Chapter 15
FIFTEEN
Grand.
I stared at the group of people, grateful this would be my last fucking time sitting in a room with them. This shit was pointless. I didn’t have issues managing my anger. I had an issue with the muthafucker who took someone I loved from me.
The only regret I had for my actions was that a split second cost me years away from my son. There was no other remorse and that possibly made me a shitty person for being able to sleep peacefully at night knowing I couldn’t bring Aleah back, however, the man who was responsible for what happened to her was no longer breathing.
“Grand…” The persistence in the tone of the person who called my name caused me to swing my eyes around the circle of bodies until they landed on Melissa Daugherty, the counselor I was assigned to. Her brows were slightly pinched when our gazes met. “You’re not focused. You only complete the course with active participation.”
“I’m here,” I grunted and she nodded.
“It’s not just about being here. We’ve gone over this multiple times. You have to participate .” When I stared blankly, not giving anything else, she sighed.
“We’ve been discussing triggers. Would you like to share what you’ve identified as your triggers?”
I snorted, moving my eyes round the circle of bodies again. “You know this shit is a joke, right?”
“What’s a joke, Grand?”
“Me being here. Shit, everyone in this room being here.”
“I assure you, nothing about anyone in this room needing to work on their emotional maturity so they’re able to think and not react is a joke. Least of all, yours. You reacted and your actions killed a man.”
I smiled arrogantly. “A man who put drugs in my girlfriend’s drink because he wanted to take advantage of her. He would have, if she hadn’t had a fatal reaction. She was someone I cared about. I hit him because he laughed about carelessly taking her life. I didn’t try to kill him but I’m glad I did.” I lifted from my chair and stepped in front of Melissa. “You want to know my triggers…” She tensed and lifted her eyes, jutting her chin. The room was so damn quiet you could hear a pin drop.
“People who are too much of a fucking coward to accept that he got what he deserved. A life for a life . People who are too self-righteous to admit that if they had been in my position, they would have reacted the same. I’m angry because I lost someone I love. I’m angry because I’m being forced to comply with this bullshit when none of you give a damn about the justice she would have never received if I hadn’t reacted. There’s your participation and fuck this class.”
I walked away with the sound of her voice yelling behind me, “Successful completion of this course is a term of your parole, Grand.”
I shrugged. “And you know I don’t need this shit so you do what you have to do.”
When I was seated in my car, I gripped the steering wheel and dropped my forehead onto my hands, attempting to let the moment pass. But as soon as I lifted my head and opened my eyes again, peering at the building I’d just stormed out of, irritation flooded my veins. I slammed my fist on the steering wheel multiple times until my hand throbbed from the repeated motion. I shook away the pain, started my car, and left the business park, heading to work. My classes were mandatory, so after I started working with Walt, again he agreed to let me start after lunch on the days sessions were scheduled. At least I could spend the rest of my day hammering and drilling into sheetrock which meant I didn’t have to think.
“Fuck…” I knocked over the box of screws and they scattered across the concrete floor. I had been off all day, fumbling through shit I could normally manage without thinking. Most of my issue was that I was still annoyed by the way class had gone this morning. If she decided not to sign off on my paperwork, then I would have to start all over, which meant giving up another hour a week for eight weeks.
“You might as well stop now.” I glanced over my shoulder at Walt. His salt and pepper hair and beard were another reminder of the time I lost. More gray than had been there before I did my bid.
“You shutting down early today?” I murmured and kneeled to collect the screws I knocked over.
“I wasn’t but it seems like that’s what we should do. You’ve been fucking up all day. Distracted. Pack up your shit and we’ll try this again tomorrow.”
My eyes narrowed and lifted to Walt before I extended to my full height. “I haven’t been distracted and there’s nothing wrong with the work I’ve done.”
He arched a brow and pointed to the floor but kept his eyes locked on me. “You use those to install?” His finger lifted and pointed to the wall behind me.
“Yeah, why?”
“Drywall’s half inch and framing is wood.”
I frowned, not processing what he was getting at until I opened my hand and glanced at the handful of screws in my palm, noticing they were two inches in length and fine threaded.
“Fuck…”
Walt grinned. “Yeah, fuck. See… distracted.”
Even though they were drywall screws, they weren’t what I needed for the job I was doing. Fine thread was for metal framing. I needed coarse threaded screws. The wider thread held the wood better and the size was off as well. They should have been an inch and a half in length. One and a half times longer than the half inch drywall I was using. Fuck!
The past three hours were a waste of my time and I would have to remove everything I’d done, which was almost the entire perimeter of the basement we were working on, and reinstall it properly.
“Why the fuck would you have those?”
“This isn’t the only job we’re working on, Grand. You got them off the van and didn’t check the size.” He stepped forward and tapped his finger into my chest. “ Distracted . Pack up. You’re done for the day. Tomorrow, I’ll help you get this down and re-installed.”
“I can do it.” I frowned through my annoyance, pissed that I hadn’t been focused.
“Yeah you can but I’m going to help you.” He glanced around.
I opened my mouth to argue and he cut his eyes my way. “Tomorrow, Grand. You’re done here. In fact, I’m gonna shut down too.”
I pushed out a frustrated breath and nodded. Instead of debating, I used my foot to sweep the screws closer together and picked them up, returning them to the plastic container. Once I made sure the lid was secured, I packed up the tools I’d worked with all day—utility knife, tape measure, and drill. I dumped everything into the toolbox, exited out the side entrance, and rounded the corner of the property until I reached the driveway where Walt was lifting wood from an A frame. He’d spent the afternoon sizing pieces for custom cabinets with a portable saw while I was installing drywall.
I dropped my toolbox in the back of his company van then fell in step, collecting the scrap pieces, which I carried to the removable dumpsters he kept on each job. We worked in silence until everything was cleaned up. When the last pieces were dumped, I planned on heading home but Walt motioned for me to join him.
The last thing I wanted was another person demanding explanations but I respected Walt and appreciated that he had given me an alternative by hiring me back so I could legally make decent money. Along with the cushion I made from the fights, I could breathe a little and wasn’t at risk of losing another five years or more. I sat next to him on the bed of the van and dropped my elbows into my thighs, waiting.
When he barked a laugh, I turned to find him grinning. “You look like you want to go a few rounds with me.”
I smirked and shrugged. “Depends on what you’re about to say.”
“I’m just checking in with you, son. You’ve had a rough go of things and I can’t say that I give a damn one way or another but if it means preventing you from wasting six hours of labor that I have to pay you for…”
“You don’t have to pay me for today.”
He frowned and waved me off. “I’m gonna pay you, but I still want to know what’s got you off your game today. Everything okay?”
I moved both hands over my head, then sat up, nodding. “It’s as good as it’s gonna be.”
“That’s not an answer.”
I stared across the street at two kids chasing each other in the yard, a little girl about twice the age of the boy running after her. It made me think about Raiden and whether or not I would give him siblings one day. The thought twisted my stomach. If I did, they wouldn’t be from his mother.
Then my thoughts shifted to Saniya. Things were good with us. She didn’t push and more or less went with the flow. She asked about Raiden but never requested to meet him which gave me peace but also bothered me. I wondered if her not placing the demand was due to not wanting anything to do with my son or if she was respecting boundaries. I never said he was off limits but I also hadn’t offered to connect her to that part of my life.
I was so fucking torn. Saniya meeting Raiden officially meant I was accepting her as someone of importance.
“Ahh, now it all makes sense.”
I turned to find Walt grinning like he was privy to a secret and a scowl settled onto my face. “What makes sense?”
“What’s her name?”
My scowl deepened and he laughed lightly. “There’s only two things that have a man as distracted as you’ve been today. Well three actually, but two of those are one in the same but different issues. Problems finding a woman, problems with the woman you found.” He held up two fingers. “And the third is money. I’m paying you enough to keep you fed and a roof over your head so my guess is your problem is a woman.”
I laughed dryly. “I don’t have the luxury of worrying about a woman.”
“Why? Because you spent a little time on the inside.”
“Isn’t that reason enough?”
He shook his head. “You served your time, didn’t you?”
“Yeah.”
“Then you have the luxury of wanting a woman, Grand. Just has to be the right one. One who understands where you are and where you’ve been.” His expression was serious when it met mine.
“My life has to be about Raidy. He lost his mother because of me and I have to…”
“It will never happen,” he said evenly and my scowl resurfaced but as his eyes bored into mine he continued. “You’ll never love that kid enough to fill the void of what he lost, nor will loving him enough fill the void of what you lost. And truthfully, you can’t love him if you don’t love yourself. It’s not your fault. She’s not gone because of you. You didn’t drug her, Grand.”
I didn’t respond and turned a blank stare back across the street, feeling like he could read my thoughts— guilt for wanting something with Saniya and what that would look like to my son, especially when he was old enough to know that his mother being with me was what took her from him.
“If you’re not happy, he won’t be happy, and if you fake it, he’ll know. Kids can see right through our bullshit. The little fuckers are like human lie detectors.” Walt’s laugh had me turning hard eyes back to him.
“Being a good father is not just about providing for him and loving him. It’s also about loving yourself. If you’re not whole, you can’t show up for your son, Grand. Hasn’t he lost enough already?”
My jaw tightened in anger and Walt clasped me on the shoulder. “Just think about what I’m saying. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
He pushed off the back of the van and I followed. While he slammed the doors shut and locked up, I headed to my car, grateful that Tali hit my line. I didn’t have to think about the things Walt put on my spirit, at least not right now.
“What up, family?”
“Ain’t shit, what are you into?” From the hollow sound of his music, I could tell he was in the car.
“Heading to the shop for an appointment. You have plans tonight?”
I frowned, considering that I wanted to pull up on Saniya but hadn’t talked to her to see what she was into. “Nothing confirmed yet, what’s up?”
“You owe me for bailing that night at Hef’s. I have something I’m getting into tonight. I wanted you to pull up.”
“That shit sounds cryptic as fuck, Tali. You’re gonna have to give me more than that.”
“What happened to I got you no matter what?” His tone was laced with amusement because he didn’t have to question my loyalty, ever.
“I need more to determine how I’m going to show up, not if, fam. Don’t disrespect me.”
“Relax, Grand. I’m only fucking with you. I’m racing tonight.”
Racing?
Shit, I hadn’t thought about that in years. I lined up a few times but I wasn’t as invested as Tali. He lived for the rush.
“You still on that reckless ass shit?”
“It’s not on me, it’s in me, and yeah. You get money your way and I’ll get it mine.” Once again his tone was laced with amusement. There was no judgement on my end because how the fuck could I judge anybody?
“What time?”
“Midnight.”
The races were always late night or early morning pending how you wanted to consider things. If the cops were going to be avoided and the streets clear from pedestrians lowering the risk of casualties, then timing was imperative.
“Aight, send me the information and I’ll be there.”
“I got you and if she’s not willing to unhand your balls long enough to let you come, bring her with you.”
He hung up before I could check him. I laughed, because like it or not, whatever I got into with Saniya tonight would determine whether or not she would be with me when I pulled up.
Since I had a couple hours from Walt ending the day early, I decided to swing by and get some time in with Raiden. I called my mother to be sure they were home first then headed their way. A few days ago, I’d picked up a bike helmet that was a replica of a motorcycle helmet and a jean jacket Saniya spent an hour decorating with iron on patches she’d ordered online. A helmet and skull filled the back and several other biker themed ones for the sleeves along with his name on the left pocket. I fucked with her heavy for the gesture.
I smiled big as shit when I pulled into the driveway and had to park behind his bike because it was positioned behind my mother’s car. I glanced at the porch to find him smiling just as wide, bouncing in place, waving at me like his entire day had been made.
The minute I got out of the car, he darted toward me but I caught him and lifted him into my arms before we collided. He hugged my neck so tightly I barely managed to inhale a solid breath. “My nana said I had to stay on the porch until you got here.”
“Because he refused to wait inside after I told him you were coming.” I smirked, glancing toward the house where my mother was standing on the porch in the spot he’d vacated.
“You happy to see me?”
“Yes, it’s been two days.” The confession crushed my heart. My son was counting the fucking days of my absence. I fought hard to push down thoughts of how he handled me not being around over the past five years.
“Is that too long?” I forced a smile to lighten the mood.
“Yes, too long.”
“I’ll do better.” I pressed my forehead to his and he frowned.
“You didn’t do anything wrong. You don’t have to do better. I just miss you a lot.”
Fuck, this kid.
“I didn’t mean it like that. Just that I miss you too and I’ll make sure I see you more.”
“If I stay at your house I can see you every day.”
“I know, man. I’m working on it.” I cuffed the back of his head and brought him closer, pressing a kiss to his forehead before I let him down. “Go get your bike and bring it down here. I have something for you.”
I wanted Raiden with me and was making moves to ensure he was. I put in an application for a two-bedroom once I officially started working with Walt. He offered to be an employment reference to provide whatever I needed to secure the spot. I was currently waiting for them to make a decision.
He grinned and nodded but tilted his head back. “Is this from your work?” Raiden’s small hands tugged at the leg of my coveralls. Usually when I left work, I removed them and tossed them in the trunk because I was typically covered in dust. Things were so weighted when I left Walt today I’d skipped that part. This was the first time Raiden had seen me in them.
I kneeled to get eye level with my son. “Yeah, this is from work.”
“What do you do?” His brows pinched.
“I build stuff.”
His eyes lit up. “Like what?”
“Buildings and houses.”
He stuck his chest out and smiled. “I can do that too when I grow up. Will you get me some of these like yours?”
My fucking heart shattered at his innocence. He wanted to be like me and the pride I felt from my son seeing me as someone he admired had my chest tight. More than anything it made me want to be someone worthy of looking up to.
“Yeah, you can.” I brushed a hand over his head. “Go get your bike.”
I felt eyes on me and when I looked past him to the porch I caught sight of my mother’s smile right before she turned away and entered the house.
While Raiden carefully walked his bike down the driveway, I removed the helmet and jacket from my back seat. When he realized what I had, he was smiling like a lunatic again. “Can I put it on?”
“Yeah, come on.”
I got him out of his windbreaker and helped him into the jacket then the helmet, pointing out all the patches on his sleeves and his name. He grinned, wrinkling his nose when he looked up.
“Did you make this?”
“Nah, a friend of mine did.”
“Can I tell them thank you? You should always say thank you for gifts.”
I considered his words then removed my phone from my pocket, deciding I had to make a firm decision about where Saniya fit into my life. Now was as good of a time as any. There was no compromise when it came to my son, so if she wasn’t cool with being in his life I was going to have to rethink whatever the hell this was we were doing.