Chapter 6
“I never thought you’d leave your family.” Austin sat back on the sofa in the corner of the bar and shook his head slowly. “Are you sure that’s what you really want?”
Of course she wasn’t sure. She wasn’t sure of anything. That was part of the problem. Navigating life and all its complex decisions had never been much of a trial before, but then…everything had gotten muddied and complicated. And dangerous. She squeezed her eyes shut and tried to block the memory.
But she failed. Just like she’d failed to banish the horror movie from her brain countless times before. She’d messed up, and her conscience was never going to let her forget it.
And why would it? If she was allowed to forget what she’d done, if she didn’t learn from it, God knows what could happen.
She shook her head. She deserved this punishment.
The mental torture would stop her from dreaming that she could slip back into Hannah’s arms, from hoping to ever hold her children again.
“Janie?”
She looked across at Austin, so comfortable in his skin, so confident in his self-identity.
When he’d taken an interest in her after he’d moved to Chicago from their office in Houston, she’d been a little starstruck by his charm.
And his understanding; that’d made her guard drop too.
But unlike Katherine Hill, Austin’s interest had been purely professional.
When she talked, he listened. Really listened.
His eyes didn’t wander to the baby monitor or to any one of the highchairs where the babies sat.
He gave her his full attention. Of course, it made sense that Hannah’s attention had wandered.
Hannah hadn’t known why the triplets needed her complete attention, but she’d clearly sensed it.
She’d clearly made the connection that Janie shouldn’t be trusted with their children.
“Janie? Are you okay?”
She offered Austin a smile, and he raised his eyebrows.
“You don’t have to smile at me unless you mean it,” he said. “You should know that by now.”
She laughed lightly. “We’ve been talking for a little over a month. I don’t think that qualifies me to make that judgment.”
“You don’t?” Austin frowned. “I feel like I know you better than people who’ve been in my orbit for decades. When two people connect like we have, friendship isn’t measured in time.”
Her answering smile was far more genuine this time, albeit a little tentative.
She’d been wondering if she could truly count Austin as her friend once that spark of attraction had faded, but now he’d given her permission to do exactly that.
“I don’t know what I want. I don’t really know who I am anymore.
” She took a long sip of red wine and gazed beyond Austin into the crowd of other lawyers gathered at the bar, demanding service.
If Janie worked here, she’d spit into the glasses of many of the people who frequented the place.
The thought made her study her own glass, but she’d always been pleasant and polite to all the staff, regardless of her mood or if she’d won or lost her most recent case.
“Are you talking to someone about this?” Austin asked.
Janie motioned toward him with her half-empty glass. “I’m talking to you.”
“You know what I mean, Janie,” he said, raising his eyebrows. “You need to talk to someone who can help you parse out this conundrum.”
She scoffed. “If only it were that easy.”
“I thought you said you were seeing a couples’ therapist. Couldn’t she—”
“Oh, crap.” Janie tilted her head back and blew out a long breath. Would the examples of how poor a human being she was never stop coming?
Austin frowned. “What’s wrong?”
Janie slipped her phone from her purse and checked the calendar app. This was why she didn’t deserve a family. “We had a session tonight.” She closed her eyes briefly. “But I conveniently forgot.”
“Isn’t that what you have an assistant for? To keep you apprised of your commitments?”
Janie tapped her messages app and sighed inwardly at the unopened message from Amanda doing exactly that.
“She did. And she tried to tell me something as I was leaving the office, but I was in too much of a hurry to get a drink with you. Seems like I was determined to miss it.” There were messages and missed calls from Hannah too, but she couldn’t bring herself to read or listen to them, couldn’t bear to hear the disappointment in Hannah’s voice.
She was fighting so hard to keep their family together when really, she should just let Janie go and find someone worthy of the titles of mom and wife.
She deserved someone better and so did the triplets.
“Maybe you need a therapist just for yourself before you dive back into couples’ therapy,” Austin said. “Maybe that’s why you sub-consciously stopped yourself from going to that appointment.”
Janie emptied her glass and nodded toward the bar. She’d need a top-up if they were going to continue this conversation. “Do you want another?”
“No, thanks.”
She didn’t miss Austin’s slight frown, but she did choose to ignore it.
She needed a boost to get her over hump day, and she wasn’t going to let his judgment stop her.
When she got to the bar, she considered ordering a full bottle but then quickly changed her mind, not wanting to add aspiring alcoholic to her burgeoning list of flaws.
“Same again?” Chris asked as he took her glass and deposited it below the bar.
Janie glanced back at Austin, who gave her a tight smile.
Then she surveyed the rest of the room and saw several of her other colleagues with empty glasses lined up on their tables.
Their job was stressful, and they needed a little kicker here and there.
Right now, so did she. “Yes, please.” She flashed her card to pay.
Chris poured more than the measure she’d asked for into a fresh glass. “Rough day?”
“Rough year,” she said, without thinking to censor her answer. How cliché to pour out her troubles to the bartender and yet struggle to speak to a professional.
He laughed lightly. “Anything you want to talk about?”
She registered the look in his eyes that made it clear he was offering more than just his shoulder to cry on.
She glanced over at Austin again, and he widened his eyes.
Clearly, he’d interpreted Chris’s expression as she had.
Janie shook her head. “Not really.” She didn’t need further complications in her life, and she wasn’t about to start cheating on Hannah, even though they were technically separated.
Austin had been a similar temptation, but she knew now that she’d misinterpreted their instant friend connection and the ease with which they’d fallen into intimate conversation.
“Thank you, though,” she said and placed five dollars on the bar.
He gave a rueful smile and slipped the cash into his pocket. “I’m here until eleven,” he winked, “if you change your mind.”
Janie took her glass and returned to the table without a backward glance. Austin shifted slightly and glared at Chris, so she assumed he’d stared at a particular part of her anatomy as she walked away.
“If you do decide to end your marriage,” Austin said, “there’ll be a line of wannabe replacements.”
Janie inhaled sharply, the prospect of letting go of the love of her life sharply stabbing her heart. But she didn’t really have a choice. It wouldn’t be fair to Hannah to keep her hoping against hope that their family could ever be whole again.
Austin reached across the table and touched Janie’s hand lightly.
“Hey, I’m joking. Badly, obviously. There’s something going on with you that you’re not telling me.
” He squeezed her hand gently when she opened her mouth to protest. “And that’s okay; you don’t have to tell me anything.
But you should seriously consider getting your own therapist to work things through.
” He withdrew his hand and gestured to a group of their colleagues heckling each other like hyenas around the pool table.
“You don’t want this to affect your work, or that pack of coyotes will be all over your professional carcass. ”
Janie wrinkled her nose. “That’s gross, Austin.”
He nodded. “It would be. They’d be picking over your cases like they’re pulling flesh from—”
“Stop,” Janie said. “Seriously. I get it.” She glanced over at them but quickly looked away when Katherine caught her gaze and gave Janie her signature seduction smile.
She’d repulsed Janie before, but now that she knew Katherine was Lori’s ex, and the woman Lori had referred to only as “the lawyer,” the strength of that revulsion had grown exponentially.
She still couldn’t believe that the wicked ex-wife she’d heard Hannah and Gabe talk about was at her own firm when there were over five hundred other law offices in the city she could’ve worked for.
“You know I’m here for you, Janie,” Austin said. “If you need to talk about anything, I’ll hear you.”
She had to look away from the intense kindness in his eyes.
Kindness she didn’t deserve. If he actually heard the reason for the darkness dragging her down, Janie couldn’t see him sticking around.
She’d lose his friendship just like she’d lost Hannah and the girls, and selfishly, she couldn’t face that.
There was also the extremely large issue that she couldn’t even bring herself to voice the problem in her head, let alone say it out loud, to Austin or to a therapist. “Thanks. I appreciate you,” Janie said.
“I just think this is something I need to work through by myself for a while.”
“Okay, but just remember I’m here. And don’t get lost in the darkness alone.” Austin looked slightly beyond her, and an unmistakable sadness overtook his usually bright green eyes.