Chapter 68
CHAPTER SIXTY-EIGHT
AUDREY
I learned they value them above everything.
The leader of the rebellion himself walked into my camp, friend, for one dried up old woman whose tits could double as her own belt.
These people disgust me. And now I have their leader.
—in a letter from General Victor, Duke of La'Angi to General Dieudonné, Count of Black Borough
La’Angi Keep
The words leapt into my mind, phrases almost glowing.
I scratched out the amends I needed to make to the renting laws, keeping it brief, focusing on what would be most critical and least likely to be unraveled by my father.
It was a task I’d put off for far too long, but today it was working. My mind was working.
Chay came into the room, the metallic sounds of his belt and frog a normal part of my day. Or it would have been, if he’d stayed over near the fire, whittling.
His steps weren’t as heavy as they’d once been. I tracked his progress with the jangle of his frog and tried to put aside the frustration that snarled inside of me at the interruption. This was what I got for leaving these matters until the death knell.
Following that thought to the next, I paused to dip my quill into the inkpot. “If you’re here to convince me to let you fight in my stead,” I told him, without looking up, “please save both of us the disappointment of that conversation.”
“I wasn’t going to offer,” he said. “You know I would, and I know you won’t.”
I paused, hoping I wouldn’t lose the flow I’d managed somehow to find amidst the turmoil of the day. “Are you after Isolde?” I asked him, knowing they’d had their heads together and had been making plans.
Sensible plans, no doubt. Plans to keep my neck whole and my heart beating if everything fell apart.
I’d memorized the maps of our caches of goods years ago, though.
I knew all the ways out of the city. I couldn’t leave it behind.
Not like this. Not when it was mine. Not when it wanted to be mine.
But that made me think of Isolde and the fine tremor I’d felt in her hands even last night as she’d brushed my hair.
Whatever that poison was, it’d taken a toll.
“I should have listened to you,” I admitted to Chay, setting aside the quill and rubbing a hand over my aching face. “I should have gutted Luca years ago.”
“Plenty have tried,” he offered. “He’s surprisingly resilient to gutting.”
“He has to be good at something,” I said bitterly, hating that he wasn’t even my biggest problem now.
“I’m sorry, Audrey.”
My attention sharpened on his face, so full of regret, and alarm flared. “Why?” What had he done?
“Because I’m stupid,” he said. “Because I was scared, and then I scared you.”
The ground opened up beneath me and for a moment I was back in front of the fire and pottery was smashing. I stood, drawing strength from the movement, from my ability to do so.
“I was terrified,” he went on. “If word got out that we were together, your father would’ve done worse than kill you.”
Worse.
What could be worse?
Oh, I knew of plenty of horrific things. Hadn’t I seen those scars in Isolde’s eyes? And yet she lived and found joy. She thought she didn’t know how to heal. I thought she knew more than she realized.
“The things your father has done…” His gaze dropped away. “I couldn’t risk it.”
It didn’t fit, though. Not totally. I turned it over in my mind, the events of that day. The runner, the note. My father had done nothing to incite his fear. “It wasn’t about Luca?”
“No. No,” he repeated more firmly, shaking his head. “The way you looked at me.” The words were hoarse, as if he’d been screaming them. “He’d have known, Audrey. Everyone would’ve known.”
My crime had been to look at him with love.
How was I supposed to feel about that? How was I supposed to respond? My head buzzed and I sat down with a sigh, achingly tired though the battle hadn’t even begun.
“Thanking you for telling me,” I said, with what grace I could muster. I suppose we were about to see what my father did with me, weren’t we? I blew out a hard breath and re-inked my quill, turning back to my page.
“Audrey…”
He looked up, his expression holding some hideous combination of hunger and regret.
It was too similar to the tone Luca had used, though that wouldn’t have been fair of me to say.
It wasn’t fair of me to think. This man, he’d never thought to seize power by spreading my legs.
Mayhap he’d cared too much, and mayhap he’d been a fool.
I didn’t know. The possibilities hummed through my mind, taking me further from getting this information copied out.
“I’m sorry,” he said again, as I tried to gather my thoughts once more. Those blue eyes of his were so big, so sad. Once upon a time, I’d thought I’d happily drown in those eyes. Now I didn’t have time to swim.
Before I dismissed him, though, I paused.
I thought of the way Isolde had flinched away when I’d grabbed her and softened a little. If I could take some weight off his shoulders…
“You’re forgiven, Chay. You’ve been forgiven for moons.
And I’ve no wish to dismiss this conversation, because it’s important.
I want to talk to you further, one day. I’d dearly love to learn everything about Luca and his little rebellion and how it was he was crafty enough to almost kill Isolde.
” I put my hand on the page before me. “But I have an issue with building integrity because it’s been codified that landlords do not need to do repairs more than every decade and that’s led to a myriad of issues with property maintenance and who should bear the cost related to regular upkeep. ”
He stared at me as if I’d just announced the death of his friend and I clawed for some compassion for him. “I’m not upset with you, Chay,” I said.
His expression didn’t change at all.
What was I supposed to do? Leap into his arms and shower him with kisses? Weep and dance? Now? My father was hours away from the city. I wasn’t brave enough to turn and look out my window for fear that once I saw his legion on the horizon, I’d freeze like a deer staring at a hunter.
I’d stand here, paralyzed, until one of my father’s dogs came and dragged me to him.
He’d kill them all.
I couldn’t freeze.
“I’m not upset, Chay,” I said honestly. “Not with you. I’m upset with myself for trusting Luca, and I’m upset I haven’t progressed more in my training. I’m upset I haven’t done—” I waved a hand “—all of this, and instead I was galivanting about at balls and soirees.”
His eyes dropped to the pages. If I got into all the sad things in my life, it would become a spiral, so I pulled myself up hard. “What happened between us…it was sad. Now it makes sense,” I offered. “I appreciate the closure, Chay. Very much.”
He looked up at me, tears in his eyes. A knife twisted in my belly. Anger spurted in response.
“I need you to know I chose hope,” he said.
He chose hope today? Not all those moons ago when I was confused and scared? I drew in air slowly, wrestling with the rage that wanted to ignite. Not now. Regardless of that brief, unfortunate interaction all those moons ago, this man didn’t deserve cruelty.
But, by the One, he needed to work on his timing.
Isolde had offered to string my bow this morning. She hadn’t said “Just put an arrow in his eye,” but clearly that was what she wanted.
Thomas had passed me a new cloak, large and flowing. To conceal my clothes. To hide in.
Elnyta had wanted me to run away with them. To visit their family, and forsake La’Angi.
Now Chay was looking at me the way he’d done when we had the plague. I hadn’t thought I’d live to get back to La’Angi then. He had probably quite literally saved my life with his body heat. It was a bittersweet memory.
I didn’t need his body heat today.
I hoped I didn’t even need his sword.
“Can I get back to that place of hope?” Chay asked, the words shaky but not pleading. “Is there anything I can do?”
Those words weren’t fair. It took all of my strength not to shout that at him.
I drew a breath. I tapped my feet beneath the desk.
I motioned between us with my empty hand.
“This,” I said, moving my hand again. “This doesn’t feel good,” I told him, working hard to keep the bite out of my words.
“We’re all facing death today, Chay. I’m aware.
You know I’ll support you if you’d like to slip away, though I know you won’t.
We’re in this together, and I’m so grateful for that. ”
I had no gratitude in me. I had dust and exhaustion. From his expression, he knew that, and I regretted the lie too late to do anything about it. One day I’d be grateful. Today, I was surviving.
“But this? This feels…” I struggled. “This feels like you think we’re doomed.
It feels like you’ve waited until I’m weak.
It feels like you think there’s nothing left to lose.
I don’t know what part of any of that is truly choosing hope.
” He opened his mouth and I held up a hand for silence.
“Quite frankly, Chay, I don’t want to do this every time my life is in jeopardy.
I’ve healed.” My thoughts went to Isolde and my heart sat like a stone in my chest. “I hope you can, too. I suppose it’s a problem for tomorrow, if we have one, isn’t it? ”
He sucked in air like I’d gut-punched him and doubled over, but he pressed his hand to his chest, turning it into a bow.
Hurting and angry, I still gave him what dignity I could, looking away as he straightened and walked from the room.