Chapter 50
FIFTY
GRACIE
Itake a few deep breaths as I stare into the bathroom mirror then pick up the supplies I came in here to grab before heading back to Noah.
To say today has been a clusterfuck is an understatement, and I still have no goddamn idea what Noah was thinking when he invited Cole over here.
Cole said Noah had texted him a picture of me tied to the bed, and we’re going to have to have a serious talk about boundaries.
Noah is sitting at the foot of the bed, right where I left him. His hands are clasped between his knees; his elbows resting on his thighs and is wearing a look of trepidation.
I don’t blame him, since I feel the exact same way.
This is all so messed up, so completely jumbled and confusing that I don’t even know where to start.
I pad over to him and pull out a few antiseptic wipes before dabbing at the small cuts on his face. He’ll have bruises too, but nothing that will last for an extended period of time.
Once I’ve finished cleaning the wounds, I press a soft kiss to a bruise that’s forming on his cheek before taking a seat beside him.
“Talk.”
He takes a deep breath and blows it out slowly. “I don’t even know where to start.”
“How about you start from the beginning,” I say and turn my body to face him. He mirrors my position and takes my hands in his.
“I can’t tell you when my feelings for you started, because I honestly don’t know.
At this point it almost feels like it’s natural.
Like it’s something that just is. I honestly never planned to act on them, though.
I was content to just have you as a friend, to watch you from a distance.
It might be weird and fucked up that I obsessed over you, but to me that just feels like the most natural thing in the world.
“Then that night at the club when we were talking and then you invited me somewhere quieter… I just couldn’t say no. I didn’t have it in me to deny you, not when you are the one and only thing I’ve ever wanted. The only person I’ve ever desired.”
“You’ve never wanted anyone else?” I ask with a furrowed brow, and he gives me a confused look.
“Of course not. It’s always been you. How could I touch anyone else, let anyone who wasn’t you touch me, when all I could think about was you? It wouldn’t be right to them, to me, or to you,” he states simply and my mind blanks for a moment before my brain catches up.
“Noah… are you saying that you were a virgin before that night in the club?” I ask, the idea absurd.
He gives me a look that screams duh and says, “Why would I fuck someone else when all I’ve ever wanted was you?”
I blink at him, completely baffled by the revelation.
Holy shit, Noah was a virgin before that night.
That night was incredible, yet he had no experience before that.
“We’re getting of track,” Noah says, and I decide to table that line of thinking for later. I nod for him to continue, and he does.
“Anyways, I had planned for that night to be a one-time thing, but I underestimated what the reality of having you would feel like and what it would do to me. That night was my tipping point, and I know that I hurt you by lying to you and concealing my identity, but I wouldn’t take it back, Gracie.
I don’t regret a single second of what I did, because it got me you.
If you’re looking for an apology, you won’t ever get one from me. Not for that.”
I stare into his eyes, and I can see the conviction in them. He doesn’t regret it at all and honestly, neither do I.
How could I, when having him makes me feel the way it does?
How could I regret a single second of him when he helps me feel free? When he helps me be myself. When he’s shown me a whole other part of myself that I didn’t even know existed.
I can’t.
I clear my throat. “I realized it was you the day that I… uhm, the day that I confessed to you in my dorm and you told me to show you what happened,” I whisper and feel my cheeks heat at the reminder.
“In the moment, you called me love and I recognized your voice and the way you said it. I really have no idea how I didn’t piece it together sooner, but when I heard you say that, it was like everything hit me at once.
“There were things that seemed too convenient that I overlooked, the familiarity of the man in the mask and some other things. Even the sound of your voice without the modulator didn’t clue me in, even though it sounded familiar.
I think maybe I had been in denial about it for a while, and that was the final straw.
I was angry and confused and hurt, but I also felt things for you—both versions of you, but I was also overwhelmed by how much anger I felt at your betrayal.
I wanted to hurt you, the way you had me, which was why I suggested dating,” I say with a shrug and avert my eyes.
“But then, even though I was still beyond pissed at you, I couldn’t stop those feelings, and I found myself wanting you, no matter what you had done. ”
“And the note? The texts?” he asks, and I swallow the lump in my throat.
“I felt so fucked up, Noah. I didn’t know what to do with myself.
I was hurt and confused and angry. It felt like you were playing with me, and I wanted to do the same to you.
Eventually, that anger started to fade and my feelings changed, but I carried on the ruse because I was hoping that the messages would make you come clean with me, though this wasn’t exactly the way I had envisioned it. ”
I nod and he squeezes my hands in his.
“One thing I will apologize for is sending that picture to Cole,” he murmurs and cringes. “That was out of line, but I was out of my goddamn mind, and it was only when the first of his punches hit me that I really started coming back to myself.”
I snort. If that was all it took, I should have just slapped him and saved us both a whole lot of trouble.
“Well, at least he knows now,” I laugh, but it’s a little dry. It is a good thing that my brother knows about us now, but that doesn’t mean I’m not worried about not only my relationship with him, but Noah’s as well.
“True, but I’m still sorry,” he whispers and leans his forehead against mine.
I hadn’t even noticed that while we were talking, our bodies had automatically gravitated towards each other, like two magnets attracted to each other and unable to keep away.
“Okay,” I whisper. I’m not going to tell him that it’s okay, because it’s not, but I’m glad he can see his wrongdoings and own up to them.
“What now?” he murmurs, and I sigh.
Isn’t that the eternal question.
“Now, I guess we just go back to how things were, this time with the truth out there and no more secrets between us. But I swear to God, Noah, if you ever try and pull anything like this again, it’ll be the end of us.”
He swallows audibly. “I won’t, I promise.”
I guess I’m going to have to trust him on that.
“There’s one more thing that needs handling before anything else.”
Noah groans, the sound pained and full of hesitation. “Cole.”
“Cole,” I agree.
“I know we both need to talk to him, but I think it would be better if I were to go home without you and talk to him alone first,” he says and I’m about to object—since you know, he’s my brother—but he continues.
“I understand that you’re his sister and want to make things right with him, but it’s me who he feels betrayed by, not you.
I really feel like if I’m the one to talk to him first, maybe get him to see my side of things, without the things he doesn’t need to know about, obviously, then it’ll make things easier for you when it’s your turn. ”
I sigh, nodding my head against his before pulling away.
“Fine, but you’re doing it tonight. I don’t want to wait too long before making things right with him,” I say, and he reluctantly agrees.
“Let me kiss you?” he asks, a note of hope in his voice that has my lips quirking in a half smile before I press my mouth against his.
He kisses me back immediately, and it’s soft and sweet and it makes my freaking heart ache.
I don’t know what will happen with my brother or how we’re going to make things work, but what I do know is that we will find a way to make it work.
There is no other conclusion to our story.
Noah wouldn’t allow it even if I tried.
But he isn’t the only one with a possessive grip on the other.
Just like he’ll never let me go, I’ll never let him go either.
Now that I know what it feels like to have him in my life like this, I’ll be damned if I ever let him slip away.