17. Banana-Flavored Dicks
CHAPTER
BANANA-FLAVORED DICKS
ADAM
It’s
hard to stop looking at her.
This morning, when she was snuggled beneath the mess we made well into the night.
Pillowy lips that begged for kisses beneath the rising sun, honey freckles I could wake up to for the rest of my life.
Bear tucked behind her knees, refusing to leave her side.
The tiny boy who joined us in bed once our clothes made it back on, snuggled between us and, like me, couldn’t tear his eyes off his mama while she read him his favorite book.
And now, as she strolls ahead of me and Connor, both dogs tied around her waist, her fingertips grazing the trunk of every pine tree she passes.
She’s at home here, in these forested mountains.
I see the clarity reflected in her moss eyes after only a few minutes here, like the fresh air lifts her fog.
From his spot on my shoulders, Connor curls over my head, wrapping his arms around it. His lips press against my hat as he squeezes tight. “ Muaaah!
”
I’m not sure I’ve ever been so lucky, and more than that, I’m not sure I’ve ever felt so awake. So alive
.
Because I’ve been so fucking tired. Tired of people taking only what they want, leaving the rest behind. You can’t pick and choose parts of people; you have to want all of them. I’ve given Rosie the pieces nobody else has wanted, and she’s taken all of them with eager hands.
And somehow, that makes it scarier. Before, I only had myself to lose.
Now I have two green-eyed blondes who’d take everything of me with them if they left.
The thought makes my palms sweaty, my hands shaky.
Because at the core of my fear is the reminder that I haven’t been honest with Rosie.
That I’ve hidden a huge part of my life, all while asking her to give me everything.
I’ve done this whole thing backward. I always thought I’d have to convince someone to love all the regular parts of me after they fell for the hockey star. Now I have to convince her that, beneath it all, the hockey star is still me.
I need to give her all of me.
“Can I tell you a secret?” I whisper, looking up at Connor. “I just want to be good enough for you two, and I’m scared I won’t be. But I promise, I’m gonna try my hardest.”
He smiles at me, then rests his forehead against mine, patting my cheek. “Good Dada.”
“Thanks, buddy. I needed that.” My eyes find Rosie, watching us with a dazed smile. “Quit looking at me like that, trouble.”
“Like what?”
I press my words below her ear. “Like you want a repeat of last night on my balcony.”
She grins, teeth pressing into her pink lower lip. “You’re carrying my offspring on your shoulders. I’ll look at you however I wanna look at you.”
“Admit it. You want round two.”
“You and I both know it’s round five, at least.”
“Wanna see if we can hit double digits?”
“Wanna carry me everywhere the next day when my legs don’t work?”
“Wanna just never leave the bed?”
She grins up at me, tucking her tiny hand into mine, and I’ll never get over how perfect it feels there, the way our fingers twine together. “I wanna.” She peeks at me from beneath her lashes. “Sounds like a baby-free night might be best.”
My heartbeat trips. “Baby free?”
She winks, twirling out of my hold, and dances off toward the bridge, the dogs chasing after her.
“Baby free?” I repeat, Connor bouncing along on my shoulders as I dash after her. “Rosie! What does baby free mean?”
She ignores me, and when we finally catch up with her and she’s dishing out lunch for everyone, she’s still wearing that smug smile.
“Fuckin’ trouble,” I mutter, slipping Connor off my shoulders.
“What are you gonna do about it?”
My eyes flip to hers, flashing with heat so feral it makes her blush. She rolls her lips and turns to her backpack, and I nab a fistful of her shirt, pulling her lips to mine. “Guess you’ll have to find out.”
Connor pats our shoulders, a bubbly smile appearing between us. “Mama, Dada, kiss.”
After lunch, we stroll down to the creek, Bear and Piglet flanking Connor’s sides as he walks just ahead, his hands buried in their fur.
“I think Pig and Bear have adopted Connor,” I say.
“I think so too,” she murmurs, watching them with a smile. “I’m so happy he loves animals. And Piglet…” She shakes her head, her smile equal parts hopeful and sad. “She’s just come so far, hasn’t she? She’s so great with you and Bear, and she loves Connor so much.”
“She seems so at home out here with you.”
“With all of us. So many of her strides have happened since you came along.”
“I’m glad to be a positive part of her journey, but don’t discount all the work you’ve done with her, Rosie.”
“I’m not. Really, I’m not. But there was only so much I could do on my own, you know?
Yes, I worked hard to gain her trust, to help her feel comfortable, but we couldn’t get her near men until you.
And now look at her. She’s so carefree out here, so happy.
” Hope drains from her eyes, leaving her grieving a future she’s told herself she can’t have.
“She’s going to make some family so happy one day. ”
I squeeze Rosie’s hand in mine. “Her forever family is going to be so lucky.”
Rosie nods before focusing on the trees around us, trailing her fingertip over the bark of each tree she passes like she always does, like she’s looking for something she lost. She never offers any information, and I don’t press.
It’s her quiet time, and I’m just grateful she allows me to tag along.
Plus, there’s something rewarding about giving her the time and space to come to me herself when she’s ready.
It makes me feel worthy, and that’s a feeling I’ve been lacking the past couple of years.
“Hey.” I nudge her side. “I was thinking about you getting stuck in the rain yesterday. I’ve got an SUV in my garage, but I’m pretty partial to my truck. What if you used it to get around? Work, errands, picking up and dropping off Connor. It’d save you some time and save you from the rain.”
“Oh, no. I can’t do that.”
“Sure you can. I’m happy to lend you one of my cars if it makes life a little easier for you.”
“No, that’s not it. It’s…well…” She twirls a wave around her finger and lifts a shoulder. “I don’t know how to drive.”
“Really?”
“I have my learner’s permit, but I never actually learned how to drive.
Dad was always supposed to teach me, but…
” She shrugs. “Didn’t end up having anyone around to teach me.
” She gives me a grateful smile and a hand squeeze.
“But thank you for the offer, Adam. That’s so thoughtful of you.
The bus is just fine, and a little rain won’t hurt me. ”
Memories flood my head, weeks spent in the driver’s seat of my dad’s F-150 while I crept along quiet neighborhoods, my mom in the backseat, hanging over my shoulder and gasping every time I got a little too close to another car, or that one time
I bumped the curb. My parents waiting for me with a poster and balloons when I finished my driver’s exam, and the dinner they took me out to afterward to celebrate.
Amazing memories, but ones I don’t appreciate enough.
Because a simple coming-of-age ritual I thought every kid had…
Rosie didn’t. She didn’t have someone sitting next to her, worrying over how much gas she gave the pedal, every over-swing of the wheel, and whether she’d checked her blind spot.
She didn’t have someone watch her pull out of the driveway all on her own for the first time, someone to worry about where she was going and if she would get there safely, telling her not to be late, texting her fifteen minutes later to make sure she got there okay.
For the first time, it truly hits me how much Rosie missed out on. Can I give her back all of those experiences?
I’m so proud of her, this beautiful girl, the way she thrives despite the things she missed out on, the way she pushes herself to conquer her fears for her son.
Because when Connor wants to splash in the creek, she takes his hand and splashes with him, and when he wants to wade a little farther, she takes a steadying breath and steps forward.
“I’m going to miss this,” Rosie says when we start heading back. Connor is fading fast, his small arms thrown around my neck, head resting on my shoulder, his breathing growing shallow as he bounces along on my chest.
“Summer?”
“Summer. This. Me and you. Connor. All the time we have together. I haven’t had such an amazing summer since…
since…” She closes her eyes, giving her head a small shake.
“School starts in two weeks, and I can’t wait to get back to it, to graduate, but I know I’ll be so busy with all my rotations, and you’ll be busy at work, too, so…
I’m going to miss this. The unlimited time. The lazy days and long nights.”
My stomach twists, a heavy lump that sinks to the bottom of my stomach. Two weeks. Two weeks left of summer vacation, before Rosie goes back to school and I start training camp before our preseason games.
I don’t want to spend them lying to her.
I want to spend them loving on her, giving her all of me, getting all of her in return.
I want her at my home opener. I want her in my jersey, my name on her back.
I want Connor yelling for me, calling me whatever the hell he wants to call me.
And I want to make them proud to be a part of my life.
“Nothing will change between us, Rosie. It’ll be hard, yes, but we’ll figure it out together. We’ll start a new routine, and you’re going to fly through your last year of school. Before you know it, it’ll be spring and you’ll be a veterinarian.”
“That’s as scary as it is exciting.”
“What’s the plan after graduation?”
She grits her teeth. “I have no idea.”
“Oh, come on. You, the girl who plans everything, doesn’t know? I don’t buy that.”