Chapter 17 #3
“And finally,” Rae set down her pen and looked at them seriously, “I want you both to practice radical honesty. You can’t hide your feelings to protect each other.
No more suffering in silence. If something’s hard, you say it’s hard.
If you’re angry, or scared, or overwhelmed, you name it.
You can’t rebuild trust without honesty, and you can’t have intimacy without vulnerability. ”
Solo thought about her admission that she was a little angry about Janie keeping her secret. It’d been hard to say, but Janie hadn’t crumbled. She hadn’t run. Instead, she’d listened, and apologized, and owned her part in it. Solo became increasingly sure they could do this.
“There’s one more thing,” Rae said, looking at Janie. “You’re going to need to tell the court about your postpartum depression and show that you’re getting treatment.”
Janie’s face went as pale as Rae’s office walls. “Won’t that work against us?”
Rae shook her head. “No, it will make you look like a responsible parent who recognized she was struggling and sought help. The alternative is your mother’s lawyer finding out you’ve been dealing with untreated mental health issues and using that to paint you as unstable.
Getting help is a strength, not a weakness.
And any good judge will see it that way. ”
Solo rubbed hard at her forehead and tugged her ear. “How would they find out? Isn’t everything we talk about here confidential?”
“Of course it is,” Rae said. “But Janie’s mother has money. And that can buy unscrupulous people who are happy to do even more unscrupulous things, like searching through your trash for the box your new medication comes in, for example.”
Solo huffed and squeezed Janie’s hand. Maybe they should install cameras around the house’s exterior. “We’ll tell David tomorrow and get ahead of it.”
Janie nodded, looking shell-shocked.
Rae went over to her desk. “I’m calling Dr. Vale, a psychiatrist colleague. She often keeps a little time each day for emergency appointments. Can you clear some time to do this today?”
“Yes.”
Solo smiled at the firm intention clear in Janie’s voice. “I’ll call Gabe and—”
“No,” Janie said. “I need to do this part on my own.”
“But I want to support you with all of this.” Solo frowned and looked over to Rae for backup.” Surely this is something we should do together?”
Rae lowered the phone from her ear. “That’s Janie’s call, Hannah.”
Solo snapped her gaze back to Janie. One of the reasons they were here now was her inattention to Janie’s needs. She couldn’t tread the same path, or this was all for nothing. “Okay. If that’s what you want.”
Janie squeezed Solo’s thigh and gave her a small smile. “It’s what I want and need.”
After Rae had made the appointment for Janie, they scheduled more frequent therapy sessions and coordinated their weekly check-ins and dates. By the time they left Rae’s office, Solo’s head was spinning with information, plans, and feelings.
They walked to their cars in silence, parked side by side in the lot. When they reached Janie’s car, Solo stopped her before she could get in. “Hey,” she said. “Thank you for being willing to hear that I was angry. I know that couldn’t have been easy.”
“You had every right to feel that way.” Janie rubbed at some dirt on the paintwork and didn’t look at Solo. “You still do.”
“I’m serious that I’m not holding onto it. I’m just trying to do this therapy thing right and do what Rae’s telling me to do.” Solo tucked a strand of Janie’s hair behind her ear. “You’re really okay about doing all of this? All of the homework, the dating, the honesty.”
“It’s about our future and what we want from it. I want this, Han. I want us. And I’m willing to do the work to get there.”
“Me too.” Solo kissed Janie’s forehead. “Come over tonight? We can work on the ten things we love about each other.”
Janie’s answering smile lit a fire under Solo’s butt. God damn, she’d missed her beautiful, unguarded smile. That was definitely one thing for the list.
“I’d like that,” Janie said.
Solo stuffed her hands in her pockets, not wanting to leave. “And call if you need me after you’ve been to the doc, okay?”
“I will.”
“And Janie?” Solo waited until Janie met her eyes. “Everything you’ve been going through… I’m glad Rae named it. I’m glad we can treat it.”
“I’m scared.” Janie grasped Solo’s shirt. “What if medication doesn’t help? What if I stay like this?”
“We’ll figure it out together. But Rae seems convinced it’s going to help more than you think, and she’s the expert.
” Solo looked down at Janie’s hand scrunching her tee.
She pulled her hands from her pockets and caressed Janie’s soft skin, another thing for her list. “You’re not a bad mom.
You’re a great mom with a medical condition. There’s a huge difference.”
Janie’s eyes filled with tears again, but this time they looked more like relief than despair.
“How does seven o’clock sound?” Solo asked. “Come for dinner. We’ll eat with the girls and Dad, and then after their bedtime, we can work on our lists.”
“Okay.” Janie let go of Solo’s shirt. “I’ll bring wine.”
“Perfect.” They stood there for another moment, Solo not quite ready to separate, and it seemed Janie shared the feeling.
Finally, Janie reached up and cupped Solo’s cheek. “Thank you,” she whispered. “For not giving up on me and fighting for us even when I was too broken to fight for myself.”
“Always,” Solo said. “I’ll always fight for us.
” She hadn’t realized the battle they were in before, but now that she did, she’d fight with every breath in her body, and then some.
“Can I kiss you?” She waited, and time seemed to slow around them until Janie nodded.
Solo cupped Janie’s face and pressed her lips to Janie’s briefly with a soft kiss she hoped was full of the promises Solo had made.
She watched Janie drive away, then sat in her own car for a long moment, trying to make sense of everything that had happened in the session and everything that had to happen for their little family to be safe again.
Postpartum depression. It made so much sense now. Sure, Solo had exacerbated the problem with her own work schedule and issues. But their fights had been about more than that, even before the accident that had been the final straw.
Solo started her car and headed toward the garage, already looking forward to seeing Janie later. They were starting fresh and building something new from the pieces of what they’d broken.
They were going to make it. She could feel it.
And goddamn, did it feel fucking good.