Chapter 66
CHAPTER SIXTY-SIX
CHAY
The axe forgets. The tree remembers.
—Southern saying
26th Day of Autumn’s Son Moon,
Age of the Locways, Year 272
La’Angi Keep
Audrey was safe in her tower, hopefully asleep. I stood at Kadan’s window overlooking the garden. I couldn’t see the bay. Even if I could, I didn’t know if I could make out Elnyta’s sails in the darkness.
“You must have one very happy, but very tired, lady,” Callum said, with a sigh.
“First time for everything,” Kadan drawled.
I didn’t laugh. I didn’t begrudge him the joke, but there wasn’t space for levity now.
In mere days, the Duke might be dead.
“I’m sorry, friend,” Kadan said. “I didn’t mean to poke a bruise.”
I shrugged it off. “I’m in a foul mood. It’s not your fault. I ought to go.”
“Why?” Callum asked. “The only person she needed defending from is now beyond the city walls by a good distance.”
I shrugged again, waving it away. I didn’t care about Luca. Neither did she. That was his loss. “I’m poor company.” I left it at that. They didn’t need my worries. They had plenty of their own.
“Well, I’m rich company,” Kadan assured me. “I’ll cover the costs tonight. Pull up a seat, old friend. We won’t see you again for far too long.”
Possibly ever. It was always the risk. “What’re they going to do if Audrey won’t have Luca?” I asked Kadan.
His lips turned downward in an exaggeratedly unsure expression, then he picked up his walking stick and used it to shove a chair toward me.
“Before the tourney, I think they’d’ve laughed at the idea she’d refuse.
Now…” He looked at me. “They’re going to ask if we’re really sure she can’t be convinced. ”
I took the cordial Callum poured me. “I don’t recommend asking her for a few years.”
Kadan grinned. “Noted. Well, that’s not an absolutely not ever.”
“It’s a ‘she’ll probably gut you if you even ask right now,’” I corrected, settling back into the chair. “Later, you might survive the question.”
Kadan’s brows rose. “That bad?”
“It can’t have been that bad,” Callum sighed. “I saw the scratches on his back, Chay.”
So had I. That hadn’t been her style when we’d been together.
“She can get dick whenever she wants it,” I told him, wanting an end to the conversation.
“Don’t you go making it cheap, too. What he said was vile.
Considering how hard she’d worked to be able to trust him, I don’t think he’ll ever have the same relationship with her again.
” I didn’t tell them he’d damn near killed Isolde.
I hated that it wouldn’t have changed anything for them.
Callum cocked his head to one side and exchanged a long look with Kadan. Callum’s expression was thoughtful, Kadan’s serene. “Does she know you love her?” Callum asked me.
“Don’t needle him,” Kadan sighed. “I want him to stay.”
“Sorry,” Callum said. “It wasn’t supposed to be…I didn’t know.”
I took a mouthful of the cordial. “She knew I did. We were in it pretty deep,” I admitted, feeling sick. “I told her about Luca. About the rebellion.”
Kadan’s cup stilled halfway to his mouth. The momentary pause was covered quickly, but Callum wasn’t half as subtle, sitting up quickly and spilling a few drops of the sweet cordial on the floor. “You what?”
“And she still turned him down?” Kadan asked me, his eyes sharp.
“She didn’t believe me.” I felt sick at the memory. “Neither did Isolde.” Or, if she had, she hadn’t sold it to Audrey.
“What do you mean?” Kadan asked me, his tone deceptively light and casual.
I stayed there, hating the fact he’d used that tone. It made me go back over everything I’d said, everything it could mean.
Kadan was my friend. That voice he used on others. Not on me.
The quiet stretched out between us. His pupils weren’t blown out tonight. He wasn’t on the oil that made his head foggy and his pain further away.
“I told her Luca didn’t have her interests at heart,” I said eventually, because I had.
“I told her he was part of a rebellion. I told her he just wanted La’Angi.
Or I think I did.” I remembered with agonizing clarity her fury as she’d levelled her finger at the door and demanded I leave.
I couldn’t remember exactly how I’d got there, or really much of what’d happened afterwards.
“You think you did?” Kadan asked me, frowning a little before sipping at his drink.
“There was a lot happening at the time.”
“Oh?”
The irritation at the gentle questioning wasn’t comfortable.
“Don’t talk to me like I’m Luca, Dan. My oath is to her.
I never made bones of that. And Luca was coming in like his shit doesn’t stink and she was letting him through the door.
” When he opened his mouth, I scowled at him.
“Don’t tell me she can fucking choose, Dan, when y’all did nothing except lie to her so thoroughly she didn’t believe the truth when I laid it out. ”
Kadan’s brows rose. “She didn’t believe you?”
“No.”
He scratched at his cheek, glancing briefly at Callum. “Why wouldn’t she believe you?” Kadan asked, and for the first time since we’d got onto the topic it didn’t feel like a trap, but a real question.
The silence was honest, the expressions truly confused.
Fuck. I gritted my teeth. “She and I…we’d just…called things off.”
“Oh shit, brother,” Callum breathed. “I need something stronger than cordial and then I need the whole fucking story. Wait.” He stood, but I was shaking my head. I wasn’t getting drunk and crying into my cups the night before the Butcher came back.
“He’s not going to drink,” Kadan called after Callum, then let out a long sigh. “Well, suddenly everything makes sense,” he said, and there was grief in the words. “I’m sorry, Chay.”
I shrugged. “No one’s dead, Dan. Anyway, she didn’t listen to me. So no harm done, I suppose.”
Kadan blew out a breath. “Even after how Luca ran his mouth the other day? She still doesn’t believe you?”
“Me?” My mouth was dry. She didn’t believe in me, not anymore. I’d given her reasons not to. “She might believe Isolde. She doesn’t see him as a threat. Yet.” I took a long pull of the cordial. It didn’t wash away the bitterness that coated my tongue.
“What happened?” he asked, the question gentle. “Unless you don’t want to talk? It seems like you want to talk.”
Did I want to talk? Callum reappeared, two jugs in his hands, his mouth firmly closed and all his attention on me.
They’d had no lovers of note in the past year, no big changes in their lives.
I’d heard about Kadan’s ex, who was climbing the ranks in the cavalry and making his life mildly uncomfortable, parading the multiple men he was sleeping with under Kadan’s nose.
But it had been the topic of conversation for about two moments.
Acknowledge, roll eyes, shit talk, and move on.
The rebellion was everything.
If Luca wasn’t successful…
“If the Butcher knew I’d been with Audrey, can you imagine what he’d do to her?” I asked them.
They shared a look. It was another one of those looks, the loaded, you-aren’t-in-on-it looks. “That’s it?” Kadan asked.
I laughed, but it was mirthless. I needed Thomas to explain why that wasn’t just it. “Come live in La’Angi awhile,” I told them. “Then we’ll talk.”
“Sorry,” Callum said, pouring wine into his cup. “I thought we were talking to Chay. Is this Luca, Dan?”
“Seems to be. Should check, see if he’s got a heart. Pretty sure Luca doesn’t.”
“Not anymore, that’s for sure,” Callum said, laughing. “All right, you fucking liar. Pull off the mask and the shirt while you’re at it, prove you aren’t Luca.”
“You’re funny,” I said without a trace of mirth.
“Oh, come on, Chay,” Callum said, the words thick with mockery. “I remember our first night in La’Angi and how you just about ground your teeth to the gums trying not to break Luca’s face while he talked about his poor, helpless wife-to-be. You don’t think you’re a little bit stupid about this?”
“Don’t call him stupid,” Kadan said, giving him a nudge. “He’s just overwhelmed.”
“The Chay I knew got overwhelmed and made some fucking space,” Callum said, scowling at him. “Whose side are you on?”
“Audrey’s,” I offered, for Kadan.
“Looks like,” Kadan agreed. “Don’t worry, Chay—she doesn’t like blonds.”
I was so far from being worried it wasn’t even in the same province.
I covered my face, feeling sick. There was no way I could explain to them the way she’d looked at me with love and how that had painted a target on her back.
If we were still in that space, it wouldn’t just be her father she’d need to fear, but the Black Borough faction who were sniffing about, and the One knew what Luca was capable of.
They’d feed her to the monster. She thought she could manage him when they tried.
She was wrong.
“Would she have you?” Kadan asked, the words soft.
I shrugged and finished off the cordial. Callum stood and filled my cup with wine. It didn’t seem like such a bad idea.
“Chay…we need the La’Angi army,” Kadan said. “The army needs a general. The state needs a leader.”
I looked up at Kadan. Seeing the light blue of his eyes without any laughter in them drove home the seriousness of what he was saying.
“Would she have you?” he asked again.
I hated the layers of meaning behind that question. “So I can rule?”
The two of them exchanged a look. “Why not?” Callum asked.
Why not. I set the wine down. These people were my friends.
“You want me to marry her, then head your rebellion? I’m a nobody hedge-knight and we all know it.
” And before they could object, I cut them off.
“Even if I wasn’t a nobody, and they wanted to dust off my old ties to Barloc, damned if I’m going to ask her to step into my shadow. ”
“You don’t need to,” Kadan said. “There’s no reason she can’t be your equal.”
“If she’s my equal, why do you need me to marry her and claim her army?” I asked him, fury fizzing in my veins. “I didn’t hold this city together, Dan. I didn’t take it from an economic disaster to a time of exponential growth. I’m not even sure what that means. You want her? Then fucking ask her.”
“You first,” Callum drawled. “I’m sorry. That was cheap. I take it back.”
“Too late,” Kadan sighed. “He’s right,” he said to Callum.
“She’s united La’Angi,” Callum offered, his brows raised. “They might consider it.”
“She’s not loyal to us,” Kadan said, the words quiet. “Even if they overlook that, she’s got no right to inherit.”
I stood, feeling sick. “I need to sleep.”
“Chay—”
“No.” I blew out a breath, trying to let go of any resentment before it set down roots.
“I really do.” I paused. If it was the last time I saw them…
I searched my mind for some sort of wisdom, something touching or important I could say.
“She’s got a plan,” I said slowly. “You might not need to do as much as you think. And you might have to meet her on her terms. If that’s how we next speak…
over a table, with formal alliances…” The thought made me strangely glad.
“Don’t make any shitty jokes,” I told Callum, resting my hand on his shoulder and giving him a quick squeeze on the way out.
“And go to sleep,” I shouted, over my shoulder.
“It’ll be morning soon, and our hospitality ends after breakfast! ”
Just marry her, become the rebel king, take everything. I strode along the halls, frustrated at the suggestion. She can be your equal. You just have to let her be. I wasn’t fit to be a fucking king. I wasn’t fit to be a general. I wasn’t fit to be a thrice-cursed blood-sworn champion.
Was I like Luca?
I stopped as the wind tugged at my cloak, pausing to look over the view of the bay. From this angle, I couldn’t see much but darkness. The sea wall stretched out below me, guards patrolling it at regular intervals.
The night she’d helped me carry that guardsman, when she’d hefted him over the wall herself, played back in my mind.
She didn’t want anything from me.
She’d told me so herself.
I dragged the air deep into my lungs. The Butcher would be back soon. We just had to survive. She thought it was live or die, but there were so many things that could happen. Isolde wasn’t the only one who’d made preparations. If we had to flee, we’d flee.
I wasn’t letting that murderer touch a hair on her head ever again.
Back in the tower, the embroidered, shimmering apples that’d dangled from her mostly bare limbs were draped across the back of her favorite reading chair.
There was no book open for me to peek at.
I picked up the pot of tisane. The mix was one Isolde preferred, heavy on the ginger.
Audrey did fresh herbs and a little citrus if she made it herself.
I still poured some into a clean cup for myself. It was cold. The fire had burned out, but I stared into the ashes. She and I, we’d spent a lot of hours here, in front of this fire. I resented that she’d brought Luca into this space more than I’d realized.
If I hadn’t driven her away, she’d never have let herself believe his lies.
I sipped on the brew and fell into my chair. There was no sign of him now. Just a bit of a bruise on her heart, probably. She could take the hit. No one knew that better than me.
I closed my eyes and let myself drift, remembering simpler times, when the Duke was on the other side of the country and we’d just had to worry about plague, famine, and revolts.
Waking to cold liquid spilling over myself, I jolted upright. After what she’s done in the last three days, the Duke will never let her live. The thought was like a lightning bolt through my sleepy thoughts.
It was obvious, of course, but it had been such a slow, gradual progression. Her jackets got shorter or her skirts got more snug. The deals were critical, then important, then far-reaching and intricately made.
Then she dressed like some sort of heathen goddess, fucking pirates and promising tariff reductions as she handed out winner’s buckles.
If she dies for using his stamp, she may as well die knowing she’s loved.
What in the fuck had I done?
The darkness weighed as much as the whole keep combined. I struggled to get the space to suck air into my chest.
What. The fuck. Had I. Done.
I’d tried to manage him.
I’d tried to manage the monster.
For her.
There was no glow on the horizon. Night had hours left.
I had to figure it out.
I had to undo it.