Chapter 22
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
CHAY
Love-drunk today, hungover tomorrow.
—La’Angi saying
15th Day of Spring’s One Moon,
Age of the Locways, Year 272
La’Angi City
Outside the city was quiet. Inside felt even more eerie than the dead towns we’d passed through. While I’d been on the road, I wanted to be back here. Standing behind her, listening to her ideas, watching her figure out leadership in real time. Now that I was here, I missed the peace of the road.
Bliksem’s steps picked up as he headed happily toward his stable, glad to be home, no doubt, where he’d be warm and well fed.
I’d left my spare horse with Thomas and his family, travelling behind by cart.
Every spare space had been full of blueberries, the others, with Thomas’ children.
They were sweet, and—most importantly—alive.
But Thomas had told me to get back to the lady. To do my job.
So I was.
For perhaps the first time in my experience of La’Angi, I was happily hailed.
Men called down from the gates, greeting me by name, asking for news.
“Weather’s coming good just in time for you to get back,” one of them told me, conversationally, waving me on.
Another said, “Wait until you see what she’s doing in the markets! Our lady, she’s like a bloodhound!”
I didn’t stop by the markets. The sun was setting, and it looked like watch worked the same now as they had a moon ago. That meant the inner walls wouldn’t have anyone on them, and getting through would be a hassle.
The bailey was quiet, but I was stopped on the way to the stables, refusing more than three offers to take care of Bliksem.
Now I was here, I didn’t know if I could make the walk to that tower.
In the stables, Storm came over and nudged at the gate of her stall, snuffling in our direction.
Bliksem, ever a grumpy bastard, flicked his tail haughtily at her.
“I’ll see you soon,” I promised her, wishing I’d had a chance to get her a carrot or apple on the way in.
“You’re such a wonderful girl, aren’t you? ”
She agreed with the toss of her head. My heart sat lighter in my chest, thinking of her lady telling her the exact same thing.
Bliksem settled in happily, king of the stables. I took my time getting him ready for bed, ignoring the shadows that grew deeper. On my way out, I stopped by Storm and gave her the firm rubs she so enjoyed under the chin, letting her check me out. I’d smell strange, no doubt.
When I could put it off no longer, I returned to the keep, saddle over my shoulder and heart in my throat.
She’d be fine, of course. She didn’t need me to defend her.
She didn’t need me.
When I knocked it took a long time before the door opened. Isolde looked at me, one hand holding the shawl together between her breasts, the other out of sight.
She could kill me. No one would ever know.
I suspected she considered it regularly.
“Where’s Thomas?” she asked me, still standing in the doorway.
“He’ll be a few days behind me. Travelling with a cart and fruit.”
“And his family?”
“All healthy and well.”
“She’ll be glad.” She stepped back, letting me in. Muscles I didn’t realize were locked tight relaxed as I stepped into the tower and dropped the bar over the door.
It felt like coming home. But home had never been a joyful place.
When I looked up, Isolde was gone. She’d report to Audrey, of course.
I wondered how my liege lady might’ve greeted me a few weeks ago before I’d had to push her away. I unpacked my bags while I tormented myself with those thoughts, the mixture of memory and fantasy a heady combination that left me aching and painfully aware of how cold my bed was.
It was dark when I felt a tug on the blanket, the rush of cold, then her body pressed against mine. From her lips my name fell, a plea, a prayer. I clung to her. She clung back. I made promises. Stupid promises. None of it really mattered, did it? She had me until my heart no longer beat.
Then a firm hand was shaking me awake, and she was there in real life as well as in my dream, standing over me. “Chay.” My cock throbbed agonizingly, but I resisted the urge to grab her and drag her down. She was fully dressed, her hair tied back. There was no softness or welcome in her expression.
“Are you awake? I need tutoring in the sword,” she said, stepping back. “I’ll see you in a few moments upstairs.”
And she was gone again.
I let out a long breath. She might as well have sent a spear through my guts.
I hadn’t trained her in the sword since…
If I went up there and she’d forgiven me, I couldn’t hold out. All Thomas and Kaelson’s truths, all the horror…I’d end up dead, my oath igniting me. That alone would harm her, wouldn’t it? To see the man she loved burned to death?
So mayhap that would save me? If I couldn’t harm her, and my death would be a harm…
I scrubbed a hand over my face and threw back the covers.
It was the worst logic I might’ve ever come up with, but it did make a skewed sort of sense. Kadan would’ve loved it, and nothing my friend loved was totally beyond redemption. Including me.
Up the stairs I found her alone, sword in hand, practicing footwork. She glanced over as I came in and every last piece of hope in me died.
“Sorry to wake you abruptly,” she said. “I’ve lost a lot of time is all. You can go back to bed after our lesson if it suits you.”
There were no words I could find to offer her because it wasn’t the welcome I was hoping for, nor the one I was afraid of.
I took the practice sword, struggling to wrap my hand around it, stiff and sore and embarrassingly inept even beside her novice knowledge.
And I did my job.
“We’re going into the city this morning,” she told me, as we finished up. “Did you want the day to get settled back in? I can take Steve and Cameron.”
“No.” Who the fuck was Steve? “I’ll be ready.”
She nodded, headed towards the stairs, then stopped.
“I’m sorry I screamed at you.” She met my eyes.
I recognized the studied lines of the polite mask she put on when she was with people who weren’t her inner circle.
“I’m glad Thomas’ family is okay. It really was an important task—to me, at least. But I should’ve communicated it differently. ”
We were back here again. I watched her go and wondered if she’d cut any throats recently or thrown anyone off the seawall unassisted.
“Audrey,” I said, hurting.
She stopped, turning to me. “Yes?”
“I’m sorry, too.”
I didn’t know what I expected. It wasn’t the vague sadness that flickered over her face, or the resigned shrug. “We’re well matched then. I’ll let you ready the horses? I’ll be a little while still. I’m breaking my fast with Yasmine.”
That was it. A small acknowledgement, a little kindness, back to business. Behind my ribs my heart stampeded helplessly.
Had her heartbeat even raised a little? I couldn’t tell, not during my half-assed tutoring or my clumsy apology.
On the way down the stairs, I saw her by her dressing table, tugging her shirt out from her breeches. She didn’t hesitate when she saw me, but she did turn away, clearly aware I was there as she lifted the shirt over her head.
The strong lines of her arms, the defined musculature, the breadth of those shoulders—I tore my eyes away. There was nothing inviting about her movements. I knew exactly how Audrey acted when she was happy to be undressed.
And I knew how she acted around acquaintances.
At the bottom of the stairs, Isolde was setting down a tray. Her eyes travelled from the toes of my boots to my crown before she turned away and said, “Light session, I see. You’ve time to fetch breakfast.”
The day, the moon, the year, and then my lifetime all spun out before me.
I pulled on my tabard, belted on my sword, and went to go and fetch food to break our fast.