33. I Think I’ve Transcended
CHAPTER
I THINK I’VE TRANSCENDED
ADAM
I wasn’t expecting this.
Fuck
, I was not
expecting this.
I race around my room, tossing dirty clothes in the hamper, scrubbing at the scuff on the bathroom mirror, washing away the drop of toothpaste that fell to my sink right before I left for my game.
I hear Rosie say a final goodnight to Connor down the hall, the click of his bedroom door, and I throw myself on top of my bed, tugging at the covers to make them look neat and tidy.
Fucking figures, the one time I’m running late and don’t have time to clean before leaving my house, Rosie comes home with me.
The bedroom door opens when I’m mid–karate chop on a pillow, and when my gaze collides with Rosie’s amused one, I stop. Gently, I finish fluffing the pillows, then prop myself up on my side, my cheek on my fist, elbow on the mattress.
“Hey.”
“What are you doing?” she asks, and every step she takes closer to me sends my heart into overdrive.
“I was just…I was…cleaning,” I finish on a sigh, taking a moment to starfish on the bed before hopping off it, joining her at my nightstand. “I didn’t have time to clean before I left for hockey, and I didn’t want you to think I’m messy.”
“Adam, I’m so
messy.”
“Yeah, but your mess is organized chaos. Mine is just…” I circle a hand around the mess on my nightstand, searching for the word I’m looking for, but all hope is lost when I see what I’ve left on the table. “Oh shit.”
Rosie’s gaze follows mine, and when I try to step in front of the table, she elbows me out of the way. “What’s this?”
“What’s what?”
She holds up the book from my nightstand. “This.”
I swallow down the nerves that want to eat me alive. Just when I was feeling so confident thirty minutes ago too. “I’ve been doing a little light reading.”
“Light reading?” She turns the book over in her hands. “ Co-Parent, Not Stepparent: How to throw out the labels and support your partner so you can be the best co-parent you can be.
”
“Okay, well, you didn’t have to read the title out loud.” Geez.
“How long have you had this?”
I rub the back of my neck. “A little while. I wanted to be perfect for you and Connor if you ever gave me a second chance.”
She stares at me for a long moment, her throat bobbing. Then, she points at the colored sticky tabs and highlighter on my nightstand. “And those?”
I clear my throat into my first. “I, uh…I’ve been tabbing the important parts. So I can go back to them later.”
“You’ve been annotating a book about how to be a good partner and stepfather?”
“Yeah, I guess. Well, I mean, the book says one of the most important things is to scrap the stepparent label. You’re supposed to love the kid as if they’re your own. But that’s easy, because, hello, I already do love Connor like he’s my own.”
Tears well in Rosie’s eyes, and they make me frantic. I want to stop them, so I open the drawer and pull out my pen and notebook.
“I have this little notebook. Sometimes I get questions when I’m reading, and I write them down so I can ask you later.
” Shame creeps up my neck, uncertainty pulling the notebook into my chest, hiding it.
“That’s weird. I’m saying it out loud and hearing how weird that sounds.
You might not have wanted to get back together. And if you did—”
“I do.”
I swallow again. “You might not want me to be that involved. You two already have a family. You might not need me, not the same way I need you.”
Rosie looks at me, this crease in her eyebrow like she’s trying to process the words. She closes her eyes, gives her head this tiny shake, then steps forward, taking the notebook from my hands, lacing her fingers through mine. “We need you.”
“You do?”
“Of course. But more than we need you, Adam, we want
you.”
My chest pulls taut, threatening to break open from the strain of my thrashing heart.
“Really? Because I’ve never wanted anything the way I want you and Connor, Rosie.
Not a single thing, not even hockey. I want to be your partner, and I want to do all the things together.
The adventurous things and the quiet, lazy things.
I want to do all the happy things, and all the sad, hard things, too, as long as I’m doing them with you.
I want to keep loving Connor exactly the way I do, like he’s mine, ours
, because he fucking feels like it. That kid owns my heart, and there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t hope one day Dada
won’t just be a name he calls me because it’s a phase, but because I’m the man he can count on to be there for him all the damn time.”
“Oh my God,” Rosie murmurs. “I love you.”
My racing heart skids to a stop. “You what?”
Her eyes widen, and she lets go of my hands. She steps back, and I step forward. “I-I-I…I have to shower!” She spins, racing into the bathroom, slamming the door behind her.
I stare at it for three seconds before I go after her.
Rosie’s pacing the room, eyes closed, fingers pressed to her temples. I’m certain she doesn’t even hear me enter, not above the roar of the shower and her incessant chanting.
“Think with your brain, not with your tits. Think with your brain, not with your tits. Think with your brain, not with your tits.” She throws her arms in the air. “I mean, seriously, Rosie, it’s not that damn hard!”
“Why?”
Rosie squeals, spinning to me. “Adam. You heard that.”
“Why?” I repeat, backing her against the counter.
Her eyes bounce between mine as she fumbles for something to grab onto, something that isn’t me. “Why what?”
“Why do you love me?”
“Oh, that
?” She waves a flappy hand through the air, gigging anxiously.
“Psssh. That was so silly. I love you? Yeah, I say that all the time. Bus driver? ‘Hey, thanks for the ride, dude. I love you!’ Cashier at the grocery store? ‘Thanks for bagging my groceries! Love ya!’” Another shrill giggle, and fuck me
, I love her hot mess express side.
“Why?” My hand goes to her jeans, and her stomach jumps as I skim the waistband.
“Gimme the reasons,” I murmur as I pop the button, slowly dragging the denim over her full hips, down her luscious thighs.
Christ, she’s already wet for me, and we haven’t even begun.
The dark spot in the center of those dusty rose panties begs me to taste her, to dive my tongue inside her and lick her clean.
And I plan to.
Tonight, I’m taking her back.
Tonight, I’m fucking done
with slow.
My palms skate up her sides, over her hips and the dip in her waist, dragging her shirt up, guiding her arms above her head as she lets me slip it right off. I reach around her back, flicking the clip on her bra, a guttural groan rumbling in my chest as her perfect, full tits spring free.
Our gazes crash as I scrape my thumbs over her tight nipples, her breath sputtering past her lips.
“Reasons, Rosie. Now.”
“I don’t feel alone anymore,” she blurts, then licks her lip, watching as my fingers creep down her belly. Her eyes flip back to mine. “And it’s not about having someone. It’s about having you
. It’s about knowing you’re my partner, not just a warm body at my side.
It’s the good morning texts and showing up at the bus stop because it’s raining.
It’s running me a bath and forcing me to unwind while you spend time with Connor.
It’s double-checking my Starbucks order in case the cooler weather has made me want a warm drink instead of an iced one.
It’s my favorite tea in your cupboards and a fresh T-shirt waiting for me to slip on for bed.
It’s loving my son like he’s your own, accepting both of us without hesitation.
” Her lashes flutter, voice lowering. “It’s naming the scholarship after the house I grew up in, peonies beneath my parents’ tree marking and peonies in your front yard, just so I know my parents are with me.
Because I feel you everywhere, Adam, even when you’re not here. ”
Something shutters in her eyes, a hesitancy that tames my hunger for a moment.
I rest my forehead against hers. “What are you afraid of, Rosie?”
“Losing you,” she whispers. “Connor’s is the only love I’ve ever got to keep.”
“You can keep mine. It belongs to you.”
“Promise?”
“Swear it.” I hoist her onto the counter, pull off her panties, and spread her legs wide, running two fingers along her drenched slit as she sighs.
“Love how fucking wet you get for me,” I murmur as I dip my fingers, smearing her wetness over her clit.
I sink my hand in her hair and pull her gaze to mine.
“Now tell me again, and not the way you tell the bus driver.”
She takes my face in her hands, and the love swimming in those sage eyes nearly knocks me to my knees. “I love you, Adam. For everything you are.”
I close my eyes as her words seep into my skin, a warmth that spreads through me.
I know this feeling. I felt it when Mom and Dad asked me if I wanted to go home with them, if I wanted to be a part of their family.
When they promised to love me forever, and proved it time and time again when I messed up.
I didn’t have to do anything to earn their love. They just chose me, day in and day out.
And that’s what Rosie’s doing now. She’s choosing me.
All of me.
“Thank you,” I choke out.
“For what?”
“Loving me.”
“Adam.” She sweeps her thumb beneath my eye, coaxing my heavy gaze back to hers.
“Loving you came so naturally, like all these years I’d been saving it just for you, and when you walked into my life, all I wanted to do was hand you my heart and tell you to take it.
So kiss me, please, because I’m ready to give it all to you. ”
I’ve waited too long for this, a partner to walk through life with, a love I haven’t had to earn but simply deserved. Because, fuck, we all deserve to be loved without condition.