23. Celia
Chapter twenty-three
Celia
W hile getting ready for work this morning, I resolved that no matter how I felt about Anton, I would continue to be an exemplary colleague. It’d been more than two weeks since I encountered him in the print room, yet each time I turned a corner at work, I felt the same throb in my chest, as if my heart anticipated meeting him again.
I found myself jumpy; my emotions shouldn’t jeopardize my job or any other aspects of my life. My colleagues depended on me. Also, my relationship with Maddison had suffered due to my romantic entanglements. She had been very supportive, but I hadn’t returned that support as a friend should. Since moving to New York, it seemed all our conversations had revolved around my issues.
I recalled the rules I had set on my first day at the firm. The second one was: Avoid him like the plague . That rule had quickly fallen by the wayside, along with rule number three: Stop thinking about your new boss . But starting today, I was determined to reinstate both. I would stop seeking out his presence, which only triggered confusing feelings, including anger at myself for ignoring my common sense.
So, it was with a newly determined step that I left home.
To my dismay, when I reached the firm, Anton was standing in front of my desk, waiting for me. All the resolutions I made a few minutes earlier started to chip away. I was acutely aware of his broad shoulders and chiseled jaw, and my heart began cadencing.
Why did I have so little self-control over my emotions around him?
I had to hold myself back from giving in to the impulse to hug him.
“Hey,” he muttered, his expression curiously blank.
Ouch. I hadn’t realized how much his indifferent tone would sting.
“Hey. Is there something I can help you with?” I approached my desk, set down my things, and busied my hands to avoid looking at him.
He raked his fingers through his hair. “No. I know you want to keep things professional, but I just learned something this morning and had to tell you.”
I took a step closer and searched his face to read the feelings in his eyes. “What is it?”
“Reeva lied about the baby. It isn’t mine.”
“W-what? Are you kidding me? What good news to start the day with!” Happiness for him burst through me. I quickly hugged myself to keep from hugging him.
He exhaled heavily, as if a hot air balloon that had been filled and compressed into his lungs, suddenly burst. His shoulders relaxed slightly, from the weight that had been lifted, but there was still a tension in his posture. His eyes softened with a mix of relief and lingering disbelief; he was still processing the news himself. He didn’t need to say a word for me to know how much of a burden this entire ordeal had been on him. I was so happy for him.
The fact that Reeva had to track me down to warn me off him told me what a handful she must have been for him. I was appalled that Reeva would deceive him like that—trying to coerce him into taking responsibility for a child that wasn’t his. He had to deal with this additional stress on top of his father’s health crises, all based on an elaborate lie.
Anton took a step back, likely feeling the heat between us and the need for a hug, which I continued to restrain myself against.
“I'm sorry, that was an unprofessional speech this early in the morning.”
I shook my head. “No, Anton, I’m glad you wanted to share this news with me. I’m relieved for you. What a heavy weight off your shoulders!”
His breath came heavy again.
“Thank you…. Well, I need to get back to work and let you focus on yours.” He left.
I stood there, thinking there were a million things I could’ve said, but nothing came to mind. Finally, I sat down and dove into work, more lighthearted than I’d been in a while.
That lightheartedness didn’t last. Work was pure torture today. I had a hard time focusing on the Aiko Osaka case that Anton had assigned to me, but my mind kept drifting to him. So much for my resolution this morning.
Now, back at home, all I wanted was to sleep. All day, I’d avoided analyzing what Anton’s news had done to my feelings.
The sound of me closing the front door behind me got Maddison to look up from her laptop.
She peered at me through her glasses perched on the tip of her nose. Those glasses made her look like some high-power executive assistant.
“You look like you’re still in a bad mood,” she stated.
“I’m not,” I snapped, scowling at her, which kind of proved her point.
“Right,” she said sarcastically, then shut her laptop and patted the cushion next to hers on the couch.
I sighed. “It’s been a long day, Maddy, and no, I don’t want to talk about it.”
As much as I loved my cousin, I wasn’t in the mood to rehash the past eight hours with her.
She removed her glasses. “Do you know what I’ve been hoping for?”
“What?” I mumbled, flopping down on the couch beside her.
She flashed a mischievous grin. “That one day, you’ll come home from work with a huge smile because you got back together with Anton.”
“Maddison, don’t start.”
“Okay, I know what will make you feel better.”
I narrowed my eyes suspiciously. “And what would that be?”
“A girls’ night out.” I groaned and stood up, intending to escape into my bedroom. But Maddison intercepted me, blocking my path. “And I’m not taking no for an answer.”
“I’m too tired to have fun. Why don’t we do it tomorrow?”
“The only answer I'll accept is yes ,” she stated firmly.
Realizing Maddison wasn’t giving up, I thought I’d done the same thing to her when she was in a funk before. The longer I argued with her, the longer it would be before we went out and then came back home.
“Fine. Where do you have in mind?”
She grinned. “It’s a surprise, honey.” She skipped back to her laptop. “Be ready in an hour.”
“Oh, no. If you want me to go out, then let’s go now. I just need to change into jeans. You have five minutes to get ready.”
She scrunched up her face and rolled her eyes but agreed. It ended up taking her fifteen minutes, which was much better than the full hour it would’ve been if I hadn't given her a deadline.
On the way to our mystery destination, Maddison spotted an ice cream truck and dragged me into the line. We each got plain vanilla cones. By the time I’d figured out where we were going, I was laughing.
At the amusement park, we walked around and chatted, and I was glad we came—though I didn’t admit it to Maddison. It might become her habit.
As we stood in line for the Ferris wheel, someone bumped into me. I turned to protest and saw a man chasing after a little boy. I watched as he picked up the boy and swung him around. An image of Anton with a son flashed in my mind.
My eyes filled with tears. Even though I knew Reeva had lied about him being her child’s father, I felt out of sorts. I felt cheated on Anton’s behalf.
I had been lying terribly to myself.
Earlier today, I hadn’t put effort into consoling him, more preoccupied that if I had, it wouldn’t be professional or that someone at work might see. I was protecting myself from more hurt. I was still hurting.
In the middle of an amusement park, amid a horde of bustling crowds of children and adults, I couldn’t contain my confusing emotions. Rising to the top lawyer spot and putting aside marriage and children was only four months in the making, and this was the mess I’d become.
Why would he even want to date me? I was nobody in his world and far from the likes of Reeva.
Maddison shifted and blocked my view of the boy and his father.
“Hey, you have a weird look on your face. What’s wrong?” she asked.
I stepped out of the queue as the first sob escaped and sat on a bench, hiding my face behind my palms.
Maddison sat beside me. “Celia, you’re scaring me. What happened?”
I couldn’t speak through my tears. They poured out of me until the deluge finally turned to a trickle. I sniffed back the remaining tears, feeling like a fool. I felt embarrassed about breaking down like that over such a silly thing. But it hadn’t really been the image of Anton with a child that triggered it. It was everything that had happened since I arrived here.
“I’m going home. I’m not in a celebratory mood anymore,” I said, standing and walking back through the amusement park.
“Celia,” Maddison called out.
When I looked back at her, the questions were all marked in her eyes. She was worried about me. The crying had taken such an emotional and physical toll that I didn’t have the strength or the will for a long walk, so we took a taxi back to the apartment instead. Maddison sat silently beside me throughout the ride.
By the time we got home, I felt a bit calmer, though my eyes were puffy, and a mild headache was beginning to throb at my temples.
Maddison put water in the kettle for tea. I sat on a stool at the counter and told her about my conversation with Anton. She wrapped me in a hug, her familiar cinnamon-scented hand lotion comforting.
“Now, how do you feel about your plan to become a top lawyer, setting aside marriage and children?” my cousin asked.
“I-I….”
“I know you, Celia. I don’t know what happened in law school, but you were never a pencil skirt, stilettos, platinum hair type of person–which is the picture of those high-performing lawyers that you want to be like.”
“I’m not—”
“Just the shoes you bought for work and ended up not wearing because they were so uncomfortable are proof,” Maddy cut me off. “Look…the way Anton likes you, I have a feeling he likes this simple Celia. And he’ll be thirty-four this year, Celia. He would want to have children soon....”
Her words hit me so deeply.
Another wave of tears threatened to fall as I realized that I was more heartbroken over my situation with Anton more than Reeva cheating him with a child that wasn’t his. I should have at least tried to explain to him what was going on in my head instead of asking us to stop seeing each other.
“All I’m saying is, be you, Celia. Revive those dreams we had growing up.”
Maddison gave me a hot cup of green tea, which helped to soothe my headache. Then, I went straight to bed. Memories of Anton’s eyes were the last thing I remembered seeing before I fell asleep.