Chapter 20
TWENTY
As the credits rolled on our third movie of the night, I looked at Gray. His eyes were closed, but he was smiling peacefully in his sleep. He looked younger—like he did before the weight of the world had fallen on his shoulders.
I rubbed my fingers over my eyes, trying not to think too hard about what Gray had confided in me. Curt had Alzheimer’s. The words sank in, and it took everything to keep from crying. Curt had practically been my second father, stepping up after my own had passed away. He was my dad’s best friend, and Curt loved to tell me stories about him. He’d taught me how to drive, comforted me when my mother married David despite our concerns.
And now, when he needed me the most, there was nothing I could do to save him. No money and no amount of knowledge could stop the inevitable, and that was a bitter pill to swallow.
Almost as bitter as the realization I had wasted years with him because I was angry with Gray.
Shaking my head, I lifted myself off the couch, grabbing my wine glass to bring it to the sink. I also took Gray’s empty water glass; he’d stopped drinking hours earlier because he needed to drive back home.
As I placed the glasses on the dish rack, Gray groaned painfully in his sleep. Before I even realized what was happening, I rushed back to his side. His peaceful expression was long gone, replaced by a furrowed brow and some light perspiration on his forehead. I took one of his hands in mine and placed the other on his cheek.
Shit, what were you supposed to do during a nightmare? You couldn’t wake people up if they were sleepwalking, but was it the same if they were having a bad dream? I wasn’t risking it. Instead, I just stayed at Gray’s side, holding his hand a little tighter each time he mumbled under his breath.
After a few minutes, Gray suddenly shot up, taking my hand with him. I almost stumbled off the couch, but Gray reached out to steady me, holding me closer than before—closer than I’d been in a long time.
“Devyn?” he asked, his chest heaving with exertion.
“You fell asleep,” I said quickly, hoping it would explain my closer proximity. “I think you were having a bad dream, but I didn’t know if I should wake you up.”
I glanced down at our joined hands, and Gray released me, moving back to his end of the couch. Rubbing his hands over his eyes, he stared off into the distance. “Sorry if I scared you. I’ve been having nasty dreams since my dad got diagnosed.”
“I’m so sorry, Gray.”
“Don’t be.” He shifted back toward me. “Thanks for being here.”
“Always,” I said, not realizing what had slipped out before I said it.
Gray’s eyes flared to life at the simple term, the one that always meant more between us than any other promises. The word was our bond, but neither of us had said it in years. He swallowed slowly, and I couldn’t help but watch the muscles in his throat move.
He reached out, placing his hand on top of mine. The tattoos covering his forearms stuck out from underneath his sleeves, and I glanced down at them. I’d seen some of his artwork over the years, usually only peeking out of his uniform. The hint of the designs made my mouth dry up, wondering where and how far they traveled. I wanted to trace them with my fingertips, wanted to know why he’d chosen each one.
As I studied his forearms, Gray reached up, placing his hand on my cheek. The first stroke of his thumb against my skin was like a lightning bolt through my chest, bringing me back to life after years of going through the motions.
“Devyn…” he whispered as his eyes dipped down to my lips.
All I wanted was to feel his mouth on mine, to seal this moment with a promise for more. I craved his hands on me, needing to know what it was like when we came together. He was so close. All it would take was one move, and I would finally remember how his kiss tasted.
But my bruised heart wouldn’t let me.
I jumped back, needing as much space as possible. This wasn’t just anybody —it was Gray. My former best friend, my “landlord,” and my husband. If we were to cross that line, it would mean something, at least to me. Maybe Gray could hold that line between physical and emotional, but there was no way I could. There was too much history between us for it to be casual.
I stood up, darting over to the kitchen. As I went, I called out over my shoulder, “You should probably get going. It’s getting late, and you’re already tired.” I grabbed a coffee pod from the cabinet. “Do you want me to make?—”
My words cut off when Gray’s hands found my waist, keeping me trapped between him and the counter. His chest was against my back, and I could feel his heart pounding almost as hard as mine. “Why’d you run from me, Ace?” he whispered in my ear.
I shook my head. “I didn’t.”
“What have I told you about that?” I could feel his hands tighten against my skin. “Don’t lie to me, Devyn. Even if it hurts, I want your truth.”
I sighed, forcing myself to breathe. It was hard when he was this close—when his hands were on me. Being around Gray was already a struggle, and it was getting harder to remember why I was so upset with him. All I wanted was to move his hands between my legs, to show him why I was internally panicking.
“I don’t know how to do this,” I admitted. Gray released me, turning me around so I faced him. I dropped my eyes to the floor, unsure I’d be able to get the words out if he kept looking at me like that. “There’s this…pull between us, and it scares the hell out of me.”
“Why?”
I dared to glance up at him. “Because I don’t know what we’re doing, Gray. Every time we’ve gotten closer, I…”
“You’ve gotten hurt,” Gray said. His hands left my waist, instead grabbing the counter behind me. “I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life, Devyn,” he whispered, reaching to brush my hair back from my face. I hadn’t even noticed it had fallen out, too distracted by my husband. “And all the ones that haunt me the most? They all revolve around you.”
My lip trembled as I looked up at him, trying to hold on to this moment of rare vulnerability. What would it be like to let this resentment go? To let go of the past and let Grayson back in? But as much as I wanted to, I didn’t trust him, not with my heart. It might have been a battered, tired little thing, but it still beat in my chest. I couldn’t risk any more damage at Gray’s hands.
His thumb swiped along my cheek, brushing away a tear I hadn’t noticed. “I’ve missed you, Devyn, more than I ever thought possible. But if you’re not there yet, or if you don’t think you can forgive me, I understand. You want me to sign the divorce papers? I’ll do it. You want me to get out of your life and never see me again? Done. If that’s what it’ll take for you to be happy, just say the word, and I’ll make it happen.” He lowered his face, bringing both hands to my neck. “But if there’s even a chance for more, I’m going to try. We’ve never given this a real shot, and I’ll be damned if I let you go without a fight.”
Was that what I wanted? If you asked me a couple of days ago, the answer would have been a resounding no, slamming the door on any possibility of Gray and me. But so much had shifted in my life lately, and this was the one place I felt safe. Despite our past, Gray was still here, still looking at me like I was the same wide-eyed girl who had fallen for him years ago.
And while I wasn’t completely ready to let go of our past, I was so tired of holding it all in, so tired of secrets and guarding the fractured remnants of my heart. What would it feel like to just ride through these emotions with Gray?
He must have seen the conflict in my expression, because Gray sighed and took a step back. It was already too cold without him close. He grabbed his coat, turning back toward me. “I’m going to give you some space to sort things out. You know where to find me when you figure out what you want.”
He leaned forward, pressing his lips to my forehead. I instinctively leaned into him, my fingers brushing against his chest. Gray squeezed my hand once, and then he was gone, calling for Elsa as he walked out the front door.
As soon as the door closed, I dropped my head to the counter and growled in frustration. How the hell had I gotten myself into this mess? For years, I was so angry with Gray, hating how we’d come together just to be ripped apart all over again. But from the moment I stepped back into this town, Gray had been lowering my defenses, making me remember why I’d fallen for him.
But I wasn’t a na?ve teenager anymore. I wouldn't let past feelings, no matter how strong, blindly lead me. Because yes, it had been hard to live my life without Gray in it, but I’d survived. And honestly, if we got close and I lost him all over again…I didn’t know if that would still be the case.
I was still standing in the same spot, worrying about all the outcomes, when Gray stormed back inside, snow covering his hair and jacket.
“Shit.” He shook his head as he looked at me. “There’s easily two feet of snow out there. I’ll be out of here as soon as I dig my truck out, but it might take a bit.”
My eyes widened as I looked out the door behind him. The snow was up around Gray’s truck tires, and even with its height, there was no way I’d want him traveling down dark, windy roads in this weather.
“You should stay,” I said, not even sure where the words came from.
Gray paused, watching me like he was waiting for me to take the words back. He swallowed heavily as he came a little closer. “Are you sure?”
I nodded. “You have a bedroom here. I’d rather you stay and know you’re safe.” I glanced out the window, noticing the heavy snow falling behind him. “You shouldn’t be driving in this weather.”
Gray’s eyes flickered with understanding. My dad died in a car accident while driving late at night on roads like these. All it took was one slick spot, and his car had veered off the road, colliding with a tree. He never stood a chance.
It had taken a long time to conquer my fear of driving. I still wasn’t completely comfortable behind the wheel, especially in bad weather. That was fine in the city, but up here? I’d probably have to figure out something eventually. Either that, or I’d be house bound from October to March.
Gray’s eyes met mine, and he nodded. “Okay, Ace. I’ll stay.”