Chapter Twenty Two
Sadie
Four Days Later
It’s been four days since I got Stacy murdered. Four days since I spoke. After we got into the car, I completely shut down. Everyone but Todd helped me get clean and dressed. They all took turns lying with me, so I wasn’t alone, but I was silent.
Todd was forced to stay here with everyone so we can all be together, but he’s not happy about it. He’s been snappy with everyone, but no one gets upset with him.
I still get up and do the things I need to do. I eat, bathe, and I’ve even done a bit of paperwork for the office. I am realizing that the world does not stop turning just because I am grieving, but that doesn’t mean I have to talk. I have no interest in saying anything.
I am devoid of tears now, so I don’t cry.
I haven’t since Todd ignored me in the car when I apologized.
He looked so fucking broken coming out of that cabin, and having him not acknowledge me confirmed that he blames me for her death.
He’s mad at me, and I don’t blame him. I avoid sitting near him, and he avoids looking at me.
Occasionally, he will say something that someone else sent him to say, but otherwise…
I’m doing exactly what she told me not to.
Stacy asked me to not push him away, and it’s the first fucking thing I did.
“Dinner is ready,” Todd says, stepping into the basement. I shut the treadmill off and nod. He watches me as I wipe the sweat from my face and grab my water.
I walk past him and go upstairs. Everyone turns and looks at me as I walk into the kitchen, but I ignore them and go to the master bedroom to rinse off in the shower. Once I am dressed again, I walk to the kitchen.
“Have a good run?” Lance asks, kissing me softly. I nod and go to walk into the dining room. I sigh when he grabs me and pulls me back to him. “You’ve got to talk at some point.”
“The quiet is nice though,” Jake teases. I turn and glare at him, and he chuckles. “What? It is nice.”
“She doesn’t have to talk,” Billy says. “Maybe she’s decided not to say anything unless it’s not bratty.”
“Oh, she’s mute forever,” Lance laughs.
“You’re a dick,” I say with a frown.
“There she is,” he says with a smile.
“I don’t understand why anyone gives a fuck if I talk or not,” I snap at him and pull away.
“Because we care, Sadie,” Dean says, gently pulling me to him.
“Yeah. Yeah. Everyone cares,” I scoff.
“What is that supposed to mean?” he asks.
“Don’t worry about it. It’s my problem,” I say. “Can we eat?”
“Yeah,” he sighs. I pull away from him and go to get food.
I sigh heavily when I see that they made lasagna. “Who cooked this?” I turn and ask everyone.
“Todd,” Mason says. “Why?”
“Why did you fix this?” I ask Todd.
“Because I wanted to,” he says bitterly. “If you don’t want it, don’t eat it.”
“No. Why did you make this?” I ask forcefully.
“What does it matter to you? You wouldn’t even fucking talk to anyone,” he snaps.
“Todd,” Jake says carefully.
“Let them,” Lance replies simply.
“Excuse the fuck out of me for being sad. Apparently, I didn’t get the goddamn memo that we’re supposed to be a fucking dickhead to everyone.”
“That’s real fucking rich coming from someone acting like a child right now,” he laughs dryly. “You have bitten the head off everyone you’ve spoken to in the last ten minutes. You’re sad. We get it.”
“Oh, fuck you,” I yell at him and throw my plate in the sink. When it shatters, the sound makes me flinch.
“See?” Todd says, pointing to the sink. “Maybe you should just go back to being mute so we can eat together in peace.”
“You don’t get to tell me how to grieve,” I scream at him. “I am the one who held her while she fucking died. I am the one who was covered in her blood.”
“I fucking get it, Sadie. I get it. She got kidnapped with you, and now she’s dead. Everyone is sad, and you’re being a bitch,” he yells at me. I go to shove him, but Mason loops his arm around my waist and pulls me away from him.
“You two need to figure your shit out,” Mason barks. “I don’t care if you have to fight it out or fuck it out, but you two are going to go in that goddamn room and talk.”
“No,” I scoff. “I think he’s said enough.”
“I’m not asking,” he says firmly. “Go or I’ll lock you two in the fucking basement together. You both know this is the last fucking thing she would want you to do. You didn’t even fucking look at one another at her funeral yesterday.”
“Fuck you,” I snap and push past him to go back to the bedroom. Todd is behind me, but I still slam the bedroom door in his face.
“Real fucking mature,” he scowls when he walks in and shuts the door behind him.
“I don’t want you here,” I say. “Just leave.”
“No. We are going to talk about this,” he says sternly.
“We are not doing shit. You are going to shut the fuck up and leave me alone,” I say, raising my voice.
“Oh, are you going to make me?” he challenges. I roll my eyes at him and turn to walk to the bathroom. He grabs me by the arm and pulls me back, so I shove him.
“Don’t fucking touch me and act like you give a fuck,” I scream.
“What the fuck are you talking about?” he asks.
“Don’t blow smoke up my ass, Todd. You and I both know what you’re thinking, so just fucking say it.”
“Say what? Have you lost your mind?” he asks, frowning.
“Don’t play stupid. Fucking say it,” I demand, shoving him again.
“Say what?” he asks. “If you think you know so much, tell me what it is that I’m thinking.
“That it’s my fault,” I scream, my voice breaking as tears start falling down my face. “She’s dead because of me.”
“Sadie,” he says, softening. He takes a step toward me, but I shove him away.
“She asked me not to push you away. She said you’d need me, but it’s the first fucking thing that I did. It’s the first thing that you did. You have every right to hate me, and I can’t do anything about it. I can’t do anything but just sit here and hurt.”
“Sadie, I don’t hate you,” he says calmly. I am backing away from him as he steps closer, but I back myself into a corner.
“I can see it all over your fucking face. It’s like every time you look at me, you see your dead girlfriend. The woman I know you had a fucking ring for.”
“Sadie,” he repeats, putting his hands on my waist to hold me in place. “I don’t hate you.”
“You should! I killed her, Todd. I fucking killed my best friend, and I can’t fix it. I can’t make you feel better,” I yell again, crying harder. “I just want her back. I wanted to save her… but she gave up. She was so weak and… and tired. She just wanted to sleep.”
Todd pulls me to his chest and crushes me in a hug, keeping me from falling apart. “It’s not your fault, Sadie,” he says softly. “Yes, I’m sad… but it’s not your fault. You didn’t kill Stacy.”
“Why does it feel like I did then?” I ask tearfully, pulling away to wipe my face. “She told me it was okay… She was so calm and accepting of death… I just wanted to save her.”
“I know you did, baby. I know,” he says softly.
“I told her you’d hate me, but she said you love me. I wanted to believe her, but you ignored me in the car when I apologized.”
“Sadie,” he sighs. “I’m stuck between being sad that she’s gone and relieved that you are alive. I feel bad for being happy, but I feel stupid for being sad. Why should I grieve her when I’m in love with you? How is that fair to her?”
“You can love more than one person,” I say, sniffing back my tears.
“I’m afraid that her loss will pull you and me apart, and the more I try to prevent that, the more I seem to fuck it up,” he says.
“She saved you, but it got her killed. I don’t know how to process that while comforting you the way I want to.
So… I just pushed everyone away. I’m sorry I made you feel like I was upset with you. ”
“I don’t want to lose you,” I say, wiping my face yet again. “I love you, and I didn’t realize that until she was dying.”
“You love me?” he asks, cupping my face.
“I do,” I say with a nod. “I guess I just kept finding fault in my feelings, so I ignored them. I was raised to believe people like me burn in Hell… So, feeling this strongly about all of you is confusing. I love Billy, Del, Ben, and Jake… but I’m in love with you.
I’m in love with Mason, Dean, and Lance.
I don’t know how to handle that, so it just piled into the rest of my shit. ”
“Do you enjoy being a whore?” he asks.
“What do you mean?”
“Do you enjoy the life you live with us? Are you happy with us?”
“I am. All of you bring me so much happiness,” I say.
“Even with Stacy’s death, everyone has been so supportive and patient with me.
That day in the cabin with everyone… I am so happy that I got to experience that with her.
Maybe that’s a weird thing to be thankful for, but she is like my sister.
She was so much more than just my best friend.
I feel like I lost part of myself with her in that cabin. ”
“Stacy is in all of us, Sadie. There is nothing wrong with finding comfort in our company.”
“That kinda sounds like a pegging joke,” I say.
“I love you, but get your mind off pegging,” he laughs.
“Why? It could be therapeutic,” I joke.
Todd smiles and shakes his head before hugging me. “We are going to be okay.”
“I just need to clear my head. I promised her that I would live for her, and I want to do that. I want to let myself be happy that I’m alive and be grateful that she saved my life without the guilt.”
“So, what you’re saying is you need to get out of your head?” he asks with a smirk.
“Don’t tempt me, Todd. I could go for a good blackout nap,” I laugh. Todd grins deviously as he moves me to sit on the bed. “What are you doing?”
“Stay,” he says simply before leaving the room. I sigh and lie back on the bed to close my eyes.