Epilogue
Haden
Nine months later
The house smells like pancakes, with a hint of cinnamon and spices, reminding me of Christmas, a very happy and cozy Christmas. Like the one I hope we have this year.
Everything has changed in our lives but the cardinal points are exactly the same. Love for each other, and love for Arianna. She has become the queen of the house, now that she can walk and talk.
The trust we’ve built wasn’t created with a grand gesture or over one single moment. It was built with everyday moments… those small things that connected all those scattered pieces.
We were broken when we were apart, but now that we’re together we’re complete. We helped each other find those missing pieces and put them back together to make us whole again. We can see those cracks, but they’re a beautiful reminder that we’re survivors.
I love how we found our own language made of glances, touches, and a smile shared across the chaos of a sleepless night.
We’re not perfect, far from it. We still stumble, we still struggle, but something that never leaves us is hope. Hope that we can make it, hope that whatever was taken from us in the past can be given back to us in the future.
I don’t ask for anything, because everything I have now is more than I thought I’d have in my life. I count it as a blessing.
I spent most of my life believing love brought only devastation.
I loved my parents, and I was destroyed by them.
But not anymore. I don’t spend my days thinking Jay will behave like them, or leave me because I’m not able to be the person he wants.
We’ve chosen each other and we work hard to overcome what separates us.
Our kisses still have that underlying desperation that we can’t get rid of. Now, we also share kisses that are full of love, joy, and passion, but are also filled with reassurance and closeness.
I used to hate this time of the year, because I couldn’t share my loneliness.
But with Arianna in my life everything has changed.
Knowing she’s waiting is a joy I bring with me when I leave.
When I’m back home she’s there to fill my arms with love, affection, and whatever sticky food she had a battle with when I wasn’t there.
She loves to pull my beard, and every time she does I growl like a bear, and she laughs, a belly laugh that makes the house feel like a home.
Being home means spending time playing with her, and being amazed by her intelligence and quick tongue. She’ll be going places when she’s older, but I’ll be proud no matter what.
I miss Halia every day, and every day I talk about her with Arianna. Every day I thank her for giving me a daughter, and I promise to do my best to make her happy.
I lean against the door frame, arms crossed, and watch the people I love the most in the entire world.
Jay is waltzing around the kitchen, with festive socks on his feet, humming to the radio. He’s wearing one of my jumpers, a red one to match the festive season, and gosh if I don’t love it. He looks amazingly edible.
I’m itching to get my hands on him, take everything off until he’s wearing only what’s mine and then riding me until we’re both breathless and happy.
My dick loves the idea as much as I do.
While making Jay mine will be sweet and blissful, watching them while they don’t know I’m here, takes away the trepidation that this sublime life is just a dream from which I’ll wake up one day.
Arianna is in the high chair, and like me she’s looking at Jay, blabbering in her own language and clapping her hands when he says something to her.
After what happened with my parents, and at Adam’s suggestion, I’ve taken steps to adopt Arianna.
We’re waiting to hear from the court at any moment now.
I’ve also taken steps to request a no-contact order to protect her from their harmful, manipulative, and unsafe behaviour.
I’ve provided Adam with all the threatening and homophobic texts they sent me before and after the court hearing. They never learn.
I push those thoughts away, they’re not what I want to focus on. Instead, I go back to admiring these two, who seem to be having the best time ever, and I want to be part of it.
When Jay bends to check inside the oven… so no pancakes, we’re probably having cinnamon biscuits instead.
I sneak closer, gesturing to Arianna to keep silent. She babbles, and I grin. I put my hands on Jay’s hips, caressing his arse, and I laugh when he jumps and turns around with a scowl on his beautiful face.
Now that we’re looking at each other, I pull him against me, caging him inside my arms. “Hi.” I love this, so familiar and only for us.
“Hi,” he says, breathless from all that dancing, or maybe—and I prefer my version—from my touch, my presence, and my very awakened cock rubbing against him. He rises up onto his toes and puts his arms around my neck and then his lips are on mine.
Definitely my version is winning.
I never get tired of this, of having him in my arms, his lips on mine, and his body pressed against my own.
“Arianna and I are making biscuits.”
“The smell is amazing.”
“You smell good too,” he says on my lips, teasing me, as if I need any teasing to be ready to take him to bed.
“Behave,” he says with a grin. “Innocent eyes are on us.”
“You’ve become too good at reading my mind.” This time I wear a scowl, a fake one.
His head falls back when he laughs, exposing his neck, and I’m too weak to resist. I nibble at his Adam’s apple, and I love the guttural moan he lets out before pulling away and taking a few steps away from me.
“Arianna is watching, you naughty man. You won’t be getting anything this Christmas.”
I take a step forward and pull him into my arms once again. “I have everything I want and need in this room.” I love how his eyes sparkle and fill with love.
“You sweet-talker,” he says, pulling me down by my shirt for another lust-burning kiss.
It’s amazing not to live waiting for the next disaster to happen.
Instead, everything is so domestic and beautiful, and still feels like a dream.
I can’t believe nine months ago we were fighting so many fights and believing everything was against us being together.
We made it, though, and here we are enjoying a normal family day.
The alarm sounds, and he pushes me away again to get to the oven. “My biscuits.”
At the same time, the bell rings and Jay stills, then turns afraid eyes on me. “Babe?” Jay’s voice trembles with apprehension.
“It’s going to be fine,” I say to him after pulling him back to me, landing another kiss on his lips. Not for fireworks, but as a way of anchoring him and showing him that even if things aren’t perfect, they’re perfect for us, and we’re perfect for each other.
The next kiss is for telling him that I won’t allow anyone to hurt him.
He nods and hands me the gloves, putting me in charge of saving the biscuits while he slowly walks to the door.
Once done, I lean again on the door frame to watch this known surprise unfold.
For a moment everything freezes, Jay’s grip on the door so tight that it makes his fingers white, and his face.
“Hi Mum. Hi Dad,” Jay says when he opens the door.
Margareth’s voice and then Phil’s, just murmured words that I’m not close enough to hear.
Jay moves to the side of the door to let his parents in. As soon as they’re inside the house, they’re in each other’s arms. Jay and his mother are crying, while his father looks at them with wet eyes.
“Oh, my baby,” Margareth cries. “I’ve missed you so much.”
“I’ve missed you too, Mum. I’m sorry.”
“My baby, you have nothing to be sorry for,” she says, pulling him closer to her chest. These are the same words she repeats to him every time Jay says I’m sorry. There’s no doubt in Margareth that Jay was never at fault.
I admire her strength, that of a mother who wants to love and help the only child she has left. Even my eyes get teary when Jay relaxes against her, eyes brimming with tears, but they look brighter than before.
That haunted look he had every time that horrible night was mentioned is just a tiny spot. He would probably never forgive himself, but maybe with his parents here he can come to terms with it.
The whispered I love yous are beautiful to witness. Just like me, Jay’s father Phil is trying to stay strong, but I catch him drying a tear from his cheek.
This is family.
Even if I cut them off, I wish I could say I don’t think about my parents anymore, but that’d be a lie. In the heart of the boy I once was there is still that tiny dot of hope. Even if the older me knows differently, and can’t ever forget.
I’m working on forgiving, because if I don’t let go of the past, I can never really embrace the future.
And there’s nothing more important than my future with Jay and Arianna.
Jay and I are seeing someone separately, because we both need to heal.
But when we’re at home, while we sit together on the sofa with Jay on my lap like we usually do, we share everything.
We believe that sharing our struggles, our victories, small or big, is a step towards putting everything in the past.
Since Dick was arrested, Jay has been battling nightmares, anxiety, memories of the accident, and shame. Some days are better and others are worse, but since we reached out to Jay’s parents, things have been improving.
I’m sure one day we’ll be only living the present and dreaming of the future, while the past will be left in the past.
Their love and understanding about Jay’s feelings, his guilt and shame, has made all the difference.
I’m glad I reached out to them after what we went through with my parents and Dick. I didn’t ask Jay’s permission, because I wasn’t sure he would want me to. Instead I asked Shine once again for his help.