34. Ned #3
The end of the sentence hangs in the air, unspoken. But Ned hears it all the same: when he finally leaves me.
Like Jen did. Ned packing up his life and moving out of their home, the future he thought they’d share crumbling before them as their lives fell apart.
He blinks. His eyes are stinging.
“Ned,” Dad says, his voice achingly soft.
Ned tugs his cuff over the heel of his hand and wipes his eyes. “I’m afraid he’s going to leave me,” he says, his voice thick. “And that I won’t see it coming.”
Or that Ned will see it coming, in all these issues so very clearly piling up. He can’t contribute, and Abbot’s already impatient for Ned to catch up to him. Abbot’s going to come to his senses, and when he does, Ned will be alone all over again.
“Hey,” Dad says.
“He’ll find someone better than me,” he whispers. “That was my entire life when Jen left, and then it was just gone and I didn’t have anything.”
“He’s not Jen,” Dad says.
“I can’t go through that again. I just can’t.
” Ned hauls in a breath that shudders. “I want to do it right this time.” That’s what he wants so badly, to get things right with Abbot.
To wait and tread carefully and take everything slow.
To not make mistakes this time around. But look at them now: Their relationship is a giant knot he can’t even begin to untie.
“You are doing it right,” Dad says, “because you’re doing it with the right person.”
Ned lets out a hard breath. “I thought that the first time, too.”
“Let him help you,” Dad says.
“It’s not that simple. I can barely take care of myself, and I have Peggy, too.”
“You don’t have to take care of yourself,” Dad says.
“That’s the beauty of a healthy relationship.
Ned, you’ll get this when Peggy grows up, but as parents, we know we won’t be around forever.
When we’re gone, we want to be sure our kids will have someone to love them and take care of them.
I see you exchange rings with Henry and I know you’re going to be alright, because you have him, and he has you, too. So let the money go, okay?”
Ned tries to laugh. “The money’s kind of a big deal.”
“It’s not more important than showing up for each other,” Dad says.
“That’s what keeps two people together. Not who pays for what, or who does this and who does that.
You can figure that stuff out. The real thing is continually making the choice to be together.
Choosing the other, again and again. Even when it’s hard. Especially when it’s hard.”
“I did that with Jen, and she didn’t, and look where that ended up.”
“Did you?” Dad’s voice is gentle.
“What? Of course I did.”
“Ned, if she’d said she hated Portland and wanted to move home, would you have left Callahan halfway through your doctorate and gone with her?”
“I—” Yes, he tries to say. He absolutely would have. Right?
“That’s what I’m talking about. She had to choose to stick it out with you, or you had to choose to leave Callahan for her,” Dad says.
“Either of you could have, but you didn’t.
And I don’t blame you or her, kid. It was the right thing in the end for you to part ways.
But with Henry? You’ve been choosing him every day since you got together, and you’re still choosing him now, so don’t up and stop, okay? Cause he isn’t going to either.”
“Jen didn’t tell me she didn’t like Portland until ages later,” Ned says. “How could I have known, when she didn’t talk about it?”
“That’s why you gotta ask. And when they give an answer, you have to listen.”
“But—”
“It sounds like Henry’s given you his answer.
He wants to live together, and he’ll make that happen financially.
And he’s chosen Peggy, and Baxter too, the hairy lump,” Dad says.
“So either you have to let him do what he wants, or you have to ask him to be okay with waiting for you to get your half of things together. Whichever it is, Ned, you two have to decide, so you’ve got to talk about it. ”
Ned stares at his fingers knotted so tightly his knuckles have gone white.
I don’t want to talk about it, he nearly says.
He absolutely doesn’t. To face Abbot in his nice clothes and his paid-off house and fancy car and admit that a year into working, Ned’s barely scraping by?
That all grad school has given him is more debt and a salary he has to stretch thin to cover his bills?
“Is this how you and Mom have been married so long?”
“Nobody said marriage is easy,” Dad says. “But it is worth it, with the right person.”
The right person. Who is Abbot, but Ned needs time. He needs months and even years he’s not going to get. He’s not ready, so far from it that ready doesn’t even feel in sight. Though…
He closes his eyes. He felt like this once with Abbot. Stumbled into dating him and found it to be the best thing he’s ever done. And this similar forward fall? Abbot will catch him, if Ned allows him to.
He pulls in a deep breath. He wants to avoid this conversation with Abbot entirely.
But he wants Abbot more. Their relationship, and their future, too.