Chapter 12
Yesterday, Janie had tried to wait until after work to message Hannah, but in the end, she couldn’t concentrate until she’d arranged to meet her.
That same lack of focus had kicked in again on her way to court today and had only been exacerbated when her judge was delayed for her case management conference.
Now that was finally over, she made her way to the garage.
The traffic inexplicably eased up, and she ended up there thirty minutes early.
She parked around the back and was pleased to see the bank of cars and trucks waiting for work.
It looked like their financial gamble was paying off, and Hannah’s dream was on its way to being a viable reality.
At least one thing was going right in their lives, and Janie’s mother couldn’t use it against them.
Janie turned off the engine and scoffed silently at her naivete; her mother could weaponize any situation to her advantage.
Janie started to walk up the alley to Bonnie’s Brew to wait rather than sit in the garage waiting room.
She had no idea what the rest of Hannah’s friends thought about her right now, and she was in no hurry to be on the receiving end of more negativity.
She was still struggling to shake off her mother’s visit, and her self-loathing hadn’t faded much either, especially after her aborted attempt to reconnect with Hannah on Saturday.
The irony of the restaurant’s name, Embers, hadn’t been lost on her as she’d left, wondering if her marriage was beyond rekindling.
The garage’s side door creaked open, and she glanced behind her to see RB emerging, wiping her hands on a cloth that may have once been white. Their eyes met, making it impossible for Janie not to acknowledge her. She gave a hesitant wave, unsure whether or not she should stop to talk.
RB nodded in her direction. “Are you coming in?”
Janie paused mid-step and gestured up the alley. “I was going for coffee.”
“That makes two of us.” RB closed the door behind her and joined Janie in a couple of purposeful strides.
“Oh… Okay.” Janie tried for a smile but from RB’s reaction, it was clear she hadn’t succeeded.
“I’m not going to give you a hard time, Janie,” RB said, and her frown deepened, “if that’s what you’re worried about.”
She fell into step with RB, paying close attention to the pitted ground, not wanting to break a heel. “Do I look worried?”
RB raised her eyebrow and nodded. “But you don’t need to.
About me or any of the others. We all know Solo can be tough to take.
” She caught Janie’s arm when Janie stumbled slightly on a loose stone and chuckled.
“We’ve lived with her for years. It’s a wonder none of us buried her alive in the desert. ”
“Really?” Janie risked a sideways glance at RB. “She was that bad?”
“She was that bad.”
RB offered her arm, and Janie took it, not wanting to add a twisted ankle to her list of problems.
“She’s mellowed some since you took her on,” RB said, “but she’s still an acquired taste.”
Janie bit the inside of her cheek. They might be separated, but that didn’t mean she took kindly to people bad-mouthing her wife. Although, RB wasn’t people. She was Hannah’s family. “This isn’t Hannah’s fault.”
RB opened the door to Bonnie’s and gestured for Janie to enter. “That’s not the way she tells it.”
The blast of cool air from inside the café made her wish she’d brought her light jacket with her, but it was the ice-cold fingers wrapping around her heart that chilled her to the core.
In her shame, she’d forgotten that they were having problems before.
..before she’d proven herself to be a terrible mom, and that meant Hannah thought everything was her fault.
Janie’s fears that she was also a bad wife resurfaced from their shallow hiding place and taunted her further.
RB placed an order for her team and turned to Janie. “What can I get you?”
Janie waved the offer away. “That’s okay. I’ll get mine.”
“Don’t be crazy,” RB said. “What’s your poison?”
“Half-fat vanilla latte, please.” She smiled and glanced up at the ceiling, trying to stave off the tears in response to RB’s kindness, which was another thing she didn’t deserve. Especially because RB was one of Hannah’s closest friends. “Thank you.”
RB winked. “No problem.”
They moved to the end of the line to wait for their drinks, and Janie was engulfed in a silent bubble, not sure what else to say.
After a minute or so, RB cleared her throat. “You know that you’re family too, right?”
Janie opened her mouth to respond, but her mental black dog snapped the words back. That’s another thing you don’t deserve. And she didn’t feel like family either, but how could she when she’d barely spent any time with them?
“Is there anything we can do?” RB asked after the time for Janie to respond had slipped away. “Solo is a giant pain in our butt, but she’s our giant pain. We’ll do whatever it takes to help you two get through this.”
The barista called RB’s name, and she seemed to hesitate before going to the counter to get her coffee tray.
It was only a momentary respite though. Janie couldn’t remain mute on the walk back to the garage.
“I wish it was that easy,” she said when RB returned and motioned for Janie to join her at the table to add the fixings.
RB shrugged. “I haven’t had a girlfriend for longer than a month, so I can’t begin to understand what it takes to keep a marriage going. But I’ve never seen Solo like this. She’s…broken, but she’s still trying to keep moving forward for the girls.”
Another brutal stab to her heart. Janie couldn’t take much more of this.
If only she’d rear-ended someone and been delayed, then she wouldn’t have had to face RB.
Coming to see Hannah had been enough of a challenge, but she’d really hoped she wouldn’t have to talk to her band of brothers too.
“I’m sorry… I don’t know what else to say. ”
“You don’t have to say anything,” RB said as she loaded three sugars into one of the cups. “But I hope—we all hope—that you’ll give Solo another chance.” She put her hand on Janie’s arm gently. “She’s trying, Janie. She really is.”
Janie swallowed and stumbled past RB. “Sorry, I have to go to the restroom. Don’t wait.” She rushed into a cubicle and sat on the toilet seat before resting her head in her hands. If she couldn’t talk to RB, how was she supposed to see Hannah? Especially with the news she had.
She dabbed at the corners of her eyes with tissue and sucked in a deep breath.
This was her wife, not a cantankerous judge, and it was just a conversation, not a trial.
When she’d managed to pull herself together, she headed out of the restroom to see her coffee still waiting for her and RB was gone.
She took a long sip, hoping the caffeine might infuse some courage, and then took the short stroll back to the garage.
Hannah was waiting by the alley’s side door and gave Janie an awkward-looking wave.
She looked as handsome as always in her painted-up coveralls, but dark circles under her eyes were clear signals of the stress she was under, of which Janie was the architect.
And now she was going to pile on more worries.
“RB told me you were at Bonnie’s,” Hannah said. “I didn’t know if you might want to talk there instead.”
Janie shook her head. There was no telling if she’d be able to maintain control of her emotions once she began relaying the story of her mother’s visit, and the garage’s breakroom was about as private as she could hope for without going home.
Home… Where all her guilt originated. That wasn’t a place she could even think about going right now.
“I’m good here, if that’s still okay with you? ”
Hannah stepped to the side and gestured for Janie to enter. “Of course. Sure. Yeah.”
Her obvious nervousness was reminiscent of their early dates, and it made Janie smile a little despite the current circumstances.
What would she give to go back to their first week in Vegas and start all over again?
Though even if that were possible, would it solve anything?
They’d still marry, still have the triplets.
Knowing what she knew now, would she be a better mom?
Or would it just happen again, compounding her shame?
She made her way through the garage and up the stairs to the gang’s chill area, managing minimum contact with the rest of Hannah’s chosen family.
Aside from RB, they looked just as eager to avoid her as she did them.
She stutter-stepped and clutched her hand to her chest when she saw the little nursery setup in the corner of the space.
Were the triplets in there? Caught between rushing forward to see and turning to flee, Janie’s breathing quickened, and she trembled.
Hannah’s hand on the small of her back grounded her, and the deafening rush of blood to her ears drifted away. The nursery was empty.
“Are you okay?”
Hannah came around to face her, and the concern in her expression almost made Janie’s knees give way.
She remembered those looks, when Hannah’s sole focus was her.
God, she’d missed Hannah’s attention when it switched, almost exclusively, to their babies.
Where was the middle ground? Hadn’t that been all Janie was looking for?
To be seen as her wife and not just as the triplets’ mom? “No, I’m not okay.”
Maria’s advice echoed in her head, but this wasn’t the time to confess all that.
Hannah placed her hand on Janie’s upper arm gently. “Do you want to sit down, and we can talk about it?”
Janie nodded and let Hannah guide her to the array of armchairs and sofas gathered around an industrial-looking coffee table. Hannah sat opposite her rather than beside her, and Janie couldn’t decide whether that was a good or bad thing.