Chapter 26 #2
“I would never be better off without you.” Solo shook her head and chuckled lightly.
“I’m barely functional when you’re not here.
The past few weeks we’ve been apart, I was surviving, not living.
I was going through the motions, taking care of the girls, going to work, but it was like half of me was missing.
You’re not a burden, or a disappointment, or someone I’m settling for.
You’re my person. And you make me want to be better, do better, try harder.
” She caressed Janie’s cheek. “I need you to believe that.”
Janie nodded slowly. “I’m trying.”
“I know. And I’m going to keep telling you.
Some days you’ll hear me, and some days you won’t; I know what Rae said about that.
” Solo leaned in and pressed her forehead against Janie’s.
“But we’re in this together. All of it. The good days and the bad ones, and the days where you can’t get out of bed because the depression is too heavy. I’m here for all of it.”
Janie sighed deeply. “What did I do to deserve you?”
“You didn’t have to do anything. You just had to be you.” Solo kissed her softly. “That’s always been enough for me.”
Janie kissed her back, tentative at first, then deeper, her hands coming up to run over Solo’s buzz cut. The kiss shifted from comforting to something charged with need, and want, and the kind of desperate hunger that came from nearly losing something precious.
“I need you,” Janie whispered against Solo’s lips. “I need to feel something other than scared and exhausted. I need you to show me how much you want me.”
“God, I do.” Solo moved her hands to Janie’s waist and pulled her closer. “Do you have any idea what you do to me? How much I crave you?”
“Show me.” Janie’s eyes were dark now, pupils blown wide. “Please show me.”
Solo stood and tugged Janie up with her. They moved through the quiet house toward their bedroom, and she was hyperaware of every sound. The creak of floorboards, their breathing, the rustle of clothes.
After she’d closed the door to their bedroom, Solo turned to face Janie, and the vision stole her breath. Janie was backlit by the late afternoon sun coming through the curtains, and she looked ethereal. Beautiful and heartbreakingly vulnerable.
“I don’t want to be gentle,” Janie said quietly. “I don’t want careful and tender. I need to feel alive. I need to feel something other than this weight in my chest.”
Solo understood the need to escape her own head through physical sensation; she’d been doing that for years before she met Janie, before she found a love that filled the hole in her heart.
She understood the desire to be consumed by something other than doubt and an endless loop of negative thoughts.
She kissed Janie hard, backing her toward the bed. “Tell me what you need.”
“You. All of you. And hard.”
They undressed each other quickly and with none of the slow reverence from the hotel nearly two weeks ago. This was urgent, almost frantic. Janie’s hands shook as she unbuttoned Solo’s jeans, and Solo nearly ripped Janie’s blouse in her haste to get it off.
When they were both naked, Solo pushed Janie onto the bed and crawled over her, pinning her wrists above her head as she moved.
Janie arched up against her with a gasp, and a surge of power, desire, and overwhelming love coursed through Solo’s body like an electric shock.
“You’re mine,” she rasped. “Mine to love and mine to protect. Say it.”
“I’m yours,” Janie gasped, her breath already ragged. “I’ll always be yours.”
Solo released Janie’s wrists and made her way down Janie’s body with her lips, teeth, and tongue, marking a path from Janie’s throat to her breasts. Janie’s small, desperate sounds went straight to Solo’s core, and she ground her hips restlessly against Janie’s.
“Please,” Janie whispered. “Han, please…”
Solo moved lower and spread Janie’s legs wide. She looked up to meet Janie’s eyes. She was flushed and panting, her pupils so dilated her eyes looked black.
“I love you,” Solo said. “Please don’t forget that, not even for a second.”
Janie closed her eyes briefly and nodded. “Sometimes I just don’t know why.”
“Then let me show you.” Solo put her mouth on Janie, and Janie cried out loud enough that Solo was grateful the house was empty.
She worked Janie’s core, listening to the sounds she made, feeling the way her body responded, and chased her pleasure, desperate for her actions to demonstrate the depth of her love.
Janie came hard and fast, her hands fisted in Solo’s hair as she arched off the bed. But Solo didn’t let up and kept going until Janie begged her to stop, oversensitive and trembling.
“I can’t,” Janie whispered.
“You can.” Solo looked up at her. “One more. Give me one more.” She slid her fingers inside and returned her mouth to Janie’s clit.
It wasn’t long before Janie’s whole body went rigid then shattered apart again.
Her orgasm was quieter and deeper, and Solo felt it in the way Janie’s entire body relaxed, like every bit of tension from the past few weeks ebbed away with the final soft shudders.
Solo crawled back up Janie’s body and gathered her close. She pressed kisses to her damp forehead, her flushed cheeks, and her trembling lips. “Okay?” she murmured.
“More than okay,” Janie said. “That was... God, that was exactly what I needed.”
Solo smiled, overly pleased with herself as she always was after making Janie come. It was one of those feelings that just never got old. “Good.”
They lay there for a while as Solo traced lazy patterns on Janie’s stomach. Janie’s breathing gradually evened out. The afternoon light continued to shift and change, casting long shadows across their bed.
“Your turn,” Janie said eventually, shifting so she was fully facing Solo.
She inclined her head. “We don’t take—”
“I want to.” Janie slipped her hand down, over Solo’s stomach and between her legs. “I want to make you feel as good as you just made me feel.”
Solo’s breath hitched at Janie’s touch. She was less urgent, more exploratory, like she was relearning Solo’s body, mapping out what made her gasp. She let herself get lost in it, in the pleasure, the intimacy, and the simple perfection of being with her wife like this.
She came with Janie’s name on her lips and Janie’s eyes locked on hers, and her orgasm rippled through not just her body but also her soul. This connection, their love, this partnership…it was everything. It was Solo’s whole world.
She flipped Janie onto her front and took her from behind, hard and quick, and Janie moaned into the pillow, muttering expletives and threatening bodily harm if Solo dared to stop.
As if she would. One. Two. Solo stopped counting as Janie came over and over for her, pulling her in, demanding more, soaking up Solo’s stamina as if each orgasm energized Janie instead of draining her.
Afterward, they lay tangled together, sweaty, sated, and utterly spent.
“I don’t want to move,” Janie murmured against Solo’s shoulder. “I want to stay here forever.”
“We can stay like this a little longer.” Solo kissed the top of her head. “We’ve got time.”
“Time,” Janie said, enunciating the word like it was foreign. “When did we last have time? Just the two of us, with no rushing and no obligations?”
“Too long,” Solo murmured, pulling Janie on top of her. “Way too long.”
They drifted in that half-asleep state that came after great sex. Janie’s body cooled against Solo’s skin, her heartbeat slowed, and the comfortable weight of Janie on her body grounded her in the moment.
“I’m scared I’m going to wake up tomorrow and that voice will be back,” Janie said into the darkness of the room. “It’ll tell me I made a mistake, and that I’m selfish for choosing my own happiness over maintaining a relationship with her.”
“And what if it does?” Solo asked gently.
Janie lay her head on Solo’s chest and sighed deeply. “Then what do I do?”
“Then you tell me.” She traced her finger along Janie’s nose and gently tapped it. “And we deal with it together. We talk about it, we call Rae, and we remind you that the voice is lying. You don’t have to fight it alone anymore. That’s what I’m here for.”
Janie was quiet for a long moment, and Solo thought she might have fallen asleep. She continued to tangle her fingers through Janie’s long, silky hair, almost tickling herself, and waited.
“I’m not good at asking for help,” Janie said finally. “Admitting when I’m struggling is…so alien.”
“I know.” Solo wrapped her arms around Janie and squeezed. “But you’re getting better at it. Lately, you’ve been telling me when you’re having bad days. You’ve been honest about the depression and your fears. That’s huge progress.”
Janie huffed quietly. “It still feels like weakness.”
“It’s not weakness. Talking about something this hard takes strength.
” Solo pulled another pillow beneath her head so she could look at Janie’s face properly.
“You know what weakness looks like? It looks like my mom refusing to admit she had breast cancer until it was too late to treat effectively. It looks like me trying to handle triplets, a business, and a failing marriage all by myself instead of asking for help. Weakness is pretending you’re fine when you’re not.
Strength is saying ‘I’m struggling and I need support. ’“
Janie’s eyes filled with tears again. “How do you always know the right thing to say?”
Solo laughed, remembering her desire to have Gabe in her ear not so long ago when Janie was packing to leave.
“I really don’t. I fuck up all the time, but the therapy is helping me so much.
I’m trying, same as you.” She brushed away a tear that had escaped down Janie’s cheek.
“We’re both trying. That’s what matters. ”
“Promise me something,” Janie said.
“Anything.”
“Promise me we’ll never stop talking to each other. Even when it’s hard and we’re scared of each other’s reaction.” Janie trailed her finger along Solo’s collarbone. “Promise me we’ll keep showing up and keep fighting for this.” She tapped Solo’s heart.
“I promise.” Solo kissed her softly. “I promise to always talk to you and be honest about what I’m feeling and what I need.
I’m never going to let work, or the kids, or anything else make you invisible again.
” She clasped Janie’s hand to her chest. “I promise with all my heart to see you, really see you, every single day.”
“I promise too,” Janie said. “I promise to tell you when I’m struggling instead of hiding it. I’ll ask for help instead of trying to be perfect. And I’ll keep trying to trust that you love me even on the days when I really don’t know why you would.”
They sealed the promises with a kiss, slow and deep, full of everything they’d survived and everything they were building.
Outside, the sun was setting, painting their room in shades of gold and amber.
Soon, her dad and Carmen would bring the girls home, and the house would fill with toddler noise, dinner preparations, and bedtime routines.
But for now, it was just the two of them, the core of their family, in this beautiful moment, choosing each other again.
“I don’t regret what I did today,” Janie whispered, her lips caressing Solo’s skin. “Is that terrible?”
“No. You did what was healthy for you. And for us and the triplets.”
“I think...I think I’ve been wishing for a different mother all these years instead of accepting the mother I actually had. Today, I finally stopped wishing for something that was never going to happen.”
Solo nodded. “That took courage, babe.”
“Or maybe just exhaustion.” Janie laughed softly. “I got too tired trying to earn love from someone who’s incapable of giving it freely.”
“Now you can use that energy for the people who do love you like that. For our daughters and me.” She kissed Janie again. “But especially for yourself.”
“For myself.” Janie nodded. “That’s the hardest one.”
“I know, but you’ll get there. We’ll get there together.” Solo’s phone buzzed on the nightstand, but she ignored it. Right now, nothing was more important than holding her wife and reaffirming their promises to build the foundation they needed for whatever came next.
They’d survived a level of hell. The separation. The custody case. The secrets, and shame, and fear of losing everything they’d created together. And they’d come out the other side stronger.
“We should probably get up,” Janie said without making any move to actually do so. “Everyone will be home soon.”
“Five more minutes and then we’re done,” Solo repeated the line from one of the girls’ favorite animated movies and pulled her closer.
Janie chuckled. “Okay. Five more minutes.”
They lay there in the fading light, arms wrapped tightly around each other, and contentment settled in Solo’s chest. She had her perfect little family back together again, and that was all she’d ever needed.