Chapter 21 #3
I gingerly lower myself next to him. The heat of the sun and the warmth radiating from the stones settles my goosebumps.
“What are those?” I turn my head to find Callum studying my dog tags on the chain around my neck.
He reaches out, and for a second, I think he’s going to touch me. My breath hitches because I don’t know if I’ll be able to withstand Callum touching me without toppling.
But his hand hovers a few centimeters from my skin before retreating. My chest tingles like he did brush my body, and I have to fight to pull my attention back to answering his question.
“They’re my great-grandfather’s dog tags from the First World War.”
Callum squints. “Why are there extra holes in them?”
I find myself fingering the smooth metal of the dog tags.
The metal feels cool against my skin, like it’s absorbed some of the cold of the river.
“The story goes that when my grandad was a child, he misunderstood the term dog tags and wanted to wear them as a dog collar. My great-grandfather punched an extra hole into the bottom of them so he could play with them.”
Personally, I like that story. I like how the dog tags I wear are not only a symbol of wartime bravery but of fatherly love. And while I never had a father, I had a grandad prepared to love me as ferociously as if he were my father.
Callum’s family passes down crowns and titles. My family passes down dog tags.
Callum settles back in the sun. “I watched a really interesting documentary on dog tags once.”
“Tell me about it,” I say.
So Callum tells me more about the history of dog tags, and then our conversation melts into a discussion of Balmoral and the Scottish highlands.
“Did you know there are five rivers with the name Dee in the British Isles?” he asks me.
“Really?””
“Dee comes from the Roman word Diva, which means goddess. I guess it’s not surprising they’d name rivers after a goddess.”
“That’s really interesting,” I say.
He turns his head to face me, giving me a genuine, happy smile. It’s like sunshine, lighting up his whole face.
Oh, holy fuck.
The realization strikes me like one of the surrounding mountains has just fallen down on me.
I’m in love with him.
Every moment, every interaction between us, has been an exercise of falling in love with him.
I’ve fallen in love with every part of him. His sense of humor, his random observations, his intense obsessions with different topics, his underlying fundamental kindness.
I love every single thing about Callum Prescott. Everything.
Bloody hell.
I sit up abruptly. “We ought to head back.”
Callum blinks, looking dazed.
“Okay.”
The trip back is unbearable.
I drive, but Callum is so close to me. Knowing I could pull over on one of these deserted lanes amid the majestic beauty of the Scottish highlands and kiss the man I’ve fallen in love with is a special kind of torture.
But if I did that, where would we be? What would happen next?
I grip the steering wheel so tightly that my hand trembles.
Callum picks up on my tension and is silent. The silence between us feels so unnatural, like a desert without sand, unnerving and empty.
I pull into the castle grounds and park the Land Rover, aware I’m breathing slightly heavier than driving would normally warrant.
“We ought to get this gear back,” I say without looking at Callum.
Bruce comes out to help us unpack the fishing gear, and I continue to avoid looking at Callum.
“See you later,” I mutter once all the gear has been unpacked. I escape into the castle, clattering up the stairs towards my room.
It’s only when I’m near the door to my room that I realize Callum has followed me.
“Oliver.” And there’s something about the way Callum says my name that makes me turn around quickly.
He bites his lip and looks at his feet.
But when he looks back up, there’s so much determination in his eyes that I take a step back. I don’t think I can handle truths from Callum right now.
“I’ve never felt like this about anyone,” he says, and sure enough, my heart breaks at his words because the knowledge he feels the same way makes everything so, so much worse.
Unrequited love, I can deal with.
But love when I know he feels something similar? That it’s simply our circumstances keeping us apart?
My wheedling, strategic brain will spend eternity rattling against the walls of this cage I’m trapped in, trying to figure out how to escape. Trying to figure out a way I can be with Callum.
But there is no way.
He is the future king. I’m the prime minister.
There is no future for us. There can never be a future.
I need to leave before I say or do something stupid.
I abruptly turn back towards the door. “Nothing has changed, Callum.” I can only hope he hears the regret in my voice.
It feels like I’m walking through treacle, moving away from the one thing I want the most.
“That night in Essex…” Callum says.
I stop at the door, take a deep breath, then turn to face him. “What about it?”
He rubs the back of his neck. “Do you ever…do you ever think about it?”
The vulnerability in Callum’s eyes draws the truth out of me with a force I can’t control.
“I can never stop thinking about it,” I say quietly.