Chapter 9 #2
This is fucking terrifying. Instead of taking a step forward I take a step back. I never sweat this much even in a fist fight. The closer the moment Arianna will be with me gets, the more my fear grows.
I move to a stand full of tiny little onesies, and I touch one of them with my fingers feeling the softness of the fabric. My heart squeezes at the thought of what could have been, and what is instead.
Who am I going to rely on? I shake the thought away and concentrate on the problem ahead.
This baby is already changing my life and she hasn’t even come home yet. Tomorrow she’ll be with me, and I’m dreading it so bloody much.
I clutch the tiny onesie in my hand as if I’m afraid it’s going to explode, and I stride down the aisle as if on a mission, before I can tuck tail and run away.
I have to get out of my comfort zone and approach someone for help. I clear my throat again when I reach the sales assistant I saw just a few moments ago. “Is this a normal size for a baby? Is this too fancy for everyday wearing?”
“How old is the baby?”
“She’s four months old.”
“They’re so cute at that age, aren’t they?”
How the fuck do I know? I’m a lost cause. I can’t last three seconds without cursing.
I nod as she keeps talking. “We have some cute things for that age.”
I follow her while she walks as if on a mission, and she keeps talking about things I don’t know.
“What do you think of this? And this? And this?” she says, placing more and more stuff in my hands.
“I’m totally lost,” I say to her, my voice coming out all growly, sounding more like a bear than a human. My face probably shows how frustrated I am, because she takes a step back and smiles at me awkwardly.
“I can tell, but we are here to help.” Her smile is a forced one, and new doubt fills me.
What if I treat Arianna the same way? Is she going to hate me because of who I am?
I relax slightly when there’s no judgement in her eyes. Instead, what’s there is understanding.
“These are good for a four-month-old? But you’ll need at least ten more.”
“Ten?”
“What babies do is spit up and explode.”
“Explode?”
“Yeah, they’re utterly chaotic. They don’t really explode, but the house will look like they did.”
I let out a sigh. I’m stepping so far out of my comfort zone that it’s making my hair go gray faster and faster. I won’t have to wait until she’s a teen before having it.
I spend the next hour interrogating the young lady, and I’m surprised by the fact that she doesn’t lose her patience with me. I understand why when we get to the till.
“That’s two thousand three hundred pounds.”
What the actual f… dam… what in the heavens. I’m getting better at this shit.
I’ve got the money, but this baby thing is expensive. Now I wonder how my sister could support herself after that fucker of her boyfriend fled the scene after getting her pregnant.
“I’ll call someone to help you get everything in the car.”
Another thirty minutes and I’m on my way home. The drive to my place is more relaxed than the drive to the store.
“Hey, man.”
I’m fucking grateful when I manage to keep in the squeal pushing up through my throat when someone approaches me from behind. I turn around to check who it is, but when I’m met with Kai’s smirk, as if he knew I was going to scream like a scared cat, I’m like a viper ready to attack.
“Fucker,” I say, and then set myself to ignoring him.
“Good afternoon to you too,” he says, unfazed by my outburst. His tone is full of amusement.
“What do you want?”
“I’m checking on Jay.”
“Didn’t you check yesterday?” Was it only yesterday?
“Jealous much?”
I grit my teeth but I don’t say anything.
His smirk, though, tells me he noticed. “I’d be jealous as well, if I had that little thing in my house.”
“Don’t talk about him like that. He’s not a thing. He’s a beautiful human being.” The more I speak, the more Kai’s lips turn into a smile. I went down like a pin hit by the ball.
“Aww, that’s so sweet.”
“Stop talking,” I say, gesturing to him to zip his mouth. “Instead, make yourself useful by helping me get this stuff upstairs. Don’t make too much noise because Jay could be sleeping.”
We make quick work of bringing everything upstairs, and maybe our “being silent” is too loud because the door opens before I can use my key.
Jay’s shocked expression at seeing the landing full of baby stuff nearly makes me laugh. He doesn’t even notice Kai behind me with his hands full of bags.
“What’s all this?”
“Baby stuff.”
“I can tell.” His eyes sparkle with mischief. “Did you really have to buy the entire store?” He bites his lips but the giggle can’t be stopped, and it fills the space.
“The lady there helped.”
“No kidding.” His lips twitch and he bites them harder.
I’m sure he’d have laughed if I wasn’t looking at him. “Don’t.” I stop him when he tries to reach for one of the bags. “Leave it to me.”
Jay raises his arms and moves away from the door, but not before sending a sweet smile my way, making my heart skip a bit.
“You could help me,” Kai says, poking his head between me and the door to make sure Jay sees him.
“No, he won’t.” I push him out of the way, and send a dirty look his way. I’m still irked by what he said downstairs, and how not too far from the mark he is.
“Hey, stop that,” he says, pushing me forward.
“I’d swat you away like a fly if it weren’t for the fact that Jay needs you.”
Jay is smiling when I turn around, and I like it very much. He looks so young and carefree, and so at ease in my house, as if he was always meant to be here. I ignore the nagging thought of wanting things to always be like this when it takes over my brain.
“Stop drooling.”
Fucking Kai. “Shut it,” I growl, while making sure Jay doesn’t hear me.
Kai’s laughter resonates inside the apartment, and filters out, echoing through the stairwell.
“Give it a rest and do your job.” I place the bags out of the way and Kai does the same.
“Yes sir.”
I want to punch him, but the idea flies out of my mind when Jay’s face, illuminated by a smile, occupies my vision.
“Tell him,” I say to Kai while pointing at Jay. “To stop doing things, and to rest.”
“I don’t want to be a burden.”
I want to kick my own arse when his smile dims a bit. “You’re not a burden,” I scoff, trying to be less of a bastard. “You’re here because someone attacked you, not because you are a burden.”
“Don’t listen to Mr Grumpy. He’s bitter because I’m better looking than him,” Kai says, and I roll my eyes when his brows wiggle up and down in a suggestive way.
My hand itches with the need to smack him hard. “Keep dreaming.”
Jay’s laugh fills the room once again, the sound light and a bit shaky. His face goes serious after a moment. “Seriously, though. Thank you for letting me stay.”
“Don’t worry about it. Just… don’t get yourself into the same situation again.”
“I’ll try,” Jay says, trying to act indifferent, instead of looking like someone just punched him in the face. “I’m lucky you were there to protect me.”
Why do his words make my insides feel all mawkish?
Yeah, lucky. “I just wish I’d found you before he could do all this damage.” I caress the part of his face that still looks awful, a mix of green and purple. I don’t even know how I close the distance between us. My insides go all gooey when he gently rests his face against my palm.
Jay looks at me through his eyelashes and my heart thumps inside my rib cage.
Kai clears his throat, breaking the tender moment. “Can you move? I’m here to do a job.”
I should have punched him the moment he scared the shit out of me at the car. I let my hand slide down until it rests at my side. I move inside the apartment, already missing the feeling of Jay.
I send a killing glare to Kai, but he just smirks. Can this guy do anything else but grin?
Instead of following my instinct and making him suffer, I turn my attention to the stuff still outside the door. While Kai takes care of Jay, I focus my attention on bringing everything in.
Without being too obvious, I observe their interactions, and Jay’s relaxed behaviour gives me pause. He smiles more with Kai than when he’s with me. There’s always an edge in every interaction we have as if we’re waiting for something to happen.
Against my better judgement, I still wish he was looking at me instead.
Jay’s eyes find mine, and the sweet smile he sends my way, taking over his entire face, calms that ugly part of me that’s restless at the idea of him being attracted to Kai.
By the time I’m done moving everything from the living room to my room, making space inside my chest of draws for all those small clothes Arianna is going to wear, Kai is done examining Jay.
They’ve moved to the kitchen and are immersed in a conversation while the kettle boils.
I crash onto the sofa, feeling like I climbed the five hundred and thirty steps in St Paul cathedral to reach the Golden Gallery.
I rest my head on the cushion, my eyes unfocused on the ceiling.
I close them, feeling the heaviness of the responsibility I have for Arianna, and the knowledge that I’m not the best person to care for her.
The other option would be for her to grow up with my parents, but how could I do that to anyone after what I went through?
I bury my face in the crock of my elbow, hoping that’s enough to shut everything out. I’m not even considering the feeling stirring inside me because of a certain someone who’s now living with me.
A tap on my arm has me peeking out from my hiding spot, and Jay’s handsome face appears in front of me.
He’s carrying a glass of water and I pull myself up to accept it.
I ignore that he’s still doing things he shouldn’t be doing.
I don’t want to tell him off again. “Thank you,” I say before bringing the glass to my lips to take a sip.
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah.” But even I can hear the doubt in my tone. “Where’s Kai?”