29. Carter
Daddy holds me tight, and I let the feeling of safety and love that he provides give the boost and confidence I need.
Eventually, I pull away, and his fog gray eyes look at me with so much love that it takes my breath away.
It’s easy to believe him, to trust that he and Marcus mean what they say, and they’ll always be there for me.
There hasn’t been a time in our relationship—even while we were just friends—when I didn’t feel their acceptance of me.
“I love you so much. I…thank you.”
He cups my face, gently rubbing his thumb against my scar. The move is so reminiscent of the man who put it there that it has fresh tears pricking the back of my eyes. “You don’t have to thank me for loving you. Accepting you, mind, body, and soul, is the least we’d do for you, Love.”
I grab his wrist, needing the connection. “You’re the best Daddy.”
He huffs a laugh. “I’m your only Daddy.”
“Yeah, because you’re the best. I trust you to take care of me.”
“Always.” He leans in and kisses me, and I feel so…cherished.
I meant what I said, though. It’s Keegan and Marcus’s care and attention of me that gave me the confidence to explore, and let out the word that wormed its way into my heart.
The title, and place, feels so much more right than “Sir” ever did.
I don’t know what I did to deserve this, to deserve him, but I’ll cherish it, always.
Pulling back, I sigh as I meet his eyes again.
“I need to go see if Cristian is awake. I need to talk to him. Lio brought up a good point about therapy for Roman and Cristian, and…it’ll be good for me too.
Because no matter what, we’re still a family.
Roman needs us, and not only that, what you said is true.
Our time together…it’s not easily thrown away.
I am finding it harder and harder to deal with the guilt and heartbreak, so this will be good for us.
But I promised Roman I’d tell Cristian.”
“Have you considered therapy for yourself?” he asks gently.
“I’m not saying this to hurt you, but…you’ve gone through a lot of grief and pain, Love.
Not just recently, but over the years. I can’t imagine dealing with everything you have and coming out half as strong as you are.
So, it might be a good idea to have a few solo sessions with whoever Javi pairs you with.
We’re here to support you, in whatever you want to do. ”
Taking a slow breath, I nod. “I’ll think about it. Let me get through this with Cris first.”
“Do you want me to come with you?”
“You’re sweet, but this is something I need to do on my own. Will you be here when I get back?”
“Always, Love.”
I kiss him and soak up as much strength from his touch as I can before finally getting up. It’s hard not to go back to him and drag him along with me, but I need to know he’s there for me, waiting to hold me until I’m steady once more. Because that’s what partners do.
I take it slow on my way to the medical wing. Not stalling, but not wanting to rush things either. Going over and over in my head what I need to say to him, all so that the moment I step into the room, all words fly from my mind.
Doc is with Cristian, who’s awake, half-inclined on the bed, looking pale and gaunt. But those eyes…the onyx eyes that sear into your soul, are as bright and enchanting as ever.
“I’m so glad to see you’re awake. How are you feeling?”
“I’ve been better,” he says softly.
I look at Doc. “Have you told Roman?”
“I left a message. He’s with Ignacio and Jayden right now, but I’m sure he’ll be by soon. I want him to rest as much as possible before coming back in here.”
Roman isn’t going to like that, but I agree with Doc. The boy will run himself ragged trying to cater to all of Cristian’s needs. Good thing he has plenty of people looking out for him.
“Are you done with him? I’d like to speak to Cristian, alone.”
Doc eyes me. “I’ll be keeping an eye on his vitals. Don’t stress him out too much.”
I huff. “I won’t.”
He grumbles under his breath, but finishes looking Crisitan over before leaving the room and shutting the door behind him.
When it’s just me and Cristian, we stare at each other, the air charged with everything we need to say but can’t.
“How’s Keegan?” he asks, breaking the silence.
I huff. “He’s good. Thanks to you.” I swallow and cross the room to take a seat beside his bed. “Why did you do it?”
He swallows and licks his lips, but doesn’t look away. “Because you deserve to be happy. Despite what I’ve done, the person I became…all I’ve ever wanted was for you to be happy.”
“You can’t be a self-sacrificing bastard,” I say vehemently. “Roman won’t survive it. No matter what he says or shows, he still loves you. Neither of us are ready to let you go, Cris. No matter what happened between us.”
He takes a deep breath, but winces in pain. My heart breaks at seeing this strong man so hurt. And for what? To save one of the men I’m in love with? Fuck. How did we get so screwed up?
“Sinclair called,” I tell him quietly. “Between him and Hollis, they were able to fast-track our paperwork. There was a judge who owed Sinclair a favor—” Cristian snorts, because there’s always someone who owes Sinclair a favor. “And got it signed off. So…we’re officially divorced.”
He lets out a shaky breath. “Good. I…I’m happy for you. You can make a life with Marcus and Keegan without me weighing you down.”
I shake my head, blinking back tears. I may have been the one to orchestrate the end of our marriage, but that doesn’t make it easy. Keegan is right, ten years is a long time. And despite what it may have looked like, it wasn’t easy walking away.
Calling Sinclair was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. Signing those papers…knowing how good we were together at one point, but accepting that the hurt, the damage that we caused one another, couldn’t be ignored any longer…it hurt worse than if someone had torn my heart from my chest.
When I can breathe again, I meet Cristian’s gaze once more.
He seems to war with himself for a moment, licking his lips and taking as deep a breath as he can without causing himself pain. “I miss you.”
“Cris…”
“I know,” he says, his black eyes pleading with me to let him have this. “I know. You're happy now, and I am happy for you, Caro. Please, believe that.”
Letting out a shaky breath, I reach for his hand, taking it in both of mine and bringing it to my mouth.
“I do. I know you love me. I love you too.
It was never about not loving you, but about loving our son, and needing to love myself.
In that moment, I...realized I had nothing left.
To give, to fall back to. Nothing. And that's not an example I ever wanted to set for our son.
I became a shell of myself, and I didn't know what else to do. But it was never about not loving you.”
He lets out a stuttering breath, wincing a little. “Well, that's comforting.”
“Don't do that. It... We got fucked up, but we can do this, right? We can be there for Roman. And maybe find something for ourselves, even if it's not together.”
He squeezes my hand as hard as he can, which in his state isn't a lot. “If you think you can forgive me, I'd like that. I need you in my life, Carter.”
“I forgave you a long time ago, I think. And...I miss you too.”
He closes his eyes and I kiss his hand again.
“Will you go to therapy? With me and Roman? I…we’re still a family, Cris. We might be over, but in order to get back to some semblance of a friendship, to be there for each other and for Roman, we all need to see Marshall.”
He grimaces and opens his eyes once more. “I promised Allesandro I’d go to therapy. Atticus agreed to take me on… I’m struggling here, Carter, but I want to try. For Roman, for Allesandro, for myself…and for you.”
I let out a shaky breath. “Thank you.”
“Don’t thank me for this. It’s the bare minimum I’d do for you and our family.”
Leaning over, I press a kiss to his forehead. “We’ll find our way, Honey. It might not be what we pictured, but…I do believe you were meant to be in my life.”
He closes his eyes, and a few tears roll down his cheeks.
His hand in mine is the only thing keeping me from breaking apart, but it’s enough.
Broken, jagged pieces of my heart slot themselves together as the relief that I get to keep this man in my life courses through me.
There’s more to come, a lot fucking more.
The pain we’ve caused one another doesn’t go away overnight, but for now, it’s enough as we take our first shaky steps towards our future.