Chapter Three
Aspen couldn’t recall the last time he had been this nervous.
It was ridiculous, considering he had just had dinner with Lysander the night before.
He worried too much over his clothes. Aspen was a bear.
What the fuck did he know about being stylish?
Finally, he settled on a t-shirt that looked okay with his eyes, and comfortable jeans.
He felt so off kilter, going on a date at his age.
Aspen was an old bear. He wanted to chill and snack.
Before Aspen walked away from getting ready, he caught sight of his reflection and froze.
There were dark circles under his eyes. Maybe he should just focus on becoming one with the pack.
It had been a nice day, being useful and hearing all the pack gossip.
He should stop dealing in matters of the heart.
Aspen needed to turn to love for his community and away from romantic love. Just bury that shit.
Someone knocked on the door.
Aspen headed to answer. For a moment, he thought Lysander was early, but the scent of vampire hit him. It wasn’t Leif. That was one scent he would never forget. Aspen opened the door to a vampire he had seen before but didn’t know. It was one of the Scottish bunch sent to Wulfe to guard Frost.
“Yeah?” He knew he sounded rude and unwelcoming, which totally went against his nature. But there was a reason Aspen had steered clear of this one. There was something dark in him.
“Oh, good. I see we’ll get along beautifully.” There was a flirtatious yet sarcastic edge to his unexpected visitor.
Aspen didn’t feel better.
“Why are you here?”
Aspen’s brow furrowed. He had no idea what was happening. “Um. I live here. Why are you here?”
Blue eyes that looked unnatural with his strawberry blond hair rolled at his response. “I meant in Wulfe. Rumor is you’ve moved here and joined the local pack. Are you trying to break up the band? Leif has already disappeared because of you. You honestly have a lot of nerve deciding to stay.”
Aspen’s confusion couldn’t have gotten deeper if it tried. “What?”
“You’re Leif’s ex. He ran away. Frost ended up missing with fewer guards to cover him. Does any of this ring a bell?”
“Stone?”
Lysander appeared behind the vamp, who was apparently named Stone. He held a bouquet of flowers that had a slight preternatural glow to them. Aspen’s heart melted a hair. He loved flowers. Unfortunately, everything else happening got more confusing by the second.
“What are you doing here?”
Aspen thought it was odd for Lysander to question Stone’s presence. It wasn’t as if Lysander knew enough about Aspen’s life to know who should or shouldn’t be there, but really.
“I’d like to know the answer too.”
Stone’s expression underwent major renovations. The spiteful, accusatory edge disappeared. Stone turned into that guy everyone liked. “Lysander. Hey. It’s always nice running into you.” Each word dripped with sexual innuendo.
Lysander did not look pleased. “Wait.” The flowers were unceremoniously shoved Aspen’s way. He took them out of sheer bewilderment while Lysander went toe to toe with Stone. “Is this another one of your playmates? Everyone is just another bed to you.”
“Absolutely not,” Aspen said at the same time Stone threw out his denials. “No. It’s not that.”
Lysander rolled his eyes. “Don’t give me that BS. It’s no secret you’ve fucked everyone in this town.”
“Not everyone.” Stone’s grumble sounded exactly like a kid’s rebuttal after getting called to the carpet.
“What the hell is going on here?” Leif shoved his way through the fighting pair to stand at Aspen’s side.
Aspen stared at Leif, wondering what the hell he was doing there. Aspen hated drama. Everything about this situation had him switching from one foot to the other, ready to hide. His breathing got faster by the second. Everyone spoke over everyone else.
Lysander shot him a look Aspen never expected to see. It looked a lot like hate. “Are you fucking everybody too?”
Aspen took a step back and shut the door.
He turned the lock and slid the chain in place for good measure.
While Aspen knew every creature on his front porch could simply swipe the door aside like it was made of toilet paper, he withdrew himself from whatever happened outside.
Not his pig. Not his farm. Aspen was out.
He had known rejoining the world of dating was a mistake.
His fears were officially substantiated.
Aspen tuned out the noise and headed for the kitchen.
He tossed the flowers in the trash and moved to the fridge.
As he grabbed the handle, intent on getting a beer, he froze as he caught sight of a picture on the door that was held in place with a heart-shaped magnet.
It was the picture of Leif and him he had thrown away yesterday.
Aspen couldn’t move. The panic attack he had feared tried to resurface.
Why had he moved here? What was the point of anything at all?
There was no happiness. Peace wasn’t real.
He was just a bear. Aspen should stick to that.
He should leave everything behind and disappear. There was nothing for him anywhere.
Strong arms encircled him. Warm lips skimmed the shell of his ear. “Take a breath, cuddly bear.” The soft words had Aspen sucking in a breath that sounded like a dying moose. He hadn’t realized how close he had been to melting down.
Leif held him tighter, hugging Aspen to his chest. “Everything will be okay.”
Aspen leaned forward and braced his forehead against the refrigerator, trying to center himself. The first tear fell. Another gasping breath brought with it the reality of him not escaping this breakdown. It had been long overdue.
“All I’ve ever wanted is for you to be happy. Every move I make is just another failure.” He took another hard-fought breath. “I can’t make any more decisions. It’s too hard.”
Aspen was a huge guy, but ancient vampire strength was bigger than most everything.
While he fell apart, Leif carried him to bed.
As they passed the front door, Leif touched the door.
Wards glowed bright orange before vanishing.
All outdoor sounds disappeared. Aspen felt the instant security.
No one could break through the bubble Leif created for them.
Aspen held tight to Leif and forced his mind blank.
He hadn’t been exaggerating. Aspen couldn’t keep fighting this battle.
Every decision he made only made things worse.
He was done. Maybe he was finished with everything.
“Your thoughts hurt my chest.” Leif climbed onto the bed and positioned their bodies where he could cuddle Aspen. A blanket flew upward and tucked them in.
Despite everything, a slight smile tugged at Aspen’s lips.
He had always loved it when Leif flexed his powers.
He was majestic. Beautiful in his control of things unseen.
He had always been out of Aspen’s league.
That was another lie he hadn’t told. All Aspen wanted was Leif’s happiness. It was killing him.
“Let me carry it.”
A stuttered breath escaped Aspen at Leif’s words. Leif was the strong one. Always had been. Aspen was the mess who couldn’t handle a single shout.
Leif snuggled closer and kissed Aspen’s forehead.
“Your old pack was loud. Angry. Always wanting to hunt and kill. You’ve always been too good for them.
I guess that’s why I didn’t realize how huge your sacrifice was by choosing me.
There was never a single day that I wanted anything other than a soft life with you.
Sometimes that meant being abrasive to everyone else to protect you.
But if I stole a life from you, I’m sorry for that.
I didn’t know choosing me cost so much.”
No matter how upset and hurt he was, Aspen only regretted a single moment he spent with Leif. The moment he set Leif free.
Leif rubbed his back, soothing him. “Let it go. It’s not like I’ve forgotten the constant fear of waking up one day to find you in love with some dumb bear who couldn’t love you half as much as I do.
But every single day, you were worth it, and each day without you has been like being murdered over and over again.
The pain taught me something, though. There was another choice.
I could’ve accepted the miracle and blessing of you each second we had together.
Then if the day came where a true mate came calling, I could choose the fire and know I lived the best life any man could ask for. It was on my terms.”
“Your passing would kill me. That’s not a plan, prickly pear. We spent decades with the what-ifs. They were the best decades of my life. I could never watch you die.”
He felt Leif smile against his forehead. “Maybe it isn’t a good plan, but you forgot about your panic attack, didn’t you?”
Aspen pinched Leif’s side.
Leif chuckled, completely unbothered.
Aspen’s shoulders relaxed. “I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.”
“Nothing.” The lights went out, plunging them into darkness.
Even though they could still see as clearly as they could in the daylight, the darkened room brought its own calming effect.
Leif buried his hand beneath Aspen’s shirt and settled in the way he always had when they slept.
“Close your eyes. Let everything go. Every issue will still be there in the morning, but they might not look as heavy once you’ve had some rest. Okay? ”
Aspen nodded. He was in Leif’s arms. That was where his happiness had always lived. He would savor what he could get.