45. Chapter Forty-Five
Bryson’s body is curled against mine, his head on my chest, leg and arm thrown over my body. My room is dark. We’re both freshly showered. Naked. I’m pretty sure he’s sleeping. If not fully, he’s just about there. His breathing is slow and even, his body relaxed.
Having him here in my bed is satisfying in a way sex isn’t. It’s more. Something I don’t do with anyone.
There have been plenty of people I’ve slept with over the years, but never someone I could do this with. Not someone I felt comfortable enough sleeping in my bed. And I enjoy cuddling. I like holding the person I’m with, making them feel safe and loved. I love taking care of them. But Bryson is different, so I shouldn’t be surprised we’re here. Everything with him has been different. Better. Easier.
And the fucked up thing is he’s the one person I can’t have it with.
Or shouldn’t. Because I want to do this. Really do this. I can’t believe I’m admitting this, but I want to be with him. There hasn’t been a single person I’ve imagined myself with since my divorce. Not a single person I’ve met in all those years that I wanted more with. But I want that with Bryson.
I don’t like when he’s upset. Don’t like when he thinks he’s worth nothing. I hate when he looks at me like I betrayed him when I didn’t. If only he’d ask, I’d have explained my relationship with Connie. I won’t lie to him, which is why I told him the truth about sleeping with her.
Maybe that was wrong. Maybe I should have kept that from him, but I am not a liar. I don’t want to hurt him, but I want to be truthful.
Bryson gives me something no one else ever has, and of course the universe is so cruel that it would be him. Something forbidden.
If we do this, really do this, it’s going to be a disaster. I’m not sure I’m ready for that. I don’t know if I ever will be. And it’s because of one person. Fuck this town and everyone in it. But if Chris finds out…
My son is already mad at me over something he won’t tell me.
After I put some pieces together from talking to Bryson, I texted Chris, begging him to talk to me. Asking him what I did wrong so I could fix it. The texts went unanswered. Bryson says he doesn’t want to break Chris’s trust by telling me the problem, but maybe if I explain that I’ve already put things together, and by telling me, he could help us both, he will. But I don’t want to do that because what if Chris gets pissed? Bryson will blame me, and he should. Because I’d have pushed him. I don’t want that either. I appreciate and respect him not wanting to get in the middle. I’m desperate, though. I need to fix this with my son.
Yet how will I do that if I’m fucking his best friend?
This is such a mess.
”You okay?” Bryson’s voice is soft and sleepy. “You’re tense.”
I chuckle, pressing a kiss to his forehead. “Fine.”
“I think we all know fine means not fine.”
“That’s women.”
He huffs out a laugh and rolls onto his back. “It’s universal.”
I turn onto my side, lifting up on my elbow and resting my head on my hand. Bryson is defensive, and if I don’t handle this the right way, he’s going to get upset. I don’t want to upset him, but I need to better understand him. Actually, I think I understand him just fine. He’s the one who needs to understand himself.
“Tell me why you ran away today,” I say softly.
“I didn’t run away.”
“This is never going to work if you can’t be honest with me.”
He scoffs, pushing himself up to sit. He runs a hand through his hair, and I try not to stare at his body. Now’s not the time.
“What even is this, Cole? It’s not like we can be together for real. Why does it matter?”
I sit up too, watching him carefully. “It matters to me.”
“But why?” He shakes his head, staring ahead into the dark room.
“Because I care about you.”
“It doesn’t matter. We can’t do this.”
“We shouldn’t do this, Bryson, but it seems we are. Because no matter how many times we avoid each other, it keeps coming back to this.”
“Chris… He won’t be okay with this.”
I nod. “I know.”
“I can’t be the reason he hates you.”
I take his hand, interlocking my fingers. He stares down at it in disbelief.
“And I don’t want to be the reason he hates you,” I add.
“So what do we do?” He turns to look at me, his eyes full of fear. I kiss his knuckles.
“We take one day at a time. We be honest with one another. We figure out a plan.”
“What’s the point if—” He stops, turning away from me again.
“If what?”
“We can’t risk our relationships with Chris over fucking.”
I grip his chin and make him look at me. “I want more than that.”
Shit, I said it out loud. There’s no taking it back now.
His eyes widen. “You do?”
I lean forward to kiss him gently. “I do. I shouldn’t, but I do.”
“So—”
“So that’s what we are. We’re more than that. We’re us. You and me. Together.” I roll on top of him, pressing him into the bed. “You’re mine, Bryson Montgomery.” I lean down to kiss him. His body feels perfect beneath mine. “And I’m yours.”
“Really?” he beams. The grin on his face is so big.
I brush my nose along his. “Really.”
Happiness rolls off him. For all of two seconds before he closes his eyes, wincing. I’m about to ask him what the hell just happened, but he speaks, so I don’t have to.
“I ran away because I was upset.”
“Over what?”
“Over that woman being in your office, Cole.” He scoffs.
“But why?”
“Because you fucked her!” He wiggles his body, trying to get out from under me.
“Hey,” I say, rolling over and pulling him on top of me. He straddles my lap, and I keep my hands on his waist. “You don’t have to yell at me. I know this isn’t easy for you, but don’t yell at me. I’m not judging you. I want to figure this out. Want to make sure your worries are eased.”
He frowns, shaking his head. “This is so hard to believe.”
I huff out a laugh. “You’re telling me.”
He smirks and runs his hands up my chest and around my neck. He presses his forehead to mine, taking a moment to breathe.
“There’s a lot of reasons,” he says.
“Tell me them. I want to set your thoughts straight.”
“We’d be here all night.” He chuckles. I run my fingers up and down his back and he sighs, relaxing into me.
“For starters, I don’t know your relationship with men. I don’t know if you prefer women. She’s older than me, probably more mature and established. She can sit on your desk and flirt with you out in the open. You can be with her and no one would bat an eye. Your son wouldn’t hate you for it.”
I hum an acknowledgment, leaning forward to kiss his neck.
“I have no preference on gender. As for everything else, I understand why you feel that way. I won’t argue with you and say they aren’t true because they are. But them being true doesn’t mean I want you any less. It just means we will have to work harder.”
He settles into me, resting his head on my shoulder. “How do you always make me feel better?”
I wrap my arms around him, holding him tight. “The same way you make me feel better. We just do.”
And that is the most truthful thing I’ve ever said.