21. We Used Seven Condoms #2
We know where you live, Lockwood. Nobody ignores Cara Brodie and lives to talk about it.
Jennie
Our man def journeyed to Pussy Palace last night. Might’ve gotten lost there too.
Olivia
I just wanna know if she treated you right.
Oh! Did you try that move from the audiobook? You know the scene, where she’s on her hands and knees???
Jennie
I feel like Adam’s a freak between the sheets. It’s always the quiet ones, you know?
Cara
If we don’t hear from you in the next ten seconds, I cannot be held responsible for my actions. Do you hear me, Lockwood? I. CANNOT. BE. HELD. RESPONSIBLE. FOR. MY. ACTIONS.
This motherfucker is going down.
Jennie
**Rosie-fucker
I tuck my phone away like I’ve been doing all day, because I can’t deal with these three right now.
My head hurts when I think about Rosie. It means acknowledging the mistakes I’ve made, the ways I’ve failed her, and I’m not sure I’m ready to face a version of me who’s been anything other than honest.
Scrubbing a hand over my mouth, I spin away from my friends, tossing an excuse over my shoulder about needing some air. I’m not surprised when I hear the door open behind me a few seconds after it closes, but I am a little surprised to see Jaxon take a seat beside me on the bench out front.
He hands me a bottle of water. “You okay?”
“Yeah. Fine.”
He huffs a laugh, looking down at his feet. “You know, I suck at relationships, but when a woman says she’s fine, she’s almost always lying.”
“I’m not a woman.”
“But you’re not fine, either, are you?”
I glance at my friend, the easy way he sits there, like he doesn’t have a care in the world. “Do you really want to know?”
“Sure. I’m here, aren’t I? Plus, you look like you’re gonna puke, so you should probably do it before you get behind that camera.”
Bracing my elbows on my thighs, I focus on the water bottle in my hands, picking mindlessly at the paper label. “I’m in love with Rosie.”
“Yeah, I figured that much. You talk about her all the time, and you’re constantly grinning at your phone like a high school girl texting her crush. Or Carter texting Olivia. Garrett and Jennie too.” He sighs. “And Emmett and Cara. You guys all suck, to be honest.”
I laugh but finish with a sigh, dragging my hands through my hair. “I really fucked up, man.”
“With Rosie? I thought last night went well.”
“It did. It was great. Perfect. She’s…she’s fucking perfect. It’s just…something changed last night. She opened up about some serious stuff, some vulnerable shit that’s just…awful. Not fair. She hasn’t had an easy life, and she sat there and told me all about it.”
“Are you feeling bad about having sex after that? Because she was vulnerable?”
My knee bounces, and I squeeze the water bottle.
The words are on the tip of my tongue, but I keep trying to swallow them down.
I’ve never been so careless, so selfish, and I can’t accept that the one time I was, it was to somebody who means so much to me, somebody I’ve never wanted to hurt.
“I’m feeling bad because she’s given me everything, and I lied to her. ”
Jaxon hesitates, then hangs his head. “You still haven’t told her.”
“No.”
“ Dude
.”
“I know. Fuck.” I drop my exhausted face to my hands. “ Fuck
, I’m such an asshole. I feel sick about it. It’s gone on so long now, way longer than I ever planned.”
“Why, man? Why’d you let it get this far? Fuck, Adam, you could’ve been outed by anyone at any time. Training camp starts soon, and then preseason games. What were you gonna tell her when you were out of the country?”
My stomach churns. “I was just…scared. Fucking terrified. Being Adam Lockwood, NHL goalie, has brought me nothing but trouble. I just wanted to be me. And that’s all I was to Rosie.
I’ve never had to worry about her wanting me for anything other than me.
Never had to worry about her lying to make me like her. It was easy. Fuck, it was just… nice
.”
“I get it, Adam, I do. But you realize that everything you were worried about her doing to you, you turned around and did to her, don’t you? You lied to her because you wanted her to like you.”
What I’ve been doing has never been lost to me, and maybe that makes it worse. All this time I’ve been terrified about being deceived. Turns out I’m the only one doing the deceiving.
My throat burns, and a headache knocks at my temples. “What if she doesn’t forgive me?”
“Aw, man.” Jaxon squeezes my shoulder. “She will, buddy. I know she will. You’re still the same guy you’ve always been to her.
Just richer, and famous.” He sighs, spinning the hat on his head.
“Look, man, you just gotta come clean. Be honest with her, and don’t hold back.
Chicks love that shit, when you’re vulnerable with them.
Tell her why you were scared, apologize, ask her to forgive you, and then move forward. ”
“It’s that easy, huh?”
“The solution? Yeah, it is. I think honesty pretty much always works. But stepping up and being honest when you haven’t been? Not so easy.”
“Fucking tell me about it. I kept telling myself I’d tell her everything, but the longer it went on, the harder it got.
I liked the life we created, like we were in our own little bubble.
I wanted to hold onto it just a little longer.
Now the thought of telling her—after everything she’s given me, especially after last night—feels impossible. ”
The sound of the doors opening has both our heads swiveling. One of the assistants pops her head out. “You’re up, Adam.”
Jaxon stands, squeezing my shoulder. “Talk to Rosie. Be honest with her. It’ll work out.”
I don’t normally put much stock in Jaxon’s relationship advice, but this time I’m determined for him to be right.
It’ll work out, because there’s no other choice.
Rosie belongs in my life, and I’m going to make sure she stays there.
I know this means getting vulnerable, opening up about insecurities I’ve been fighting against. But Rosie has given me so much, trusted me with her secrets, her fears, her heart, and most precious of all, her son.
She’s trusted me with all of it, even when it wasn’t easy for her to do so.
She’s been so much stronger than I have. This time, I’m going to be strong.
That’s what I’m telling myself as I walk back inside. It’s all that’s on my mind as I sit down in front of the cameras, turn on the Adam Lockwood charm everyone loves.
We do these preseason interviews every year, at the end of summer when everyone’s gathering back in Vancouver to get ready for training camp.
It’s the same questions every time: What did you get up to this summer, how are you preparing for the upcoming season, what are your hopes for the season and for the team?
Each interview ends with the reporter trying to dig up what people really care about—something about our personal lives.
For most of the guys, it’s a chance to brag on their families.
Carter brought a stack of pictures of his daughter to show off, and even though he’s the last interview, everybody’s already seen every picture at least twice today.
Garrett nearly brought the engagement ring he’s planning on giving to Jennie, until he realized she’d be watching the interview when it airs in a couple weeks.
Instead, I watched him beam from ear to ear while he told the journalist all about the house he and Jennie just moved into, the dance studio she’s been working so hard at getting ready to open.
My friends are happy, and I love watching them brag on the people that make them that way. But I’m happy, too, and I’m tired of not being able to brag on the two people who make me this way, the ones that matter most to me.
“How do your parents feel about you re-signing with Vancouver for another eight years?” Chuck, the sports journalist, asks. “Word on the street is your dad was hoping you’d take Colorado up on their offer.”
Laughing, I skim my hand along my jaw. “Yeah, my parents would have loved to have me back home. My mom said something about me moving back in with them. But my heart is here in Vancouver, and my parents know that. I’m working on convincing them to relocate, but then Garrett wouldn’t have someone to send him over snack packages from the States. ”
Chuck laughs. “Yeah, he mentioned something about Dunkaroos and special edition Pop-Tarts. But let’s circle back to what you said just now.”
“That I’m trying to convince my parents to move here?”
“Aw, c’mon now, Lockwood. You know that’s not what everyone wants to know.”
I smile at my lap, rubbing the nape of my neck. I know where this is going, because nearly every interview not game related goes down this road at some point.
“You said your heart is here in Vancouver.” Chuck holds up his hands in surrender the second my mouth opens.
“Now I know, I know. It’s only meant to explain that you belong here.
But I’ll have a lot of angry women on my hands later on if I don’t ask the question everyone wants the answer to, especially since the NHL’s resident serial dater seems to have completely disappeared off the dating scene in recent months. ”
Chuck taps his pen off the papers in front of him, grinning. “So, Mr. Lockwood, everyone wants to know…is there someone special in your life?”