Chapter 35
THIRTY-FIVE
GRACIE
Itake a shaky breath before opening the door to greet Noah. This is our third date so far since I found out who he really is, and my feelings are… conflicted.
There’s a part of me that hates him for everything he’s done, for every lie and every deception, but there’s still a part of me that wants him.
And that only makes me hate myself.
How can I still want him after everything he’s done? It makes no sense, yet my brain refuses to quiet that small voice in the back of my mind.
Still, that doesn’t mean I’ll be acting on it.
Noah grins at me as he steps into my dorm, a bag of Chinese takeout in hand.
My favorite, no doubt, since Noah seems to know a lot more about me than I gave him credit for.
That’s another thing I’ve noticed in the last couple of weeks since my revelation.
The closer I look, the more I realize just how blind I’ve been.
I didn’t notice before just how attentive Noah is with me compared to anyone else.
I didn’t notice how he always seems to anticipate my needs or knows basically every single thing I like and dislike.
It’s a heady feeling, knowing just how… obsessed he’s been with me without me even realizing it.
“Hey, babe,” he murmurs as he makes his way past me, pausing to press a kiss to my forehead before walking into the small kitchen to start unboxing the food.
And just like that, my heart starts to race.
Does he realize that he’s slipping more and more lately? This isn’t the first time he’s called me babe or love while not wearing the mask. It’s like he’s trying to push the limits to see just how far he can go before I finally catch on.
I grit my teeth before pasting on a smile and helping him, making small talk as we both plate up our food and head to the couch.
We decided that instead of going out tonight, we’d just chill in my dorm and watch a movie, which I’m grateful for.
It’s hard enough to keep up pretenses without being out in public, so this seemed like the easier option.
While Noah and I have always done things as friends, I still worry that someone will see us while we’re out and put two and two together, which will no doubt get back to my brother, and then all hell will break loose.
It wouldn’t be so bad if this were a real relationship, but it’s not. No, this is nothing but a twisted, fucked up game for the both of us.
Or… that’s what it’s meant to be.
“So, how are your classes going?” Noah asks once we’ve agreed on a movie, not that we’ll really be watching it, since Noah prefers to talk during it if I’m not busy with schoolwork or focusing on my art. Whenever I am doing those things, he’s content to just sit there in companionable silence.
I thought that was thoughtful of him, but now that I know the truth, I have to wonder whether that was just another way to… what? I don’t know, get under my skin? Show that he can be caring when he wants to be? Who the hell knows what goes on in that mind of his.
I don’t mind when he talks usually, but right now I’m finding it hard to not go off on him. I underestimated just how hard it would be to keep myself in check when I decided to fuck with him in the way he is with me.
I shrug. “They’re fine, I guess.”
He narrows his eyes on me. “You know, it’s not too late to change your major,” he says softly, and I swallow the lump that’s forming in my throat.
No one has ever pressed me on this as much as Noah, and while most would probably hate that, I find a part myself kind of liking it, thankful for him for how highly he regards my happiness.
And isn’t that fucked up.
He knows how much I hate my degree, and the more he presses about it, the more I find myself wondering if maybe I actually could do something about it instead of suffering in silence.
“I’m thinking about it,” I admit, and his eyes widen, as though he thought he’d have to push the topic further to get through to me.
“You are?”
I nod slowly before taking a bite of my food, not really wanting to talk about it. It would be hard enough to talk about it in the first place, and right now I honestly don’t have the energy to try and act normal around him.
It's been a hard week as it is, with having so many assignments that need completing and adding this whole fiasco on top of that? I’m ready to cry myself to sleep for a week.
Ugh, why did I think this was a good idea?
I don’t know whether I’m coming or going anymore, my head saying one thing and my heart saying another. Why does he have to be so damn perfect? This would be so much easier if he was an asshole.
And while he’s definitely done some assholeish things, he’s not a bad person. Sort of.
He’s kind, and thoughtful, and if it wasn’t for the whole anonymous stalking thing, he would have been perfect for me.
But I can’t just let him get away with what he did.
I can’t.
What type of person would I be to just let him walk all over me like that?
“I’m so proud of you, Gracie.”
Fuck.
I smile, trying to stop my lips from trembling while blinking back tears.
Would it really be so bad to forgive him?
Would it really be so hard to let go of it?
I’m not sure.
It’s not something I could ever forget, but is it something I could get over eventually?