Chapter 15
Haden
Iwatch Jay as he gently rocks Arianna, his fingers tracing circles on her back as she rests on his chest with her head nestled on his shoulder. He has a towel covering it, so if she drools or regurgitates his clothes won’t be affected.
His movements are fluid and it’s easy to see he’s had a lot of practice before, not like me, brand new to the situation.
Jay’s hands bring memories of us together, his fingers gripping my biceps and his nails leaving crescent moons on my skin. Shame they’re already gone, but they have a special place in my mind. My lower head takes notice of where my upper head is going and starts to fill.
These are not the thoughts I should have when Arianna is around, though.
He was the first thing on my mind this morning, when I woke up to the sound of Arianna squealing away as if it was three in the afternoon and not five in the morning.
Jay looks at me, and something must give me away because his face turns a gracious pink colour that suits him very much.
He turns away and brings his attention back to Arianna, ignoring me.
He handles her as if he’s done nothing more than taking care of children, which reminds me that Jay was a teaching assistant before.
I can totally believe that, and I’m sure he was amazing, because every day I witness how amazing he is with my daughter.
Daughter… How easy has it become to think of Arianna as mine? It must be all the sleepless nights I’ve spent cuddling her in my arms while she cries for something I have no clue of.
I’m still not used to calling her that, but every day it gets easier, and the guilt for being the one who gets to live these precious moments with Arianna is fading. I’m sure Halia is happy about what I’m doing with her daughter, and proud that I’m raising her like she would have.
Free to be who she is and loved for being herself, no judgement and no demands.
My phone vibrates in my pocket, and I don’t even have to check to know it’s my father.
He’s been blowing my phone up all day with imperious messages, ordering me to bring Arianna to their house so they can see her.
I’ve been ignoring him for nearly a week because I don’t want to be anywhere near them.
I’ll have to cave eventually, but for now I’m getting to know Arianna, and letting her get comfortable with me.
My eyes land on Jay again. I can’t forget those moments in the kitchen that night we spent together… and it’s impossible to ignore that I called him Angel. Me? The man who never gets attached.
I still can’t forget how patient he’s been with me, and with Arianna. Gently reminding me that I don’t have to feed her every time she cries, and that sometimes a change of nappy is due.
I can’t wait until she’s older and I can make the first time I changed her an anecdote that’ll be recounted many, many times.
It’ll be the first thing I’ll say to her partner when she brings them home…
I shiver at the idea of her dating… just after telling them I’ll kill them if they make her suffer.
There’ll be a lot of grumbling in my future.
I let my eyes wander over Jay’s face… the guy I saved, who somehow is saving me too. Something unfamiliar rises inside me, and it takes me a moment to understand the feeling.
Hope.
It’s stained with fear, but still strong enough to push me forward.
Hope is something that hasn’t been in my life since I was cast away by my family. But maybe we’re creating a new one, Arianna and me, and how can I not include Jay, who’s keeping everything glued together?
How did I get so lucky?
A pang of guilt hits me, because this familiar life wasn’t supposed to be mine. I turn my thoughts to my sister, to thank her for giving me what I never thought would be mine.
“Hey,” Jay says when he spots me at the door looking at them, his mouth curving up. I want to savour that soft smile with my lips, until we’re both panting and craving for more… so much more. But I restrain myself, because I want to look at them a little bit more.
“Hey to you too,” I reply, moving in until I’m on the floor next to him, sitting close enough that our legs brush, and turning on that subtle current that’s always present when we touch.
I reach out to touch Arianna’s hand, and her little fingers close around my bigger one.
Tight, as if she doesn’t want to let me go.
If I wasn’t already set on protecting her, with this gesture she makes me hers forever, because no one has ever before looked at me as if I could hang the moon in the sky.
I raise my other hand to thread it through my hair, trying to get a hold of my feelings and not have them spilling out of me. I’m not ready for that.
Jay stops my movement by taking my hand in his, awakening the same need to protect that I have for Arianna.
“We’ve got you,” he says, making my heart grow as big as the universe, as if expanding to incorporate them both. His words anchor me to this reality I’m loving so freaking much.
I close my eyes, trying to control my emotions, and Jay probably understands because he gives me the time I need to collect myself.
“Are you okay?” he asks once I open my eyes again.
Feeling like my armour is off and everyone can see me, I focus on Arianna. “Yeah. I was thinking.”
“About?”
“About everything. About my sister and what she’s missing. About being ready to do this long term. About trusting.”
“You’re more ready than you believe. Look at Arianna, at how happy she is, and this is all because of you.”
Fuck, he makes me all fucking emotional.
I swallow hard, trying to get past the lump in my throat that makes words impossible.
When talking seems beyond me, I lean in, craving the warmth of his hand, and again that feeling of hope rises to the surface, stronger than before.
After a moment, even that touch is too much.
With the need to escape I rise to my feet, and then lean in to take Arianna from his arms.
“I’ll get her changed before I go to work,” I say without looking back at Jay.
“Okay,” he replies, his tone sweet and gentle, as if knowing that saying more than that could break me right now.
I place Arianna on the changing table, and pick what I need to change her from the big drawer. I’m surprised when my movements are secure and easy. So much progress since she arrived.
I open the nappy and groan at the smell coming from it.
“You’ve got a smelly bum,” I tell her, gagging a little because of the nasty smell.
The sweet tone my voice takes when I talk to her amazes me every time.
It’s like just her presence is able to bring out the best in me.
My chest expands when she giggles, as it does when the sound comes from Jay.
It’s like my heart is making space for them every single day.
I use the wet wipes to clean her, and then I pick her up after I get rid of the old nappy and lay down a new one.
Trying to connect the strips to keep the nappy in place takes more effort than it should, because she’s a hurricane. Her legs move at hundred miles per hour, and stopping one has the other going faster.
“Come on, princess, help a man here.” The desperation in my voice doesn’t match what’s simmering inside me, because there isn’t any.
“Daddy’s in trouble again?” Jay’s voice washes over me, making my feelings boil instead of simmer. He’s a completely different person from the man I rescued a few weeks back. Silly, relaxed, beautiful and mouth-watering, so much that I want to have a longer performance, naked time involved.
Not the time, though. This moment is family time, and I like this time as much as I like Jay.
“You’re a troublemaker, aren’t you?” I say, tickling her tummy and making her giggle.
Jay’s sweet laugh joins her, and those emotions troubling me just moments before settle inside me.
He uses his body to gently push me out of the way.
I don’t resist but I don’t go far, because I enjoy every touch even if brief, and in a few perfect moves the nappy is done, Arianna is clothed again, and I’m handed the bag with the dirty one.
“Hey,” I say to him, following them towards the kitchen.
He turns around, sticks his tongue out at me, and at my outraged face, he grins and his eyes twinkle with mischief.
This is happiness.
Every day is full of small victories, all made less painful by Jay’s silent presence. He’s always there when I need him, but he gives me the space to try and fail, and then succeed.
He’s always there when I need him, helping me to survive the sleepless nights, the night feeds, and reminding me to change her nappies.
I catch myself watching him when I’m around and touching him every time I can, feeling a protective warmth that scares me a little… a lot. Can I really let someone in? Most of all, can I let myself want something for myself?
Every time my eyes land on Jay and Arianna, everything seems simple. His steady support and his being real make me believe that maybe I can.
I stay behind to clean up while they move to the other room, and once I’m done I join them in the living room. Jay and Arianna are playing on the rug, and the house looks a mess with toys everywhere. But Arianna’s smile is worth the hassle of having these things scattered around.
I pick her up, unable to resist her charming face, and kiss her cheeks repeatedly making her squirm to avoid my bearded lips. When I put her down my eyes catch Jay’s, and without thinking I lean in and land a chaste kiss on his lips.
When I pull back I’m met with a stunned face but sparkling eyes. Before I can stand up, he pulls me back in for another long one.
When he’s done I don’t wanna leave. I want to pull him up and move us to the bed.
“See you later,” he says, letting me go and then winking at me.
“You tease.”
“I’ll give you more later.”
“You better.”
“If you behave…” His tone is timid, as if he’s afraid of angering me.