35. Chapter 35
A ria
His voice, a whisper of rough silk and wonder, washed over her.
There was a tremor in it, something she hadn't heard before.
His low, textured bass curled around her name like velvet over steel.
He spoke softly, like warm molasses overflowing, sending a tremor straight to the juncture of her thighs.
There was a gravelly undercurrent, as if every word had been dragged through smoke and sleepless nights before it reached her.
A kind of reverence.
"Sweetheart?" he tried again.
She couldn't speak.
"Say something," he whispered, like a man on the verge of breaking. "I've been lost without you, baby."
It took her a moment. She closed her eyes and swallowed past the lump in her throat. "Cris..."
The sound that came through was a soft, wrecked sigh. Then silence followed by stuttered breath, a muffled sniff.
"I want to see you," he said, sounding hoarse. "Can I come over? Please. "
That please had been dragged up from somewhere deep and frayed inside him.
Aria gripped the phone tighter. "Cris, I need to say something."
"Okay."
"I'm going to Oxford for a bit. To Lule's. I know you've got a lot going on."
She paused before asking the question that was dragged from her, even though she promised herself she would keep her distance. "Are you alright?"
"Not really," he murmured. "But...I will be."
She bit her lip. "Don't call, okay? I don't think I can take it right now. But I'll try to reply to your messages."
"Alright," he said softly.
She took a breath, steadying herself for what was to come. "Now I'm going to tell you something, and I need you to not interrupt, no matter what. Just listen."
Another pause. "I'm listening."
"We're very different people, Crispin. I didn't realise how different until I saw the divide that night. "
Silence.
"Cris, you need to think very carefully about what you want before you make any hasty decisions. I'm not stupid; I know things are hard. You need to take care of yourself, just like I'm going to take care of myself."
She inhaled. "If you decide you don't want to give us a real chance, I need you to do one thing for me.
I need you to call me before you commit to someone else, before it becomes real with someone else.
Break up with me properly before you fall in too deep.
I won't make a fuss. Can you do that for me? "
Still no answer.
"Hello?" she said, suddenly unsure if he was still there.
Then came a sound-a short, disbelieving laugh.
"You don't understand, do you?" Crispin said. His voice sounded like he had been dragged over hot coals. "How can I blame you? I've given you no reason to think otherwise. What do the kids call it now? A situationship? That's what you must think we had. "
He exhaled sharply. "You don't understand that you're my first thought when I wake up. That you're the one I think of when I take a breather between meetings. That I'm reading briefs, but my mind's already off with you somewhere-laughing, curled up on that ancient couch of yours, watching Netflix."
He sounded like he was pacing, like the words were clawing their way out of him.
"You're the last thing in my head before I fall asleep.
And then I dream of the line of your neck, the smooth skin of your back.
I dream of kissing the calluses on your hands, those same hands that brought up a remarkable woman like Lule.
Of running my fingers through your hair while you're pretending you're not falling asleep after a rough day at work. "
His voice deepened with emotion. "I wake up, and I swear to God I can still smell the skin between your breasts. I'm lost in you. You're my drug, Aria. And I can't-" He broke off for a moment. "I am hopelessly in love with you. I won't recover from you. Do you think anyone else could compare?"
Her hand trembled.
"Have faith in me, Aria," he said, fiercely gentle. "I'm trying to be a better man, not the entitled arsehole who looked at you five years ago and couldn't look away."
They both fell quiet .
But it wasn't the kind of silence that pressed down with unspoken things. This one was strangely comfortable. Aria could hear his breathing through the line, steady and low. And instinctively, she knew he was listening with rapt attention to hers, too.
Aria felt the vibration of Crispin's bass voice come through, firmer than before.
"I'll call you one week after my birthday," he said. "Please pick up."
She closed her eyes and whispered, "Okay."
The silence stretched again, weighted now with bittersweet parting. She could hear the quiet rustle of his shirt, the creak of leather under his fingers.
Then, after a beat, he said, almost to himself, "I'm going to put the phone down now. Because if I don't, I'm going to pick up my coat, walk out the door, and come to you. And then I'll stop you from leaving for Oxford and putting more space between us."
A pause. Then his voice dropped, hoarse and breaking. "I feel you are slipping away from me, and I have no way of stopping the tide. But I need to let you do this because you won't let me take care of you...and I know that Lule is the one person you trust enough to let her in."
He exhaled, a note drenched in pain. "And that hurts so much, Aria. It kills me that I'm not your person...but I will be. "
She pressed her palm to her heart as if it might stop it from shattering yet again.
But she held her tongue.
Because in that moment, neither of them had words big enough for what sat between them.
Only the line remained and the silence. And the sound of goodbye, not said but felt.