CHAPTER FOUR
The barn has always felt more like home than anywhere else on campus.
The second I step through the enormous sliding doors, I fill my lungs with a deep breath, letting the familiar scent settle somewhere deep inside my chest. Fresh pine shavings mingle with fly spray and leather that's been lovingly cleaned a thousand times over.
But beneath it all is the unmistakable smell of horses.
It's warm and grounding and achingly familiar.
God.
I've missed this. I’ve been through hell the last few months.
I’m dreading seeing Elijah again. I have to keep my distance, but I know he won’t allow that.
I’m terrified that if I look him in the eyes, I’m going to break down.
I’ve held it together, tried to stay strong and protect the people I love, but I think one brush of his hand against my skin would be my downfall.
The equestrian facility at St. Augustine is egregious, but lovely, and I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t thought about sleeping in the stall tonight with my horse watching over me.
I have to be careful because I have a target on my back, but I have missed Beau so much that I just need to see him and give him some of his favorite treats.
I knew that he’d be taken care of here, but it doesn’t break my heart any less that I haven’t seen him in months.
While St. Augustine doesn’t have a formal equestrian team, the best instructors in the world are available upon request. The barn is heated and air-conditioned, which Beau seems to love, even though our no-nonsense farrier, Jack, says he should be outside being a horse instead of standing under his own personal fan in his stall eating imported alfalfa hay.
Every stall is spacious and is equipped with a personal turnout and a private tack closet.
The indoor arena is Olympic-sized with perfectly groomed footing that never seems to have a hoofprint out of place.
Bleacher seating lines one side for shows and lessons, though even during practice it isn't unusual to find people sitting there simply to make out away from the prying eyes of roommates.
That is until the barn manager, Karin, sees them.
She runs this place with the precision of a military commander.
I smile to myself as I wander toward Beau’s stall, already knowing it'll be empty this time of day.
Karin's routine has never changed in the years I’ve boarded here.
Breakfast is served at dawn, horses are turned out, and then stalls are cleaned before most students are awake.
If I want to find him now, he'll be out in the main pasture with the others, blissfully unaware that I not only have someone blackmailing me, but I was also found by The Saints and turned over to Onyx Dominion for my disappearing act.
I knew I had to leave when I opened my bedroom door and saw that the entire room had been ripped apart in a rage.
My dresser drawers had been dumped onto the floor, clothes scattered everywhere, textbooks split open, my mattress shoved halfway off the bed as though someone had been searching for something so desperately they'd stopped caring what they destroyed in the process.
All I could see was the folded piece of paper sitting perfectly centered on my comforter. My hands were shaking by the time I unfolded it.
I know your little boyfriend’s secret.
I think I must have blacked out a lot of that night, because I was so scared.
The group of us made a pact that night that we would never speak of that night again.
If none of us told a soul, then how would someone know Johnathan died on the cliffs that night?
I remember calling Elijah before I even realized I'd picked up my phone.
He answered on the second ring.
I tried to tell him what was going on.
I remember saying his name and hearing my own voice shake. I wanted to tell him someone had been in my room and that my father was trying to send me to Onyx Dominion.
Elijah never let me finish telling him what was going on. He sounded frantic and angrier than I'd ever heard him when he cut me off, telling me not to speak to anyone. He told me he'd gotten a note too, that he'd figure everything out, that I needed to keep quiet until he knew who was behind it.
Then the line went dead.
I stared at my phone for what felt like forever, willing it to ring again. It never did. It was only a few minutes later that The Saints came for me. I escaped the transport once, and I'm still proud of that.
I made it farther than they expected, farther than any frightened girl was supposed to, but men like that don't stop hunting just because you make them work for it. I was truly on my own without Elijah’s protection.
Eventually, they found me and delivered me to Onyx Dominion. That faction of The Black Crown Society wasn't designed to leave bruises where people could see them. It was designed to erase pieces of you one day at a time until you stopped remembering who you were before you arrived.
They tried to take away my voice and break me down into something agreeable that wouldn’t cause a problem for The Saints.
I don’t know what triggered my father to send me there.
Elijah was the only one I spoke to about not wanting to attend The Choosing ceremony.
During my time at Onyx Dominion, they questioned me repeatedly about the Moretti triplets, but I never uttered a word, no matter the punishment.
I don’t know if Elijah knows where I’ve been since they found me, but I’m not ready to face him yet.
My name felt like it belonged to someone else by the time they were finished trying to break me down mentally to reshape me into the kind of woman the Society expected me to become.
They knew I was still valuable to them to marry off, and I suspected that was the reason I’m alive and untouched by the grotesque men who hand out punishments.
I have not received a kind touch since the night on the water with Elijah.
I force myself to inhale, blinking away the memory of being beaten with a belt until I passed out because I wouldn’t tell them anything about the night Jonathan died.
I quickly realized they were working on a hunch.
They didn’t know anything for a fact, and as long as I could withstand their torture, they’d have nothing on the Moretti’s, Annabell, or myself.
Being home at St. Augustine feels sort of like an out-of-body experience.
Like I’m floating above myself, watching as I try to acclimate to this place again.
I’m grateful I haven’t seen my parents because I’ve got enough rage bottled up that I think I could strangle my father with my bare hands for turning me over to those monsters.
My mother, I’m sure, would say that she didn’t have a choice but to allow it because my father makes the rules in the Winthrop household.
But she can get fucked too, because I’d never let someone torture my child.
A slow hack around the fields or maybe the brightly lit outdoor arena won't fix everything. It certainly won't erase Onyx Dominion or undo everything that's happened since I disappeared. But maybe I’ll make it through the night without crying.
I turn toward the staircase that leads to the overlook above the arena, already planning to change out of my St. Augustine uniform and into my riding clothes before heading out to the pasture.
I thought it was bad before when I realized we’d be required to wear drab gray and white uniforms. But after I received my letter from The Saints, they added light pink to the mix.
I’ve seen girls decked out in red, which means they were claimed by The Sinners.
I'm halfway across the aisle when a familiar voice cuts through the barn. I don't even have to turn around to know I’m about to have a terrible night. The voice alone is enough to make me close my eyes for a second.
Of course she’s here, and of course she’s going to give me a hard time.
"So interesting," Serena, my biggest hater besides Onyx Dominion, drawls, "look who finally decided to come back and visit her horse."
I let out a slow breath before looking over my shoulder. On second thought, maybe I will strangle someone with my bare hands tonight.