11
I ’ve felt a lot of things in my life, but deep shame isn’t one of them. At least, not this kind. The feeling coursing through me right now is not one I like, and no matter what I do, I can’t escape it. I got drunk and let Wolfe fuck me, only to watch him chase after Esme and leave me standing like the cheap trash I am.
Okay, maybe that’s a harsh way to think of it, but it doesn’t stop the intense feelings I can’t seem to shake.
I’m embarrassed.
I can’t face him.
I can’t look him in the eye and listen to him tell me it was a mistake. Worse, I can’t sit back and relive the day before, feeling that hopeless, pathetic sensation because I threw myself at him so desperately.
He’s been trying to call. I haven’t answered.
I need to finish this on my own.
“Mera?”
Shaking my head, I focus back on Harry who has been speaking to me but I haven’t heard a word of it. I zoned out when he told me they wouldn’t allow him to reopen my mother’s case. They believed there was enough evidence to prove that she took her own life, and there were no signs of foul play to indicate otherwise.
It’s a blow to my progress.
A hurtful fucking sting.
“Sorry,” I say, my voice steady. “I ... I just need some air.”
Pushing out of the chair, I get to my feet and dart toward the door, needing to get the hell out of here.
“I’m sorry, Mera,” Harry calls, and I pause. “I will keep trying.”
I glance back at him. “It’s okay, you’ve done what you can.”
“It’s good news that your father had an accomplice, because it takes some of the heat off you with Nia missing.”
My chest tightens. “I didn’t realize there was so much heat on me.”
He stares down at the desk guiltily for a minute, exhaling. “If the higher ups had it their way, there would have been a lot more. I’ve been pushing. I’m on your side, but it hasn’t been easy.”
I offer a broken smile. “I appreciate that. I’ll talk soon, okay?”
He nods, and I get the hell out of there.
Rushing out of the police station, I slam straight into a hard, rugged body. Leaping back, I am faced with a man I haven’t seen before. A biker, clearly, judging by the loud and proud leather jacket he is wearing. He’s part of Wolfe’s club, but I haven’t met him. He is, of course, something spectacular.
Standing over six feet tall with tattoos and muscles, he is a tall drink of water.
His eyes, green like grass, are striking against his olive skin.
He sports a beard, long, thick dark hair, and wears chains around his neck.
His powerful presence is captivating, leaving me momentarily speechless.
“Wolfe is lookin’ for you.”
I blink, taking another minute to gather myself. “I’m sorry, do I know you?”
“Haven’t met yet,” he answers, gruffly. “Name is Knox.”
Right.
The one who was away.
Havoc, they call him.
“Right,” I answer, taking a step back. “I’m busy right now so you can tell Wolfe that I’m not coming.”
Knox raises his brows, seemingly shocked at my bravado. “Not doin’ that, woman. You’re comin’ with me.”
I don’t think so.
“You can try and make me but considering I’m out the front of a police station and I always have the entire town’s eyes on me, I would say that you have little chance of forcing me. I will scream, do not doubt it. You can tell Wolfe to go and fuck himself. Now, if you’ll excuse me ...”
He reaches out to take my arm, but I have already anticipated that move. I have spent enough time with the club to know how they work. I dodge him easily, and then I run. If I guessed correctly, I don’t think he’ll chase me, and I’m right. He doesn’t. So, I get the hell out of there, not looking back to see what he’s doing.
Another biker who is going to put me on their shit list.
I don’t have time to care.
I am going to get my answers, then I’m getting the hell out of this town.
The first place I’m going is the library. Yesterday didn’t end how I had hoped, so now I’m left to get back on the search myself. I’m curious about what clue that library holds, and I’m going to track it down myself. Wolfe be damned.
I catch a cab there, figuring it is the quickest option.
I’ve been texting with Jace over the last few days, and he’s been adamant about catching up. I should, I know I should, but things haven’t been going exactly as planned. I feel horrible, because he has been one of the only people who has been kind to me, and I hate that I’m not giving him the attention he really does deserve.
I make a mental note to see him later.
Right now, I have to do this.
Getting out at the library, I pay the cab driver and then stand before the beautiful building, just taking it in. The library stands as a testament to history, with its grand entrance surrounded by elaborate carvings and towering columns. Stone stairs lead up to large, double wooden doors.
Making my way inside, I am presented with the breathtaking high ceilings and rows of towering wooden shelves, which house countless books bound in leather and cloth. Sunlight filters through stained glass windows, casting colorful patterns on the polished marble floors.
In the center, a spiral staircase winds its way up to a mezzanine, offering a view of the reading areas below. Quiet areas with plush armchairs invite visitors to lose themselves in the pages of a book, while antique chandeliers cast a warm, inviting glow over the entire space.
I have never experienced something so beautiful in all my life.
To think I lived so close to this and never once entered is almost a crime.
I have no idea what exactly I’m looking for, the small clue left doesn’t really give much indication as to what I’m searching for, but I’m determined to find out. I begin by searching any books about truth, lies, or secrets, but find nothing. I then move onto the crime section, but once again, I find nothing.
Frustrated, I sit down and think about the box I found at the river.
My mind goes to the dog tag, and I wonder if those initials mean something? Maybe they are a call number for a book? Jumping to my feet, I move to the W section and begin reading the spines of the books, until I finally come across one that matches. With anxious hands, I pull it out and read the front. The title of the book is Shadow.
My skin prickles as I open the book and a photo falls to the ground.
Reaching down, I pick it up and stare at it, my eyes widening.
In the picture, there are three people. One is my father, and beside him are two young teens, maybe fifteen. It’s hard to see clear details of their faces, as the picture has been poorly printed, but there is no doubt in my mind that is my father. So, who are the two boys? My mind spins with the possibilities. Does my father have more kids? Another family? Is that who is doing all of this?
It's the only thing that makes sense.
I flip the photo over, and on the back there is another saying. Bound by loyalty, divided by choice.
What the hell does that mean?
I flip the photo over again, but there is nothing else written. Putting the photo into my pocket, I flick through the book and notice something. It is about an old wharf in the local area, and how a man built it from the ground up with nothing more than the dull light that created enough shadow for him to create his masterpiece.
I know the place; it’s old and many people go to visit it, because of the beauty of its creation.
It’s mostly a landmark, something people come to admire, but I’m guessing it is also where I will find the next clue.
Whoever is doing this is enjoying the game.
I will keep playing, because I need answers.
Even if I have to risk my life to get them.
“I’M GOING TO SEE HIM .”
Saying the words out loud don’t make my revelation any easier.
That revelation being that the only person who can give me answers about my mother ... is my father.
It wasn’t something I came to easily, in fact, it is something I have been trying to avoid since the day I came back here. I hoped that I could find my answers without him, but the truth is, I can’t. He is the only person who can tell me what I need to know, he is also the last person in the world I would ever want to see.
The very thought of going in there makes me sick to my stomach.
“That’s a big decision.”
Jace is the only person I trust enough to tell this truth to, and I hope I’m making the right choice in telling him.
“Tell me about it,” I say, softly, staring down at the untouched cup of coffee. “But I don’t think there is any other way for me to find what I need. Harry can’t reopen the investigation into my mother’s death and I just ... I need to know, Jace.”
“I’m not saying you’re wrong, believe me. I would want to know, too. I’m more concerned about your feelings surrounding it. That is something that could be very confronting. You haven’t seen him since the day he got arrested, and you haven’t spoken to him, either.”
I swallow. “I know.”
Reaching across the table, Jace takes my hand. “If you need someone with you, I’ll come.”
My heart warms at his kindness, and I’m immediately overcome with guilt for not being as good to him as I should have. He’s been so decent to me, and I’ve been tangled up obsessing over someone who doesn’t even want me. Now that’s clear, I’m horrified by it. I don’t know what got into me, or what it is about Wolfe that caught me, but I know now that it’s best if I keep my distance.
I can’t hide forever, I know that.
I stayed in a hotel last night, but I need to go back, to get my things and face the music.
I needed to make a choice first, and now that I’ve made that choice, I have to take the next step.
“Thank you.” I smile at Jace. “You’re a good person. I don’t know why you stick it out with me, but I appreciate you all the same.”
He smiles. “I think you’re worth sticking it out for.”
It’s moments like these I’d kill for a girlfriend in my life. It’s not something I’ve ever had. I’ve made friends, of course, but more casual types. I want the laugh until you cry, sleepover, be with me through my worst kind of girlfriend. Someone I can turn to when times get tough, to talk me out of doing stupid things like I did with Wolfe, and to keep me honest.
Maybe one day, I’ll get that lucky.
“I have to get going.” I exhale, taking a pathetic sip of my coffee but knowing I don’t have it in me to drink it. I’m too wound up with nerves. “I need to get my things and then find somewhere else to stay.”
Jace’s eyes narrow. “I told you, you can stay with me, Mera. You don’t have to stay with that club.”
“I know, but I don’t want to overwhelm you. My drama is deep.”
He chuckles. “I think I can handle it.”
I press my lips together, then smile. “You’re too nice. Let me go get my things, and I’ll call you, okay?”
He nods. “If you run into any trouble, call me straight away. I’ll get you out.”
I appreciate his offer, but I’d never put him in that position. I know what the club is like well enough to know it would only cause him problems.
Pushing to my feet, I offer one more smile. “Thank you.”
Then, I leave.
I know I have to go and face Wolfe, but the thought really isn’t appealing. I still feel a sting in my chest at the thought of him leaving the other day. He chose Esme, and that brings a level of shame I am struggling with. Shaking the thought from my head, I decide I will go in, get my things, and tell him we’re done. Then, I’ll leave.
I’ll find answers on my own.
I have no other choice.
It’s a beautiful day out, so I decide to walk to the compound, needing the fresh air. I stick to the side of the road, so I’m not at risk with passing cars, and slowly make my way in the club’s direction. Distracted in a world of my own, I don’t hear the car slowing down behind me. In fact, I don’t even notice the car until I’m slammed from behind.
It isn’t going at a rapid speed, but it’s still a car and the force is enough to send me launching a few yards ahead, stumbling to the ground, my hands going out in front of me in a futile attempt to protect my body from the impact. I hit the dirt all the same, and pain shoots through my body as I roll to my side, toppling off the road and down the small ledge on the side.
“Get the fuck out, kidnapper.”
The voice comes from a man, and the car skids away quickly, shooting gravel and dust over me.
I lay on the ground, gasping for breath, the wind knocked right out of me as I process what just happened.
They hit me with their car.
Tears burst forth and roll down my cheeks as I struggle to push myself back into a standing position. Turning my hands over, I see they’re bloody from the impact and my knees are torn up, too. It’s not bad, but it hurts like hell and more than that, the shock running through me is crippling.
Letting the tears flow, I continue walking toward the club, not bothering to wipe my face.
I’m nearly at the edge of my rope, and I’m not sure how much more I can take.
Reaching the compound, I walk past the bikers lingering around the front gate smoking. I don’t bother to make eye contact, they know who I am. That doesn’t mean I don’t notice their lingering stares as I walk past them, blood running down my legs because of the cuts on my knees.
My hands burn, and I’m fighting to keep it together.
I’m just approaching the warehouse when Wolfe steps out with Esme close behind him. Great, this is the last damn thing I need. The moment his eyes fix on me, he growls, “Where the fuck have you been?”
Then his words fade off when he really takes me in.
“What the hell happened to you?”
“I’m not in the mood for you today, Wolfe. I’m just here to get my things and then I’m leaving.”
I try to step past him, but he takes my arm, hauling me back.
“What the fuck happened?” he demands.
“Someone hit me with their fucking car,” I bark, my voice shaking. “Does that make you happy? I’m sure you’re thrilled to know the people in this town want me out as much as you do. Now, if you don’t fucking mind, I want to get my things and get the fuck away from you .”
His eyes flash, and Esme has the audacity to fucking grin.
“Keep that grin and I’ll wipe it clean off your fucking face, Esmerelda,” I snarl, my voice a low hiss.
Her head jerks back, and her eyes darken. “What did you fucking say to me?”
“I didn’t stutter.”
She takes a step toward me, but Wolfe puts his arm across her chest to stop her. “Enough,” he warns.
“That’s right, listen to your biker. At least we can both agree on one thing. Wolfe is an exceptional fuck. I just wish you didn’t interrupt so I could have at least finished,” I throw at her, turning.
“Oh, hell no ,” she yells, then she shoves Wolfe’s hand away and lunges at me, slamming into my back.
I fall face first onto the ground. I deserve it, I know, but that doesn’t stop me from fighting back. Cursing, my knees screaming in pain, I toss my body up as hard as I can, throwing Esme off. Then, I roll and slam into her, pinning her to the ground. Before a single punch can be thrown, bikers are running over, pulling us apart. I see it’s Kael that has me, and there is no breaking the death grip he has.
Wolfe hauls Esme off the ground, but that hasn’t stopped her mouth from running. She is still screaming curses at me.
“Fuck you,” I spit.
“At least he wants me here,” she screams, squirming. “You were just a bit of fun; it was me that he came after.”
That stings.
I try to wiggle free from Kael’s grip, but I’m having no luck.
“Get her inside,” Wolfe orders. “Clean her up.”
“I’m not staying here,” I hiss, squirming again.
Ignoring my protest, Wolfe growls, “Nobody lets her leave. Nobody.”
“You can’t,” I begin, but Kael spins me away.
“Come on, you fiery little shit stirrer. Let’s get you cleaned up.”
I can hear the laughter lacing his tone.
“It’s not funny,” I protest as he pulls me toward the large warehouse.
“Oh, it’s fuckin’ hilarious.”
We step inside, walking past a heap of bikers playing pool, and into a back room behind the bar stocked with alcohol. Kael pushes me down onto a stool and orders me not to move before disappearing and coming back a few minutes later with a large first-aid kit.
“Fuck, she beat you up good,” he murmurs when he squats down in front of me.
“Do not give her that satisfaction. I got hit by a car on my way here.”
His ice-blue eyes swing up to mine. “What the fuck?”
“Just when you thought your day couldn’t get any more interesting,” I mumble.
He chuckles. “Well fuck me, you are certainly a handful.”
“So I’ve heard.”
He prepares a bowl full of water and some liquid he takes from the kit, then he gets a large gauze and dunks it in before beginning the long cleaning process. My knees are burning, but I grit my teeth and don’t make a sound. Once he’s done cleaning them, he lathers them in something that burns like all hell, and then he moves to my hands.
“Who hit you?”
“I don’t know,” I admit. “Someone who hates me, which is about two thousand or more people, considering it’s not a huge town.”
Kael grins, looking up at me. God he’s beautiful. “Well, that’s only half the town.”
I snort. “In that case, it has grown. It’s probably closer to three thousand nine hundred then.”
He chuckles. “Ain’t it amazing how our parents can fuckin’ destroy so much for us, even when we do nothin’ except exist.”
I swallow. “Yeah.”
The door opens and Wolfe steps inside, his eyes full of pent-up rage and frustration. Oh great, how wonderful.
“I’ll take it from here,” he mutters, and Kael pushes to his feet.
“I’d rather he didn’t,” I say to Kael, ignoring Wolfe.
“Sorry darlin’.” Kael grins. “Best of luck.”
Great.
He leaves and closes the door, leaving Wolfe and me alone in the room. Wolfe walks over, picking up where Kael left off. I grit my teeth when he takes my hand, cleaning it and revealing some deep gashes. The silence between us is intense, and I try to keep my eyes anywhere else but on him.
“You should know, I don’t appreciate you comin’ into my club, startin’ shit.”
“Well you should know,” I retort, “that I don’t like being attacked by your little girlfriend.”
“You provoked her.”
I snort. “We both know that she has been waiting to do that since I first walked through those gates.”
He looks up at me, and my heart skips a beat. Dammit. I wish more than anything my body didn’t react to him this way.
“You’re just fuckin’ salty that I left the other day.”
I hold my breath, that familiar burn of shame washing through me.
“I’m not a fuckin’ asshole, I wasn’t goin’ to let her leave without explainin’.”
I don’t need to hear this.
I’m in no mood.
I push out of the chair and try to step past him toward the door.
He stops me by taking my arm, swinging me around and pulling me down as he plants his bottom into the chair I was just in. He holds me tight enough that I can’t move, my groin pressed against his legs as I squirm to get away.
“What sort of game are you playing?” I mutter, frustrated that I can’t seem to remove myself even when I want to.
“I’m finishin’ what I started.”
He hauls me up, bringing me down onto his lap, and I have no choice but to spread my legs or risk toppling over. His arms close around me, holding me to him. Muttering a curse, I look into his eyes, frustration bubbling. “I’m not into this kind of mental mind fuckery.”
“Good to know,” he murmurs, reaching between us and shoving my skirt up.
My breath hitches.
“Do you mind?”
He strokes a finger over my panties, grinning. “Wet. As I predicted.”
“Let me go.”
He releases his hold. “Not stoppin’ you, Kitten.”
His already hard cock presses into my pussy, nudging me, teasing.
“I fucking hate you,” I gasp when he pushes my panties aside, exposing me to his fingers.
“Yeah, so I’ve heard.”
I could get off his lap, but I’m choosing not to. I hate that I’m so weak around him, but I can’t seem to stop myself. I want him, and I sure as hell deserve to get my damn orgasm. At least, that’s what I’m telling myself. I’m not pulling away, and because of that, I need to reason with my brain.
Pathetic, really.
Unbuckling his jeans, he lifts us for a second, shoving them down before lifting me and lowering me down toward his cock.
“You clean?” he growls, holding me just above him.
“Yes. Are you?”
“Yeah. You protected?”
“Yes,” I breathe when he slowly lowers me.
“Good. Because I’m goin’ to need to fuck you, and I’m goin’ to need to do it hard.”
Oh.
My.
Sinking down onto his cock, I gasp at how much better it feels without a condom. One arm slides around me while the other takes my hip, and there, he guides me. A low, guttural moan leaves my lips when he begins rocking me, and I know this won’t last long for me. I’m wound up so damn tight. Hooking my arm around his neck, I press my forehead to his as he uses my body to fuck his own.
It's erotic, something I’ve never experienced before.
The way he grinds up into me, or the way he rolls my hips, knowing how to work my own body better than I do.
It’s exhilarating, and I quickly catch on, taking the movement myself and fucking him with an intensity I didn’t know I had.
“Fuck,” he growls, catching my mouth with his and kissing me so deep that my moans travel right through him.
I can’t hold on.
I don’t even want to.
My release is intense. Throwing my head back, I gasp his name as my entire body trembles, a deep pleasure shooting out from my core, taking over my entire body. It’s a feeling that I will forever remember, because it’s so god damn good. I can’t stop the tremors that run through me, and I’m glad Wolfe is holding onto me, because I fear I would fall if he wasn’t.
Using my body, he slams up into me harder, faster, fucking me with a force that takes the wind right out of me.
Then, he brings me down one more time and holds me there, and I feel every blissful jerk of his cock as he finds his release inside me. His arms are tight, his body is slicked with sweat, and his growls in my ear make my skin prickle with delight. It’s such an intense moment, I don’t want it to end. I want to sit here and do it all over again.
“I want more,” I breathe against his lips.
“Fuck.”
“Fuck me again.”
“Baby, you gotta give me a minute.”
Baby .
Why does that feel so damn good?
Am I so starved of love and affection that a simple word can bring a warmth I crave?
What have I become?