Chapter 16
Jay
The house is quiet when I pad through the corridor with the soft step of a person who’s learnt the hard way to move like a whisper.
When I reach Haden’s room, rays of morning sun are shining through the half-drawn curtains, spreading the golden light throughout the room, but not too much to disturb Arianna. I enter the room and pause at the crib.
She’s still asleep, curled on her side with her tiny fist against her mouth as if she’s fallen asleep half way through sucking on it.
I do this every morning, as seeing her while sleeping, all soft, warm, and defenceless, reminds me that I’m still safe and that no one is going to knock at my door to pretend I sell my body for money.
Some mornings when I wake up, I still believe I’m living in a dream, and I close my eyes so I don’t have to face reality. But then I hear Haden moving around, and Arianna squealing, and I relax on the bed, gripping the day ahead with both hands, because I know it’s going to be a good one.
Every day Arianna feels more a part of my life, a very important part, just like breathing.
The last two days have been a nightmare. Seeing her so sick, small, and defenceless has made me feel powerless.
It’s been even worse for Haden. His desperation has been like waves, sometimes high and powerful, close to choking those around him, and other times boiling under the surface but still as intense. His body has been unable to contain the energy always so close to exploding, though it never did.
He’s always composed and mindful of the tiredness we’ve both been under, especially when Arianna won’t stop bawling her eyes out, sleeping an hour at a time and forcing us to rock her for the next two.
It’s been a waiting game, with moments we believed she was getting better, and moments of desperation when the fever would go up again.
There have also been moments of tenderness between us, made of those small everyday gestures that speak of care and support, like bringing coffee, or a blanket placed on each other when we fell asleep without wanting to.
Spending this time together, cuddling, caring, and worrying, has made the link created the first time I saw her in Haden’s arms tighter, making it impossible for me to imagine the day where she won’t be part of my life, where I can’t be here to protect her.
Caring for her together has made my bond with Arianna and Haden stronger, and my love for them has grown, as has my respect for the man who saved me, in more ways than just pulling that man off me.
He kept vigil while I slept, and when he finally closed his eyes I was there for him, for them. Who will support him when I’m not here?
I haven’t let the thought that this is temporary stop me from involving my heart.
Maybe I’m stupid, maybe I’ll be crying soon, and maybe I’m bringing this on myself, but when it comes to Arianna…
and Haden, my brain reminds me of the man who occupies the part of my brain not reserved for his daughter.
When it comes to them I don’t want to go in half-hearted. They deserve everything.
I pull the door closed gently and then head to the kitchen.
The bottle steriliser is humming. Haden has taken care of Arianna before going to work, but I check that everything’s ready for when she needs to eat again.
It makes me feel useful and in control, two things I really need in my life after spiralling into not having any of both.
Also, it keeps me from freaking out. It’s been a week… seven bloody days since I heard from Jeremy. All my calls and texts have gone unanswered and I’m close to tearing my hair out.
I check the kettle and it’s full—even in the small things Haden takes care of me.
I shouldn’t like him this much when everything is on a temporary basis.
I turn it on and lean against the counter while I wait for it to boil.
I look around, the house feeling too big when those two are sleeping.
Those big personalities of theirs never give me time to think about the future, or to think about what comes next.
My phone buzzes and I pull it out, hoping it’ll be a text from Jeremy. Of course it’s not Jeremy. Instead, it’s Haden, and my heart does a little somersault, like it does when he touches me.
Haden
Awake?
Or are you battling with the princess?
Even his messages are short and to the point, but still the way he cares comes through.
Jay
She’s sleeping. I’m making coffee before she wakes up and remembers that she’s starving.
Haden
Call me.
We usually have time to have a cup of coffee together in the morning before he goes to work, but this morning the knock at the door and his head poking in to tell me it was late it’s all I got.
I cherish the moments we spend together before Arianna is awake.
No coffee together, and no morning discussion about our plans for the day have left me a bit out of sync.
Those are my moments with Haden, where the connection we have is undeniable.
I hit the button and the call connects almost immediately, without giving me time to prepare to hear his sultry voice through the phone.
“Good morning,” he greets me, and boy the shivers I get are out of this world. His voice should be illegal.
“Morning.” How can I be shy when we live together and his face is the first thing I’m lucky to admire in the morning? Let’s not even talk about his chest, and the tattoos I still haven’t had the chance to lick one by one.
Pull your head out of the gutter, I tell myself, but damn if his voice doesn’t press all the right buttons.
“It felt strange not talking to you first thing this morning.”
Does he have some mysterious power telling him what I’m thinking? “Yeah, it was.” Not to let his words go to my head, I joke, “I missed my coffee this morning. It’s always better when it’s handed to me.”
“You must still be asleep. You’re usually the one doing the handing in the morning.”
Oh my, his chuckle leaves me breathless and surprised, and I need to go downstairs and touch his lips to be sure he’s really him, because he never chuckles.
He’s been smiling more since I’ve been here, and even more since Arianna has arrived, but we were deprived of his laugh until today.
I let it wash over me, enjoying every single tingle I get from it.
“Am I?” I don’t even remember what we were talking about.
“My client has arrived. Talk to you later.” He’s gone before I can reply, so I put the phone down and prepare myself a cup of coffee.
My phone vibrates on the table, and I pick it up.
Haden
Has Jeremy called?
Jay
Nope. I’ll have to hunt him down.
Haden
Let’s talk more when I’m back. Kiss Arianna for me.
Jay
Okay.
A wail comes from Haden’s room, Arianna is awake.
I put down my half-drunk cup of coffee and hurry down the hall. I open the door and whisper, “Good morning princess,” as I reach the crib, watching her face relax and her wailing stop for a second.
She flails her tiny arms at me, her face all blotchy from her attention calling.
I scoop her up and sway automatically, while I hum, trying to calm her down.
I want to kiss her little cheek because she’s so cute, but instead I rock her a little when she sniffles against my chest. “You’re so dramatic in the morning, just like your daddy, aren’t you?”
Her big eyes blink at me, all wet and still full of sleep, and my heart squeezes at the trust she has in me.
“Let’s get you a bottle,” I say and walk to the kitchen to get everything ready. While the milk warms I change her quickly, and then sit on the chair to feed her.
Her eyes play peek-a-boo, opening and closing with the rhythm of her feeding, and her hand curls against the bottle as if making sure I don’t take it away.
I totally understand why Haden is so protective of her, because she brings out the best parts in people with her adorable eyes, right now half-lidded with sleep. I’m no one to her but I want to hide her away from the dirt of the world.
I would give everything to have the chance to see her grow into a beautiful and kind woman. Dreams for me don’t become reality, though.
When Arianna finishes I lift her up against my shoulder to rub her back and make her burp, and when the sound resounds in the room, I laugh quietly.
I should put her down inside the playpen so she can play, but today I want to feel her warmth a little more.
Not sure if it’s because of Jeremy and not being able to get in touch with him that brings my old life to the forefront of my mind.
When Arianna becomes fussy I sit her in her bouncer, and busy myself cleaning the kitchen until everything is smelling like lemon, then I move to folding the clothes I washed yesterday.
I love hearing her squeal and giggle while she plays with the toys that stimulate her mind. She’s so clever already, knowing by instinct where to place the shapes.
After a change of nappy, and when everything is clean and I still have too much energy, I pick Arianna up. “Shall we leave the house and go for a walk?”
The opening of the door distracts me from the idea of taking a walk.
“I’m back.”
“Welcome back.”
“Where is my princess?”
“We’re in your room. I was getting her changed to go for a walk.”
“Hey, Angel,” he whispers in my ear when he’s close enough, and my mind quiets while my body shudders.
I love this nickname that’s only mine. “Hi,” I say breathlessly, and then like it’s nothing, he leans in and brushes his lips against mine.
All thoughts vanish from my mind, and I don’t even react when he takes Arianna from my arms to nestle her against his chest, and his other hand lands on my lower back as though staking a claim.
I want to be claimed. I want to be held. And I want to be special. So many wants, but what can I offer in return?
“Shall we go for a walk together?”
I don’t want to go anymore, because everything I want is here in this room.