55. Chapter Fifty-Five
Mila hands me a bottle of water, taking a seat beside me on the swing.
“You ready to talk about it?”
It’s a beautiful day today. Summer is close and the days are getting warmer, brighter, and longer.
I asked to stay at Mila and Mark’s for a night. It’s been a week. I haven’t heard from Chris or Cole. The twins haven’t said I need to leave. Neither have asked how long I’ll be staying.
My heart feels like it’s turned to lead. Every day is a struggle. Everything is foggy all the time. I’m here but not. I’m a zombie on good days, and barely remember the bad ones.
“No.” I open the water and take a sip. “But I probably should.”
I haven’t told her a thing about what happened. Every day I’ve been here she’s asked me once if I was ready to talk about it. When I say no, she lets it go. I knew I would eventually open up to her. I have to. It’s hell dealing with this alone. Not that Mila is going to have a magical cure, but maybe she’ll have something to say that can make this easier. Even if it’s just a fraction. The pain is indescribable. Intolerable. It’s suffocating.
“If you’re not ready, you don’t have to.”
“I’m not sure I’ll ever be ready to face what my life has turned into, but hiding from it isn’t helping.”
She nods, resting her cheek on my shoulder as I push off the ground and give us another push.
“Before I came to stay with Chris, I was with my father at his house in Washington.” She nods, so I continue. “He was supposed to pick me up in Astoria the night I came back to bring me to his house, but typical Bart had to make me miserable first and refused to get me, even after he said he would. Instead, he sent me cash for a hotel. I ran into Cole at a bar. I’d had a lot to drink, and we—” I swallow, closing my eyes. The memories take over, my heart aching. The difficulty doesn’t come with admitting what I did wrong; it comes with the fact I’ll never get to be with Cole like that again. “We spent the night together.”
“Oh, Bryson.” She grasps my forearm, holding it comfortingly. There isn’t an ounce of judgment in her voice, which gives me the strength to keep going. Had I sensed disapproval, I wouldn’t be able to continue.
“I knew it was wrong when I did it, but I was having a bad night, and well… it’s Cole.” I huff out a laugh, but none of this is worth laughing over. “Then I had to leave my father’s, and I moved in with them because I had nowhere else to go. And we avoided each other for a little while, but then I couldn’t help myself. Cole couldn’t either. He’s addictive. I’m me when I’m with him. I don’t have to walk on eggshells. I don’t second guess things I say. My mind doesn’t go a mile a minute. I’m just unapologetically me and he accepts it. Not only accepts it, he likes it.”
It’s quiet for a moment before she asks, “Is this why Chris has been so upset?”
“Chris has been mad at Cole for something else. Something I’m not even sure is true because Chris told me one thing. I heard another thing from Tomas. And Cole has a whole other story.”
She lifts her head and I feel her gaze on me, but I can’t face her. I keep my attention forward, staring at their garage. A cool breeze blows, and I close my eyes to feel it across my skin. I’ve spent a lot of time outside since being here. It’s calming being under the sun.
“What does Tomas have to do with it?”
I sigh, opening my eyes. “Something to do with Cole and his father.”
“Oh, boy…”
“Yeah. But Chris did find out about me and Cole. The night I came here. He found us in bed together.”
She cuddles back up to me, hugging my arm and resting her head on me.
“I’m so sorry, Bryson. I know better than anyone that you can’t help who you love.”
She squeezes me tighter.
“I’m sorry it took so long to tell you,” I whisper.
I’m not sure I feel better about the whole thing, but my love and appreciation for Mila has grown astronomically.
“I’m guessing this is what you tried telling me a few times?”
I nod. “I really wanted to. Felt like I needed someone’s opinion, but I don’t think it would have changed anything. This was inevitable. Cole and I never could have worked out, and I’m stupid for allowing my heart into it. I should have known better.”
“There’s nothing wrong with you for hoping, Bryson. We all just want to be happy and free to love the people we want. Do you think it’s salvageable?”
I shake my head, kicking off the ground to swing us more. “No way. Not with the way Chris freaked out. Cole hasn’t reached out to me, and I can’t blame him. How can I ask him to choose me over his son?”
“He shouldn’t have to choose.”
“Exactly.”
“And you’re not the one making him choose. Chris is.”
“Doesn’t matter.”
I understand what she’s getting at, but it doesn’t matter. The point is someone is making him choose, and we knew that would be the case from the beginning. I can only blame myself for not being strong enough to say no to him from the beginning. From that first night in Astoria.
“So, what are you going to do?”
I blow out a breath, and answer, “Just… move on, I guess. I’ve been putting in applications and emailing about apartments all week. No one has gotten back to me yet, but someone has to eventually.”
“You can stay here as long as you need. We have plenty of room and it’s no trouble.”
“I appreciate that more than you know, but I really need to get a handle on my own life for once. Everyone has always done things for me, and I need to grow up one of these days.”
“You have grown up. A lot. Don’t think you haven’t just because your heart broke. That doesn’t make you immature or na?ve. It just makes you a romantic.” She looks up at me, smiling.
I huff out a laugh and put my arm around her.
“We deserve so much better,” I say, resting my head on top of hers.
She sighs, snuggling closer. “Yeah. We really do.”