Chapter 17 Chanel
I stretched and yawned as the sun hit me in the face through a little slit in the blackout curtains.
I recalled that Ashton had come in here with me during the night, because I had a bad dream.
He had sexed my body so thoroughly and deeply that every need I wanted satiated had been completely taken care of.
When I looked at the foot of the bed, Titan lay there faithfully on the floor.
I smirked. Ashton must have let him back inside at some point during the night, because he had kicked him out last night.
He must have also been the one to peer out the curtains, because they had been completely closed when I went to bed last night.
“Hey, boy.” I greeted Titan sleepily as I climbed out of bed. My vagina, while not exactly sore, did feel as if it had been worked over. I walked into the bathroom. “Not now. I’ll be out in a minute,” I stated and closed the door on the intrusive, nosy Titan.
Adjusting the shower temperature, I thought about Ashton. I felt bad, because he had been very clear in the beginning that he was married. While he wasn’t anymore, it hadn’t even been a good two weeks since he’d been divorced, and I had instantly used an emotional situation to jump the man’s bones.
I wasn’t trying to take advantage of him, but I could see how it might look that way. That was probably why he wasn’t in the bed with me this morning. I knew that he had stayed most of the night because I recalled how good his arms felt around me.
There had been one point when I needed to get up to pee, and he had tightened his grip around me. I had to pry myself from his arms, kiss his lips, and promise that I would be right back before he released me.
That was odd, because I didn’t spend the night with men, and they didn’t spend the night with me.
I had kicked Collier out of the house and sent him back home, no matter how late it was.
Feeling a man holding me in his arms had become such a strange anomaly, I wasn’t sure what to make of allowing Ashton to do it.
The last man who held me through the night had been my husband.
There was something intimately familiar and personal about that gesture that I couldn’t allow myself to share that experience with another man.
I didn’t want to become attached to anyone.
I was afraid that I might break their heart when they learned the truth about me.
It was bad enough that I had gone through it with Darius; I definitely couldn’t do it with another man—and yet, here I was.
When I finished showering and dressing, I went off in search of Ashton, following Titan’s lead. He immediately knew where his owner was as he led me past the kitchen.
“Wait, Titan,” I called out, thinking that Ashton might be in there. He wasn’t in the kitchen or the breakfast room, but there were pancakes, bacon, and scrambled eggs waiting there for me.
Before I ate, I needed to speak with him, so I resumed following Titan’s lead, who led me to the heated indoor pool. Ashton was so deep into swimming laps that he didn’t notice Titan’s or my presence until after he had swum a few laps.
When he finally noticed me, he climbed out of the pool and came over.
“Hey, Chanel.”
“Good morning, Ashton.”
“Listen, I want to apologize for taking advantage of you last night. I came in there to check on you after I heard Titan whimpering. You looked asleep, so I turned to leave, but then you started whimpering, and I realized you were having a bad dream. That’s when I realized he was mimicking you.”
I smiled at Titan and rubbed his head. “You’re such a good boy, Titan.
Thanks for protecting me, baby.” I looked at Ashton again.
“You didn’t take advantage of me, Ashton.
I came to apologize to you for the same reason.
You were very clear on your feelings about becoming involved with anyone.
Your divorce is brand-new, and I . . .well, I have no excuse except that I wanted you, and nothing else mattered last night.
I’m sorry. But it wasn’t you who took advantage of me.
It was the other way around. I promise that nothing like that will happen again. I’m sorry.”
Ashton reached out and moved a strand of hair from my forehead before he asked, “What if I wanted it to happen again?”
I shivered at his touch and replied, “You’re just emotional right now. There’s a lot going on. You don’t mean that.”
“I do.”
“This could be very bad, Ash. This would only confirm what the people already think.”
He brushed the backs of his fingers across my cheek.
“I don’t give a damn what they think. I’ve come to respect you in a way that I haven’t respected a woman in a long time.
When I look around at all the players in this, you’re the only one who’s had my back through this thing and upheld my wishes, even if it didn’t make sense.
” His long fingers gripped the front of my neck as he swept his lips over mine.
Despite the words I had spoken, my body issued a different command. I opened my mouth to him, inviting his tongue inside. I moaned underneath his aggressive touch.
Ashton pulled back and rested his forehead against mine. A soft smile lingered on his full lips.
My racing heart slowed down just a little, and the tension I had previously felt dissipated.
“I thought you were upset. The way that you were out here swimming, I could have sworn you were mad about what happened.”
He shook his head. “The only thing I was mad at was about not using protection last night. I’m a protector, Chanel.
It’s in my nature. I failed to protect you when I took you like some wild dog who couldn’t control his desire.
Got me out here chasing after you, like you’re some bitch in heat, and I’m a male dog marking his territory. ”
I giggled. “You have shown some aggressive behavior, a little obsession with me, and definitely restlessness.”
“I’m serious,” he replied.
I knew that his concern stemmed from more than one thing, and I needed to tell him the truth. But instead, I frowned and asked, “Have you been with more than just your wife? I mean, she did have sex with others, so she could have exposed you as well.”
“Nah. I told you we haven’t had sex in a long time. I’m not worried about anything that she might have. Even when I was still involved with her, I took precaution, and I also took tests. I’m clean.”
The hurt in his voice was as clear as a bright, sunny day. “I don’t mean to pry, but my curiosity is getting the best of me. How long has it been since you’ve been with your wife?”
“Thirteen months.”
“You haven’t had sex in thirteen months?” I asked in disbelief.
“No, I haven’t.”
“I don’t know what to say.”
“Please don’t worry about me not protecting you. I didn’t even raw dog my wife. Not sure why I felt comfortable doing that shit with you, because I’ve never done that with any woman except my wife, and not even her in the last five years.”
“Then why are you worried about protection?”
“Don’t want to get you pregnant. Unless of course you’re on birth control—or maybe I should be the one worried about protecting myself?”
I dragged my hand down my neck and shook my head. “No. I’m fine. No diseases, no unprotected sex, and no birth control.”
“I can get a Plan B pill for you.”
“No need.” My voice hitched on that answer, and as much as I wanted to disappear, I knew it was time to tell him the truth.
He frowned, and I inhaled deeply, bit my bottom lip, and swallowed the tears. “Don’t know why I’m telling you when I haven’t told a single soul other than my husband, not my parents, my cousin, or my best friend.”
Ashton gripped my chin and gently lifted it before he wiped my tears. His voice was thick with emotion and compassion when he declared, “Because I’m a trustworthy nigga.”
“I cannot have children, Ashton. It’s the reason Darius, my ex-husband, divorced me.”
“The fuck! That bitch nigga divorced you because you couldn’t have kids rather than stand by your side? All the technology they got out here, as many options that are available to families now, that pussy nigga would rather walk his punk ass out the door than have your back?” Ashton snapped.
“Calm down, Ash. It’s been two years since our divorce. It’s over.”
“That shit’s not right. He had the nerve to call you when all this shit started going down?”
I nodded.
“Do you know why you can’t have children, or is it him, and his punk ass was too afraid to find out?”
“No, it was me. I had cancer as a teenager, and the cancer and treatments left me infertile. I told him about the cancer, but I never knew about my infertility until after we had been trying for a while. Unfortunately, Darius didn’t believe me, and he accused me of duping him into a marriage under false pretenses.
I never did that, and I never could do that.
It’s the reason why I don’t want a serious relationship, because I never want to hurt or deprive a man of a future.
I never knew that I couldn’t have kids until I was tested. ”
“What about surrogacy and adoption? Y’all weren’t open to those options?”
“Darius was never open to it. I would have been in time, and I told him that.”
“Then that’s that nigga’s loss. I don’t want you feeling no type of way about that shit, and as far as relationships are concerned and depriving anyone of anything, the worst thing that you could do is deprive a man of your love and affection. You’re perfect just the way you are, Chanel. Come on.”
“Where are we going?” I asked when he took my hand and led me out of the pool area. He dripped water along the floors as we stepped into the main hallway.
“Back to the kitchen where we can fix our plates and eat. You and I have a lot to talk about.”
“Like?”
“Like what we’re going to do about these rumors, what we’re going to do about this stalking situation, what we’re going to do about what happened last night, and what we’re going to do about our feelings.”
“There’s nothing we can do about the rumors other than to let them die down or address them.
Either way, it’s going to be painful, Ashton.
To address them means telling the truth about Muffin and her cheating on you.
What worries me about that, is that it will look like you’re creating allegations to paint yourself in a different light or to excuse your behaviors. ”
“I’m not worried about that shit.”
“Well, I am, because what’s the point of addressing them if they’re not going to help, but make matters worse?
The stalker issue is being handled. We can’t do anything about that but be safe and pray they will catch the person soon.
As it relates to what happened last night, it was a one-off.
We were emotional, horny, and we were there for each other’s needs, nothing less or more and—”
“Don’t do that shit, Chanel.”
“Do what, Ashton?”
“Objectify me or you. It was more than that, and you know it. I’m calling you on that bullshit because what I realize is that you’ve been feeling a brother for a minute. I may have friend-zoned you in the beginning, but I was going through a divorce.”
“And you’ve just finalized one. Too soon.”
“I may have just finalized it, but I’ve been single for a while. My emotions were not involved in my marriage for years, but I vowed to respect her as long as she was my wife, and that shit didn’t matter if it was in name only. I fucked up one time. I wasn’t about to keep doing that shit.”
“What makes it any different with me?”
“I respected you. I would never put you in a category of a one-night stand or a jump-off, Chanel.”
I was grateful that he felt that way because I had worked hard to build a name for myself in the industry. While I was willing to verbally disregard last night as a one-off, I didn’t feel that way in my heart.
“Okay.”
“Okay, what?”
“I won’t do it again.”
“Not even sure why you did it in the first place.”
“Because I have taken the ultimate rejection in my life, and I don’t do well with it. It’s easier for me to reject someone than be rejected.”
He pushed his plate aside and leaned forward. “And you thought I was going to do that to you?”
“I wasn’t sure.”
“You’ve been around me long enough to know me a little better than that by now.”
“I would like to think that, but you never know.”
“Listen, I get that you’ve been hurt, so have I. But I’m not here to do that to you. I mean, I’m not trying to walk down the aisle and give you my last name tomorrow or shit, but I do want to know that I mean something to you more than just a good fuck.”
“Oh, you thought you were good, sir?”
“I mean, damn, I’m not conceited or shit, but I know I’m not subpar either. Matter of fact, since we’re on the subject, I’m better than good. I’m the muthafuckin’ shit, the P-I-M-P, the damn sexual don.”
“Oh, well, okay then. I’m so glad you’re so sure of yourself.”
He chuckled and shook his head before he cut a piece of pancake and forked it. “You are too, baby girl. That’s the only reason your little ass came running and looking for me this morning. You had to check the temperature.”
I giggled and shook my head. “Okay, you are.”
“And so are you, baby girl. Damn good. But back to what I was saying, now that we know we’re the shit. About our feelings. I can’t lie, I’m feeling you, but I get needing to take it slow, and I’d like to go there if you would.”
“I definitely want to go there with you, Ashton.”
He winked, leaned over the table, and kissed my lips. When he sat back, I had the satisfaction of licking the blueberry flavored syrup off my lips.