Chapter 23
TWENTY-THREE
CAITLIN
Iapologized as I mopped up coffee I’d slopped over the rim of the cup. It wasn’t like me to spill, but the entire morning had been like that. I’d delivered an order to the wrong table, dropped a stack of plastic glasses, and shot ketchup across the counter when I was refilling bottles.
“Off day, hon?” Aurora asked when I met up with her during a brief lull.
“Like you wouldn’t believe,” I said, feeling off in every way.
What was wrong with me? The short answer to that question was Brian.
It had been almost two weeks since that day at the lake.
After his pointed rejection of me later that night, I’d thought everything was over between us.
I’d even tried to figure out how I could move out of his house.
But then I’d realized he was happy to be with me so long as I didn’t come between him and his job.
We spent our off time together at home and our nights in his bed.
It wasn’t ideal and I’d hoped that, in time, he’d tell me what was bothering him.
And he continued to do little things for me.
Make breakfast, rub my tired feet, kiss me on the back deck while watching the sunset.
All good, but I couldn’t help wanting more.
I wanted all of his attention, not just the little bit that he felt he could spare.
But he’d made it clear that his work came first.
“I always get dopey when it’s that time of the month,” Aurora said with a laugh. “Marc says I’m a hazard then and shouldn’t come to work.”
Time of the month? I felt everything inside me slow down.
How long had it been since I’d had a period?
I started to work my way back mentally. I’d had one not long after I found out that Seamus had stolen my money and skipped town.
I remembered the timing clearly because the injustice of having cramps on top of that had struck me. That was…too long ago.
“You just went white. What is it?” Aurora’s hand closed over my arm.
“I missed a period,” I said. Could I be pregnant? I didn’t have any of the signs that women talked about, except being a little tired, but I’d figured that was just from working so many hours on my feet.
“Okay, that’s not that unusual.” Aurora spoke in a mother’s soothing tone.
“For me, it is. I’m super regular.” Down to the minute every month.
“It could just be stress, but if you want to run to the drugstore for a test, I can cover while you’re gone.” Aurora said.
“Yeah, maybe I’d better. I…” I was already pulling off my apron, but I stopped. “You know what’ll happen if I buy a pregnancy test in town. Everyone will gossip about me, and since they know I’m living with Brian…” If I was pregnant, the child was Brian’s. There was no other possibility.
“I’ll go buy one,” Aurora volunteered. “No one will think anything of that. I’ll be back in a flash. Can you handle things?”
“Sure, and thanks,” I said and redid the ties on my apron.
I tried not to count the minutes while Aurora was gone as I forced a smile and worked the floor. Fortunately, the breakfast crowd was clearing out, and most of the tables were empty when Aurora returned with a white paper bag in her hand.
“Come with me.” Aurora headed for the office in the back. “Alex,” she called to the dishwasher. “You’ve got the floor for the next twenty minutes. Take orders and get drinks for folks.”
I saw the look of shock on the dishwasher’s face, but he also seemed excited about getting out of the steamy kitchen. He was through the swinging door seconds later.
“I may have to promote him,” Aurora said. “Come in here.” She closed the door to the office and gestured to the connected employee bathroom. “Go pee on that stick and then come back out. I’ll wait for the results with you.”
“Okay.” I went into the restroom. Normally I didn’t like being bossed around, but right then I needed Aurora’s direction because my brain was swirling. I followed the directions on the box, washed my hands, and waited for the test to show results.
“Well?” Aurora called through the door.
“I think it needs another minute.” I opened the door with the stick in my hand. I couldn’t stop staring at it, but I didn’t have to wait long. A clear plus sign showed in the indicator window. “Oh, wow,” I whispered.
“Congratulations, honey!” Aurora immediately wrapped me in a hug. “You’re going to have a baby.”
My friend was practically jumping around in her excitement. My emotions were more mixed. I put the test in the trash and sat down, trying to come to grips with how my life had just changed.
“You don’t want a kid?” Aurora asked softly, picking up on my mood.
“I do. I’ve always wanted a family.” I’d always wanted to do it right. Raise children who were secure in their parents’ love and not picked apart constantly as I had been. And I liked kids, too, especially rambunctious toddlers. Those were my favorite.
“It’s just the timing. I don’t know if I’m ready for kids. I mean, I always thought that would come after I got my life pulled together and was settled in my own business. I wanted to be financially stable and have it all figured out, you know. And I guess I thought I’d be married.”
I knew Brian cared for me, maybe even loved me, but he’d never said that he wanted more than meeting up now and again after I moved back to Austin. Would he make time in his life for our baby? Would he even want one at this point in his life?
“Are you worried about Brian? I’m guessing it’s his.”
“Has to be,” I said. “We’ve got something going, but we’re a long way from ‘let’s raise a child together.’ I have no idea what his reaction is going to be.” My mind went back over all the times we’d had sex, and I was sure he’d always worn a condom. One of them obviously broke and we didn’t notice.
“Yes, you do.” Aurora smiled at that. “You know Brian. He’s the kind of man who will be there for you and his baby, no matter what.”
“True,” I said, even as I wondered if it was really true.
He was dependable, sure, but he was there for the town first. “I’m sure he’d try to be there for us.
” Suddenly, I realized that I’d become an us as soon as I read the pregnancy results.
Me and my child together. Would that include Brian?
And how would we work it out? Because raising a child without a partner seemed daunting.
Not to mention, where would we raise the child?
I didn’t want to live in Poplar Springs, and Brian had no interest in moving back to Austin with me.
We’d have to split custody. What if he insisted that I stay in town?
I nearly shuddered at the thought. Despite how nice most people had been to me since my return, I still didn’t feel entirely comfortable here.
That may have all originated with my parents, but I couldn’t get past it.
And I didn’t want to give up the dream Mel and I had of opening our own tattoo business. Thanks in part to Brian, it looked likely that our money would get returned, which would make the dream achievable again. I didn’t want to give that up when we were so close.
“It’ll work out,” Aurora said. “I feel sure of it.”
“I hope so. I just don’t see how at the moment.” I appreciated my friend’s optimism, but I wasn’t so confident myself.
Aurora glanced at the clock. “We’ve left Alex to man the floor for too long. I’m going back out to deal with the lunch crowd. You take as long as you need.”
“I’m okay.” I stood up. “I better get back to work since I’m about to have two mouths to feed.” I went for a joking tone but didn’t quite pull it off.
The second I walked back to the front of the diner I saw Brian slide into a booth by himself.
He dropped his hat on the seat next to him and rubbed a hand over his face, seeming weighed down by something.
He was like that with his work, and I suddenly felt reluctant to add to his sense of responsibility.
“There’s my favorite waitress,” he said when I approached his table.
He smiled at me and I felt the glow from that ping inside me.
It made me think that everything could work out between us, but I knew that was a false hope.
Telling him about the baby would change everything between us.
I felt consumed by a wave of fear and knew he could see it on my face.
“What is it, darling?” He kept his voice low.
“Nothing,” I said, too brightly. “Everything’s fine.” I’d tell him soon, but not here, where other people could overhear every word that passed between us. “Are you going to be home this evening? Because there’s something we need to talk about.”
His eyes flicked over my face for a second before he stood up and grasped my wrist. Before I could react, he was pulling me through the kitchen and out into the back parking lot.
“By the look on your face, whatever it is can’t wait. What’s got you worried?” he asked, his hands resting lightly on my shoulders.
“I don’t know how to put this exactly.” I paused, gathering my strength for the two words to come.
“I’m pregnant.” I paused for a moment, waiting to see if lightning would strike or something.
When it didn’t, I continued. “I keep going through it. I’m sure you always wore a condom, right?
One of them must have broke. But it’s definitely yours. ”
“You’re pregnant.” His hold on me tightened. “Are you sure?”
“I did a test this morning. I know this isn’t what you—” I stopped when he whooped loud enough to echo off the nearby buildings.
“That’s amazing. You’re amazing,” he said before kissing me and pulling me into a hug. I gladly pressed myself against him. “God, a baby. We’re going to have a baby.”
“Brian, are you sure you’re okay with this?” His grin and obvious excitement were not what I expected. Good things made me nervous. I didn’t know how to trust them.
“You bet. I know we’ve got some things to work out, but I’m all in. I’m a little blown away, but I’m so, so happy.” He kissed me again and rested his forehead against mine. “And don’t worry, darling. We’ll figure it out. Together.”
I wanted to believe him, but I was worried about everything we’d have to sort through. Brian would be a wonderful dad, but what if, despite his best intentions, he kept choosing work over me and our baby? I was afraid of the idea of raising a child basically on my own.
My idea of family meant that the kids always came first. They were the most important thing. Brian let his work take him away so often, and I didn’t want our baby to ever think he or she came last. I’d had way too much of that while growing up, and there was no way I would do that to my own child.