Chapter 1
ONE
FIVE YEARS LATER
You know when people talk about those out-of-body experiences? The moments they can feel their hearts beating in their chests—knowing air is coming in and out of their lungs, but they can’t feel any of it?
I always thought that was a gross exaggeration, little more than a feeling people made up to cover their panic, needing something to blame when all their senses failed to save them. No, I was too strong for that, too hard-headed to ever let something like emotions derail me so spectacularly.
All it took were two words for my entire view to change.
Two little words from Grayson Anders, and my entire body went numb .
For most of my life, people had referred to me as cold. Because I didn’t wear my emotions on my sleeve, many assumed I didn’t have any, but it wasn’t true. I felt a lot below the surface, but I was never very good at letting people know.
This was the first time I felt like all my emotions had been switched off, leaving me little more than a shell with a pulse. Feelings, sensations, and even sounds were powerless against the weight of his words, knocking my world off its axis for the first time.
My wife.
That bastard.
All at once, as my ex-fling Jack’s Mercedes rushed down the street away from us, everything came flooding back to me. The lights of Grayson’s bar were too bright, and the quiet, sleepy town was now nothing more than a dissonance of melodramatic noises. Even my heartbeat, which should have been the most soothing sound in the world, was too much.
Especially when Gray turned to face me, his sparkling steel eyes soft as he met my shocked expression. “You okay, Ace?”
Okay? Not even a little. I might be having a stroke, a heart attack, or everything in between. He’d outed our secret without so much as a second thought, and now, I was left wondering how in the hell we’d ever put back those pieces. Because a secret like this—one with the power to detonate everything around you? There was no way to put that back into the bottle.
All I could do was nod, not trusting my voice to carry what I needed to say when he was looking at me like that.
Grayson Anders.
My husband.
My voice tried to come up with an answer for how I was feeling, but it all came to a screeching halt when my sister, Calla, stepped between us. Her hand clamped down on her hips, steam practically boiling out of her ears as she stared at us. She pointed her finger at Gray, but her eyes never left mine. “I’m sorry, but did he just call you his wife ?”
My eyes widened as they met Gray’s, and I could see the moment he realized his mistake. It deflated a little bit of my rage, knowing he never meant to betray me, but then again, Calla wasn’t staring at him, demanding answers with her scowl.
Seeing such hurt in her expression almost killed me. I hated being the cause of her pain. My little sister was my whole heart, and typically, I would do anything for her.
However, my emotions had already been through the wringer tonight, and I wasn’t about to expose all my fraying nerves for the world to see, not after spending the last few hours avoiding Gray, trying to pretend like we were little more than strangers. I glanced at him, and his gaze had yet to break away from me.
As he looked at me, a painful truth washed over me. I missed him. It was hard enough occupying the same space as him, knowing we’d never get back to what we once were. But seeing him now? Staring at me like he actually cared? Hearing him refer to me as his wife? It poured pounds of salt into an already-painful wound.
I shook my head as I looked at Calla. “I can’t do this right now.”
“So it’s true?” she whispered. Hurt marred her usual smile, her eyes already brimming with unshed tears. “You got married?” She exhaled slowly, bringing her hand up to her stomach. “When?”
I closed my eyes, knowing the answer wouldn’t make things any easier. “Five years ago.”
Calla let out a soft cry, a strange blend of laughter and a sob. “Five years? You’ve been keeping this from us– from me –for five years?” She shook her head. “What the fuck, Devyn?”
“It’s not on her,” Gray said, stepping to my side. While I knew he had the best intentions, it was the absolute worst timing. I almost snorted. That was practically the theme song of my life with Gray: always the wrong time.
Calla’s eyes snapped to him. “Don’t you even start with me, Grayson. We’ve seen each other every week for months , and you never thought to mention that you’re married to my sister?” She stared back at me. “So clearly, this is some messed-up joke, because you two have barely been in the same room since high school.”
“It was a mistake,” I said at the same time as Gray said, “It’s a long story.”
I shook my head, reaching out to take my sister’s hand, but she just stepped out of my way. My head ducked down to my chest. This was the exact reason I never told her. I never wanted to see that look in her eyes. It was hard enough knowing I loved her former boyfriend; I never wanted her to know I’d actually married him. Even though our marriage license was the only thing that still bound us together, I never wanted anything to shake my sister’s faith in me.
“I can explain,” I said. “Just not tonight, Calla. Please. I can’t get into this right now.”
“Fine,” Calla snapped, turning into her husband, Theo’s, embrace. “I’ve been in the dark long enough. What’s a little longer? But you need to figure this out, Devyn. Because I would love to know why my sister is not only married, but married to a guy I thought you hated.”
“I don’t hate Gray,” I insisted, stepping forward.
“Good to know,” my husband pushed out at my side.
“Not now, Grayson,” I bit back. I turned back to say more to Calla, but she was already in the parking lot, climbing into Theo’s SUV. Everyone else had dispersed during our argument, probably not wanting to get in the middle. But now that I was standing here, watching my little sister drive away, it was like the last piece of my fractured heart had shattered at my feet.
Just as my sadness started to rip a hole through my chest, Gray placed his hand on my shoulder. “Come on, Devyn. The least I can do is get you a drink.”
I snorted, shoving his hand off me. “Are you fucking serious, Gray? How could you do that?”
His steely eyes hardened. “What the fuck did you expect me to do, Devyn? Stand there and watch as that asshole put his hands on you?”
“Yes!” I snapped. “I had everything under control.”
“Oh, bullshit,” Gray scoffed. “Lie to them, lie to everyone else in the world, but don’t lie to me, Devyn. I know you too well for that.”
I shook my head. It was too much. Gray was too close. Too many emotions clouded my mind. Typically, my best trait was my ability to switch off my feelings and focus on the task at hand. That was what everyone at work had always told me. But right now, staring at the man who captured my heart decades ago, I didn’t feel like that cold, callous woman. No, I felt like a teenager again, standing on my front porch, begging the universe to let my best friend notice me.
Echoes of our past leeched under my skin, snapping me back to the moment, closing my heart yet again to the man in front of me.
I jabbed my finger into his chest. “No, you don’t. Not anymore. And this marriage was nothing more than a mistake. You and I both know that. You should have signed the divorce papers years ago, Gray, and none of this would have ever happened.”
His gaze only hardened at my words. “It’s not that easy, Devyn. ”
“And you say I’m full of shit,” I scoffed, shoving my purse up on my shoulder. I turned around, stomping toward my car. As I pulled the door open, I called out, “This changes nothing, Gray. Sign the damn papers so we can get out of each other’s lives for good.”
Gray just stood there, running his hand through his long, wavy hair. It made the muscles of his forearms flex, and I wondered if he’d added any more tattoos to his collection. What the fuck? That was the last thing I should be thinking about. I refused to meet his eyes, not knowing what I would find there. Because even though I said the words, the idea of living without Gray sank in my chest like a lead balloon. Our paths had barely crossed over the years, yet I still kept him close to my chest, like a baby blanket you’ve held onto even as it became tattered and frayed.
I shook my head as I climbed into the driver’s seat, more than ready to head back to the city. This town had a habit of messing with my mind, making me remember things I would rather forget.
But when I reached the end of the parking lot, I slowed my rental car to a stop before turning onto the street. I adjusted the rearview mirror, finding Gray still watching. I closed my eyes, working hard to close the doors his appearance had forced open. It took everything in me to shift my foot to the gas and pull away.
As the car headed out of town, I thought of any other way I could convince Gray to sign the divorce papers, but nothing I’d offered seemed to entice him, which only made me angrier. He was the one who ended things; he was the one who walked away when I was willing to try. And now, he was holding out on signing the papers, like some bizarre twist where he didn’t want me but also didn’t want to let me go .
Over the past five years, I’d tried everything to rid my mind of Gray. Distance, no contact—nothing seemed to sever the strings tying me to him. And while I hated that he had so much power over me, I couldn’t deny being around Gray still affected me.
That was the problem with giving your heart away before you’re old enough to know better. You don’t realize you might never get it back.