Chapter Sixteen
MARLEY
MAISEY STANDS still as I scrub the brush over her shoulder and back. I’ve learned she really enjoys rolling in the dirt area of the paddock, probably rubbing off some of her leftover winter fur.
“You could at least roll in the dry dirt.” I mumble to her and pat her neck at the same time. Some of the dirt dried to her fur falls off in small clumps and I breathe in the fine dust flying close to my face, making me sneeze and my eyes water.
I sniff and wipe the moisture from my eye with the back of my hand. The fact that I barely slept last night doesn’t help my tired eyes.
After Jax left yesterday, Mason told me I was being too hard on him. At first, I acted like a jealous girlfriend and accused him of choosing Jax over me, but then he told me about the times he witnessed Jax lose it with pedophiles and traffickers because he hates them so much.
When I asked him for more details, he told me all he knew was Jax lost his mother and sister when he was young. I tried to pry more info from him, but I could tell he was telling me the truth when he told me he didn’t know.
Jax told me the other night that he lost them to some evil men, but when I considered that they could have been the same sort of men as Keith and his father, I felt like the biggest heal in the world.
So, I replayed the entire day in my head all night long. Feeling more and more guilty with each passing minute.
Jax didn’t come back last night, and I realized it was strange to me he wasn’t here. I think the most surprising thing was I was worried he might never come back, which made my stomach upset. I even tried to pinpoint when I started expecting him to be here every day.
His visits to the ranch have been more frequent in the last six months, they have also become longer with each visit. To be honest, when we sat down at the dinner table last night and the chair he’s been sitting in was empty, I lost my appetite.
I miss him.
When he left yesterday, he hung his helmet on one of the fence posts and I lost count of how many times I’ve looked at that helmet today to see if his bike has shown up.
Maisey huffs and shifts her hindquarters to move into the brush I’m scratching over her hip and quarters. “You like that girl?” I chuckle as I scratch her back with my fingers.
Trying to figure out what I’m exactly mad about is part of what is driving me crazy; that, unbidden, he defended me and made sure two men who nearly ruined my life never hurt me again, or that he killed them.
Mason doesn’t share his work with me often, but he told me yesterday that they sometimes recover missing women and children.
He confirmed that they kill people like that all the time.
Mason has never said that outright before, but deep in my heart, I’ve always known that his job includes pulling the trigger. He’s a sniper, and a very good one.
He’s one of the most important people in my life. Why am I not mad at him for doing the same thing?
Because this feels personal. Because, on some level, I feel remotely responsible for their deaths.
He only wants to protect me. Right? What he did wasn’t from a dark place, it was from a place of protection.
Right?
That leads me into my next thoughts that had me lying awake, staring at the ceiling. A man doesn’t kill another man for a woman he only thinks of as a friend. A man does that for someone he cares about. Does Jax have those kinds of feelings for me?
Over the past few weeks, I have become familiar with some of the things he says and I can sometimes string together a few words to make something make sense.
What he said yesterday had some similar words, but I can’t put it all together.
“Uvek c?u se pobrinuti da bude? siguran.”
All I can piece together is that he will always do something. But what? Based on the context, was he saying he will kill for me? Do I want that?
As I unhook Maisey from the cleaning stall and lead her over to her stall, I hear a motorcycle in the distance. I don’t miss how my heart jumps in my chest and all my anger from yesterday dissolves into a warmer feeling of relief and eagerness to see him.
After I get Maisey settled, I walk to the big door that faces the house and my two paddocks and see Jax walking down the incline toward me. He’s in his usual black fatigues and boots, his t-shirt is stretched across his chest, molding to each dip and curve of his pecks.
He looks freshly shaved, but there are dark circles under his eyes, and I wonder if he was awake all night, too. Do I do that to him? His hands are fisted at his sides, the veins in his forearms bulge under the skin.
His ice-blue eyes are locked on me as he stalks in my direction. My heart flutters faster the closer he gets, and I wonder if this is what it feels like to have feelings for someone. Is this what everyone else feels?
What if he’s coming to tell me he’s leaving and won’t be back? What if he hates me now? The thought manifests in a painful twist that shoots to the center of my chest.
My heart squeezes and the backs of my eyes sting as panic nearly crushes my chest, making it so I can barely get a full breath. Trying to stop the trembling in my fingers, I curl them into my palms and remind myself that I’m standing in front of my stable and there is a tree next to me.
Maisey huffs inside her stall behind me like she can feel my distress and I count to ten in my head. When he’s just within arm’s reach, he stops, and I suck in a breath to wait and see what he’s going to say.
His eyes roam over my face, and he tilts his head to the side. “I’m sorry, Lepa, I should not have said the things I said to you yesterday. I am not sorry for what I did to those men, I will always make sure you are safe, but tell me if you want me to go and I will go.”
The breath lodged in my lungs rushes out in one big flutter, my chest deflating. His accent is thick, I don’t think I’ve ever heard it quite that thick, and I swallow the lump in my throat. “Tell me what you said yesterday.” I clumsily repeat back what he said.
One side of his lips tick up and he lifts his hand to slide his knuckles down my cheek. “I already told you, I will always make sure you are safe.”
I nod as my eyes fill with tears. “I don’t want you to go.”
He curls his fingers around my neck, his thumb sliding across my skin to my ear. “Then I won’t go.”
“Brana?” Saying his given name out loud feels strange, but I like the feeling of intimacy between us because of it.
“Yes, Lepa.”
Curling my fingers over his forearm, I lean my face into his palm. “I’m sorry I got so angry with you.”
He shakes his head. “Don’t apologize to me, you never have to apologize to me.”
My arms go around him before I even think about what I’m doing, squeezing his ribcage.
With my cheek pressed against his chest, I close my eyes and inhale leather, soap, and the unique smell of Jax.
His arms go around me, squeezing me to him, a large hand splays across my back and the other cups the back of my head, and I feel like I’m in the safest place in the world.
“I have a confession to make.” He says into my hair on top of my head.
“Hmm?”
“Even if you told me you wanted me to leave, I couldn’t do it. I can’t leave you.”
“Good. I worried all night that you might not come back.”
He slides his hands across my back and grabs my arms to hold me in front of him. I look up and he locks his eyes on me, pressing his forehead to mine. “Next time, instead of losing sleep, call me and I will soothe your worries.”
Taking an unsure breath, I squeeze his arm. “Can I ask you something?”
He nods as his eyes volley between mine.
Clearing my throat, I steal myself for asking a personal question that I might not have any right to ask. “You can tell me if it’s none of my business, but what happened to your mom and sister?”
All tenderness falls from his face and he straightens, making me tip my head back to look up at him, and I curse my need to ask.
“I-I’m sorry. I thought about what you said the other night, and Mason told me how much you hate men like that, so I wondered what happened.
” I try to take a respectful step back, but his hands tighten on my arms, keeping me close.
His chest lifts with a sigh and his head tilts to the side again. “Because I don’t want to keep anything from you, I will tell you I lost my mother and my little sister, Niki, to the same type of men who hurt you.”
My heart breaks for him, and the lump is back in my throat. “I’m so sorry, Brana, I…”
An explosion stops me from finishing my thought, and I yelp as I instinctively duck. Jax curls his body around me, pushing me into a squat, and walks me into the stables. I hear my horses whinny and my gelding that I just got calm in the past few days kick his stall.
Holding me against his side furthest away from the door, he keeps his back against the wall. “Are you okay?”
I still have my hands over my ears and nod.
“Words, Lepa.”
“Yeah, yes, I’m okay.”
He moves to the edge of the opening and peeks around the door. I can hear yelling at the house, and I’m worried about my family. “Brana, we have to see if everyone is okay.”
Looking around the stables, his eyes scan the area before he walks me to the nearest one and pushes me inside.
“Stay here.” When he sees I’m about to argue, his eyes bore into mine.
“Do not come out until I tell you to. I am going to find out what is happening, and I can’t focus if I’m worried about your safety. ”
Still wanting to argue, but knowing he’s right, I nod my head.
It feels like an eternity goes by as I’m sweating in the stall, worrying about my family. The horses are starting to settle, I tried to soothe them the best I can from where I’m at. But at the same time, my body won’t stop shaking.
I slid down the wall after Brana left the stable and pulled my knees up to my chest, but even in the tightest ball I can get into, my body is vibrating like a motor, and I keep counting to ten.
Closing my eyes, I orient myself to time and place.
There is a wall behind my back, my horses are in their stalls, I can smell the hay under me, and the late afternoon sun is shining on the walls over my head.
Each real thing I can focus on is supposed to help, but it’s not right now. I’m too worried about my family.
The longer I wait, the more my teeth start to chatter, and breathing is becoming harder. What if someone is hurt? Spots start to dance in my peripheral, and I feel like I may pass out.
“Lepa.” Brana comes into the stall with Mason right behind him.
When he sees that I’m about to lose consciousness, he sits almost on my toes, caging me in with his long legs, his feet against the wall behind me, and his knees on each side of me.
“Look at me,” he orders and my eyes snap to met his icy blues, “breathe with me.” He breathes in his nose and out of his mouth.
I follow his lead, but I can’t stop shaking.
He grabs my hands and links our fingers together as he smiles. “Hey, everyone is fine, the explosion was at the gate. No one got hurt.”
Tears of relief fill my eyes, and I keep taking deep breaths.
Anger bubbles in my chest, and I choke on a small sob. “You left me.”
He shakes his head and his smile gets bigger.
Keeping our fingers linked and pressed against the outside of my knees.
“I would never leave you, you know that, Lepa. I made sure it was safe for you.” He’s wrapped himself around me, cocooning me to the wall I’ve been leaning against. “I will always make sure you are safe. Uvek c?u doc?i po tebe. I will always come for you.” [I will always come for you]