Chapter 14 #3
Janie’s blood ran cold. She hadn’t thought about the records. Of course there were records. She’d been careful to pay on her card instead of claiming on their health insurance, but there was still a paper trail. A discoverable paper trail.
“Oh, God,” Janie whispered.
“Yes.” Maria covered Janie’s hand with her own. “You need to tell Hannah everything before your mother’s lawyer finds out and uses it to ambush you in court.”
“I can’t. Not today. I need time to figure out how—”
“There is no good time.” Maria threw her hands in the air. “There is no perfect way to say any of this. There’s just the truth, and the longer you wait, the worse it will get. You and Hannah need to fight this together, but this secret will pull you apart if you don’t share it soon.”
Janie wrapped her arms around herself and rocked slightly. The café was suddenly too small, too close, like the walls were pressing in on her.
“Let me tell you a story about my friend Elena,” Maria said, settling back in her chair, and adopting her usual gentle tone.
“Okay.” Janie nodded and relaxed a little.
“Elena came out when her kids were six and eight. This was the mid-eighties, so you can imagine how well that went. Her husband immediately filed for divorce and full custody. Back then, being gay was enough for the courts to brand you an unfit parent.” Maria paused, and her eyes seemed to focus on a distant place, as if searching for the memory.
“But Elena’s lawyer told her not to worry.
Times were changing, he said. The judge was known to be fair, and Elena was a good mother.
They’d fight it and win. But Elena was ashamed.
She didn’t want her private life being dragged through court.
She was frightened of what people would say. ”
Janie’s chest tightened at the obvious parallels Maria was not-so-subtly drawing.
“So she started keeping secrets.” Maria raised her eyebrows and nodded slowly.
“Small ones at first. Like not telling anyone she’d lost her job, not telling her lawyer about a fight at the kids’ school where another parent had taunted her for being a lesbian.
She thought if she could keep everything looking perfect on the surface, if she didn’t share the chaos, she’d be fine. ”
“What happened?” Janie asked, though she really didn’t want to know.
“Everything came out. As it always has a way of doing, mija. Always. Like water, the truth will always flow. Her husband’s lawyer found out about the job loss, the missed rent payments, and all the other small things Elena had kept hidden.
And when it all came out in court, the judge saw Elena had been less than honest with her own lawyer, and she was painted as unstable.
Dishonest. Someone who couldn’t be trusted. ”
Janie swallowed hard and swirled the coffee in her cup. “Did she lose custody?”
“Yes.” Maria nibbled on another piece of pan dulce. “Not because she was gay, in the end. Not even because of the job loss or the other issues. But because the shame and secrecy made her look like she had something terrible to hide. The judge didn’t trust her, and Elena lost her children.”
Tears burned at the back of Janie’s eyes. This could be her story Maria might tell another virtual stranger in a few years. “Did she ever get them back?”
Maria pursed her lips and shook her head.
“By the time she’d gotten herself together and was in a position to try for custody again, her kids were teenagers.
Their father had told them so many bad things about her, and they were angry.
They didn’t want to see her.” She took a sip of her coffee and sighed, like the story had drained her energy somehow.
“She has a relationship with them now, and they’ve worked through some of it.
But they’re adults, and she missed their entire childhoods.
All those years, poof.” She flicked her fingers.
“Gone. Because she was too ashamed to ask for help. Too scared to be honest.”
Janie’s tears spilled over, running hot down her cheeks. “I don’t want that. I don’t want to lose them, Maria. But I don’t deserve them. I don’t deserve Hannah.”
“Nonsense.” Maria frowned. “You made a mistake. Don’t let shame isolate you. Don’t let fear keep you from being honest with the one person who should be standing beside you through this.”
“But what if Hannah can’t forgive me? The triplets are her life. What if she looks at me and sees what I see?”
“What if she doesn’t?” Maria smiled. “What if she sees what I see? A woman who made a mistake, who’s been carrying it alone because she’s too afraid to let anyone help her carry it? What if Hannah surprises you?”
Janie wiped at her face, her hands shaking. “You make it sound so simple.”
“It isn’t. And you’re right; it is terrifying.
” Maria leaned forward and took Janie’s hand again.
“But, Janie, listen to me. Really listen. Your mother is threatening to take your children. She has lawyers and resources and probably investigators who are digging into every aspect of your life. They will find out about the ER visit, and they’ll use it against you.
Do you want to be the one who tells your wife, or do you want her to hear it from your mother’s lawyer in a courtroom? ”
The visceral and horrifying images played in her mind: Hannah’s face as the evidence of Janie’s negligence was laid out for all to see.
The devastation in Hannah’s eyes at Janie’s betrayal, at the realization that Janie had been lying all along, and now she was losing her children because of it. “I can’t do this,” Janie whispered.
“Yes, you can. You have to.” Maria squeezed Janie’s hand tightly. “You said that Hannah was trying to find a new nanny, yes?”
Janie nodded. “She’s interviewing tomorrow, and she said she’d push the interviews to the evening so I could be part of it.”
Maria smiled. “So she’s including you. She’s asking for your input. That is your opening, mija. Go home tomorrow. Help interview the nannies. And then, when you have a quiet moment, tell her the truth. All of it.”
Janie wanted to argue, wanted to find a reason to wait just a little longer.
But Maria’s words, and Elena’s story, had shaken something loose inside her.
The truth was already out there, documented and waiting to be discovered.
Janie could only control when and how Hannah heard it if she acted soon, but Hannah would hear it one way or another.
“Okay,” she said, dredging courage from deep within and fighting off the fear that her confession would be the death knell on everything that was important to her. “I’ll tell her tomorrow, I promise.”
Maria tapped Janie’s hand and gave an encouraging smile. “Good. That’s good, mija.”
They sat in silence for a while, drinking their coffee and watching the afternoon light shift across the café walls.
Around them, the café got busier. People ordered pastries and coffee, had conversations and laughed with each other, came together and shared their troubles.
The world kept turning even though Janie’s was falling apart.
She nibbled on her bottom lip. “Can I ask you something?”
“Of course.”
“How do you always know the right thing to say?” Janie tilted her head and studied Maria’s deeply lined face. “How do you always have these perfect stories that make me see what I need to see?”
Maria laughed loudly. “You think I always know the right thing to say? Mija, I’ve made a hundred mistakes just like yours. I know what it’s like to carry shame that feels too heavy to share. And I know what happens when you carry it alone for too long.”
“What happens?” Janie asked, thinking that Elena’s story might really be Maria’s.
“It crushes you. Or you finally get tired of carrying it and set it down.” Maria smiled and gave a small shrug. “I’m just trying to stop that from happening to you.”
Janie’s phone buzzed with a text.
Everything’s shifted for tomorrow. Can you do seven? And maybe you could stay for dinner after the nanny interviews. The girls would love to see you. No pressure, just thought I’d ask.
Janie stared at the message. Hannah was hoping for more time together than just the interviews. She was offering family dinner, time with the girls, and a chance to be part of their lives again.
A chance to tell the truth.
That sounds good. I’d like that. She set the phone down and looked at Maria, who seemed to be eyeing her cautiously. “I’m going to tell her. I really am.”
“I believe you,” Maria said.
Janie nodded and smiled. She believed herself too. Almost.