Chapter 52 #2
“Imagine you were leaving Maplecrest tomorrow. Where would you go?”
Davian looked at me as if this simple question had left him speechless.
“I...” His mouth remained slightly open, his lips twitching as if he were trying to grasp words that were beyond his reach. “...don’t know.”
“You’ve never even thought about it?”
“Yes, but...” His hand wandered to the steering wheel, where he rested it. “Sometimes it's better to bury things before they even get a chance to be born.”
I wished Mama had done that.
Had Davian ever had such thoughts? After all, he didn't know his parents, had fluttered out into the world as a blank sheet of paper. A privilege he would never see as such.
But what did he dream of now? What were his wishes for the future? All I knew was that he would have new goals. I would make sure of that.
“You should make a bucket list.” Without hesitation, I pulled the leather bag from the footwell in front of my seat. “Things you absolutely must do before you kick the bucket.”
“Wouldn't you be the one who needs something like that?”
We both smirked as I rummaged through my backpack for a spiral notebook and one of my fine-tip pens.
“To be honest, I feel like I've already lived more than you have.”
Davian stared, the way he did so well, and I began to scribble a messy headline at the top of the page.
Davian's Bucket List
“Sometimes I don't know if your way of opening my eyes should fill me with gratitude or frustration.”
My concentrated smile turned into a grin, and I pressed the bunny closer to my chest so that the notebook would have room on my knees.
“You could start by making this bucket list with me, and once you've worked through it, you can tell me if you're still frustrated.” I underlined the headline before looking at him expectantly. “Tell me... What's in the coffin of Davian's buried dreams?”
He thought for a moment.
“I'm afraid... nothing special.”
I raised an eyebrow and leaned back, narrowing my eyes.
“That's not how it works.”
He gave me an apologetic look.
“Okay. Let's try this…” Searching my memory, I began chewing on the end of my pen. “Imagine that it didn’t matter what your life looks like right now, and nothing would hold you back.”
“If I had more time, I would finally finish one of the gifts for Lara in the workshop.”
“That's a start.”
Willing to create a complete, if for now small, list for him, I wrote down point number one before looking up with a critical gaze.
“But what do you long for?”
“There isn't much I long for…”
Davian stared at my knees.
“What did little Davian long for?”
He smiled with an absent-minded look. And in that moment, for a split second, I thought I saw the little boy I had already held in my arms.
“He wanted to sleep by the sea under the stars and send a message in a bottle.”
The smile stole onto my lips unbidden, and the mere thought of it made a tender knot form in my stomach as I noted down two new points for him.
“I would have gotten along well with little Davian.”
Captivated by the idea of what my childhood would have been like with Davian as a playmate, I scribbled little symbols on the list.
“Little Davian was the quietest kid in school and never had any friends because he was either labeled a nerd or a little parentless loner.”
I paused, looking at the man in front of me, who talked about it as if it didn't affect him in the slightest. But if that were the case, he would never have started writing.
“Little Davian definitely needed a hug.”
Now he looked me straight in the eye, making the pulsating lump in my chest freeze for a moment.
“Believe me, we would have been cool friends.”
Before I could get lost in his stare, I gave him an encouraging smile and drew a dot for the next point.
“Okay…” Ignoring his stare was like trying to ignore a misaligned object in a tidy room. “Is there one thing you’d like to try out? Any hobbies you’d like to get into?”
The moment I looked up, he broke out of his stare and looked out the window again, lost in thought.
“Origami has haunted me for as long as I can remember. But I stopped doing it at some point.”
The occasional paper cranes in his study and office were the only clues to this unusual hobby. And one of these paper birds also made it onto the list, in the form of a doodle.
“Now imagine that no one would judge you.” Our eyes met. “Think of something forbidden that you would do.”
The moment I uttered the words, I regretted my phrasing.
Images of us raced through my mind. Images of forbidden things that I would like to do. With him…
Davian stared again. This time more lost than ever before. His glassy eyes fixed on mine.
I swallowed and his gaze immediately wandered to my throat. Until I pursed my lips and looked away, embarrassed.
He cleared his throat.
“Sometimes, when I lie awake at night, I think about burning all my law books.”
My eyes widened, and I looked back at him in disbelief.
“Oh.” I immediately put the pen to paper. “My.” Hastily, I began to write. “God.”
“Please don’t write that down.”
There was regret in Davian’s voice.
“Too late.”
My grin was diabolical. I could literally feel the flames blazing in my eyes.
What I wouldn't give to turn my father's law library into Lucifer's inferno. Even if that purgatory would never have the power to cleanse me of my past. For the moment, for one more breath in which I truly lived, I would light the match.
“If anyone finds this list...”
“That won't happen.”
His stare confirmed that I must look like the devil himself.
Undeterred, I made a note behind this point.
“Eat pizza on a rooftop. To Bryan Adams music.”
I paused.
What?
Hesitantly, I searched his eyes for confirmation that he had really just said that.
“You gave Lara a wonderful youth. One that I never had.” He looked away, biting his lower lip. “I would like to know what it feels like to do things like that. Without a second thought. At least once.”
I needed a moment to write down the next point.
Did he want to do it alone or... with me?
The moths in my stomach attacked me without warning and a gentle flicker traveled through every cell in my body.
He didn't say anything. Pull yourself together. This is his bucket list.
Was it wrong that I wanted to be part of his memories? That I wanted to be there when he collected the most beautiful moments of his life?
A knot formed in my stomach.
That would never happen.
A glance upward revealed that Davian was staring at his keychain, which gave me an idea that I didn't know why I hadn't thought of earlier.
Quickly, I jotted down the next point, grinning mischievously.
“What are you writing down there?”
Davian's right eyebrow rose higher than the other.
“Just something we both know you desperately need to do.”
He reached for my notebook, but I playfully tapped his finger with my pen and pulled the notebook against my chest... or rather, against Ink.
“Uh-uh. Let yourself be surprised.”
Davian narrowed his eyes, gave me a mock hostile look, and I had to look down so he wouldn't see the heat wave that was washing over my face at that moment.
“Is there a place you'd like to travel to?”
He hesitated again, and I caught myself hanging on his every word.
“Somewhere quiet. Together with another author.” The corners of my mouth turned up and the pleasant tingling in my stomach intensified. “Where we write all the time. Just write.”
The mere fact that he wanted to write again filled me with pride for a moment.
I had achieved something. For the first time in my life, I had achieved something I could be truly proud of. Sure, it wasn't a declaration of love for writing, but it was a start I could work with.
“I'll take that as an invitation.”
I flashed him a triumphant smile.
Sometimes I really went too far.
“That really is a start,” I said quickly, finishing my last doodle before I tore out the page and handed it to him. “Here. Your first official bucket list. Promise me you’ll work your way through it.”
Davian read through everything as if it were a damn contract that could determine the High Court's verdict on judgment day. Suddenly, he raised both eyebrows.
“I will definitely not burn any law books.”
My grin was back.
Only one thing he had criticized so far.
“Does that mean you'll publish a book and travel to Canada with me?”
The smile that had just formed on his lips, for whatever reason, froze. He lowered the list. Much too slowly. It took him far too long to meet my gaze.
“Quill...”
No. Whatever he was about to say, I felt deep inside my bones that he shouldn’t do it, even though he had every right to draw a line. Even though he always made the most sensible decisions.
I slammed the notebook shut, shoved it into my backpack along with the bunny and the rest of the gummies, and adjusted myself to sit properly in the passenger seat, like a decent human being.
“Let's go home. Lara is probably already waiting for the ingredients for lunch.”
Davian hesitated, and I feared that for the first time, he would not leave it at that. That I secretly wasn't afraid of this was signaled by the dull tugging in my stomach as he buckled his seatbelt and turned the car's ignition key.
As always, he did the right thing. And as always, it hurt like hell.
A child.
That's what I am when I sit next to you,
captivated by the gleam in your eyes.
A little boy staring into the light of a candle,
remembering what it means to dream.
And every time, it makes me forget everything
that's written on the paper between us.
And all that remains is the girl
who wants to show me Wonderland.
– Leaking Batteries Diary