Unexpectedly You

Chapter 1

Haden

Iwatch the coffin in front of me, its form all blurry. I blink a couple of times to clear my vision from the tears swimming in my eyes. Focusing on anything is impossible with the thundering question absorbing all my thoughts. Why am I not the one lying in there?

Instead, the sight of my beautiful little sister hits me like a knife in the guts. She had so much to live for.

I, on the other hand, was the one born wrong, born abnormal. Or at least that’s what my family thinks. Were any of these words mine? Yes, once they lived rent free in my head, deep inside, and they chewed my guts like a starving wolf eats its prey.

Now, they’re not important, and I squash the never-ending hope of being accepted. I’m aware it’ll never happen, and yet…

It would be a lie if I said I didn’t hate myself. I do.

But not my sister. She always loved me for who I was. Who I am.

How could she leave me behind?

It should have been me.

I should be the one lying inside the coffin, resting against the white cushion. No one would have cried if it were me lying there. It would have been a weight off their shoulders, a secret that, if revealed, wasn’t going to shame them any longer.

I squeeze my eyes shut, wishing with all my being that when I open them, I’ll no longer be here and she’ll still be with me.

Her face is so pale, resembling the pillow she’s resting on. Eyes closed, and mouth deprived of all the light that her smile would bring to her face, just like her body is deprived of all the warmth.

I touch her hand, because even if my eyes are telling me she’s no longer part of this world, I still can’t believe it. I still need to feel her here with me.

Her cold skin under my fingers creates a cage of ice around my heart.

I won’t ever hear her beautiful giggles, so contagious people would turn around and look at her as if in rapture.

I want to hear Halia laughing, the sound so infectious that even my hardened heart could be penetrated by her joy.

Like it was every time we saw each other.

She could illuminate a room with her smile and her personality. She loved me with all her heart, even when no one else did.

I never thought I’d survive her, my beautiful little sister. I never thought she’d be dead at twenty-four.

Now who’s going to love me?

Alone. The word resonates inside my head and makes me hollow. I’m alone.

Dizziness spreads inside me at the thought, just like it did when my mother called and told me Halia was gone. That day, though, my legs didn’t support my weight and I crashed to the floor like a broken doll. The pieces are still scattered there and I’m sure I’m never going to be whole again.

Today, in front of these people who judged and rejected me because of who I love, I’m going to stand tall. I’ll never give them the satisfaction of seeing me broken.

“Darling, I’m so sorry. I’m going to miss you like crazy.

Please look after us from above. You’ll be with us, always.

I promise—“ My voice breaks, and I swallow to make space for the words to come out. “I promise I’ll do my damn best.” I should walk away and leave space for other people to say goodbye, but I can’t leave her.

She’s going to be as alone as I am now if I let go of her hand.

My mum’s drilling holes in my back with her gaze. It’s a living thing that makes my skin crawl and fills me with the need to run, but I can’t leave my sister alone.

“Haden.”

My mind reacts to her voice by making my skin taut on my bones, as if it’s trying to remove itself from her presence. My legs twitch with the need to leave, but my hand grips my sister’s even harder.

“Mother.”

“You need to move along.” Her tone is hushed, because she doesn’t want to make a scene. Even the open casket, not so common here, is all for show. Displaying us was always what made my mother happy, even more than controlling us.

Today, I’m glad she did this, though, because I can see my sister one last time.

I failed many times to stay in the box she placed me in, and I hate that she’s trying with all her being to put me back in.

“I need another minute and then I’ll go.” I don’t look at her, but I stand in front of the coffin, immovable.

Her hate is like a living thing and it’s on me as if I’m wearing it, but after a few seconds, she moves away, and I’m able to breathe again.

“Halia, I’m going to do what you asked. I’ll do my best.” I bend down and place a kiss on her forehead, and whisper my last goodbye.

“Love you, Ari. I’ll see you soon.” I squeeze her hand once more, and then I move along.

I don’t look at anyone, but I hear their whispers as loud as if they’re screaming.

Once I’m outside I breathe again. I’ll be seeing my parents soon, but for now I need to stay away from them.

Later I’ll be celebrating my sister’s life, alone, but only after we place her six feet under. Only after I have to watch the coffin disappear. Right now, I need to be strong, I need to be here, and I need to show them that I’ll be taking care of what’s mine.

I take a short walk, trying to find the strength I need to go back inside.

“Haden, we’re starting.” There’s no trembling in her voice, no despair, no rage for whatever took her daughter away from her. Just that cold demeanour I’ve always hated.

I turn around and walk back in. I don’t reply or talk to her, because for me she doesn’t exist anymore, not since the day she stood in the living room next to my dad, while together they told me to leave the only house I’d ever known and to never come back.

“Haden?”

I turn around as I try to push the past away to concentrate on the present. I don’t usually wallow in the memories of my time at home, because there’s nothing I can change. I have a life, one I’m proud of, and I won’t allow them to ruin it.

I acknowledge her, and I walk inside, because today is not about me. Today is about saying goodbye to the best person I’ve ever known… Halia.

The music is already playing, and a soft smile reaches my lips when I hear one of Ed Sheeran’s songs playing. Halia was mad about this singer, and I love… loved my sister enough to endure these honey-dripping songs.

I take my place in the front row. My parents may not consider me family, but Halia was and always will be my sister, the only family I ever needed after my parents threw me away.

I fight back my tears with teeth and claws, but by the time the first song is over, I’ve lost my battle. I sob like a kid who’s lost his favorite toy, devastated by it. I don’t care if people judge me. They’re nothing to me.

When it’s my turn to say a few words, I take the time to dry and clean my face, and to allow my pain-muddled brain to find the words to express how much I love her and how much I’m going to miss her.

My dad steps in front of me when I’m ready to talk, and I stop, waiting to see what he’ll do.

“We don’t want you here,” he says, not worrying about people hearing him.

I hate Father a bit more now, because he could have avoided this, this worthless expression of hate that doesn’t bring peace to anyone. I hate that he doesn’t have respect for my sister. His daughter.

“Though shit, if it were your funeral I wouldn’t have bothered to be here.” I keep my tone down only because I don’t want to disrespect my sister. I wish I could enjoy his fuming face, but the sadness inside me doesn’t allow any other feeling to stick.

I walk past him and reach the lectern. Once I’m there I look around the room without seeing any of the people there.

What I’m seeing is my sister and I when we were younger.

She followed me around as if I was a light in a dark night.

I loved seeing her trying to do everything I did, and screaming in joy when she succeeded.

I was the quiet one, and she was the queen of the stage. I’m going to miss her so damn much.

I share a few memories of us together, but what I really want is to pay tribute to her memory in my own way. I want to celebrate the love we shared without any haters around.

I go back to my seat and tune everything out, and I talk to her in my mind.

“I love you sis. I’ll do everything I can to make you proud.”

“You already did,” says her voice inside my head, and even if I’m sure it’s my imagination, I want to believe she’s still here with me and that she is proud of me.

I leave as soon as the casket is no longer visible, as the fresh soil takes over. I don’t look back, because there’s nothing I’m leaving behind. My sister will always be with me.

Time to find a drinking hole so I can pay homage to the person I loved more than anyone else.

Tomorrow, I’ll be back to being a responsible human being and do my best to fulfill my sister’s last wish.

I jump inside my car and my hands around the steering wheel. They’re trembling, as my body is, with the need to scream… Return my sister to me! Not even the day I lost everything was as devastating as losing my sister.

I drive aimlessly, not really seeing the road in front of me, memories of us together filling my head and making my heart ache even more for the loss.

When my eyes once again fill with tears, I stop the car, and the empty road is a blurred mirror of what my life is at this moment.

I rest my head on my hands still wrapped around the steering wheel.

I look for a tissue inside my pocket when I’m finally able to control my emotions. My fingers bump against my phone and I pull it out together with the handkerchief.

My sister would have laughed and called me “old man.” And that I was, at least for her. She was seven years younger than me, and where I’m all dark and full of grumpiness, she was light and full of happiness. We were polar opposites, but we bonded, at least for the years we got to spend together.

I used to watch her from afar, and not make my presence known when my parents were there, until she was older enough to pretend… or should I say lie about spending time with her friends while she was really with me.

I unlock my phone and pull up the latest message we exchanged. Halia’s voice fills the inside of the car, and another swell of emotion hits me hard.

“Hey you! Don’t be a stranger. Arianna and I miss you very much.”

I never got the chance to go and see her because a couple of days later she was gone. Forever lost.

I shouldn’t be driving because I’m shaking too much. Taking a cab would have been the best idea, but I needed space, my car, and the road ahead of me. My only safe and silent place right now.

I need peace.

I need Halia back.

I can’t take care of anyone, not even myself.

I can’t.

I look around in need of a few drinks, hoping they’ll help mask the hole I have inside me. That’s when I spot the sign for a bar, one I’ve never seen before.That tiny little place is calling me, telling me to leave my sorrow outside and come in to find a place to rest.

To find a place to forget, at least for a moment.