Chapter 15
FIFTEEN
As I climbed out of the lake, I thought about rejoining the party but decided my soaked attire would lead to a lot of questions I had zero desire to answer. So, while my heart pounded in my chest, replaying every moment with Adam, my feet carried me right back to my cabin. I didn’t want to see anyone else, sure that they could read the embarrassment written on all my features. As soon as I pushed the door to my cabin open, I walked over to the bed and sunk into the mattress. Falling back against the plush comforter, my hands covered my face, and I let out a frustrated scream. How the hell could I have been so stupid?
Be brave. Those damn words were why. They mocked me, even now. Bravery didn’t suit me, like wearing a pair of shoes that were two sizes too small. I tried and failed. Clearly, this was a sign from the universe that I wasn’t meant to break out of my routine. I was better off on my own, living the quiet life I loved.
At least, I thought I loved it.
While I couldn’t deny I was dying to get back to Emilia, there was another part of my heart that hated to leave Saint Stephen’s Lake. While I’d only been here a week, I’d come alive in this small town, making connections and experiencing things I’d never thought possible.
Like kissing Adam Rice.
“Why would you do that?” I asked myself as I sat up to stare into the mirror. “ Be brave ,” I repeated in a mocking tone. “Bravery is so freaking overrated. Be timid and proceed with caution. That should be my new mantra.”
But even as I said the words, they felt flat, like trying to force my heart back into a small cage. I couldn’t deny the thrill that had overtaken me when Adam kissed me back, his fingers digging into my skin. His touch burned, leaving behind embers of our tangling desires. How was it that I felt more in his one kiss than I had for years with Cam?
The thought felt traitorous, like a betrayal of what I shared with my high school sweetheart. Even though ending it was for the best, I still held some loyalty to the man. He was the one who gave me Emilia, the one who stayed with me even after I turned down his proposal. Heck, he was still helping me, encouraging me to make amends with Cole and insisting he had everything covered at home.
But that wasn’t the same as loving him.
Not that I was in love with Adam. That would be insane. However, his touch felt right, like the kind of passion people wait lifetimes to experience. And maybe it was wrong to shut him down and not let him explain, but standing there in my underwear, aching to touch him when he put a stop to the kiss, felt like the worst kind of torture, as if I’d offered him a piece of my heart and he’d felt nothing but pity for me.
Knowing the tell-tale signs of a spiral, I grabbed my phone, calling my best friend before I could shadow every moment in a darker lens. She answered on the second ring, her sleepy voice calling out, “Tor, you okay? Aren’t you supposed to be at the wedding?”
“I was, but I needed to get some air,” I answered with a wobbly voice. “I did something monumentally stupid, and I just…I need you to talk some sense into me.”
Shuffling sounds echoed on the other side of the line, sure Hadley was sitting up in bed so we could talk. I wished she was here with me, laying at my side like we did a million times that first year of college. She was the one who knew all my fears about Cam, the one who held my hand when I took a pregnancy test, who didn’t let go during the longest three minutes of my life. She let me cry on her shoulder when those two lines appeared and told me she’d support whatever choice I made.
“Tell me everything.”
And I did. I explained all about reconnecting with Adam and how he was the one who had kept me steady in my moments of doubt, that what started as my brother’s friend looking out for me had transitioned into a tentative friendship of our own, at least until I crossed that line. But despite telling her everything else, I couldn’t bring myself to reveal any of Adam’s secrets. I was still processing that he’d been dealing with a stalker for months and that no one else really knew what was going on. While I understood his reasons, it was hard not to fear for his safety. But it wasn’t my place to tell. Every word would be kept between us unless Adam’s safety was at risk. Even though I was upset with him right now, that was the one thing I’d never let happen. Not when he meant so much to me— I mean, Cole .
“And then he told me to be brave, so I just…I went for it, Hads. ”
She let out a little gasp. “Please tell me you fucked his brains out.”
“No!” I shook my head. “We just kissed, and…” I sighed at the memory. “It was amazing. Like nothing I’ve ever felt before. I could have drowned, and I would have been okay with it as long as he kept kissing me.”
Hadley giggled. “Girl, you have it so bad for him! I can’t believe I get to say I know someone who hooked up with Adam Rice. My best friend, ladies and gentlemen, a hero for all womankind.”
“Save your accolades for after I finish,” I groaned. “I would have kept going, but Adam stopped it. Just when I was really starting to throw all my caution to the wind, he just…stopped.”
“Did he say why?”
I chewed on the corner of my lip. “I didn’t exactly give him the chance.”
“Victoria!”
“I know, I know,” I squealed, hiding behind my hands. “But you weren’t there, Hads. I felt so vulnerable, standing there in front of him, practically naked. So when he started to shut things down, I freaked out and needed to get as much space between us as possible. If I didn’t…” I looked up at the ceiling. “I don’t know what I would have done.”
She sighed, putting on her therapist hat. “I get that, babe. I really do, especially because he’s not a passing moment. Adam’s a permanent fixture in Cole’s life, so that means he’ll be in yours too, especially if you’ve decided to forgive Cole.” She paused, mulling over her next words. “But I also think you spoke too soon.”
“What do you mean?”
“I love you, Tor, but you tend to cut people off before they can hurt you. I know why, and I’m not saying it isn’ t justified, but I’ve also seen you shrink yourself over the past few years. You’re so focused on Emilia and making sure she has everything she needs. And while that makes you a great mom, can you honestly say it’s enough?”
“I…I don’t know.”
Hadley sighed. “If you never open up to anyone, sure, you’ll never risk rejection, but you’ll also never find someone to share your life with. And that breaks my heart for you, Tori. If anyone in this world deserves that great kind of love, it’s you. Your heart’s too big to be kept locked away forever.”
Her words hit their mark. My eyes started to water as I weighed each one. For the first time in a long time, I wondered if the way I’d been functioning wasn’t enough. “Maybe,” I laughed through the tears.
“I’ll take a maybe,” Hadley laughed. “And I’m not saying it has to be today. It doesn’t have to be Adam. But maybe get a little space between the two of you and see how you want to move forward. You don’t have to have all the answers tonight.”
I chuckled, wiping my tears away with my thumb. “I guess you’re right. God, I hate that you’re right.”
“That’s what best friends are for, babe. Reminding you that you deserve everything, even if you refuse to believe it yourself.”
The smashing of glass bottles filled my ears, but I didn’t move, keeping my body flush against the door. It was probably the worst idea; who knew what was living on the surfaces of this seedy motel room? The whole place smelled like weed and rot, and most of it was coming from the man glaring at me, trying to force his way outside. My eyes threatened to close, wishing I was anywhere else, that I didn’t have to watch this scene unfold in front of me. If you told me years ago that this screaming, incoherent man was my brother, I’d punch you.
But the new reality was a bitter pill to swallow. Cole, who had left to join the armed forces, never returned. The brother who told me jokes and held my hand during thunderstorms was long gone. The man w h o returned was an angry, bitter shell who only showed anger as an emotion. And right now, all that anger was directed at his best friend, the same one who had answered my call on the first ring, coming to my aid without a second thought.
“Fuck you,” Cole hissed, stumbling on unsteady legs. “Get the fuck out of here.”
“Not going to happen,” Adam hissed, shoving Cole back. With his drunken steps, he stumbled onto the bed, still hissing harsh words when his back hit the mattress. I cried out in sympathy pain, knowing that his skin was still a mottled mess from an accident overseas. What exactly happened, Cole never divulged, keeping that secret locked away in a vault inside his mind.
As Cole’s head fell back, he let out a sardonic chuckle. “Fucking Saint Rice, coming to save the day. This act is getting really fucking old.” He lifted his head, a shit-eating grin filling his face. But as he turned to me, it instantly fell. “Let me guess— that little bitch ratted me out?”
“Don’t talk about her like that.” Adam’s voice was stern, harsher than I’d ever heard it. “She’s the reason you’re not in prison right now.”
“Bullshit,” Cole said. “I had it handled.”
“Not even a little,” I muttered, unable to hold the words back. It was true. If I’d arrived at the bar minutes later, the cops would have taken Cole away. And while that might have been better than this, some sick part of me refused to let it happen. He was my brother, my responsibility, and no matter how much damage he caused, I was there to help pick up the pieces. But it didn’t mean I had to like it.
“She speaks!” Cole chuckled, sitting up to glare at me. “When you gonna get it through your head, kid? I don’t need you. I don’t fucking want you around. You’re nothing more than a nuisance.”
Adam shoved his shoulder. “Cole, stop.”
“No,” he said as he leaped to his feet, moving quickly to stand in front of me, his whiskey-laced breath turning my stomach. “Do you think I asked to take care of you? To have to spend my days with some brat following me around, begging for attention?” His face contorted into a sneer. “I never fucking asked for you, baby sister, and I sure as shit don’t want you around now. You’re pathetic, weak, begging for any scrap of attention. You disgust me.”
Adam’s arm came around his waist, pulling him away from me, but he couldn’t stop Cole’s words from piercing through my skin. “Get the fuck out of my life.”
My body woke with a jolt, unable to escape that horrible look in Cole’s eyes, the one that spoke of years of unearthed anger and resentment, all because I wanted to be close to him. That was the night I started to close the door on our relationship, refusing to answer his cries for help, cutting off the money for his bar tabs and benders. I’d even let the cops take him away a couple of times, forcing him to sleep it off in a cell. He said he wanted me gone, so I faded away. I was done fighting for a brother who didn’t want anything to do with me. Even now, I felt like I was waiting for the moment he’d push me away, spewing those hateful words again .
A familiar ring echoed in my cabin, and I instantly reached out to grab my phone. My heart rate spiked when I saw the time and Cam’s name on the screen. My hands trembled when I answered the call, terrified of what he was going to say.
“Before you even ask, Emilia is okay.”
“Thank goodness,” I cried out. “Are you okay? Why are you calling so late?”
“Yeah, we’re all fine. But I thought you’d want to know that we’re at the ER. Emilia was throwing up and spiked a high fever, so we’re here now. They’re going to give her some fluids and let her rest, then send us home.” He paused, and I could hear a shaky rattle in his voice. “The doctors said she’s going to be fine, and I knew you’d want to know.”
Even with his attempt at a calming tone, guilt ripped through me. My baby was sick, likely looking for me, and here I was, pretending my life was the same as any other 23-year-old with no worries in the world.
Especially last night with Adam.
I refused to even consider that option. It had been hard enough to fall asleep last night. It was so tempting to go next door to his cabin, demanding another taste of his lips. Shame and my tattered pride were all that kept me in my bed, unwilling to face rejection twice in one day.
But now, all my focus was on my little girl, the person who held my heart outside my chest. The image of her in a hospital bed was all I could think about, hating that I was so far away when she needed me.
I climbed out of bed and grabbed my suitcase, putting the phone on speaker as I threw my clothes inside. “Okay, Cam, I’m coming home. I’ll be there as soon as I can.”
“Vic, you don’t have to. We have everything covered, I promise. ”
“Don’t,” I snapped, taking out my frustrations on him. I stood up straighter, running my fingers across my exhausted eyes. “I’m sorry. I know you’re doing everything you can, but I want to be there. I need to see her.”
Cam let out a long sigh. “Text me when you have your flight times, and I’ll come to pick you up from the airport.”
“Thanks, Cam. Tell Em I love her and I’ll be there to hug her soon.”
“Will do.”