19. Dipshits #2
“He was only inside for a minute when it happened. I could hear the fire trucks close by. But suddenly there was a loud crash, and every window shattered. The front door blew open, and flames spilled out. I screamed, ran through the gate to the backyard just as the trucks pulled up. Right in time for the back door to explode,” she adds on a whisper.
“It scared me, and I tripped. Over my own two feet. Fell backward, right into our pool. The sun cover was on, and I got tangled in it. I started sinking, and I couldn’t get free.
I couldn’t find my way out. I thought that was it, Adam.
I thought I was dying, and I just wanted to be with my parents.
” Rosie swipes at her eyes with the back of her wrists, sniffling.
“The next thing I remember, I was lying on our back deck, and a firefighter was giving me CPR. It was already too late for my parents.”
“Ah fuck, Rosie.” I pull her onto my lap, wrapping her around me, feeling her against me. She’s here and she’s solid, but the race of my heart reminds me how close I came to losing her, to never knowing her, and the thought is staggering.
“Hey,” she whispers, cupping my face, bringing my gaze to hers. “I’m right here. I’m okay.”
“I’m sorry,” I try, but it’s hoarse, broken.
The two words aren’t enough, but they’re all I have.
Closing my eyes, I rest my forehead against hers while I get my bearings.
I tuck her hair behind her ears, staring into the sweetest green eyes that hold so much love, compassion, strength, unending grief.
“I don’t think he was lying, Rosie. Your dad.
I know it feels that way. But he told you he’d never leave you because he never will.
You can’t see him, I know, but he’s there. Your mom too.”
“I know that; really, I do. But I was alone. So many times I wished I’d gone with them, because I was left with no one. I was all on my own, and I was only eleven.”
“What do you mean you were all alone? You had other family, right? Someone who took you in?”
She looks at me for a long moment, letting my mind work, and I know before she tells me. “I went into the foster system, Adam. Group foster. Just like you.”
There’s a tiny part of me, this small little boy who wants to jump for joy at a connection we share, but I know. I know by the lonely look that lives in the corner of her eyes, the longing that’s always there. “Our experiences were very different, weren’t they?”
She nods, a sad smile on her face. “I aged out. I sat there alone, year after year, wanting nothing more than to be chosen. I wanted my family back. I wanted any family. I just wanted to belong, to feel safe, to feel wanted. And I—” She sniffles, catching a tear the moment it drips from her eye.
“I didn’t understand why nobody wanted me.
I was such a good kid. I was always kind and respectful.
I loved school and was an A-plus student. Nobody wanted me, Adam. And still…”
“What do you mean, ‘still?’” I grip her chin when she turns away, forcing her gaze back to mine. “What do you mean, ‘still,’ Rosie?”
She sniffs, nibbling her lower lip. “I overheard Brandon today when I dropped Connor off. His friends were over, and he said…he said he would’ve never chosen to have a child with me. That I was just supposed to be temporary fun, but he was stuck with me now.”
“What a fucking dipshit,” I accidentally blurt.
“It’s my own fault for expecting more from people who’ve never given me reason to. He’s not even listed on Connor’s birth certificate, for God’s sake. I gave birth alone, because he couldn’t step up and support me in my most vulnerable moments.”
“Fuck that guy,” I bite out, blood thundering in my ears. “Rosie, fuck him
, and fuck his worthless opinion. He doesn’t know what he has, how fucking lucky
he is to have you as the mother of his child. You gave him the most beautiful gift in the world, and he’s done nothing but take it for granted. So fuck him.”
“That’s not all of it,” she whispers. “I lost my scholarship today.”
“What?”
“My teacher, she told me he—the donor—felt like taking a break for my maternity leave was my way of stating where my priorities lied. That I should’ve chosen school over staying home with Connor for the year.”
A dark, bitter chuckle leaves my throat. “You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me. That’s the most misogynistic bullshit I’ve ever heard. He pulled your scholarship because you chose your son when he needed you?”
“It’s just…For years, nobody chose me. I had no one, and I so desperately wanted a family of my own again.
Someone to love, someone to love me. And then Connor came, and by some miracle, I had it.
I had the family I’d been dreaming of. I told myself I’d always choose him, so I did.
I chose him, and honestly, I chose myself.
Because nobody else ever did it, and I wasn’t going to begin my son’s life by not putting him first, not when I have this opportunity to take this time with him.
But now, in doing so, I’ve lost the only thing I’ve been chosen for in years.
” She shakes her head, a furrow between her brows.
“I worked so hard for this, Adam. I poured my heart and soul into my education, and I’ve earned this scholarship year after year. And now…now even they don’t want me.”
“They don’t deserve you, Rosie. Nobody who treats you like this does.
” I brush my thumb over her lower lip. “I’m so sorry that somebody overlooked you when you were growing up, that they didn’t take the time to know you, to see how beautiful your heart is.
I’m sorry Brandon is a useless twat-waffle. ”
Rosie snorts a laugh, music to my damn ears after a day without it. “What’s a twat-waffle?”
“I’m honestly not sure, but my friend calls her boyfriend and brother one every time they’re being dipshits, so it felt fitting.
” She laughs again, and I smile, tasting it from her mouth.
“I’m sorry you lost your scholarship. I know how hard you’ve worked for it, and it’s not right.
We’re going to figure it out, okay? Together. ”
“There’s no figuring it out, Adam. I don’t have the money to pay for it, bottom line. I’m going to have to take the year off again and work to save up for it.”
I shake my head. “Nope. What’s option two?”
She laughs again, quietly this time, a tired, resigned sound that I hate. “I don’t have another option. I had some money after my parents passed, but I used the last of it to support Connor and me on maternity leave. There’s no other way.”
“Then I’ll help.”
“You absolutely will not,” she says firmly. When I open my mouth, she raises her brows, and I snap it shut again. “You will not, Adam Lockwood, do you hear me?”
“I don’t want you to put your dreams on hold, Rosie.”
“What’s one more year?” she murmurs, and the words sound like they hurt to say just as much as they hurt to hear.
She shifts off my lap to the seat beside me, pulling her knees into her chest. She looks so small, so vulnerable, I want to wrap her in Bubble Wrap so nothing can ever hurt her again.
“Today’s been a stark reminder that I’ve never belonged to anyone or anything.
That I’ve never been enough, never been just right to be anyone’s first choice.
” She rests her chin on her knee, staring off at nothing.
“Maybe it’s less about being someone’s first choice, and more about being loved, being loved enough to be
someone’s first choice. She shrugs. “No one has ever loved me enough to make me their first choice.”
“Hey.” I take her hands in mine, pulling her back to me.
“We’ll never be right for everyone, but we’ll be perfect for the right person.
And when that person comes along, there is no choice.
It just…is. We exist exactly the way we are, with exactly the right people, because there is no other way to be. ”
I press my lips to hers, and she opens without hesitation, her fingers sliding tenderly through my hair as she sighs against my mouth.
“I want you, Rosie. I want all of you. And there is no other choice.”