Chapter 70
CHAPTER SEVENTY
AUDREY
No disrespect intended, of course, but I’m still shocked you let the last Wolfsblood from your sight. You’re not the type to make the same error twice…but I do worry for you. —in a letter from General Dieudonné, Count of Black Borough to General Victor, Duke of La'Angi
La’Angi Keep
My thoughts collided. Things I needed to do.
Plans I needed to make. The door to my tower approached and Isolde went ahead to open it.
She was shorter than me. How long had she been shorter than me?
I remembered the way she’d shaken and flinched and I was already back up in my tower trying to soothe her.
I tripped over my own feet and a hand bit into my elbow, steadying me even as I caught myself.
Chay’s hand. I had to change my pace because of it.
He threw me off. His hand stayed until I looked at him.
I couldn’t deal with him. I didn’t want to worry about what his expression meant. Isolde opened the door and I followed. My guards would close us in. Keep us safe.
We had to go.
“This is a trap,” Isolde said, the words emphasized by the sound of the bar falling over the door behind us. They echoed around the tower.
“I know it’s a trap.” I couldn’t fight him. Not surrounded by an army. That was fine. It gave me more time, didn’t it? My skirts tangled around my feet, the fabric wrapping around my legs like briars. “I know it’s a trap. I know what’s happening.”
I could see it all unfolding. I could predict his moves. I’d done this my whole life. Longer than she’d been around. I wasn’t a fool.
“I’m not a fool,” I told her, gathering up my skirts. My hands didn’t want to respond. They had to. I couldn’t freeze.
“No one is saying you’re a fool,” Isolde said, impatience in the words. She’d stopped, perfectly balanced, ready to spring an ambush. No longer shaking. No longer hurting.
Action gave us strength. I could take action. “You all know better than me.” The bitter words escaped my mouth before I could stop them. I didn’t stay to check what impact they could have. “I’ve been walking into my father’s traps since before I could walk, Isolde.”
“And how often do you walk back out of them?” she demanded.
“Do I need to walk to win?” I shot right back, taking the stairs to my tower two at a time.
The challenge echoed against the stone walls.
You can beat me, but you can’t defeat me.
“We could kill that group,” I said, waving a hand in the wrong direction to indicate the group in the bailey, unconcerned about the inaccuracy.
Isolde would know what I meant. “And then he’d send another.
If we killed them, he’d send another. Fuck being besieged by my own father, Isolde.
Not at a city level. But one on one? He can try what he wants. ”
Rage made me strong and actions held back the terror. I dragged my saddlebags out from beneath the bed. The rug beneath them scrunched up, cringing away from reality. I planted a foot against it, hauling the bags onto the neatly laid covers.
“And if you can’t walk out of his war camp?” she demanded. “You’ll be isolated. Our weapons, our coin, our escape plans all work from La’Angi, Audrey.”
“He’s not going to kill me. He’s a lot of things, Isolde, but an accidental killer is never one of them.” Every single kill, every drop of blood, every bruise and ache, were all deliberate. Sickeningly deliberate. “Mayhap this is simply a normal summons. I’ve no doubt I’ll feel his wrath.”
We hadn’t foreseen this. I couldn’t help but think of all the things I could’ve done to prepare for this trip if only we’d foreseen it.
I could’ve had people write up reflections of the tourney.
My leadership. I could’ve gathered evidence of the profits I’d turned.
The benefits of the deals I’d done. I could’ve had him a cloak made, or a fresh mix of the tisane I knew he liked.
Would they have some, still, in the kitchens?
Could Bernadette mix some now? A little gift from home to soften the inevitable disappointment I was.
“We’re going, then?”
Chay’s voice jolted me back to the present. I looked up from the chest of clothes I hadn’t yet started to sort through. He stood there, shoulder to shoulder with Isolde. Grief etched lines and shadows on his face.
Rage swept through me. “Someone,” I said, standing. “Someone tell me what else I can possibly do.”
“Saddle up,” Isolde said, the words crisp.
The two of them stood between me and the stairs.
A symbolic barrier, no more. “We’ll leave the city with them, then cut their throats in their sleep and vanish for a year or two or more, if needed.
Return when the Butcher’s here. They’ll open the gates.
They’ll sing your praises. You can slay him and be the hero you want. ”
The barb slid home. The fury in her voice, the strength in her shoulders, made my heart ache. She was shaking again, in my mind, in this room. Shaking and lost and scared.
The rage bled from me. “I am already the hero I want to be,” I told her, the words holding no gentleness. She had no time for that. “This changes nothing for me.”
“How can it change nothing?” she demanded, throwing up her hands. “You’ve planned for this fight. There is no fight. We retreat and lay another ambush, Audrey. That’s the way of the steppe cat. Running after prey that outstrips you will only weaken you.”
But my target wasn’t prey. It was a kraken like me.
I turned back to the clothes, not allowing myself to dwell on choices. I prioritized warmth and colors that would conceal me. I prioritized survival.
“I’ll go along,” I said, sorting with hands that didn’t shake.
“Mayhap I’ll get an opening and I’ll slay him in front of his own army.
Wouldn’t that make the bards happy?” I asked them, letting the laughter seep into my voice.
“Mayhap I’ll take a beating. I’ve never failed to survive one before.
What would he gain from killing me now? I’m making him money and growing his reputation. ”
“You’re going against the locways,” Chay said, softly.
Since he was standing about, I tossed him a cloak to roll.
“I’ll apologize and lie and make myself as small and acceptable as I can.
You don’t want to hear that,” I cut in as Isolde opened her mouth.
“I’ll do it, and I’ll do it with no shame.
None.” In that moment, it was the truth.
I stood and started packing. “I’ll live.
And we’ll come back and keep going. This isn’t halting the plans—it’s just rescheduling them.
This is a good thing,” I realized, ignoring the lump of dread that sat in my belly like soggy bread.
“It gives me time. Think of what I could do with another year.”
When I turned to them, neither of their faces reflected any optimism despite the irrefutable arguments I’d presented.
We stood in silence. The everyday sounds of the city felt so far away. I looked out over the city I’d been so ready to claim along with my power. There was so much to feel and no time for any of it. Those feelings, they mattered. But not at the cost of survival.
“What reason does he have to demand your presence?” Isolde asked. “I can think of none.”
“The Southerners have made it unsafe for him to leave,” I offered, with a shrug. “He knows La’Angi will remain stable over winter. I can update him properly.”
“He could execute you on any one of dozens of counts of treason,” Isolde shot back.
“Given the myriads of possible execution methods at his disposal, this seems the most work and least impactful if he wanted to send a warning,” I reminded her.
“Why not have you write more letters?” Isolde demanded. “This is a trap.”
“What do you foresee?” I asked, frustration making the question more forceful than I wanted.
She said nothing, her lips pressed tightly.
There were words there, ideas she was scared to speak.
I couldn’t let myself wonder on what they could be, turning my gaze away from them.
The city stretched out before me. This was my home.
I couldn’t leave, but I wasn’t, really. This was merely a brief trip.
We all knew regardless of his plan, I had three choices: fight now, and face repercussions; flee; or go meekly and bide my time.
The only possible outcome I couldn’t return from was death, and he wasn’t summoning me simply to kill me. My choice was the safest.
If my death had been his intention, he’d have been in that bailey today.
Mayhap we weren’t so different.
“You’re strong here,” Chay offered.
You’re strong wherever you are. The whispered counter-argument made me feel an uncomfortable sense of pride that warred with the dread and settled strangely in my limbs. Yes, I could carry the strength I had with me. I could carry the weakness, too.
I didn’t know what was harder to face.
The city would be here when I returned. Mayhap I’d see it differently then. My last significant journey had been to Raa’shi to marry Luca. I’d been a child. I’d returned from that trip irrevocably changed—for the better.
The lessons I’d learned had been painful. But I hadn’t learned them alone, and they’d served me well. I was even less alone now, and more capable of learning.
“Are you coming?” I asked, knowing the answer but wanting to see the actions to match it. “Or will it only be Thomas accompanying me?”
Isolde’s jaw tightened. “You’re going to need to pack her bow,” she told Chay, and he nodded. I felt no relief at the end of her resistance. “No one will question you.”
“I’ll carry anything for you.” He said it with the dismissive attitude of one stating unnecessary information. “Take the time you need, though, to think on this. Don’t let them force you to make hasty decisions. Your father is an intelligent, terrifying foe. Face him on your terms.”
I tried to recall the last time someone had referred to my father openly as terrifying. I couldn’t. Our fear was in our actions, and our inactions too. It felt good to acknowledge the fear my father created, and that surprised me.
To repay Chay for his kindness, I conjured up my memory of the pledge he’d made me last winter. “What’s important,” I said, selecting my words with precision, “is whether that fear will stop me.”
The compassion that softened his features made me ache.
I moved my gaze from his face to Isolde’s.
The gentle bow of his lips was contrasted by the thin line of hers.
Love for my stalwart scout warmed me. I didn’t let it show.
She needed courage, so I gave her back what I’d borrowed from her, all those years ago.
“There is no rival I’ve yet to meet who cannot be vanquished,” I said. “And I am only conquered when I believe I am.”