Chapter 31 Alessio
ALESSIO
THE SUN HAD just disappeared behind the spier of St. Andrews as the night enveloped the city. Manhattan was beautiful during the day, but at night, it was like a whole other world. A world where the impossible could become possible.
It was a place for the hungry. A place for dreamers.
And I was coming to realize I was a little bit of both.
The lights for the church gardens came on, illuminating the fountain and roses below, and as I stared down at the sacred space, my chest tightened.
Rafael had gone to visit with Archbishop De Vecchi this afternoon, and if I were being honest, I wasn’t feeling all that confident about the outcome.
But that was where the dreamer side of me was coming into play—or maybe it was the delusional moron—because despite knowing how much De Vecchi disliked me, I was holding fast to the notion that he cared for Rafael and would hopefully offer up the reassurance he was searching for.
If not, I was totally screwed.
It was a shit position to be in. One I didn’t like. I was the kind of guy who liked to take care of matters himself. The kind of guy that, if I wanted something, I went after it and got it. It was a mindset I’d had even as a kid. But also one that had been honed when I joined the Kings.
We didn’t wait around for things to happen. We made them happen.
But all I could do now was sit and wait.
I sighed and made myself move away from the window and find something else to do. Maybe time would pass faster if I wasn’t staring out the window wishing it by. Rafael had said he’d call when he finished talking with De Vecchi, and I just needed to be patient.
That night he’d come to me through the tunnels had changed everything. It was like all the years between us had melted away, all of the pain, all of the longing, all of the suffering, and we were finally back where we were supposed to be, with each other.
I needed to trust that, trust him—and I did.
I grabbed the remote, about to kick off my shoes and watch some mindless TV, when a knock on the door put every muscle in my body on high alert.
No…
No, there’s no way that’s—
Knock. Knock. Knock.
I tossed the remote on the couch and ran to the door, which I all but ripped off its hinges.
There, standing in front of me in relaxed jeans, a cozy turtleneck sweater, and perfectly windswept hair, stood Rafael. He had a bag in each hand, and a half-smile on his lips, and when our eyes locked and held, he shrugged.
“You got room for an ex-priest with nowhere to go?”
I reached for his sweater and pulled him inside as I shoved the door shut behind him, my lips finding his before he could say another word.
The sound of bags falling to the floor was overshadowed by my groan when Rafael cradled my face and deepened the kiss, slipping his tongue between my lips and sweeping the inside of my mouth, tasting every inch he could.
My body instantly reacted to being touched, held, and loved by him, my heart racing, my cock throbbing as he ran his fingers through my hair.
“You’re really here,” I whispered, pulling back so I could look at him standing in my place again.
“I really am.”
“For how long?”
“For however long you want me.”
My stomach flipped as I looked him over, not quite believing what he was saying—and some part of that disbelief must’ve been written on my face, because Rafael reached for my hand and brought it up to his heart.
“I spoke with the archbishop. I told him everything.”
My eyes widened at the thought of confessing anything to De Vecchi, let alone my most sinful thoughts. “When you say everything…”
“That I still love you. That I’ve always loved you.”
I grimaced. “Bet he loved that.”
Rafael laced his fingers through mine. “He wasn’t all that surprised.”
“No?” I led him through the living space to the wide, U-shaped couch that faced my mammoth TV. “He seemed pretty confident about your needing to follow God the last time I spoke to him.”
“He mentioned that. But he also told me that he always knew there was affection between us.”
“Affection?”
Rafael nodded as I gestured for him to sit, and when he moved to the corner seat, I made sure to take the spot right beside him.
He grinned and arched a brow toward the rest of the enormous couch, but I shook my head.
“If you think for one second I’m moving over there, you’ve lost your mind,” I said.
“Not at all.” Rafael took my chin between his fingers and leaned in to brush a kiss across my lips. “I was just thinking how happy I am that you chose to sit so close. You’ve been too far for too long.”
“Not that far,” I said, glancing over at the window that overlooked the rectory, but Rafael cradled my cheek and turned me back to face him.
“It felt like worlds away to me.”
“Damn.” I bit into my lower lip, shaking my head. “When you say stuff like that to me, I feel like I’m fifteen all over again.”
“I won’t complain about that. I fell in love with that boy.”
My heart thundered as his eyes trailed down over my black shirt and jeans, his appreciative once-over a new development. The naked desire was something I’d seen the other night in the bedroom, but not out in the open like now, where it felt free and honest, unrestrained by vows and priesthood.
He was looking at me like he wanted me, and for the first time in a long time, he was allowed to.
“If you want to, um…” I swallowed, and Rafael smirked. “Are you laughing at me?”
“No.” But his grin grew wider.
“You are. You’re laughing at me.”
“No, it’s just…” He twirled a strand of my hair around his finger. “You’re really cute when you’re nervous.”
“I—”
Rafael’s brows rose as if he were daring me to deny it, and I clicked my mouth shut, because what could I say? I was nervous.
The man I’d loved my entire life, the man I never thought I had a hope in hell of calling my own because he’d made vows to Him, was sitting on my couch looking at me like I was his entire world.
But the pressure of that, of knowing what he’d given up, what he’d walked away from, made me fucking nervous.
So sue me.
I couldn’t stop from touching him then, needing reassurance he was really here. I’d dreamed of him for so long that this felt impossible. Rafael choosing me felt impossible.
I settled back against the plush cushion and reached up to run my fingers through his short hair. Trace the line of his jaw. Leaned in to kiss him softly before pulling back so I could look at him again.
A faint line formed between Rafael’s brows. “If this is too much, I can—”
“Don’t you fucking dare finish that sentence,” I said, cutting him off swiftly with another kiss. “I want you. So much I think I’d die if you—”
He covered my mouth with his hand and shook his head. “Don’t even think it.”
I searched his eyes, looking for any bit of doubt or regret or fear, anything that would tell me not to get my hopes up about this. But those grey-blue eyes were clear, a tranquil sea after a storm, and it eased the nerves in my stomach.
I kissed his palm that still covered my mouth, and then each of his fingers. I wanted to kiss each and every inch of him, and I would, but I still had to ask…
“What if you regret it?” I said, forcing myself to hold his gaze.
“What if you realize you made a mistake and that I piss you off on the regular? Or you hate the way I’m glued to a computer screen all the time, or how much I have to do with my brothers?
I know you don’t approve of the shit we get into at Libertine.
Do you really want to be with such a fucking delinquent? ”
Rafael listened, an almost-amused tilt to his lips, but he didn’t interrupt me. All those years of listening to confession after confession had given him more patience than I’d possessed my entire life.
Then again, I had waited for him, hadn’t I? That had to count for something.
“Are you done?” he asked.
“I’m sure I can think of a few hundred other reasons why this is a bad idea for you.”
He chuckled, a stark contrast to what I was feeling.
“I’m glad you find this hilarious.”
“That’s not what I was thinking.” He propped his arm on the cushion and rested his head on his fist, then laced our fingers together.
“Do you really believe there’s anything you could say or do that would make me love you any less?
I know who you are, Alessio, then and now.
And I don’t love you in spite of it—I love you because of it. ”
Oh fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck.
This was really happening.
Rafael was choosing me. He wanted a life with me. I wasn’t dreaming anymore, and the realization was so staggering that I couldn’t speak—a first for me, surely.
“If you’re worried about your brothers, well”—he lifted a shoulder—“I’m more than aware of the realities of what you do. I’ll never betray their confidence, nor will I judge them for their choices. Or yours. That’s not my place.”
“But you know what we’ve done.”
He nodded slowly. “I do.”
Rafael had heard their confessions for years, even when I’d abstained. He knew the lines we crossed, the ways we justified it. We’d taken lives. Every one of them I could count, and every one of them had deserved it, but they were still lives. It was still a line crossed one too many times.
It was the one piece of the puzzle I wasn’t sure fit, but if I had to choose, I would. My brothers meant everything to me, but Rafael was my world. It wasn’t even close.
“Is this something you…” I didn’t know how to phrase what I wanted to say. Wanted me to stop? Have a problem with?
Luckily, he knew where I was going with it, and he brushed his thumb against mine, a soothing motion, before he said, “I know what your brothers are capable of. I know what you’re capable of.”
“We don’t hurt people for the fun of it.”
“I know.”
“We protect. Dismantle corrupt systems. Fucked-up organizations. We intervene where we have to.”
“I know.”
“And sometimes”—I took in a deep breath, even though he already knew—“that means we get our hands dirty.”
Rafael nodded, still listening without judgment.
“I don’t expect you to condone everything, but I need you to understand something.”
“What’s that?”
“If someone comes for you, or my family?” My jaw clenched tight. “I won’t pray about it first.”
His eyes softened, and after a long moment, he nodded again. “You know I believe in mercy. I also believe in consequences. And I believe—I know—that you are not cruel. I don’t want to change who you are, Alessio. And I don’t want you to hide it from me either.”
It felt like I could breathe again. His easy acceptance, even though our lives were so different, was all I’d ever wanted, and I didn’t know how, after everything, I deserved it.
But I would take it. With greedy fucking hands, and I’d never let go.
I held his gaze as I leaned in slowly and grazed my lips over his. “You do realize this means you’re tied to us now.”
“I’ve been tied to you since before puberty. I think I can handle it.”
“I dunno. You’re stepping into a complicated life.”
“So are you.”
Shit, he was right. This wasn’t just his choosing me—it was our choosing each other and all that came with it. I hadn’t even stopped to ask him what that meant for him.
“So you just…left? What will you do n—”
His mouth crashing down on mine cut off my words, his fingers threading through my hair to rest at the nape of my neck. Angling his head to deepen the kiss, and making me forget any and every thought I had.
“Later,” he murmured as he kissed the corner of my mouth and nipped at my lower lip. “We’ll figure it out. But not tonight.”
“Not tonight,” I repeated, fingering the edge of his turtleneck before pulling away to stand up.
He blinked up at me, confused, until I held my hand out and inclined my head toward my bedroom.
“Come with me.”