Chapter 20 #2
Hannah pushed the dress off Janie’s shoulders, and it pooled at her feet.
Janie stood there in the black, lacy underwear she’d purchased at the same shop as the dress yesterday, fighting the urge to cover herself.
She’d been ridiculous, buying a new outfit and sexy underwear, thinking it might solve their problems, thinking it might hide her ugliness, inside and out, somehow.
And now Hannah was stepping back.
Janie watched her face carefully for any hint of disappointment or hesitation. But there was only wonder and reverence. “You’re staring.” She tried for humor, but her vulnerability sang louder than anything else.
“I’m memorizing,” Hannah said and traced her fingers along the textured skin of a stretch mark that ran from Janie’s hip toward her navel.
“They’re taking their sweet time to fade,” Janie said, barely hearing her own voice.
She looked down at the road map of lines marring her skin.
They’d changed considerably from the raised red slashes immediately following the birth of the triplets, but for her, they pulsed like live train tracks across her body.
“They’re part of you, so they’re beautiful.
You’re beautiful.” Hannah splayed her hand over Janie’s stomach, the soft, rounded part that hadn’t existed before the triplets, that Janie had tried so hard to hide under loose clothes.
“This body made our daughters. This body is a fucking miracle, Janie.”
The tears came again, and Janie didn’t try to stop them.
Hannah pulled her close and held her while she cried.
They weren’t sad tears as such. The tiny little drops were filled with something more complicated: self-loathing, loneliness, shame.
Months and months of it. And standing almost naked in front of her wife, whose tender gaze couldn’t have been more loving and supportive, the slow, painful shedding of those feelings truly began.
“I’m sorry.” Janie hiccupped. “I’m crying all over your shirt.” She brushed uselessly at the wet patch on Hannah’s button-down, the one that made her eyes pop. “This is supposed to be sexy.”
“This is sexy,” Hannah said, her expression serious. “You being honest about what you’re feeling and trusting me with your vulnerability. You’ve never been sexier.”
Janie’s heart sped up as Hannah guided them toward the bed. Hannah sat on the edge and pulled Janie to stand between her legs.
“Your turn,” Hannah said, looking up at her. “If you want to.”
Janie looked at her hands. They’d stopped shaking for now, at least. She ran her fingers along Hannah’s collar then popped each button slowly, revealing the sports bra underneath, the flatness of her stomach, the familiar landscape of her body.
Hannah shrugged out of the shirt and tossed it aside, then pulled her bra over her head.
She wasn’t shy about her body and never had been.
Janie supposed that came from her years in the Army, but she didn’t know for sure.
However Hannah’s confidence had come about, Janie envied it.
Hannah’s willingness to be naked made Janie love her all the more, because she was letting herself be vulnerable in a different way and offering herself without reservations or caveats.
Janie traced the defined muscle of Hannah’s shoulders, the evidence of hours spent working on cars, tanks, and armored vehicles.
Her strength was one of the things Janie loved about her.
She followed the line of Hannah’s shoulders with her lips, kissing and nibbling, making her way down the center of her chest. “I missed you,” she whispered against Hannah’s skin.
The power of what they were doing caught up with her and almost dropped her to her knees. “I missed us.”
“I’m right here,” Hannah said hoarsely. “I’m not going anywhere.”
Janie looked up, recognizing the need in Hannah’s voice, and their eyes locked.
For a long moment, she simply stared into Hannah’s eyes.
She wasn’t sure exactly what she was looking for, or what it would even look like if she knew.
What she did find was a deep ocean of love, a yearning that went beyond physical desire but one which still needed that intimacy to fully reconnect, to become who they were together.
Her heart knocked against her ribs, as if trying to reach out for Hannah and bring her back inside, where she belonged.
This was Hannah, her wife. The woman who had seen Janie at her absolute worst and was still here, still choosing her, still looking at her like she hung the moon.
Hannah cupped Janie’s face. “Do you want to keep going?”
Janie placed her hand over Hannah’s. “I do.” She swallowed, the rising heat determined to take control of her mind as well as her body. “God, I do.”
Hannah winked and slipped her hands around Janie’s back. “This is new too, right?” She gave a wicked grin, unhooked the bra easily, and slid it from Janie’s shoulders.
Janie fumbled at Hannah’s belt buckle. She tugged it hard, but the damn thing wouldn’t come loose. “Get these off,” she said, pulling at Hannah’s jeans’ pocket.
Hannah chuckled. “Are you in a hurry now?”
Janie shrugged. “I want to feel your skin against mine.”
Hannah shed her jeans, boxers, and socks in seconds. Then she pulled Janie down onto the bed and rolled them over, so they were facing each other, bodies aligned, chests pressed so close they could Morse code their love in heartbeats.
“Hi,” Hannah said softly as she pushed a few strands of Janie’s hair behind her ear.
“Hi,” Janie said, managing a watery smile as tears welled once again.
Hannah kissed her, slower now, less desperate and more intentional. She slid her hands down Janie’s spine and over her hips, as if mapping out her body with loving curiosity. When she cupped Janie’s breast and squeezed, Janie arched into the touch with a gasp.
“Sensitive,” Hannah murmured and did it again. She circled her thumb over Janie’s nipple until Janie was squirming against her.
“Please,” Janie said, not entirely sure what she was asking for but knowing she needed more of Hannah’s touch.
Hannah rolled Janie onto her back and settled above her, propped on one elbow so she could look down at Janie’s face while she continued her exploration. “I can’t believe I almost lost you,” she whispered, her voice catching.
Janie swallowed hard and wrapped her hand around Hannah’s neck. “I almost lost myself. You had no chance.”
“But now I’ve got a second chance.” Hannah grinned and kissed Janie’s nose. “And I’m not going to waste it.”
She traced patterns on Janie’s stomach and beneath her breasts, and Janie’s repressed passions began to unfurl under the attention. The part of her she’d locked away tight, probably since she’d given birth, was finally ready to resurface under Hannah’s gentle and practiced touch.
Hannah rested her hand on Janie’s hip. “Tell me what you need.”
“I need you to touch me,” Janie said, clasping her hand over Hannah’s. “Really touch me. Like you mean it.”
“Oh, I mean it.” Hannah’s eyes were dark and intense. “I thought I might never get to touch you again… I’ll show you I mean it.”
She slid her hand over Janie’s panties, and even through the sheer fabric, the touch sent shockwaves through Janie’s system.
She hadn’t been touched like this in so long…
She hadn’t let herself be touched, hadn’t wanted to be touched, and her breathing quickened as the whole situation threatened to overwhelm her.
“Are you okay?” Hannah asked, her hand stilling.
“Don’t stop.” Janie grasped Hannah’s shoulder. “Please don’t stop.”
Hannah hooked her fingers into the waistband of Janie’s underwear and pulled them down, disposing of them swiftly so they were both naked, skin to skin, and the intimacy of it made Janie’s throat tight.
Hannah returned to between Janie’s legs, and with no barrier, her fingers slid through Janie’s wetness with a sureness that spoke of years of knowing Janie’s body, of understanding without words what she needed.
“God, Janie,” Hannah whispered. “You’re so—”
Whatever she was going to say was lost when Janie pulled her into a kiss that was more teeth than finesse.
All the desperation and need and love she’d been holding back poured out at once, like hot lava from a once-dormant volcano.
Hannah responded in kind, her fingers finding their rhythm, her mouth swallowing Janie’s gasps and moans.
But then Hannah slowed down, gentled her touch, and pulled back just enough to look at Janie’s face. “Not like this,” she said. “I don’t want to rush this. I want to see you. I want you to see me.”
She shifted her position, settling more fully between Janie’s legs, and this time when she touched her, she held Janie’s gaze.
The eye contact was almost unbearable. The intensity too much.
The connection too raw. Janie fought against the tar trying to weigh down her eyelids to close her eyes, to make her hide from the brutal honesty of this moment, but Hannah shook her head.
“Stay with me,” Hannah murmured. “I want to watch you come apart. I want you to see how much I love you while it’s happening.”
Janie’s breath hitched as Hannah’s fingers found that perfect rhythm, that perfect pressure, the combination that Hannah had learned years ago and clearly hadn’t forgotten.
But this wasn’t just physical; the way Hannah looked at her, the way her free hand cupped Janie’s face so tenderly, the way she murmured “I love you” over and over like a prayer made all of it incredibly spiritual.
Her pleasure built slowly, a wave gathering force ready to smash her against the shore, and her hot tears streamed down her temples as Hannah circled her thumb over Janie’s clit.
Hannah curled inside her just right, keeping her eyes locked on Janie’s with the intensity of knowing her down to her bones.
“Let go,” Hannah whispered. “I’ve got you. Just let go.”