Chapter 49
Chapter Forty-Nine
Harry
The crunch of gravel beneath the car’s tires is muffled by the freshly fallen snow as we wind our way up the long driveway. As the car rounds the final bend, Ashbury Hall comes into view, its grand facade illuminated by the warm glow of the lights within.
I found myself desperately in need of respite from London, from the incessant reminders of the looming election and the forces gathering to cement a future that increasingly feels more akin to a prison sentence than a path to happiness.
So I decided to come here.
I climb out of the car, and the cold hits me as I look up at the house.
This is the place where I was born, where I spent my childhood, where I moved into when I married.
My wife is inside.
How is it, then, that it no longer feels like home?
But what is home to me now? A cabin in the Finnish wilderness that burned to the ground?
I swallow down the lump in my throat as the truth strikes me.
Toby. He’s my home.
“Harry!” The door opens, and the warm light from inside and Prunella spill out onto the doorstep. “I wasn’t expecting you.”
“Sorry, I just needed to get away from London for the night.”
Her expression softens. “You don’t need an excuse to come home.”
Home. There’s that word again.
Without Toby, am I destined to spend the remainder of my days feeling as though I am homeless?
“Come in. I gave Cheryl the night off, so I’ve just made myself some eggs on toast. Do you want some?”
“That would be marvelous, thank you.”
I follow Prunella into the kitchen. The room is bathed in soft, warm light, reflecting off the polished surfaces of the cherry wood floors and the hand-painted Italian tiles that adorn the backsplash. I can’t help thinking about the stark contrast between this and the rustic space of the cabin.
Prunella bustles around the kitchen, scrambling eggs.
I sit at the table and watch her as she cooks and chats with me about the charity function she was at this afternoon.
She has been a dear friend for so long, yet I still find myself yearning for Toby’s presence. To have him in the room with us, contributing to the conversation.
He’s such an integral part of me now that I can’t fathom I will ever feel like something isn’t missing.
“Are you going to tell me what’s up, Harry?” she asks softly as she sets the plate in front of me.
To avoid answering her, I take a small bite of the eggs. But they’re chalky in my mouth as I chew, which I know has nothing to do with the quality of Prunella’s cooking. I finally force myself to swallow, then look up to find Prunella watching me, her eyes soft and patient.
“All I wanted when I was out in the wilderness was to come home…” My breath is ragged as I stare at the pristine English oak table. “And now…now all I want is to be back there with him.”
In the silence that falls between us, I hear the carriage clock ticking. It was a gift to my grandfather from his constituents, a token of their appreciation for his tireless work on their behalf.
To what extent should we be beholden to our history? Should the choices of our family members in the past determine our future going forward?
The weight of my family history, which I’ve always been so proud of, now feels like it will suffocate me.
“Harry, we always said when this wasn’t working anymore for either of us, we’d walk away,” Prunella says gently.
My head snaps up to look at her. “You want to end our marriage? Now?”
There’s nothing but kindness in her gaze.
“You’ve been the most amazing husband I could have ever imagined,” she says, reaching across the table, her hand covering mine.
“But this isn’t fair to you anymore. It was fine when you were prepared to shut away that side of yourself, but not now. Not when you’ve fallen in love.”
I look away, out through the window, where there is nothing but blackness.
I can’t deny her words.
I’ve fallen in love.
Toby and I didn’t merely fall in love. We fell into a profound, unfathomable love, the kind of love where your souls mesh together and trying to separate them will permanently wound you.
I’ve never told him I feel like this.
Telling him I love him will only make this impossible situation even worse.
I try to swallow the lump in my throat, but it’s too large.
“When I went to pick you up from the hospital, you were so…happy. You were thin and scratched up and looked absolutely terrible, yet when the two of you interacted, you were the happiest I’ve ever seen you,” Prunella says, her voice gentle.
“I want that for you, Harry. I want you to have that kind of happiness all the time.”
“But I can’t be with him.”
“Why the everlasting hell not?”
Her words echo in my head.
Things were so simple in the wilderness. Life boiled down to the basics, and there wasn’t room for anything else.
Is it truly so simple now we’ve returned to civilization? Somewhere to live, something to do, something to hope for, someone to love.
My father warned me not to make the same mistake he made. I have the feeling I am, just not the mistake he believes he made.
I imagine the rest of my life spooling out without Toby. I’ll most likely become the prime minister. My name will be forever etched into the annals of this great nation.
But I’ll never again get to hear his laugh. I’ll never get to kiss him.
Is any reward worth such a price?