Twelve
TWELVE
Noble
D ad’s eyes finally fluttered open.
“Oh! Gerald, baby!” His wife, Tanya, ran to his bedside and gently took his hand in hers. She kissed his forehead.
Dad lifted his head off the pillow, focused on Tanya, and squinted. Swiveling his neck left to right, he settled his gaze on the IV, ogling the tubes leading from his forearm to the bag of liquid hanging on the metal stand. His eyes narrowed a bit and then landed back on Tanya.
“Honey!” Tanya’s words rushed out of her. She blinked back tears. “You passed out. I had to call the ambulance.”
The way she said had made me think he would have objected had he known she was calling them.
Dad dragged in a shaky breath and laid his head back on the pillow.
“Noble is here,” she whispered but somehow managed to sound cheerful.
That made me wonder how he felt about my being here. Still, I had to come. Dad’s brows furrowed. He lifted his head again and winced. I stepped closer to his bedside. My father nodded and then turned away. Every muscle in my body tightened. Did he not want me here? Regret formed a tight knot in my stomach. Why had I come?
“Let me give you two a moment,” Tanya said and left the room before I could protest. I’d rather be the one leaving.
While my father avoided eye contact with me, I focused on his limp body lying in the bed. It seemed to swallow him up, and my anger subsided. He must have shed thirty pounds since I’d seen him last. His once-smooth caramel skin had lost its glow and now clung tightly to his high cheekbones, making him look gaunt. His formerly strong jawline, which deemed him handsome, now jutted out like a caricature.
The man I remembered was tall, sturdy, and good-looking. Women forgot their manners around him. And one day, he forgot he was married. That’s how he ended up with Tanya. My mother had had enough and sent him and ten garbage bags full of clothes back to “the whore he’d come home smelling like.” After my mother passed, I expected to have my father back, but that didn’t happen. The bottle won his attention, leaving Tanya and me in the shadows.
This frail remnant of my dad pulled on the heartstrings of the little boy who longed for his attention. The one who wanted to make him proud. The one who saw him as a hero no matter how long his absences spanned, until he just didn’t come back anymore. Maybe it was time to lay down my grudge. I wasn’t that little kid anymore. I was a grown man who understood that people made mistakes that were hard to come back from. They pushed people aside in search of things that could never give them what those same people offered willingly. People like me. Seeing my father this fragile allowed me to see all of his vulnerabilities.
I realized I didn’t even know what was wrong with my father. Though we spoke occasionally, he never mentioned being ill. Had drinking finally gotten the best of him?
The weight of our estranged relationship settled in the room like thick smoke.
“Hey.” I finally spoke.
He still didn’t look at me. “I called you,” he rumbled in a low croak and cleared his throat.
“I know.” Guilt blossomed in my chest. I bit the inside of my lip and swallowed the lump budding in my throat.
“Lost your job, huh?” It didn’t sound like a question. He still didn’t look at me.
I didn’t need my father, of all people, making me feel worse about my situation. “Yeah.”
“That’s too bad.”
“What happened to you?” I asked.
“Just some stomach issues,” he said, finally turning toward me with glassy eyes.
“Looks like more than stomach issues.” Or is it because your stomach was full of liquor?
“Yeah. It’s no big deal. I don’t know why Tanya called the ambulance or bothered to call you. If you had called me back…” Dad looked hard at me. Several fleeting emotions flashed in his eyes before he turned away again. Regret flashed brighter than the rest, and I wished I had answered those calls.
Standing straighter, I said, “I’ve just been busy.”
“Yeah. I know. Like always.”
My teeth clenched. This is why I didn’t want to talk to him. His words always felt like digs, as if I was the one who broke up our family. I pulled my bottom lip in and gnawed on it, trying to be careful about my words. “I run a company,” I said, as if he needed reminding. Ran a company. I chose to stand down. Keep the peace for now. “What made you call?”
“Saw the news and thought I should check on you. Losing a job never feels good.”
“Thanks.” My clenched jaw loosened. Maybe he wasn’t judging me.
“I’m fine now. You can go back to your busy life.”
Both hands balled into fists. I bit back the response, choosing not to go down this road with him, and trying to see this for what it was. Dad didn’t want me to see him as weak. He never was good at managing his emotions. Regardless, I was pissed at putting myself in a position to be insulted by him once again.
I now knew why he called, and why he was in the hospital. What else were we supposed to talk about? How many insults would it take before I walked out the door? I hated that our communications were so strained. I watched his chest rise and fall and listened to the low whistling of his labored breathing, and it reminded me that I no longer had a mother and could eventually be fatherless too.
He was difficult, but all I had. I was used to being alone, but as long as he was around, I wasn’t by myself in this world. The thought of being entirely alone without him seemed all-consuming, and the timing couldn’t be worse. How could I stand to have anything else taken away from me?
I pulled my bottom lip in and held it between my teeth. My chest tightened, and I felt myself begin to unravel.
Tanya peeked her head in the door just in time. I pulled myself together. Despite how I felt about their relationship, I could tell she was scared by the knit of her brow and the look on her face. I felt bad for her.
Tanya entered the room slowly, curling herself around the door and then gently pushing it closed.
I looked at my dad with his eyes set on the nothingness of the stark white walls on the opposite side of the room. Then I looked at Tanya, who seemed to be on the verge of tears again.
My chest tightened. The muscles in my shoulders, neck, and back were rocks under my skin. Suddenly I needed more air than the room allowed.
“Thanks for calling me, Tanya. Please keep me posted.” I left.
I heard Tanya call my name and stopped just outside the hospital room door. Stepping out, she closed the door behind her.
“Your father misses you.”
I stuffed my hands in my pants pockets. “It’s hard to tell.”
“It’s why he drinks so much. Much worse than he used to, and now it’s affecting his health. Ruined his stomach and esophagus.” She paused a moment and placed a hand on my shoulder. “Noble, I know this isn’t easy and he won’t tell you himself, but he loves and needs you.”
My teeth gritted involuntarily. I could believe that when he said it out of his own mouth.
I walked away, leaving Tanya where she stood, not stopping until I was out of the hospital and several blocks away. I coughed out the breath that was causing my chest to hurt, pulled out my cell phone, and paced with a slew of emotions stirring in my heart. Instead of going home, I drove to a bar a few blocks from my house.
I didn’t want a drink. Seeing my dad in that condition made me not want to drink ever again, but I needed a place to go besides home. A place that didn’t remind me of everything that I faced. Hours later, I’d drank them out of ginger ale and decided it was time to go home.
“Hey.” Holland’s soft voice was an instant salve and felt like a warm caress. Sitting on her stoop, she glowed even in a scarf, tank top, and sweatpants.
“Hey,” I said back. I tried not to sound conflicted. “You’re out late.” I checked the time. It was almost midnight.
“Yeah.”
“Want some company?” I wanted to be with her more than sitting at home alone.
“Sure.” She inched over and patted the space beside her. “Come on,” she said with a smile. “Heck of a day today.” She sighed. “I couldn’t sleep, so I came out here to look at the stars.”
“Wanna talk about it?” I asked, figuring listening to her woes could help me temporarily forget about mine.
Holland dragged in a deep breath and released it with a groan. “How…” She twisted her lips and tried again. “I just…” Holland looked up at the sky and then directly at me. “How do I find myself, when all I seem to come up with are more questions about my life?”
“I get that.” How could I possibly help her when I had the same questions?
“I came here to settle my aunt’s estate, sell her house, and return to the new life I finally had enough courage to start. I’m supposed to be on my journey of self-discovery. Humph.” Holland threw up her hands and let them fall limply back to her lap. “This is the craziest detour. I’m getting answers to questions I didn’t ask and discovering questions I never imagined needing answers to.”
“That’s deep, but I feel that.”
“I’m…” Holland seemed to search for the right word. “Conflicted.”
“Why?”
She stood and hugged herself as she paced the walkway in front of the stoop. Her skin glistened from the leftover heat of the day still clinging to the night.
“I’m starting to feel…connected here…to my past…to this house,” Holland said, as if she was searching for the right words. “Living in New York had never crossed my mind.” She shrugged. “I’m not sure I want to leave now.”
“Then stay,” I said before thinking about it. “Or at least keep the house. You can visit when you want. Maybe rent it out.” The words tumbled out before I could rein them in. I felt less alone when she was around and wanted her to stay.
“I can’t.” Holland looked at the sky and huffed, and then turned to me and smiled. “How was your day?”
I told Holland about my father. Her hands flew to her mouth.
“I’m so sorry. Here I am, dumping my issues on you, and your dad is in the hospital. Is he okay?”
“I hope so,” I said, and I meant it.
“Aw. It’s my turn to be there for you.”
Holland came to me with her arms open. I stood, stepped into her embrace, and wrapped my arms around her. She felt so good in my arms, I didn’t want the hug to end. Warmth permeated every part of me. I wondered if she felt it. Her hands rubbing up and down my back felt more sensual than comforting. My imagination fed me the kind of touch I desired from her.
I felt like I’d been unraveling since I stood beside my father’s hospital bed. One touch from Holland put me back together again. I looked into her soft eyes and then down at her full, beautiful lips and wanted to kiss them so badly. Holland looked up at me. Desire flashed in her eyes. Her gaze slid down to my lips and back to my eyes again.
I leaned forward and paused, waiting for her invitation. Holland tilted her chin toward me. I leaned in, stopping a hair’s breadth from her plump lips. I didn’t want to misread her. My intentions were clear. She’d make the final decision. Still standing in my embrace, her body was close enough for me to feel the heat enveloping her. My hands found the small of her back and I wondered if she could feel the feverish heat emanating from my palms, ready to burst into flames.
Holland leaned closer, eliminating the distance between us. She slid her tongue between my lips. Opened herself up to me. Everything felt right until the kiss grew urgent, then it burned so good. Holland’s hands roamed my back and chest. I loved the way she touched me. Hungry for more, I drew closer. We peeled ourselves away from one another long enough to catch our breath. The break was brief. We went back for more, kept kissing, kept tasting each other over and over again, until we heard someone whistle.
Holland and I looked at each other and dissolved into laughter. Desire hung heavy in the space around us.
Still giggling, Holland stepped back, putting distance between us. She shrugged her shoulders, looking embarrassed. “I forgot we were outside.”
I wanted her to invite me inside. “It’s okay. We’re grown. We can kiss where we want.” I caressed Holland’s kiss-swollen lips with my thumb.
Holland laughed and stepped back again, putting more distance between us. “Yeah, but maybe we shouldn’t be putting on a show for the neighbors.” She looked around for more prying eyes.
“You’ve got a point there.” I wagged my finger playfully.
We stood melting in hot desire.
“Um. I guess I should go inside and try to get some sleep.” She giggled again.
Invite me in. “Yeah. You should.”
Neither of us moved.
Her hands were in mine. It felt natural like they belonged there. She looked down, slowly removed her hands, and hugged herself again.
“I guess, I’ll see you…” Holland paused pensively.
“In the morning? Breakfast again? I can make sure you have fuel for all the work you need to get done,” I offered.
“Sounds nice.” She licked her lips. Maybe it was voluntarily, maybe not. Either way, it lit a new fire in my groin. “This has been a long day,” she said as I watched each word fall from her pretty lips.
“Yeah.”
“Yeah,” Holland repeated and cleared her throat.
Holland backed up toward the stoop but kept her eyes on me. She smiled before turning around, traipsing up the steps, and disappearing through the carved wood door.
I waited until the locks clicked and the living room light went out. Then I went home and showered. I lay in bed, hand in my boxers, stroking away the desire, running my tongue across my lips, remembering the taste of her—sugar and chamomile.