightly, just to see how she’d respond. She followed his lead and he found her mouth in kissing range.
She licked her lips and Austin groaned.
Abort, abort, abort.
His feelings overrode his good sense and he slowly closed the remaining distance between them, loosening his hold on her hair so that she had ample opportunity to object and pull away. Because once his lips landed on hers, he didn’t know if he could stop.
Payton moved closer too, and her breath ghosted over his mouth. He settled his lips on hers lightly, keeping the kiss soft and exploratory. Payton tilted her head to change the angle and sighed softly.
She rested a hand on his bicep and squeezed. Austin darted his tongue out to lick the seam of her lips and she opened to him. Her mouth was warm and her tongue met his as he deepened the kiss. Payton ran her hand from his bicep to his hair, tugging lightly on the waves.
The sun was warm on them and Austin’ pulse raced at the embrace. He’d kissed a lot of women in his life, but as with all things, Payton set a new bar for the experience.
Austin brought his other hand to her hip and gripped the denim as if it would anchor him into this moment. Sensations overwhelmed him and he felt like he was floating.
Reluctantly, he pulled back after a final firm kiss. He braced himself for any manner of reactions, but Payton simply smiled softly.
“That was a great kiss.”
“It was,” he agreed. Payton kissed like a dream.
Her cheeks were flushed, her lips puffy, and her braids had come partially undone from his hands. She looked well kissed and it took all his restraint to resist nudging her down onto the barn floor to finish what they started. Payton deserved more than a quick tumble in the literal hay for their first time.
Except there would be no first time because he needed to keep his hands off her from now on. This morning was a mere momentary slip, not the beginning of an affair.
“We can’t do that again,” he said.
Surprise and hurt flashed in her eyes before she reigned in her expression. “Because of Griffin?”
“Yes. And because you deserve more than a man who’s made more mistakes than good decisions in his life.”
“I doubt that is true. Your equine therapy program is going to help a lot of people.”
“Consider it atonement for a misspent youth.”
Her brows furrowed and he stood to avoid the questions he could see in her eyes. “I should go. I have some errands I need to run.”
Lies. He had no immediate needs, except to remove himself from this situation as quickly as possible. His skin suddenly felt too tight and his reflex to run as soon as things got uncomfortable returned.
Payton stood, as well. “I have some paperwork to do at the office, anyway.”
“Great, I’ll be in touch soon about our next meeting.”
Austin nearly ran out of the barn, leaving Payton standing in the patch of sunlight looking angelic and far too good for the likes of Austin.