9. Amelia
SIX YEARS LATER
Ishift relentlessly as nightmares plague me. My daughter is being dragged down into the dark soil of the earth and no matter how hard I try to reach her I can't seem to help her. I scream and grab for her hands, but they are so tiny, and they slip away from me, and she sinks deeper.
With a jolt I wake up from the nightmare and grip the arms of the hospital chair I'd fallen asleep in. Elena, my beautiful little girl, is sleeping peacefully in the hospital bed next to me.
I sigh quietly. I keep having the same dream. Nightmare. Haunting, terrifying reality.
I shift closer to the bed and gently stroke my hand over her cheek, brushing a soft strand of long dark hair away from her closed eyes.
She has her father's eyes, not mine.
Bright, piercing brown.
I love to look at them. But at the same time, it breaks my heart to remember him.
"Amelia?" the doctor's whispered voice draws my attention.
"Jake. Have you got the results?" I ask eager and terrified at the same time, walking towards him so that we don't wake Elena up.
"No one in your family is a match for the liver transplant Elena needs. They're all negative. I've had her added to the donor waiting list, but it's long and I have to warn you that Elena doesn't have long." He pauses and takes a deep breath. "I'm really sorry, Amelia. Is there any way you can reach out to her father's side of the family? One of them might be a donor match. Do you know who he is?"
"I know." I nod, closing my eyes wishing that this was another nightmare I could wake up from.
I bite my lip. I knew that if no one in my family was a match this would be something I would need to face. Reaching out and making any contact with Stefano's family.
"Do you want the hospital to call him on your behalf?''
"No," I say quickly. "No, I'll start making contact with people in his family."
"I'm really sorry, Amelia. I know we were hoping for better news. But it isn't over yet. We are not giving up ok."
"I know." I walk back towards my daughter's bedside and take her little hand in mine. The tubes in her nose and the drip in her arm cause an ache in my heart that I can't just push away. This is not the life I wanted for her.
The doctor quietly leaves me in my thoughts, because he has nothing more to add, nothing that can save my daughter's life at this moment.
I don't want to start contacting his family.
We have managed to stay hidden from Stefano for six years and the risk of opening that doorway and having the conversation I need to have with his relatives is massive.
But it's one I will take. I will do anything to save her life. Anything.
She is my entire world.
I have already spent many hours thinking about how I would do this if the time came.
I will start contacting his distant relatives first. Perhaps cousins or family he isn't even in contact with.
I'll work my way in from there. The only problem is that Elena really doesn't have a lot of time. She is getting weaker by the day and the risk is getting worse for her. She needs the transplant now.
But, at least for now, Stefano doesn't have to be aware of anything that is going on.
I glance at the clock on the wall and pull my mouth tight. I have to get home, shower, change, and get ready for work.
It's five in the morning and I've been here all night.
My mother will be on her way here now to sit with Elena during the day while I'm working.
At least I will be in the same building. I never did get my business degree. I studied nursing and took a job here. I work in the OR, assisting doctors in surgery. It's not something I ever dreamed I would end up doing, but I do love my job.
I lean over the bed and gently kiss Elena's pale, soft cheek.
"I'll come and visit at lunchtime, baby girl," I whisper.
I hurry out because I can't be late for work. I've been late too many times and I know people understand that I am struggling, but I also have a job to do. I have to keep it.
Driving home I am in a daze. In fact, I think I have been in a daze ever since I found out that my little girl was sick. It seemed so unfair. Like a curse that life had given her for no reason. She didn't deserve this.
She didn't deserve to grow up without a warm, loving father figure and she definitely didn't deserve to be sick like this.
I cover my mouth to hide a yawn as I unlock the door to my apartment. Every day I feel more tired than the last. The exhaustion seems to have settled into my bones and taken over my entire body. I practically live at the hospital because if I'm not working, I'm with my daughter, sitting by her side, reading her stories or telling her about my day.
My apartment is dark and empty. It doesn't feel like home. It's cold and uninviting.
I walk straight through to the bathroom and flick on the shower.
The hot water streams over my tired body but it doesn't relax me. I think the tension is knotted so deep in my muscles that it would take a miracle to ease it away.
I get dressed and grab my work bag. On the way past the kitchen, I open the fridge and stare at the empty shelves.
"An apple it is then," I mutter to myself, pulling an apple from the bottom drawer and hoping it isn't bruised and aged. But even if it is - at least it's something.
I'll grab a coffee in the cafe downstairs at the hospital.
My phone rings so I pull it out of my back pocket.
"Hi, Mom. Are you with her?"
"Yes honey, I'm here. Did the doctor tell you anything? Did the results come back?" She asks with the same nervous excitement I had before he let me know.
"No one is a match, Mom. She's gone onto the donor list. The doctor suggested I start contacting her father's side of the family."
The heavy sigh that comes drifting through the phone is a replica of how I feel about it.
"Are you going to call him?"
"I thought I'd rather start with his cousins. Maybe get lucky without having to involve him in anything."
"You do whatever you have to do, sweetheart. You will find a way. I know you will."
I smile with a heavy heart. My parents have been so supportive through all of this. They have been here for me every step of the way and I don't know how I would have survived without them.
"I have to get to work but I'll stop in when I have a break."
"I'll grab some lunch for you. You're getting so skinny it's not healthy. I'll have something ready for you here with me so that when you visit you can eat something decent."
"Thanks, Mom. Love you."
For the drive back to the hospital I am fighting that bone aching exhaustion. I need to go into surgery now and be alert and focused.
Luckily when I step through the operating room doors something in me snaps and I shut down all my emotions which allows me to be a fucking damn good OR nurse.
I park in my usual spot and carry my bags into the hospital. In the foyer, I smile at the lady standing behind the counter at the cafe.
"The usual?" She says cheerfully.
"Yes, please, but a double."
"Alright. I'll add an extra bit of salted caramel for you too."
I smile and lean on the counter waiting for my order.
She's always quick and in no time at all she hands me a hot takeaway cup.
"One salted caramel cappuccino with a double shot of expresso."
I step forward and pick up my coffee. "Thanks, Willow."
"Wait, you didn't tell me how Elena is today? Did those results come back?"
"They did. No one was a match, so we are just going to have to keep looking."
Willow smiles tightly. "I'm sorry to hear that, but I know you'll find the right person soon."
I nod, sipping my coffee.
"I'll see you later." I wave as I walk away.
In the locker room, a few other nurses are prepping for surgery.
I have operating room six in an hour, and I need to go prep my patient.
I hurry to put my scrubs on and finish my coffee, knowing that it's silly to drink coffee right before going into surgery because you can't leave halfway through to pee.
But I need this. So, whatever.
All I seem to be thinking about now is how to go about contacting Stefano's family - and who to call first. I will start making those calls this afternoon after work. There is no point in overthinking things and delaying the inevitable. Elena needs the transplant now so I will find a way to get it for her.
I down the last of my coffee and toss the empty cup into the recycling bin in the passage as I walk briskly toward the patients' wards where my team will be preparing.
On the way there a doctor falls in line with my steps, matching my speed.
"Good morning, beautiful." He grins and wraps his arm around my shoulder pulling me into a side hug. He chuckles. A warm, friendly laugh that has many of the other nurses swooning.
"Good morning, Doctor Slate," I say politely.
"I don't know how many times I have to tell you, but you can call me Trevor." He laughs again. "I heard the news about Elle. I'm so sorry."
I nod, it gets exhausting with so many people making the same comments over and over again, and offering the same sincere apologies, every single day.
I don't reply because I just don't have anything to say.
"Listen, after the last surgery this afternoon, let me take you out for dinner? An early, relaxed dinner. Or I can cook something for you - whichever you prefer." He asks, not for the first time. He has been a huge flirt since the day I started working here. In the beginning, I just thought he flirted with everyone that way, but soon it became obvious that it was just me he was so friendly with. He's such an incredible man and gorgeous too, but I just - I can't.
I can't even imagine being with someone else after Stefano.
My heart still aches at the thought of him. It aches constantly and I can't tell if it's because I miss him or because I am terrified of him.
But regardless of what causes the pain, no other man has managed to draw my attention in any way. Even the good-looking doctor who never stops trying.
"Not tonight, Trevor. I'll be sitting with Elle."
"You are allowed to take a break you know. You'll be no good to Elle if you burn yourself out."
"I won't get burnt out. It's just that there isn't anywhere that I'd rather be than with her."
He nods, a sad but gentle smile on his face. "I understand. Next time maybe."
I just smile. He knows I will say no next time too. Because I've said no every time.
"I'll see you in surgery then. I just need to stop in at my office and grab some things." He steps away from me, and I carry on towards surgery.
The constant flirting can be draining too sometimes, but at least he is nice about it. Some of the other doctors here are real arrogant dickheads. I've heard complaints from the other nurses and I am relieved I don't have to be on the receiving end of those doctors.
At lunch, I visit Elle and my mom. Elle is sleeping again; she seems to always be sleeping lately. I guess she needs as much rest as she can get.
"How has she been today?" I ask my mom.
"We read her favorite pirate story, and she ate a little food. She seems happy today."
"Happy?"
"You know, not in as much pain." My mom shrugs slightly, then stands up to give me a hug.
"Sit down, honey. I got you a toasted chicken ciabatta."
"I don't know if I'm hungry."
"I don't care if you're hungry. You need to eat or you'll fall over."
I stare into my mother's eyes and realize that I am her daughter as much as Elle is my daughter and she is a grandmother watching her daughter and her grandchild suffer.
I take the toasted ciabatta from her hands and say, "Thank you, it looks really amazing actually."
Then I sit down to eat some lunch while my mom chats about Elle and their day.
"Oh, and that good-looking doctor stopped by again. Trevor."
I sigh and roll my eyes.
"Why don't you give him a chance?" my mom smiles.
"Not now. Not - with everything."
Her tight smile is sad, and she looks tired as well.
After lunch I head back to the OR for one last surgery that is scheduled for today, then after that, I am going to start making some very important phone calls. Phone calls that could save Elle's life but could also bring incredible drama into our lives.